The New Intimacy

EdenKink - Types of BDSM Relationships - Wednesday, November 16th, 2011 @ 8pm ET

Skip to last post
Set alerts
Updates
Forum search
Contributor: Kynky Kytty Kynky Kytty
Quote:
Originally posted by Noira
Do you giggle on forums that have a "submit" button? I do. ^___^
Hahahaha, I have never seen it that way. It was a good laugh.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Kitka Kitka
Quote:
Originally posted by Tessa Taboo
SO, I guess, all this new knowledge raises one question for me. Is this something that just kind of... happens? Or can I turn to my hubby and say "I want a BDSM relationship." And we work it out from there. Like, is someone just ... more
Daddy is naturally dominant and I've always been naturally submissive. I'm sure some people can learn it but it's definitely easier to already be in that "role".
11/16/2011
Contributor: Tessa Taboo Tessa Taboo
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
wow! good for you. you should check out fetlife.com, you know?
Arick is not NEARLY as kinky outside of the bedroom as I am. That would take a lot of working on. Which, as his mentor, you know... you could mention things...LOL.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Jobthingy Jobthingy
Quote:
Originally posted by Noira
Well, at least in Canada it's illegal to consent to abuse, which is probably some of the reason it's kept under wraps. Sadism and masochism does occasionally bring up questionable legality if you assume that someone's psychologically ... more
Really? I never knew that. I assumed there was no legal issues with it because of the local BDSM club that advertises in the sex shops and whatnot. Shows what I know.
11/16/2011
Contributor: aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Jobthingy
I am totally closet addicted to that show
haha... i started watching it and the lead guy, Kody, has the same name as my boyfriend. but he's sooo creepy looking. i couldn't watch it after very long. he just creeps me out.

its not the lifestyle that creeps me out. honestly some of the things the wives were saying made alot of sense about togetherness and the family. but he is creepy.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Rayne Millaray Rayne Millaray
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
wow. see i dont even know anyone (to my knowledge! who's to say they're not keeping it underwraps) who participates in BDSM.

why is it so underground and hush hush? this type of lifestyle for sex to me seems, now that i'm learning ... more
Generally speaking, people we know go through a test. We start by telling them what I do for a living. Then we discuss the fact that I have an adult blog, which got me my job. And then we slowly "let slip" the types of toys I've reviewed. And if they've passed the test, we make some joke about the collar. If they react badly, we assure them we were merely joking. But have you seen that one CSI?
11/16/2011
Contributor: Noira Noira
Quote:
Originally posted by Tessa Taboo
SO, I guess, all this new knowledge raises one question for me. Is this something that just kind of... happens? Or can I turn to my hubby and say "I want a BDSM relationship." And we work it out from there. Like, is someone just ... more
Well, I'd be more likely to turn to hubby and say something like "Hey, I was interested in spicing things up. How would you like to try this tonight?" instead of just outright saying "I WANT MORE KINKY."

Ease into things. Sure some of it can be learned. Some people naturally know their preferences but this gets right back to the 'play partners' dynamic... talk about your fantasies, the things you want to try. Spankings? Bondage? Ease into things and you two might both love it. Communication is the best way to get started.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by Kynky Kytty
I think that if BDSM becomes abuse, it's no longer BDSM. There are safewords so that limits are not crossed.
Some don't use safewords.. I don't. But if it becomes abuse then you're right.. but the law doesn't recognize that you gave your consent before. So even if it isn't abuse you can still be charged and jailed.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Kynky Kytty Kynky Kytty
Quote:
Originally posted by Tessa Taboo
SO, I guess, all this new knowledge raises one question for me. Is this something that just kind of... happens? Or can I turn to my hubby and say "I want a BDSM relationship." And we work it out from there. Like, is someone just ... more
It starts gradually like, "Oh, I'd like to be tied up tonight, would you like that?" Then you explore from there, and you usually had new stuff to your play.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Tessa Taboo Tessa Taboo
Quote:
Originally posted by Serenesub
It's both.. though the second route is definitely harder I'd start by asking him how he feels about it.. unless you want to be the dominant
I think that I would naturally fall into that place. He can't be dominant if he tries....lol.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Noira Noira
Quote:
Originally posted by Kynky Kytty
I think that if BDSM becomes abuse, it's no longer BDSM. There are safewords so that limits are not crossed.
I absolutely agree, but from the eyes of an onlooker, it can be seen as abuse when there was mutual consent.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Dusk Dusk
Quote:
Originally posted by Tessa Taboo
SO, I guess, all this new knowledge raises one question for me. Is this something that just kind of... happens? Or can I turn to my hubby and say "I want a BDSM relationship." And we work it out from there. Like, is someone just ... more
My partner knew nothing about BDSM, so I started out by asking him if he could hold me down when we were kissing because I liked things a little more rough. He was really open about asking me questions and eventually I established what I liked and what I wanted, and he discovered himself in that vein. I think it has to naturally be inside people, but learning it can be a discovery process initiated by someone else.
11/16/2011
Contributor: macho99 macho99
Quote:
Originally posted by Jobthingy
Really? I never knew that. I assumed there was no legal issues with it because of the local BDSM club that advertises in the sex shops and whatnot. Shows what I know.
I was about to say the same thing. So how do play spaces avoid trouble?
11/16/2011
Contributor: aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Taylor
Maybe you aren't being nosey enough?
ha. amen. and for serenesub... really, ppl lose JOBS over that? i mean, my sexuality isnt something i'd talk about in the workplace but if someone asked me point blank if i liked women i'd be denying myself to say no. so i guess for equal rights for sexual orientations as well.. this could be a lawsuit waiting to happen.
11/16/2011
Contributor: aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Jobthingy
LOL I think you need a button that says Talk to me about your BDSM play"
yes please.
11/16/2011
Contributor: seaofneptune seaofneptune
Quote:
Originally posted by Tessa Taboo
SO, I guess, all this new knowledge raises one question for me. Is this something that just kind of... happens? Or can I turn to my hubby and say "I want a BDSM relationship." And we work it out from there. Like, is someone just ... more
I think it depends - my partner and I's BDSM relationship started gradually. I always had an interest in bondage and it started with me just getting tied up during a sexual act. I became more interested in other aspects of BDSM and actually learned a lot from both Mistress Kay and Rayne when I became a contributor here on EF. Then I ended up just talking to my partner about my interests in BDSM and it went off from there. My partner even tells me that he would have never have seen himself get into BDSM before - but now, he loves it.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Starkiller87 Starkiller87
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
haha... i started watching it and the lead guy, Kody, has the same name as my boyfriend. but he's sooo creepy looking. i couldn't watch it after very long. he just creeps me out.

its not the lifestyle that creeps me out. honestly some ... more
He is kind of creepy sometimes. The wives seem really sweet. Sometimes he comes off as a jerk. I feel bad that the kids feel so convicted by their peers though. Its their lives I say just leave them the hell alone it doesnt involve anyone else.
11/16/2011
Contributor: aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by AndroAngel
BDSM is still illegal in many places. If you aren't careful, you can get arrested for unlawful imprisonment or assault... Possibly worse.
what? illegal? in what way? and what specifically about it is illegal?
11/16/2011
Contributor: seaofneptune seaofneptune
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
Ever after joining fetlife, I can never see a "prev" button opposite the "next" to go back in a picture slideshow without reading "Perv."

They ruined my brain.
Ha ha, that is so funny! I won't be able to see those the same again. :p
11/16/2011
Contributor: Jobthingy Jobthingy
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
haha... i started watching it and the lead guy, Kody, has the same name as my boyfriend. but he's sooo creepy looking. i couldn't watch it after very long. he just creeps me out.

its not the lifestyle that creeps me out. honestly some ... more
I know.. it's his hair. But I cant stop. I hate admitting it.. but... *whispers* I even PVR it.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Rayne Millaray Rayne Millaray
You guys are being really awesome tonight. I'm having a blast. We're already over 300 posts!

Your answers have been great thus far. I agree with most of you completely!

Let's move on to the master/slave dynamic. This type of dynamic can be all over the board. But what does this dynamic look like to you?
11/16/2011
Contributor: Tessa Taboo Tessa Taboo
Quote:
Originally posted by Kynky Kytty
It starts gradually like, "Oh, I'd like to be tied up tonight, would you like that?" Then you explore from there, and you usually had new stuff to your play.
See, we've done the bondage, the whips, the bloodplay, etc. I just don't know how I would go about bringing that 'relationship' out of the bedroom.... or if it would even work for us. Or how to tell.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Rayne Millaray Rayne Millaray
Quote:
Originally posted by Kynky Kytty
It starts gradually like, "Oh, I'd like to be tied up tonight, would you like that?" Then you explore from there, and you usually had new stuff to your play.
Glad to see you here!
11/16/2011
Contributor: Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
ha. amen. and for serenesub... really, ppl lose JOBS over that? i mean, my sexuality isnt something i'd talk about in the workplace but if someone asked me point blank if i liked women i'd be denying myself to say no. so i guess for equal ... more
They have yep. It's illegal in most places and it's viewed as abuse.. it's just like years ago and even now in some places where if somebody found out you were gay they would fire you. We've evolved some since then with that topic but BDSM is still very taboo
11/16/2011
Contributor: Dusk Dusk
Quote:
Originally posted by Tessa Taboo
See, we've done the bondage, the whips, the bloodplay, etc. I just don't know how I would go about bringing that 'relationship' out of the bedroom.... or if it would even work for us. Or how to tell.
The best thing to do would be to ask. And try it out! If it doesn't work, you can stop.
11/16/2011
Contributor: AndroAngel AndroAngel
Quote:
Originally posted by Tessa Taboo
SO, I guess, all this new knowledge raises one question for me. Is this something that just kind of... happens? Or can I turn to my hubby and say "I want a BDSM relationship." And we work it out from there. Like, is someone just ... more
I can recommend a few good books, if you're interested in getting into BDSM.

"Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission" by William Brame and Gloria Brame

"Safe, Sane, Consensual, and Fun" by John Warren

"The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy" by Violet Blue
11/16/2011
Contributor: Noira Noira
Quote:
Originally posted by Serenesub
It's both.. though the second route is definitely harder I'd start by asking him how he feels about it.. unless you want to be the dominant
If you want to be the dominant you still have to ask him how he feels about it! Don't just tie him up and say 'HAH!'

Don't just make the M/f assumption. Lots of men harbor submissive fantasies and just don't know how to bring it up due to the manliness stigma. Communicate in both cases.

And you can get switch/switch relationships too, where partners flip back and forth between roles based on what they want for the night. Switching is totally cool. Nothing wrong with being a kinkster!
11/16/2011
Contributor: Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by Tessa Taboo
See, we've done the bondage, the whips, the bloodplay, etc. I just don't know how I would go about bringing that 'relationship' out of the bedroom.... or if it would even work for us. Or how to tell.
Start slowly.. bring it up and see if your husband wants to try. Then slowly add little rules one at a time and see how it goes.
11/16/2011
Contributor: Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by Noira
If you want to be the dominant you still have to ask him how he feels about it! Don't just tie him up and say 'HAH!'

Don't just make the M/f assumption. Lots of men harbor submissive fantasies and just don't know how to ... more
Oh absolutely! My comment was totally cheeky, not serious.
11/16/2011
Contributor: aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Tessa Taboo
SO, I guess, all this new knowledge raises one question for me. Is this something that just kind of... happens? Or can I turn to my hubby and say "I want a BDSM relationship." And we work it out from there. Like, is someone just ... more
good question~! i mean.. other than FetLife, how does one become involved with something like this? or someone who is into it?
11/16/2011