The New Intimacy

EdenKink - Types of BDSM Relationships - Wednesday, November 16th, 2011 @ 8pm ET

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Contributor: Kitka Kitka
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
im sorry.. it may have been due to seeing the cat pic i posted up there. mice and kitties do not get along.
That's quite possible!
11/16/2011
Contributor: aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Tessa Taboo
This is probably way naive, but I have to ask. When you say EVERYTHING, do you mean that he like, chooses what you eat, what you wear, where you can go, etc?
im wondering the same! tx for asking.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Noira Noira
Quote:
Originally posted by AndroAngel
And to answer something posted earlier, Switches do get some grief in the BDSM community, as a pansexual switch, I get the same grief as a switch that I get for not choosing a gender to like.
If anyone gives you grief, they aren't worth your time! I choose to look at it as an idiot filter... if someone gives me grief for my orientation, my kink, my looks, whatever... it just demonstrated to me that they had personality factors I would have eventually discovered to be unpleasant and it's saving me the time of learning the hard way.

Do lesbians chose to like women? Do gays chose to like men? NO. Anyone queer would argue it's not a choice. You didn't chose to like any gender either! That's how you were made to be.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Kitka Kitka
For those of you who wanted to add me on fetlife, is there are any, please send a message with your add request so I know who it is, thanks
11/16/2011
Contributor: Rayne Millaray Rayne Millaray
Quote:
Originally posted by Tessa Taboo
This is probably way naive, but I have to ask. When you say EVERYTHING, do you mean that he like, chooses what you eat, what you wear, where you can go, etc?
In some cases, yes. Most, actually.

I need new clothes for the winter, and he's in the process of "helping" pick out my new wardrobe. We don't buy any perishables he doesn't like, whether I like them or not, unless we can find them in small quantities because they won't get eaten before going bad. He chooses my makeup. He's been known to tell me to stop being friends with people he thinks are a bad influence. All things I've given him the right to do.
11/16/2011
Contributor: aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Noira
If anyone gives you grief, they aren't worth your time! I choose to look at it as an idiot filter... if someone gives me grief for my orientation, my kink, my looks, whatever... it just demonstrated to me that they had personality factors I would ... more
so what about the days when you dont want to do what your master says? do those days ever come? what if you feel defiant or your master pisses you off?


also, those who are submissive.. is there by chance any correlation to how you were raised? such as in a very protective family, the opposite... or... ? none at all?
11/16/2011
Contributor: Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by Rayne Millaray
In some cases, yes. Most, actually.

I need new clothes for the winter, and he's in the process of "helping" pick out my new wardrobe. We don't buy any perishables he doesn't like, whether I like them or not, unless we ... more
Same
11/16/2011
Contributor: Kitka Kitka
Quote:
Originally posted by Kitka
For those of you who wanted to add me on fetlife, is there are any, please send a message with your add request so I know who it is, thanks
*if there are any.. good grief, mouse dies and all of a sudden I can't spell lol.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by Tessa Taboo
This is probably way naive, but I have to ask. When you say EVERYTHING, do you mean that he like, chooses what you eat, what you wear, where you can go, etc?
It can probably vary a little bit...

I've got submissive leanings (but haven't really had a fully executed d/s relationship thus far) but pretty much ever since my very first boyfriend, I've been able to convince whoever I'm dating to pick out my clothes for me.

What I should cook for dinner, usually, too... but picking out clothes especially is one element of control that I'm almost desperate to give up to my lover.
11/16/2011
Contributor: AndroAngel AndroAngel
Quote:
Originally posted by Noira
If anyone gives you grief, they aren't worth your time! I choose to look at it as an idiot filter... if someone gives me grief for my orientation, my kink, my looks, whatever... it just demonstrated to me that they had personality factors I would ... more
Exactly! Thank you!
11/16/2011
Contributor: Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
so what about the days when you dont want to do what your master says? do those days ever come? what if you feel defiant or your master pisses you off?


also, those who are submissive.. is there by chance any correlation to how you were ... more
For me there is no correlation.

Those days do come.. and that's when the punishments come in.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Tessa Taboo Tessa Taboo
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
so what about the days when you dont want to do what your master says? do those days ever come? what if you feel defiant or your master pisses you off?


also, those who are submissive.. is there by chance any correlation to how you were ... more
I was wondering about the same thing, as far as the submissive thing went. Well... about both things really....lol
11/16/2011
Contributor: aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Rayne Millaray
In some cases, yes. Most, actually.

I need new clothes for the winter, and he's in the process of "helping" pick out my new wardrobe. We don't buy any perishables he doesn't like, whether I like them or not, unless we ... more
do you find that in other relationships you are submissive as well? or are you defiant to rules in society generally?


see, me i generally HATE people telling me what to do. nothing pisses me off worse than that. i despise authority and breaking the rules is kind of in my nature. is it common for folks like me to be subs or doms or does it just depend?

what i'm asking is, does your submissive nature bleed into your life outside of your relationship with him? do you let other ppl tell you what to do too? or do you stand up for yourself in other situations? i'm guessing the answer before you give it, is yes. it's just the type of agreement you have with your master that is special. period. but i could be wrong. just want to be sure.
11/16/2011
Contributor: aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Serenesub
For me there is no correlation.

Those days do come.. and that's when the punishments come in.
are they punishments you enjoy?
11/16/2011
Contributor: Kitka Kitka
Quote:
Originally posted by Tessa Taboo
I was wondering about the same thing, as far as the submissive thing went. Well... about both things really....lol
I was raised in a traditional native american household where the women cooked, cleaned, took care of the children and the men. In turn the men were the "hunters" going out and working to get food. Personally I think it had a lot to do with how I am today.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
do you find that in other relationships you are submissive as well? or are you defiant to rules in society generally?


see, me i generally HATE people telling me what to do. nothing pisses me off worse than that. i despise authority and ... more
I wanna know this too!

I know it doesn't work that way for me. I'm very blunt and aggressive and don't take any dominance from anybody other than my owner. I surely can't be alone
11/16/2011
Contributor: Rayne Millaray Rayne Millaray
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
so what about the days when you dont want to do what your master says? do those days ever come? what if you feel defiant or your master pisses you off?


also, those who are submissive.. is there by chance any correlation to how you were ... more
Oh I've never claimed to be perfect. Not in the least. I'm often punished. Problem is there are very few punishments I enjoy. So generally speaking, for me, a reward system works better.
11/16/2011
Contributor: AndroAngel AndroAngel
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
are they punishments you enjoy?
But aren't punishments you enjoy actually rewards?

I do have a question for those in Master/slave relationships and other 24/7 dynamics, though. What is your motivation? Why did you choose to give up control?
11/16/2011
Contributor: Noira Noira
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
so what about the days when you dont want to do what your master says? do those days ever come? what if you feel defiant or your master pisses you off?


also, those who are submissive.. is there by chance any correlation to how you were ... more
I'm not submissive, but I initially started out as thinking I was supposed to be submissive and it definitely correlates to how I was raised.

But when I was young I used to read the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew for the illustrations of the characters tied up... so I don't think it's all how you were raised, some of it's just there.

Psychologically, a lot of people are the opposite of how they are in real life. It's a break from their expectations. People who work and have a lot of control in their jobs, for example, are often known to enjoy submitting. If you knew me IRL, I seem quiet, submissive, and service-oriented, but heh, kinky me isn't. While this isn't always the case, I do think it is frequently the case.
11/16/2011
Contributor: aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Kitka
I was raised in a traditional native american household where the women cooked, cleaned, took care of the children and the men. In turn the men were the "hunters" going out and working to get food. Personally I think it had a lot to do with ... more
that sounds neat.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Tessa Taboo Tessa Taboo
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
do you find that in other relationships you are submissive as well? or are you defiant to rules in society generally?


see, me i generally HATE people telling me what to do. nothing pisses me off worse than that. i despise authority and ... more
Me too. I'm a control FREAK. I make decisions, and I micromanage, horribly. It drives Arick up the damn wall. BUt I think, to be submissive on a constant basis, I would start to feel like a drone. And it would be hard to keep my sense of self.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Rayne Millaray Rayne Millaray
That should have read 'very few punishments I don't enjoy'. I'm a weirdo.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
are they punishments you enjoy?
If they're just playful punishments.. like I'm being sarcastic and smart assy with him or I smack his ass and run. Playful things that don't really bother him but give him an excuse to punish me.. yes I enjoy those.

Actually being defiant and disobeying him so I get a "real" punishment.. not at all. They hurt either emotionally, mentally or physically just like a real punishment would.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
so what about the days when you dont want to do what your master says? do those days ever come? what if you feel defiant or your master pisses you off?


also, those who are submissive.. is there by chance any correlation to how you were ... more
I've been trying to make sense of this sort of thing lately. I'm submissive, and I was definitely raised in a family where my parents showed love by giving constructive criticism (or even not-so-constructive criticism). So, to me, hearing "that was a good pie but the crust wasn't quite flaky enough" meant "I appreciate the effort you put into making that pie, and I look forward to the future with you even more, so let's work on improving it!"

So when my boyfriend doesn't give me instructions on how to give him a backrub, I panic because I feel like he doesn't care enough about me to want to help me improve.


I don't know how much of that counts as being submissive, and how much is just seeping-over from trying to understand myself more fully. These might not actually be related to d/s at all. Just thought I'd share?

I think what I mean is---I feel good when I am making the people I care about happy.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Tessa Taboo Tessa Taboo
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
that sounds neat.
Yes it does!
11/16/2011
Contributor: Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by Tessa Taboo
Me too. I'm a control FREAK. I make decisions, and I micromanage, horribly. It drives Arick up the damn wall. BUt I think, to be submissive on a constant basis, I would start to feel like a drone. And it would be hard to keep my sense of self.
I do the same and I haven't lost myself. I actually feel more at home and comfortable than I've ever been. I can see where some would feel like that though or think that could happen if they haven't been in that type of relationship.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Kitka Kitka
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
that sounds neat.
It sucked growing up most of the time to be honest. What kid wants to do that stuff and go to school on vacations.. not this one, I tell you that much. It did have it's advantages though.
11/16/2011
Contributor: aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Rayne Millaray
That should have read 'very few punishments I don't enjoy'. I'm a weirdo.
i'd like to take a moment just to thank all you involved in BDSM relationships for coming out and sharing with us! i've learned SO much just in the past hour. it's really neat to hear all your stories and i'm grateful for them.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
do you find that in other relationships you are submissive as well? or are you defiant to rules in society generally?


see, me i generally HATE people telling me what to do. nothing pisses me off worse than that. i despise authority and ... more
I tend to be submissive to just about everybody. I wrote my office mate's Master's Thesis before I wrote my own. (He wasn't from an English-speaking country, and I felt bad that he had to hunt-and-peck type). But I totally got like 3 weeks behind on my own thesis doing that.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Kitka Kitka
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
i'd like to take a moment just to thank all you involved in BDSM relationships for coming out and sharing with us! i've learned SO much just in the past hour. it's really neat to hear all your stories and i'm grateful for them.
You're welcome Thanks for listening and wanting to learn!
11/16/2011