Intimate pics/vid would upset me. What would I do..?? I dono..
How would you feel if you found out your longterm partner still kept his ex-lovers pictures and videos (nudity ones) on his computer?
05/09/2012
Quote:
@Bayosgirl,
Originally posted by
bayosgirl
Ok, I just read the entire thread, and I am so, so sorry that this ASS is treating you this way. First of all, I completely understand your feeling upset over the pictures and the lingerie. I actually think you handled it very, very well. I
...
more
Ok, I just read the entire thread, and I am so, so sorry that this ASS is treating you this way. First of all, I completely understand your feeling upset over the pictures and the lingerie. I actually think you handled it very, very well. I would've gone ballistic.
Secondly, he called you a bitch? He compared his ex-girlfriend to your deceased father? Oh HELL no! I don't know the history you and your boyfriend have (I hesitate to give him the dignity of that title), but if it were me, in light of this whole situation I would seriously move on. He is showing NO regard to your feelings whatsoever. If he cared about you at all, he'd delete the pictures and throw out the lingerie ASAP.
I know there are some Eden members who disagree, but I personally think that any 'momentos', whether sexual in nature or not, indicate that someone has not moved on. I took my first relationship falling apart really hard and held on stuff from my ex for awhile after we broke up, but it was all long gone by the time I got serious with my husband (then-boyfriend.) Of course, the memory of him is indelibly recorded in my mind, but I try not to think about him too often. Keeping his stuff would definitely be an insult to my husband and who I am today.
I hope he does apologize and change his ways, but the cynic in me thinks he never will (as most people don't.) How do you know he's not contacting this ex of his? I would proceed with extreme caution. And take care of yourself. less
Secondly, he called you a bitch? He compared his ex-girlfriend to your deceased father? Oh HELL no! I don't know the history you and your boyfriend have (I hesitate to give him the dignity of that title), but if it were me, in light of this whole situation I would seriously move on. He is showing NO regard to your feelings whatsoever. If he cared about you at all, he'd delete the pictures and throw out the lingerie ASAP.
I know there are some Eden members who disagree, but I personally think that any 'momentos', whether sexual in nature or not, indicate that someone has not moved on. I took my first relationship falling apart really hard and held on stuff from my ex for awhile after we broke up, but it was all long gone by the time I got serious with my husband (then-boyfriend.) Of course, the memory of him is indelibly recorded in my mind, but I try not to think about him too often. Keeping his stuff would definitely be an insult to my husband and who I am today.
I hope he does apologize and change his ways, but the cynic in me thinks he never will (as most people don't.) How do you know he's not contacting this ex of his? I would proceed with extreme caution. And take care of yourself. less
Thank you for telling me that I handled it well. Today I'm not going to handle it so well. We haven't talked since last night and when I finally went to bed, he just tried to hold me and think nothing was wrong. I am going to bring this shit up again and again and again till I get a real answer and there is some real action. I am going to rip him a new asshole about the comment about my dead father. He should have never even said that name out of his mouth.
This is me -- I slept on it. I was calm yesterday. And today, I'm fucking pissed. I'm not taking this crap. He insists on insulting me.. well baby, I'm going to lay all the god damn cards on the table. I know all his damn secrets, time for world war III.
I'm done being calm. He is still sleeping but when he walks up -- it is so on.
05/09/2012
If the fucker can't even talk like an adult, much less fight like one ...
Seriously, I'm having flashbacks of living with my ex-husband and being blamed for his immature/not-right problems whenever I brought up how inappropriate they are. It was MY problem, not his. Especially when I found his mother-son incest fantasies.
This is emotional abuse, Lolly.
And comparing an ex-girlfriend to your father?? What kind of sick fuck can make that comparison??? Was she his mom, too???
I'm saying it out loud - if he's going to be like this when it's just a bunch of crap from the past, how is he going to be with finances, owning property, and raising children? How is he going to treat you when you need him the most (like after a miscarriage) and he thinks everything is "no big deal"? He's a selfish fuckwit who won't take responsibility.
Don't ignore the Signs like I did. Don't spend a chunk of your life with a man that you hope will eventually "grow up" when he's obviously too wrapped up in himself to bother to do so.
Please, for your own sanity and soul. Don't let it get to the point in which you're standing on a bridge and trying to figure out which rock below will crack your head open just so you can end the pain. Nobody needs to go through that, least of all you.
Seriously, I'm having flashbacks of living with my ex-husband and being blamed for his immature/not-right problems whenever I brought up how inappropriate they are. It was MY problem, not his. Especially when I found his mother-son incest fantasies.
This is emotional abuse, Lolly.
And comparing an ex-girlfriend to your father?? What kind of sick fuck can make that comparison??? Was she his mom, too???
I'm saying it out loud - if he's going to be like this when it's just a bunch of crap from the past, how is he going to be with finances, owning property, and raising children? How is he going to treat you when you need him the most (like after a miscarriage) and he thinks everything is "no big deal"? He's a selfish fuckwit who won't take responsibility.
Don't ignore the Signs like I did. Don't spend a chunk of your life with a man that you hope will eventually "grow up" when he's obviously too wrapped up in himself to bother to do so.
Please, for your own sanity and soul. Don't let it get to the point in which you're standing on a bridge and trying to figure out which rock below will crack your head open just so you can end the pain. Nobody needs to go through that, least of all you.
05/09/2012
Quote:
@Wrmbreze,
Originally posted by
wrmbreze
First off, I am so sorry that he blew up like this
Second- You were not being a bitch or immature by telling him how you felt in a calm manner- He was all those things.
I think you should tell him that after this you're not going to say ... more
Second- You were not being a bitch or immature by telling him how you felt in a calm manner- He was all those things.
I think you should tell him that after this you're not going to say ... more
First off, I am so sorry that he blew up like this
Second- You were not being a bitch or immature by telling him how you felt in a calm manner- He was all those things.
I think you should tell him that after this you're not going to say another thing about it. Your father's things are important to you because HE WAS YOUR FATHER!
I asked my husband about this and for someone who isn't very emotional and stuff just doesn't bother him a lot-( and I am totally not telling you this to piss you off or upset you in any way)
My hubby says- Your boyfriend is an ass and you should dump him. He totally missed the point of your conversation.
( I am not saying you should really dump him but there should be some serious reevaluation of your relationship)
Seriously, I feel like he is trying to sabotage your relationship but place the blame squarely on your shoulders if you break up. If nothing else you should maybe talk to someone to get your feelings out and help you to deal.
I wish I was near so I could give you a great big hug and him a smack upside his head but I will settle for >
You didn't deserve how he treated you and I hope you don't take any of the blame on yourself. You should never feel bad for telling someone you love how something they did made you feel. I know this because things my husband has done unconsciously have hurt me and it took many many years before he understood where I was coming from. He is not a very feeling person and has trouble understanding other people's feelings. He used to think if something he did or said hurt my feelings that it was my fault for interpreting it in a way that hurt my feelings. He understands now that you can't always help how things make you feel and that the responsibility isn't mine alone for those feelings. We both need to own it.
Sorry for this really long post- I hope everything works out the way that you want. less
Second- You were not being a bitch or immature by telling him how you felt in a calm manner- He was all those things.
I think you should tell him that after this you're not going to say another thing about it. Your father's things are important to you because HE WAS YOUR FATHER!
I asked my husband about this and for someone who isn't very emotional and stuff just doesn't bother him a lot-( and I am totally not telling you this to piss you off or upset you in any way)
My hubby says- Your boyfriend is an ass and you should dump him. He totally missed the point of your conversation.
( I am not saying you should really dump him but there should be some serious reevaluation of your relationship)
Seriously, I feel like he is trying to sabotage your relationship but place the blame squarely on your shoulders if you break up. If nothing else you should maybe talk to someone to get your feelings out and help you to deal.
I wish I was near so I could give you a great big hug and him a smack upside his head but I will settle for >
You didn't deserve how he treated you and I hope you don't take any of the blame on yourself. You should never feel bad for telling someone you love how something they did made you feel. I know this because things my husband has done unconsciously have hurt me and it took many many years before he understood where I was coming from. He is not a very feeling person and has trouble understanding other people's feelings. He used to think if something he did or said hurt my feelings that it was my fault for interpreting it in a way that hurt my feelings. He understands now that you can't always help how things make you feel and that the responsibility isn't mine alone for those feelings. We both need to own it.
Sorry for this really long post- I hope everything works out the way that you want. less
I feel like he is trying to sabotage our relationship too. He was actually trying to say that. If my feelings were hurt (when we were talking it out last night) it wasn't his problem because I caused that problem. I made myself upset apparently. Apparently -- not his problem or fault. I don't mind your very long post. It was much appreciated.
05/09/2012
Quote:
@Stormy,
Originally posted by
Ansley
Wow...this guy. He's the one who is throwing around emotional abuse. To even bring up your father in a conversation about a past relationship, regardless of the context, is completely out of line. Looks like he was throwing everything but the
...
more
Wow...this guy. He's the one who is throwing around emotional abuse. To even bring up your father in a conversation about a past relationship, regardless of the context, is completely out of line. Looks like he was throwing everything but the kitchen sink at you. Cut him loose. You deserve better. No ifs, ands, or buts about girl.
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Thank you Stormy. I slept on it and weird.. I feel even more pissed. A new discussion is in order with him and I'm not going to be this nice, calm girl that I was last night. I'm going to be a fucking bitch and make him beg on his knees to keep me around. Thank you.
05/09/2012
Quote:
@Chillipepper,
Originally posted by
Chilipepper
If the fucker can't even talk like an adult, much less fight like one ...
Seriously, I'm having flashbacks of living with my ex-husband and being blamed for his immature/not-right problems whenever I brought up how inappropriate they ... more
Seriously, I'm having flashbacks of living with my ex-husband and being blamed for his immature/not-right problems whenever I brought up how inappropriate they ... more
If the fucker can't even talk like an adult, much less fight like one ...
Seriously, I'm having flashbacks of living with my ex-husband and being blamed for his immature/not-right problems whenever I brought up how inappropriate they are. It was MY problem, not his. Especially when I found his mother-son incest fantasies.
This is emotional abuse, Lolly.
And comparing an ex-girlfriend to your father?? What kind of sick fuck can make that comparison??? Was she his mom, too???
I'm saying it out loud - if he's going to be like this when it's just a bunch of crap from the past, how is he going to be with finances, owning property, and raising children? How is he going to treat you when you need him the most (like after a miscarriage) and he thinks everything is "no big deal"? He's a selfish fuckwit who won't take responsibility.
Don't ignore the Signs like I did. Don't spend a chunk of your life with a man that you hope will eventually "grow up" when he's obviously too wrapped up in himself to bother to do so.
Please, for your own sanity and soul. Don't let it get to the point in which you're standing on a bridge and trying to figure out which rock below will crack your head open just so you can end the pain. Nobody needs to go through that, least of all you. less
Seriously, I'm having flashbacks of living with my ex-husband and being blamed for his immature/not-right problems whenever I brought up how inappropriate they are. It was MY problem, not his. Especially when I found his mother-son incest fantasies.
This is emotional abuse, Lolly.
And comparing an ex-girlfriend to your father?? What kind of sick fuck can make that comparison??? Was she his mom, too???
I'm saying it out loud - if he's going to be like this when it's just a bunch of crap from the past, how is he going to be with finances, owning property, and raising children? How is he going to treat you when you need him the most (like after a miscarriage) and he thinks everything is "no big deal"? He's a selfish fuckwit who won't take responsibility.
Don't ignore the Signs like I did. Don't spend a chunk of your life with a man that you hope will eventually "grow up" when he's obviously too wrapped up in himself to bother to do so.
Please, for your own sanity and soul. Don't let it get to the point in which you're standing on a bridge and trying to figure out which rock below will crack your head open just so you can end the pain. Nobody needs to go through that, least of all you. less
He definitely has skeletons in his closet that I am aware of and will bring up when he finally wakes up. If he wants to try and hurt me deeply, let me bring back his old memories. Let's see how he enjoys being tormented. I can play the game as well as he can. I'm not standing for this. I want a damn apology and action. I want change. I'm not going to wait for it either. It happens TODAY. I'm not doing this "baby step" crap. He needs to grow up and grow some balls.
This is me after I've slept on it. I was all calm and collected yesterday. Today.. I am a complete bitch. I don't want to have to be the one that says they are sorry. IM NOT SORRY. At all. I don't feel any remorse. Why should I? He needs to get on his hands and knees and beg me to stay and say he is sorry for what he said and never bring up my father's name again. I don't even care about the lingerie and porn and shit anymore. I'm going to toss the lingerie in a garbage bag infront of him, move him aside his computer and delete the "porn pictures and videos" and walk right out of the room with my head held up high because no one should make me feel this way. NO ONE.
Thank you for letting me vent. Calm and collected lulu is gone. Hello, bitchy lulu.
05/09/2012
Good luck, honey. Make sure you eat breakfast first, this sounds like a day you'll need your reserves.
Moving in with people is *so* fraught with tensions in a million ways---but it's definitely the right time to notice the feelings in your gut and not settle for things that you know are going to bother you down the line. Waiting and naively hoping that things will get better over time isn't the right track, so good job listening to yourself.
Moving in with people is *so* fraught with tensions in a million ways---but it's definitely the right time to notice the feelings in your gut and not settle for things that you know are going to bother you down the line. Waiting and naively hoping that things will get better over time isn't the right track, so good job listening to yourself.
05/09/2012
Quote:
I'm so sorry to hear this. I was really hoping talking about it like adults would open his eyes, or at least get him to think in a mature adult manner. That was not the case...
Originally posted by
LusciousLollypop
Update :
I finally talked to him when he got home about everything. We were laying in bed and I said I needed to talk with him about something that needed to be discussed. I was very calm and collected. I didn't raise my voice. I ... more
I finally talked to him when he got home about everything. We were laying in bed and I said I needed to talk with him about something that needed to be discussed. I was very calm and collected. I didn't raise my voice. I ... more
Update :
I finally talked to him when he got home about everything. We were laying in bed and I said I needed to talk with him about something that needed to be discussed. I was very calm and collected. I didn't raise my voice. I didn't curse. I calmly told him that I was cleaning the room to make it our own and in his closet, I found things from his ex-girlfriend that he still had.
I said that we were going to discuss this like adults and not get angry (he gets angry easily..). I used a very calm and collected voice the entire time. I asked him why he still had the belongings of his ex-girlfriend after two years and moving four times.
He called me a bitch, jealous, and very insecure. He said that I always do this and always nit pick at everything to destroy our relationship. He said we already discussed this and he thought that we already got over it. (I had found her gloves sitting on a desk table in his room and he said that he forgot they were there and doesn't get rid of things).
I asked again why he decided to keep her belongings if it was over between them in a very calm voice. He started to yell and compared my dead father's belongings to hers. He said that it was someone he cared about and why should he throw out anything. I cannot believe that he even put his ex-girlfriend in my dead father's comparison. I was very, very hurt. I didn't cry. I didn't want him to see me cry.
He again decided to keep yelling and saying that I treat him like a child and I am trying to sabotage our relationship with how jealous and insecure I get. He kept on repeating that he doesn't throw anything out because he doesn't seem to see the reason to.
I asked him if I were to have pictures/videos/belong ings of my ex-boyfriends and kept them around for years, how would he feel? He said that he wouldn't care because he doesn't get jealous or childish like I do.
He got angrier and angrier. He again said that if it mattered to me that much, I should throw out my dead father's belongings. He said that he feels like I don't trust him and he is disappointed in me, as he was yelling and cursing. He finally said that I am the cause of all our fights and always want to fight about something. I had to leave the room and take a walk to find my own zen.
I guess it didn't go as well as I would have hoped. I kept my cool and didn't raise my voice. I stayed calm the whole time but it just seemed like everything he was saying to me.. he was trying to hurt me. He was trying to make me cry and make me feel bad. He doesn't feel the need or understand where I am coming from and doesn't want to get rid of anything because "it isn't a big deal" and apparently I am making it a big deal.
Yeah.
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I finally talked to him when he got home about everything. We were laying in bed and I said I needed to talk with him about something that needed to be discussed. I was very calm and collected. I didn't raise my voice. I didn't curse. I calmly told him that I was cleaning the room to make it our own and in his closet, I found things from his ex-girlfriend that he still had.
I said that we were going to discuss this like adults and not get angry (he gets angry easily..). I used a very calm and collected voice the entire time. I asked him why he still had the belongings of his ex-girlfriend after two years and moving four times.
He called me a bitch, jealous, and very insecure. He said that I always do this and always nit pick at everything to destroy our relationship. He said we already discussed this and he thought that we already got over it. (I had found her gloves sitting on a desk table in his room and he said that he forgot they were there and doesn't get rid of things).
I asked again why he decided to keep her belongings if it was over between them in a very calm voice. He started to yell and compared my dead father's belongings to hers. He said that it was someone he cared about and why should he throw out anything. I cannot believe that he even put his ex-girlfriend in my dead father's comparison. I was very, very hurt. I didn't cry. I didn't want him to see me cry.
He again decided to keep yelling and saying that I treat him like a child and I am trying to sabotage our relationship with how jealous and insecure I get. He kept on repeating that he doesn't throw anything out because he doesn't seem to see the reason to.
I asked him if I were to have pictures/videos/belong ings of my ex-boyfriends and kept them around for years, how would he feel? He said that he wouldn't care because he doesn't get jealous or childish like I do.
He got angrier and angrier. He again said that if it mattered to me that much, I should throw out my dead father's belongings. He said that he feels like I don't trust him and he is disappointed in me, as he was yelling and cursing. He finally said that I am the cause of all our fights and always want to fight about something. I had to leave the room and take a walk to find my own zen.
I guess it didn't go as well as I would have hoped. I kept my cool and didn't raise my voice. I stayed calm the whole time but it just seemed like everything he was saying to me.. he was trying to hurt me. He was trying to make me cry and make me feel bad. He doesn't feel the need or understand where I am coming from and doesn't want to get rid of anything because "it isn't a big deal" and apparently I am making it a big deal.
Yeah.
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I know his comparing his stash to your father's belongings hurt you, but it may have been a blessing in disguise. Think about it: you hold on to your father's belongings because he was a major part of your life, and you don't want to ever let go of your memories of him. You want a way to re-live those cherished moments, even if it's only in your mind.
If your boyfriend is treating his ex's belongings like that... well, that says a lot, doesn't it?
He acted like an ass, but if I may say, you're both very young. Instant maturity will come with... who am I kidding? I know guys in their 60's who act like they're 5. Perfect maturity is a myth, and I don't know enough about your boyfriend to even guess about his motivations, but it is possible that he's being defensive and projecting his feelings onto you because deep down he knows there is a problem and that he's in the wrong.
Sorting this out will not be easy, I wish you the best.
05/09/2012
Wow...this goes way beyond fantasizing about an ex. Judging from his reaction - when you were acting totally calm and rational - this guy sounds like bad news. If he has a history of this sort of reaction, it is time to go. I would not bother with making him beg you to stay. Do you know how many abused women have been begged to stay by their abusers...and convinced to stay, sometimes with deadly results?
Please be careful!!!
Please be careful!!!
05/09/2012
Quote:
i completely agree with this. as someone familiar with being on the receiving end of emotional abuse - that is what this looks like.
Originally posted by
Chilipepper
If the fucker can't even talk like an adult, much less fight like one ...
Seriously, I'm having flashbacks of living with my ex-husband and being blamed for his immature/not-right problems whenever I brought up how inappropriate they ... more
Seriously, I'm having flashbacks of living with my ex-husband and being blamed for his immature/not-right problems whenever I brought up how inappropriate they ... more
If the fucker can't even talk like an adult, much less fight like one ...
Seriously, I'm having flashbacks of living with my ex-husband and being blamed for his immature/not-right problems whenever I brought up how inappropriate they are. It was MY problem, not his. Especially when I found his mother-son incest fantasies.
This is emotional abuse, Lolly.
And comparing an ex-girlfriend to your father?? What kind of sick fuck can make that comparison??? Was she his mom, too???
I'm saying it out loud - if he's going to be like this when it's just a bunch of crap from the past, how is he going to be with finances, owning property, and raising children? How is he going to treat you when you need him the most (like after a miscarriage) and he thinks everything is "no big deal"? He's a selfish fuckwit who won't take responsibility.
Don't ignore the Signs like I did. Don't spend a chunk of your life with a man that you hope will eventually "grow up" when he's obviously too wrapped up in himself to bother to do so.
Please, for your own sanity and soul. Don't let it get to the point in which you're standing on a bridge and trying to figure out which rock below will crack your head open just so you can end the pain. Nobody needs to go through that, least of all you. less
Seriously, I'm having flashbacks of living with my ex-husband and being blamed for his immature/not-right problems whenever I brought up how inappropriate they are. It was MY problem, not his. Especially when I found his mother-son incest fantasies.
This is emotional abuse, Lolly.
And comparing an ex-girlfriend to your father?? What kind of sick fuck can make that comparison??? Was she his mom, too???
I'm saying it out loud - if he's going to be like this when it's just a bunch of crap from the past, how is he going to be with finances, owning property, and raising children? How is he going to treat you when you need him the most (like after a miscarriage) and he thinks everything is "no big deal"? He's a selfish fuckwit who won't take responsibility.
Don't ignore the Signs like I did. Don't spend a chunk of your life with a man that you hope will eventually "grow up" when he's obviously too wrapped up in himself to bother to do so.
Please, for your own sanity and soul. Don't let it get to the point in which you're standing on a bridge and trying to figure out which rock below will crack your head open just so you can end the pain. Nobody needs to go through that, least of all you. less
you deserve so much better. much better is out there. please, don't let him treat you like this.
i'd leave him to his hurtful nature and unresolved issues.
you deserve so much better.
05/09/2012
Last Update.. Hopefully :
We talked again finally and he basically blamed me for everything again. I didn't really want to talk so I wrote a letter like people have suggested to do. Well.. an extremely large and long text because I didn't have a pen
My letter :
"I'm not talking to you because when I do or voice an opinion, you get angry and turn into this person who is out to do everything in their power to hurt my feelings. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not going to take this shit. It is shit and you know it. I'm trying not to yell and rip your eyes out. If you ever speak about my father in the same damn sentence as your ex girlfriend again, we are going to have mother fucking problems. That is the most disrespectful thing you could ever say and you meant to hurt me with it. That isn't the guy that I know and somewhere long the line, you changed. I shouldn't have to take this. I shouldn't have to be put down everytime I have a concern that I want to talk about. You really need to think before you speak. I have every right to express my feelings about the ex girlfriends things. I don't even care about it anymore. You made it more then clear that it is all my fault. You always do that too. Everything is always turned around and made my fault. Somehow in your mind, you don't understand anything. You need to look at things from my prospective and stop being so stubborn and getting angry so easily. I'm not going to take this for much longer. If you want me in your life, things have got to change. I will not be emotionally abused by this shit anymore. And you will NEVER lay a hand on me again, Ever. Do you understand me? You have a girl in your life now. A girl with emotions and feelings. A girl who loves you and you are ruining it. Maybe you are the one that is sabotaging us. If this is going to work, we need more give and take. We need more compromise and less of you flipping out. I don't need that negativity in my life. I need you. And you need me. And I would rather not lose that. Have I said enough for you to understand how badly you have hurt me?"
He said : And yet you have no idea how much you upset me
Me : I do know that I upset you. Obviously asking for you to give up parts of your past upset you. I get that. But you are vicious. So, I irriated you. You told me that if I need to talk about something, I talk to you about it. So I did. I did it in a super calm and collected manner. You were immature about it. It was like you didn't care what I was saying and nothing mattered but what was going on through your head. Even if I did upset you, you took it too far. You always take it too far.
Him : You never listened to a word I was saying. You just kept on trying to shove your ideas into me
Me : You didn't listen to a word I said either. You thought I was freaking out and being jealous when I wasn't and then you called me a liar. We are different people. We have different opinions and we don't always understand eachother. There is still no need to get as vicious as you did.
Him : There is when you don't do a damn thing to try and understand. you don't listen when we talk, so i have to yell and berrate you to get it through your head
Me : You need to tell me that things are going to change or we are going to have more serious problems then we already have. There is never a reason to yell or berrate me. You should never do that. That makes no sense. You seriously think that helps anything? You can just talk calmly to me. We could have come to a conclusion to our issue a lot faster and without hurting eachother without your anger issues.
Him : I can't talk to you calmly. it gets nowhere. your a brick wall when it comes to talking.
Me : Why do you think it is acceptable to yell and berrate me to get anything through my head? That is not the way to go about things. You need to try. You need to get your anger and emotions under control and try to talk calmly like I was. You immediately got defensive. You told me that if I have a problem, talk with you about it. What do you want? Do you want me not to talk about anything bothering me anymore or talk about it with you?
Him : You need to try to actually listen to me when I talk.
After that.. he came into the room and we talked. He was calm but got angry near the end of the conversation. I didn't want to fight anymore and just started saying "Fine", "Fine", "Fine" whenever he said something. I said that we need to communicate more with a little less anger and find our zen when it comes to eachother. He says I never listen to him and I said yes, I don't listen to you. When he starts to yell, I zone him out completely. Why should I listen to that? I really don't. I told him that. He said he won't say sorry and he shouldn't have to. But apparently he loves me a lot and doesn't want to lose me. Go figure. A work in process, I suppose.
We talked again finally and he basically blamed me for everything again. I didn't really want to talk so I wrote a letter like people have suggested to do. Well.. an extremely large and long text because I didn't have a pen
My letter :
"I'm not talking to you because when I do or voice an opinion, you get angry and turn into this person who is out to do everything in their power to hurt my feelings. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not going to take this shit. It is shit and you know it. I'm trying not to yell and rip your eyes out. If you ever speak about my father in the same damn sentence as your ex girlfriend again, we are going to have mother fucking problems. That is the most disrespectful thing you could ever say and you meant to hurt me with it. That isn't the guy that I know and somewhere long the line, you changed. I shouldn't have to take this. I shouldn't have to be put down everytime I have a concern that I want to talk about. You really need to think before you speak. I have every right to express my feelings about the ex girlfriends things. I don't even care about it anymore. You made it more then clear that it is all my fault. You always do that too. Everything is always turned around and made my fault. Somehow in your mind, you don't understand anything. You need to look at things from my prospective and stop being so stubborn and getting angry so easily. I'm not going to take this for much longer. If you want me in your life, things have got to change. I will not be emotionally abused by this shit anymore. And you will NEVER lay a hand on me again, Ever. Do you understand me? You have a girl in your life now. A girl with emotions and feelings. A girl who loves you and you are ruining it. Maybe you are the one that is sabotaging us. If this is going to work, we need more give and take. We need more compromise and less of you flipping out. I don't need that negativity in my life. I need you. And you need me. And I would rather not lose that. Have I said enough for you to understand how badly you have hurt me?"
He said : And yet you have no idea how much you upset me
Me : I do know that I upset you. Obviously asking for you to give up parts of your past upset you. I get that. But you are vicious. So, I irriated you. You told me that if I need to talk about something, I talk to you about it. So I did. I did it in a super calm and collected manner. You were immature about it. It was like you didn't care what I was saying and nothing mattered but what was going on through your head. Even if I did upset you, you took it too far. You always take it too far.
Him : You never listened to a word I was saying. You just kept on trying to shove your ideas into me
Me : You didn't listen to a word I said either. You thought I was freaking out and being jealous when I wasn't and then you called me a liar. We are different people. We have different opinions and we don't always understand eachother. There is still no need to get as vicious as you did.
Him : There is when you don't do a damn thing to try and understand. you don't listen when we talk, so i have to yell and berrate you to get it through your head
Me : You need to tell me that things are going to change or we are going to have more serious problems then we already have. There is never a reason to yell or berrate me. You should never do that. That makes no sense. You seriously think that helps anything? You can just talk calmly to me. We could have come to a conclusion to our issue a lot faster and without hurting eachother without your anger issues.
Him : I can't talk to you calmly. it gets nowhere. your a brick wall when it comes to talking.
Me : Why do you think it is acceptable to yell and berrate me to get anything through my head? That is not the way to go about things. You need to try. You need to get your anger and emotions under control and try to talk calmly like I was. You immediately got defensive. You told me that if I have a problem, talk with you about it. What do you want? Do you want me not to talk about anything bothering me anymore or talk about it with you?
Him : You need to try to actually listen to me when I talk.
After that.. he came into the room and we talked. He was calm but got angry near the end of the conversation. I didn't want to fight anymore and just started saying "Fine", "Fine", "Fine" whenever he said something. I said that we need to communicate more with a little less anger and find our zen when it comes to eachother. He says I never listen to him and I said yes, I don't listen to you. When he starts to yell, I zone him out completely. Why should I listen to that? I really don't. I told him that. He said he won't say sorry and he shouldn't have to. But apparently he loves me a lot and doesn't want to lose me. Go figure. A work in process, I suppose.
05/10/2012
I can't tell you to leave him or stay with him cause that's not my place and relationships run deeper than any outsider can know. But I can tell you that this is really unhealthy for both of you.
My mom is a lot like your man in that she has no idea how to communicate and never really understands my feelings. She sent me to a shrink years ago, who told me that he was treating the wrong person and had my mom come in for a session with me. Long story short, he taught us how to talk to each other. It worked for a while but she's gone back to her old ways. The main thing to remember is that you can't talk down to people like that. As soon as you mention things like "you need to do this" or "stop doing that", they flip to defensive mode and shut down. All further communication is useless. Remember to speak from your emotions. Tell him how you feel rather than point out what he does. It sounds silly but the words you choose to say to him will make all the difference.
Your boyfriend says there's no reason for getting rid of his exes stuff? YOU are the reason. It bothers you. You shouldn't have to feel bad about that.
One more thing... When you told him about the suitcase and he immediately flipped out... I could be wrong but in my experience when someone automatically gets upset like that, they're hiding something. It seemed to me like he was trying to blow it up and turn it around on you so that you wouldn't uncover anything else.
Maybe this is something that you can work out and maybe it isn't. Only you know that though. Take your time and listen to each other. But that will only happen when you're both willing to take in each other's feelings. Not that you haven't been. But he clearly feels like you're not. Its just about how you approach him with it. Choose your words wisely.
I hope that helps a little. And I truly do hope you two can figure something out that you're both comfortable with.
All my love hun!!
My mom is a lot like your man in that she has no idea how to communicate and never really understands my feelings. She sent me to a shrink years ago, who told me that he was treating the wrong person and had my mom come in for a session with me. Long story short, he taught us how to talk to each other. It worked for a while but she's gone back to her old ways. The main thing to remember is that you can't talk down to people like that. As soon as you mention things like "you need to do this" or "stop doing that", they flip to defensive mode and shut down. All further communication is useless. Remember to speak from your emotions. Tell him how you feel rather than point out what he does. It sounds silly but the words you choose to say to him will make all the difference.
Your boyfriend says there's no reason for getting rid of his exes stuff? YOU are the reason. It bothers you. You shouldn't have to feel bad about that.
One more thing... When you told him about the suitcase and he immediately flipped out... I could be wrong but in my experience when someone automatically gets upset like that, they're hiding something. It seemed to me like he was trying to blow it up and turn it around on you so that you wouldn't uncover anything else.
Maybe this is something that you can work out and maybe it isn't. Only you know that though. Take your time and listen to each other. But that will only happen when you're both willing to take in each other's feelings. Not that you haven't been. But he clearly feels like you're not. Its just about how you approach him with it. Choose your words wisely.
I hope that helps a little. And I truly do hope you two can figure something out that you're both comfortable with.
All my love hun!!
05/10/2012
Quote:
Lulu (I love that name!),
Originally posted by
LusciousLollypop
@Asphyxia,
Yeah, his reaction wasn't the greatest. I was hoping it would go better. Thank you for telling me that I handled it with dignity and class. You are very sweet. I hope he understands and realizes that he majorly fucked up and ... more
Yeah, his reaction wasn't the greatest. I was hoping it would go better. Thank you for telling me that I handled it with dignity and class. You are very sweet. I hope he understands and realizes that he majorly fucked up and ... more
@Asphyxia,
Yeah, his reaction wasn't the greatest. I was hoping it would go better. Thank you for telling me that I handled it with dignity and class. You are very sweet. I hope he understands and realizes that he majorly fucked up and needs to apologize. less
Yeah, his reaction wasn't the greatest. I was hoping it would go better. Thank you for telling me that I handled it with dignity and class. You are very sweet. I hope he understands and realizes that he majorly fucked up and needs to apologize. less
I just call it like I see it! And about waking up pissed off and ready to lay it on the line: you're NOT being a bitch (contrary to what many men would have us believe), you're behaving with self-respect and standing up for yourself and insisting that HE treat you with respect too! Not only do you deserve respect, but you deserve to be cherished!
One thing you said in your letter to him sort of stood out to me, so I just want to ask you about it to clarify: you said "And you will NEVER lay a hand on me again." I read your review about the leather flogger, so I understand that in the D/s context, that sort of thing goes on, but are you saying that it has happened OUTSIDE that context? Because if that's the case, that's VERY BAD and I would be extremely concerned for your safety! As far as I'm concerned, ONE time is too many!
In reading his responses to you, I noticed a huge red flag. He actually tried to justify berating you!!! There is NO justification in the world that makes that okay! That is absolutely unacceptable! No one deserves that! He's supposed to be the person that you can depend on for emotional support, not someone that pulls the rug out from under you! You have to be able to trust him and know that he has your back! Emotional abuse can be even MORE destructive than physical! (But they're BOTH unacceptable!)
I certainly can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that I had to kiss a lot of toads (granted, I probably had a pretty skewed sample) before I found my Prince Charming. I don't mean literally, because he's got his share of issues, and that fairy tale romance stuff isn't reality in ANY way. I just mean that until I met my hubby, I was pretty convinced that all guys were idiotic losers and I that would eventually have to content myself with the nicest loser I could find. I was stunned to find a man that's ACTUALLY pretty damn amazing! He restored my belief that there ARE good guys in the world! I've seen it with my own two eyes!
I just wanted to let you know that, just in case it's as much a revelation to you as it was to me. If you do decide to go your own way, there ARE good ones out there! I can tell that you have the strength to get through this no matter what you decide. You WILL be okay! More big hugs!
05/10/2012
Quote:
It looks like you are ready to end it. I think you know that he won't go on "bended knee" and are "asking" for something he has no ability or intention of doing.
Originally posted by
LusciousLollypop
@Chillipepper,
He definitely has skeletons in his closet that I am aware of and will bring up when he finally wakes up. If he wants to try and hurt me deeply, let me bring back his old memories. Let's see how he enjoys being tormented. I ... more
He definitely has skeletons in his closet that I am aware of and will bring up when he finally wakes up. If he wants to try and hurt me deeply, let me bring back his old memories. Let's see how he enjoys being tormented. I ... more
@Chillipepper,
He definitely has skeletons in his closet that I am aware of and will bring up when he finally wakes up. If he wants to try and hurt me deeply, let me bring back his old memories. Let's see how he enjoys being tormented. I can play the game as well as he can. I'm not standing for this. I want a damn apology and action. I want change. I'm not going to wait for it either. It happens TODAY. I'm not doing this "baby step" crap. He needs to grow up and grow some balls.
This is me after I've slept on it. I was all calm and collected yesterday. Today.. I am a complete bitch. I don't want to have to be the one that says they are sorry. IM NOT SORRY. At all. I don't feel any remorse. Why should I? He needs to get on his hands and knees and beg me to stay and say he is sorry for what he said and never bring up my father's name again. I don't even care about the lingerie and porn and shit anymore. I'm going to toss the lingerie in a garbage bag infront of him, move him aside his computer and delete the "porn pictures and videos" and walk right out of the room with my head held up high because no one should make me feel this way. NO ONE.
Thank you for letting me vent. Calm and collected lulu is gone. Hello, bitchy lulu. less
He definitely has skeletons in his closet that I am aware of and will bring up when he finally wakes up. If he wants to try and hurt me deeply, let me bring back his old memories. Let's see how he enjoys being tormented. I can play the game as well as he can. I'm not standing for this. I want a damn apology and action. I want change. I'm not going to wait for it either. It happens TODAY. I'm not doing this "baby step" crap. He needs to grow up and grow some balls.
This is me after I've slept on it. I was all calm and collected yesterday. Today.. I am a complete bitch. I don't want to have to be the one that says they are sorry. IM NOT SORRY. At all. I don't feel any remorse. Why should I? He needs to get on his hands and knees and beg me to stay and say he is sorry for what he said and never bring up my father's name again. I don't even care about the lingerie and porn and shit anymore. I'm going to toss the lingerie in a garbage bag infront of him, move him aside his computer and delete the "porn pictures and videos" and walk right out of the room with my head held up high because no one should make me feel this way. NO ONE.
Thank you for letting me vent. Calm and collected lulu is gone. Hello, bitchy lulu. less
If you want to end it, end it. Do you want to stoop to his level and try to humiliate him, just to get "satisfaction?" If it's over, it's over. Be the BETTER person and leave.
But, don't play games. Some of the things he did were bad, I have to be honest, the thing that hit me as the worst was comparing your dead father to an old girlfriend. I'm not a jealous person (which is one reason I didn't respond eariler to the thread) so I can't comment on the stuff in the folder. The lingerie; weird. Kind of creepy.
But, he is NOT going to apologize on "bended knee." YOU KNOW THAT. If it's over, be the better person and leave. There is no sane reason to "get back" at him. Especially as you know he is emotioanlly volitile, why would you do that? I don't get it.
IF you are ready to try to stir the pot further, you are ready to leave. YOU KNOW he won't change.
What do you expect from him? You know what kind of person he is. You can't expect him to suddenly be a different person and "beg on bended knee" when he is still simply being defensive. He isn't going to change. You KNOW that, right?
So, what good will going nuts on him do? Will YOU feel better? No, not after you've had time to think about it. Will HE suddenly feel ashamed? NO, you're going nuts and "going on and on about it until I get an answer" will only tell him, "Yep, she's crazy. I'm the good one. Good thing I didn't give in." He'll feel he was RIGHT, if you go nuts on him.
IF this is actually the kind of man he is. IF you aren't the type who, like he says is "always starting fights" and IF he's really that volatile, why stay?
Get out in as SAFE a manner as possible.
Revenge is overrated. Don't put yourself in harms way, or give him the right to say, "She was crazy, it wasn't my fault, look what she did." in any way.
BE THE BETTER PERSON and end it like and adult would.
IF you want to save the relationship (if you think it deserves to be saved and he isn't as potentially violent as it appears) then get thee to a Therapist as soon as possible. If he won't go, so what? Go yourself.
BUT, IF you "go crazy" on him, it will end. As long as it's going to end, you might as well save your dignity and go out like a sane person. THAT might make him think. Going nuts on him will only allow him to continue to think he was in the right.
You have three choices;
1) NEVER let it go, go crazy on him, expecting him to apologize on "bended knee"... and it will end. It will end badly.
2) Be an adult, knowing it will end and end it like an mature adult would so he has little to use as a "crazy bitch" story when he tells it later
3) Patch it up, see a therapist and move on with whatever happens.
I'd choose 2 or 3. NO ONE "wins" when someone gets hurt. Be an adult and handle it as one.
05/10/2012
How can you listen to him if he doesn't say anything? He hasn't made any points, he hasn't offered any explanation or reasons, he's been throwing tantrums and blaming you like a child would. He tells you to shut up and listen by yelling at you? May as well have a mother slap her kid and say "We don't hit people!" In all honestly, in this point in my life, I'd pack my stuff, dump all his ex's stuff in the middle of the floor, and leave a "Dear John" letter with the simple statement: "Since you prefer her more than me, I'll leave you two alone."
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, sweetheart.
*hugs Lulu tightly*
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, sweetheart.
*hugs Lulu tightly*
05/10/2012
Quote:
*SIGH*
Originally posted by
LusciousLollypop
Last Update.. Hopefully :
We talked again finally and he basically blamed me for everything again. I didn't really want to talk so I wrote a letter like people have suggested to do. Well.. an extremely large and long text because I ... more
We talked again finally and he basically blamed me for everything again. I didn't really want to talk so I wrote a letter like people have suggested to do. Well.. an extremely large and long text because I ... more
Last Update.. Hopefully :
We talked again finally and he basically blamed me for everything again. I didn't really want to talk so I wrote a letter like people have suggested to do. Well.. an extremely large and long text because I didn't have a pen
My letter :
"I'm not talking to you because when I do or voice an opinion, you get angry and turn into this person who is out to do everything in their power to hurt my feelings. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not going to take this shit. It is shit and you know it. I'm trying not to yell and rip your eyes out. If you ever speak about my father in the same damn sentence as your ex girlfriend again, we are going to have mother fucking problems. That is the most disrespectful thing you could ever say and you meant to hurt me with it. That isn't the guy that I know and somewhere long the line, you changed. I shouldn't have to take this. I shouldn't have to be put down everytime I have a concern that I want to talk about. You really need to think before you speak. I have every right to express my feelings about the ex girlfriends things. I don't even care about it anymore. You made it more then clear that it is all my fault. You always do that too. Everything is always turned around and made my fault. Somehow in your mind, you don't understand anything. You need to look at things from my prospective and stop being so stubborn and getting angry so easily. I'm not going to take this for much longer. If you want me in your life, things have got to change. I will not be emotionally abused by this shit anymore. And you will NEVER lay a hand on me again, Ever. Do you understand me? You have a girl in your life now. A girl with emotions and feelings. A girl who loves you and you are ruining it. Maybe you are the one that is sabotaging us. If this is going to work, we need more give and take. We need more compromise and less of you flipping out. I don't need that negativity in my life. I need you. And you need me. And I would rather not lose that. Have I said enough for you to understand how badly you have hurt me?"
He said : And yet you have no idea how much you upset me
Me : I do know that I upset you. Obviously asking for you to give up parts of your past upset you. I get that. But you are vicious. So, I irriated you. You told me that if I need to talk about something, I talk to you about it. So I did. I did it in a super calm and collected manner. You were immature about it. It was like you didn't care what I was saying and nothing mattered but what was going on through your head. Even if I did upset you, you took it too far. You always take it too far.
Him : You never listened to a word I was saying. You just kept on trying to shove your ideas into me
Me : You didn't listen to a word I said either. You thought I was freaking out and being jealous when I wasn't and then you called me a liar. We are different people. We have different opinions and we don't always understand eachother. There is still no need to get as vicious as you did.
Him : There is when you don't do a damn thing to try and understand. you don't listen when we talk, so i have to yell and berrate you to get it through your head
Me : You need to tell me that things are going to change or we are going to have more serious problems then we already have. There is never a reason to yell or berrate me. You should never do that. That makes no sense. You seriously think that helps anything? You can just talk calmly to me. We could have come to a conclusion to our issue a lot faster and without hurting eachother without your anger issues.
Him : I can't talk to you calmly. it gets nowhere. your a brick wall when it comes to talking.
Me : Why do you think it is acceptable to yell and berrate me to get anything through my head? That is not the way to go about things. You need to try. You need to get your anger and emotions under control and try to talk calmly like I was. You immediately got defensive. You told me that if I have a problem, talk with you about it. What do you want? Do you want me not to talk about anything bothering me anymore or talk about it with you?
Him : You need to try to actually listen to me when I talk.
After that.. he came into the room and we talked. He was calm but got angry near the end of the conversation. I didn't want to fight anymore and just started saying "Fine", "Fine", "Fine" whenever he said something. I said that we need to communicate more with a little less anger and find our zen when it comes to eachother. He says I never listen to him and I said yes, I don't listen to you. When he starts to yell, I zone him out completely. Why should I listen to that? I really don't. I told him that. He said he won't say sorry and he shouldn't have to. But apparently he loves me a lot and doesn't want to lose me. Go figure. A work in process, I suppose.
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We talked again finally and he basically blamed me for everything again. I didn't really want to talk so I wrote a letter like people have suggested to do. Well.. an extremely large and long text because I didn't have a pen
My letter :
"I'm not talking to you because when I do or voice an opinion, you get angry and turn into this person who is out to do everything in their power to hurt my feelings. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not going to take this shit. It is shit and you know it. I'm trying not to yell and rip your eyes out. If you ever speak about my father in the same damn sentence as your ex girlfriend again, we are going to have mother fucking problems. That is the most disrespectful thing you could ever say and you meant to hurt me with it. That isn't the guy that I know and somewhere long the line, you changed. I shouldn't have to take this. I shouldn't have to be put down everytime I have a concern that I want to talk about. You really need to think before you speak. I have every right to express my feelings about the ex girlfriends things. I don't even care about it anymore. You made it more then clear that it is all my fault. You always do that too. Everything is always turned around and made my fault. Somehow in your mind, you don't understand anything. You need to look at things from my prospective and stop being so stubborn and getting angry so easily. I'm not going to take this for much longer. If you want me in your life, things have got to change. I will not be emotionally abused by this shit anymore. And you will NEVER lay a hand on me again, Ever. Do you understand me? You have a girl in your life now. A girl with emotions and feelings. A girl who loves you and you are ruining it. Maybe you are the one that is sabotaging us. If this is going to work, we need more give and take. We need more compromise and less of you flipping out. I don't need that negativity in my life. I need you. And you need me. And I would rather not lose that. Have I said enough for you to understand how badly you have hurt me?"
He said : And yet you have no idea how much you upset me
Me : I do know that I upset you. Obviously asking for you to give up parts of your past upset you. I get that. But you are vicious. So, I irriated you. You told me that if I need to talk about something, I talk to you about it. So I did. I did it in a super calm and collected manner. You were immature about it. It was like you didn't care what I was saying and nothing mattered but what was going on through your head. Even if I did upset you, you took it too far. You always take it too far.
Him : You never listened to a word I was saying. You just kept on trying to shove your ideas into me
Me : You didn't listen to a word I said either. You thought I was freaking out and being jealous when I wasn't and then you called me a liar. We are different people. We have different opinions and we don't always understand eachother. There is still no need to get as vicious as you did.
Him : There is when you don't do a damn thing to try and understand. you don't listen when we talk, so i have to yell and berrate you to get it through your head
Me : You need to tell me that things are going to change or we are going to have more serious problems then we already have. There is never a reason to yell or berrate me. You should never do that. That makes no sense. You seriously think that helps anything? You can just talk calmly to me. We could have come to a conclusion to our issue a lot faster and without hurting eachother without your anger issues.
Him : I can't talk to you calmly. it gets nowhere. your a brick wall when it comes to talking.
Me : Why do you think it is acceptable to yell and berrate me to get anything through my head? That is not the way to go about things. You need to try. You need to get your anger and emotions under control and try to talk calmly like I was. You immediately got defensive. You told me that if I have a problem, talk with you about it. What do you want? Do you want me not to talk about anything bothering me anymore or talk about it with you?
Him : You need to try to actually listen to me when I talk.
After that.. he came into the room and we talked. He was calm but got angry near the end of the conversation. I didn't want to fight anymore and just started saying "Fine", "Fine", "Fine" whenever he said something. I said that we need to communicate more with a little less anger and find our zen when it comes to eachother. He says I never listen to him and I said yes, I don't listen to you. When he starts to yell, I zone him out completely. Why should I listen to that? I really don't. I told him that. He said he won't say sorry and he shouldn't have to. But apparently he loves me a lot and doesn't want to lose me. Go figure. A work in process, I suppose.
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This is why I didn't respond sooner.
Everything is back at Square One.
Will you wait until yet an other blow up happens? Then what? Is he a different person than he was before all this shit? No? Then what?
Sometimes doing nothing is a choice. A huge choice. The biggest choice you can make. Sometimes being alone is better than being in a place where you can be harmed. But, sometimes people fight, and it sounds worse than it is.
I honestly can't tell which of those this is.
I just have one question; what the hell is this quote from you letter; And you will NEVER lay a hand on me again, Ever. Do you understand me?
Honey, did he hurt you?
I'm now very confused. Are you OK? Please get somewhere where you can be safe? Is he as dangerous and angry as we were told? Or was it an anger reaction on your part to... I have no idea. IF you are not safe, please do the adult thing and get somewhere safe.
If you DO feel he is no danger to you.... I'm still confused.
Please be safe. That's all I can say.
05/10/2012
Quote:
It sounds to me like he's trying to push the blame on you. and turn it into your fault.
Originally posted by
LusciousLollypop
Update :
I finally talked to him when he got home about everything. We were laying in bed and I said I needed to talk with him about something that needed to be discussed. I was very calm and collected. I didn't raise my voice. I ... more
I finally talked to him when he got home about everything. We were laying in bed and I said I needed to talk with him about something that needed to be discussed. I was very calm and collected. I didn't raise my voice. I ... more
Update :
I finally talked to him when he got home about everything. We were laying in bed and I said I needed to talk with him about something that needed to be discussed. I was very calm and collected. I didn't raise my voice. I didn't curse. I calmly told him that I was cleaning the room to make it our own and in his closet, I found things from his ex-girlfriend that he still had.
I said that we were going to discuss this like adults and not get angry (he gets angry easily..). I used a very calm and collected voice the entire time. I asked him why he still had the belongings of his ex-girlfriend after two years and moving four times.
He called me a bitch, jealous, and very insecure. He said that I always do this and always nit pick at everything to destroy our relationship. He said we already discussed this and he thought that we already got over it. (I had found her gloves sitting on a desk table in his room and he said that he forgot they were there and doesn't get rid of things).
I asked again why he decided to keep her belongings if it was over between them in a very calm voice. He started to yell and compared my dead father's belongings to hers. He said that it was someone he cared about and why should he throw out anything. I cannot believe that he even put his ex-girlfriend in my dead father's comparison. I was very, very hurt. I didn't cry. I didn't want him to see me cry.
He again decided to keep yelling and saying that I treat him like a child and I am trying to sabotage our relationship with how jealous and insecure I get. He kept on repeating that he doesn't throw anything out because he doesn't seem to see the reason to.
I asked him if I were to have pictures/videos/belong ings of my ex-boyfriends and kept them around for years, how would he feel? He said that he wouldn't care because he doesn't get jealous or childish like I do.
He got angrier and angrier. He again said that if it mattered to me that much, I should throw out my dead father's belongings. He said that he feels like I don't trust him and he is disappointed in me, as he was yelling and cursing. He finally said that I am the cause of all our fights and always want to fight about something. I had to leave the room and take a walk to find my own zen.
I guess it didn't go as well as I would have hoped. I kept my cool and didn't raise my voice. I stayed calm the whole time but it just seemed like everything he was saying to me.. he was trying to hurt me. He was trying to make me cry and make me feel bad. He doesn't feel the need or understand where I am coming from and doesn't want to get rid of anything because "it isn't a big deal" and apparently I am making it a big deal.
Yeah.
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I finally talked to him when he got home about everything. We were laying in bed and I said I needed to talk with him about something that needed to be discussed. I was very calm and collected. I didn't raise my voice. I didn't curse. I calmly told him that I was cleaning the room to make it our own and in his closet, I found things from his ex-girlfriend that he still had.
I said that we were going to discuss this like adults and not get angry (he gets angry easily..). I used a very calm and collected voice the entire time. I asked him why he still had the belongings of his ex-girlfriend after two years and moving four times.
He called me a bitch, jealous, and very insecure. He said that I always do this and always nit pick at everything to destroy our relationship. He said we already discussed this and he thought that we already got over it. (I had found her gloves sitting on a desk table in his room and he said that he forgot they were there and doesn't get rid of things).
I asked again why he decided to keep her belongings if it was over between them in a very calm voice. He started to yell and compared my dead father's belongings to hers. He said that it was someone he cared about and why should he throw out anything. I cannot believe that he even put his ex-girlfriend in my dead father's comparison. I was very, very hurt. I didn't cry. I didn't want him to see me cry.
He again decided to keep yelling and saying that I treat him like a child and I am trying to sabotage our relationship with how jealous and insecure I get. He kept on repeating that he doesn't throw anything out because he doesn't seem to see the reason to.
I asked him if I were to have pictures/videos/belong ings of my ex-boyfriends and kept them around for years, how would he feel? He said that he wouldn't care because he doesn't get jealous or childish like I do.
He got angrier and angrier. He again said that if it mattered to me that much, I should throw out my dead father's belongings. He said that he feels like I don't trust him and he is disappointed in me, as he was yelling and cursing. He finally said that I am the cause of all our fights and always want to fight about something. I had to leave the room and take a walk to find my own zen.
I guess it didn't go as well as I would have hoped. I kept my cool and didn't raise my voice. I stayed calm the whole time but it just seemed like everything he was saying to me.. he was trying to hurt me. He was trying to make me cry and make me feel bad. He doesn't feel the need or understand where I am coming from and doesn't want to get rid of anything because "it isn't a big deal" and apparently I am making it a big deal.
Yeah.
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Now I'm no DR Phill. But I had a BF, who I dated for a year and a half we had plans to get married the whole nine yards. we lived together and everything. He cheated on me in our own house (we had roommates) and she was their friend first. so she would come over and sit by me on the couch and sleep with him while i was at work. when I finally found out. He said the same things. turned everything around so it was my fault. and it wasn't... because he made that choice.
You're not being childish. or any of the things he said. It's human nature to be genunially up set about this. Now i'm not saying he's cheating or any of that. But I do think it's a big deal. and that if he says it's not or hewouldn't act "jealous or childish" he's full of it.
05/10/2012
Quote:
Agreed
Originally posted by
KrissyNovacaine
Sometimes space and time are what is needed, and I kind of am hearing that you both may need it.
05/10/2012
"you don't listen when we talk, so i have to yell and berrate you to get it through your head "
I think everything Melanie, and P'Gell, and Asphyxia, and the others have said is worth full consideration.
But however else things pan out... the mindset that he was in when he said that sentence (and when he is acting on it, yelling and berating because he thinks it's the only way to get through to you) is not healthy for you to put up with.
I was proud of you when I saw in your transcript that you didn't let that get lost in the talk. I hope you're able to make more progress on that---being yelled at and berated into submission is not a legitimate conversation.
I think everything Melanie, and P'Gell, and Asphyxia, and the others have said is worth full consideration.
But however else things pan out... the mindset that he was in when he said that sentence (and when he is acting on it, yelling and berating because he thinks it's the only way to get through to you) is not healthy for you to put up with.
I was proud of you when I saw in your transcript that you didn't let that get lost in the talk. I hope you're able to make more progress on that---being yelled at and berated into submission is not a legitimate conversation.
05/10/2012
(not to get all personal, I will make this italic so people can skip it easily if they want)
That sentence reminds me of an argument I had with my dad when I was 12 or 13. I don't remember the content of the argument anymore, but I had a legitimate concern, and so did he. But when I was brand-new to being a teenager and questioning my parents, we didn't have a very good rubric for discussing things, so it turned into a big hollering match. It ended with my dad bellowing at the top of his lungs, all as one sentence "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD I'M RIGHT!"
And I just kind of stopped, and spluttered, and felt so outraged that he could end the argument in such a unilateral (and unscientific!) way that came no closer to finding a compromise on whatever-the-heck we were arguing about. And I went up to my room. And I was just forced to give up caring about whatever-it-was, because I was never allowed to re-broach that topic.
And over the years realized that in order to have productive conversations with my dad, I had to make sure he never felt attacked. But---that's the story of how a little girl learned how to stay out of yelling-and-berating arguments with her dad. Hopefully, with a relationship you have chosen instead of a relationship you were born into, you can work together to cultivate a good discussion rubric.
Personally, because of my life experiences so far, I have a very low tolerance for being yelled at (in the "yelling and berating" sense). I have a consciously strong preference of partners who are soft-spoken and intuitive like I am. And when my conscious mind slips up and I wind up dating someone who will yell---I don't let myself stay in a situation where I am being yelled at. Not that I'll yell back... I'll usually just drop my mouth open and not say another word---and then end the relationship the next day/morning/whatever. Because I know how painful being yelled at and berated over time can be.
I hope you're able to protect yourself.
That sentence reminds me of an argument I had with my dad when I was 12 or 13. I don't remember the content of the argument anymore, but I had a legitimate concern, and so did he. But when I was brand-new to being a teenager and questioning my parents, we didn't have a very good rubric for discussing things, so it turned into a big hollering match. It ended with my dad bellowing at the top of his lungs, all as one sentence "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD I'M RIGHT!"
And I just kind of stopped, and spluttered, and felt so outraged that he could end the argument in such a unilateral (and unscientific!) way that came no closer to finding a compromise on whatever-the-heck we were arguing about. And I went up to my room. And I was just forced to give up caring about whatever-it-was, because I was never allowed to re-broach that topic.
And over the years realized that in order to have productive conversations with my dad, I had to make sure he never felt attacked. But---that's the story of how a little girl learned how to stay out of yelling-and-berating arguments with her dad. Hopefully, with a relationship you have chosen instead of a relationship you were born into, you can work together to cultivate a good discussion rubric.
Personally, because of my life experiences so far, I have a very low tolerance for being yelled at (in the "yelling and berating" sense). I have a consciously strong preference of partners who are soft-spoken and intuitive like I am. And when my conscious mind slips up and I wind up dating someone who will yell---I don't let myself stay in a situation where I am being yelled at. Not that I'll yell back... I'll usually just drop my mouth open and not say another word---and then end the relationship the next day/morning/whatever. Because I know how painful being yelled at and berated over time can be.
I hope you're able to protect yourself.
05/10/2012
I would NOT be okay with that! My husband even threw away the "normal" pictures of his exgirlfriend when we found them. I wonder how he would feel if you had that stuff from an ex? I would be very hurt and angry! I'm SO SORRY!
05/10/2012
Quote:
I know you don't know me from adam, But I have a HUGE heart. (sometimes to huge) But in your letter you said "and you will never put your hands on me again." Did he hit you???
Originally posted by
LusciousLollypop
Last Update.. Hopefully :
We talked again finally and he basically blamed me for everything again. I didn't really want to talk so I wrote a letter like people have suggested to do. Well.. an extremely large and long text because I ... more
We talked again finally and he basically blamed me for everything again. I didn't really want to talk so I wrote a letter like people have suggested to do. Well.. an extremely large and long text because I ... more
Last Update.. Hopefully :
We talked again finally and he basically blamed me for everything again. I didn't really want to talk so I wrote a letter like people have suggested to do. Well.. an extremely large and long text because I didn't have a pen
My letter :
"I'm not talking to you because when I do or voice an opinion, you get angry and turn into this person who is out to do everything in their power to hurt my feelings. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not going to take this shit. It is shit and you know it. I'm trying not to yell and rip your eyes out. If you ever speak about my father in the same damn sentence as your ex girlfriend again, we are going to have mother fucking problems. That is the most disrespectful thing you could ever say and you meant to hurt me with it. That isn't the guy that I know and somewhere long the line, you changed. I shouldn't have to take this. I shouldn't have to be put down everytime I have a concern that I want to talk about. You really need to think before you speak. I have every right to express my feelings about the ex girlfriends things. I don't even care about it anymore. You made it more then clear that it is all my fault. You always do that too. Everything is always turned around and made my fault. Somehow in your mind, you don't understand anything. You need to look at things from my prospective and stop being so stubborn and getting angry so easily. I'm not going to take this for much longer. If you want me in your life, things have got to change. I will not be emotionally abused by this shit anymore. And you will NEVER lay a hand on me again, Ever. Do you understand me? You have a girl in your life now. A girl with emotions and feelings. A girl who loves you and you are ruining it. Maybe you are the one that is sabotaging us. If this is going to work, we need more give and take. We need more compromise and less of you flipping out. I don't need that negativity in my life. I need you. And you need me. And I would rather not lose that. Have I said enough for you to understand how badly you have hurt me?"
He said : And yet you have no idea how much you upset me
Me : I do know that I upset you. Obviously asking for you to give up parts of your past upset you. I get that. But you are vicious. So, I irriated you. You told me that if I need to talk about something, I talk to you about it. So I did. I did it in a super calm and collected manner. You were immature about it. It was like you didn't care what I was saying and nothing mattered but what was going on through your head. Even if I did upset you, you took it too far. You always take it too far.
Him : You never listened to a word I was saying. You just kept on trying to shove your ideas into me
Me : You didn't listen to a word I said either. You thought I was freaking out and being jealous when I wasn't and then you called me a liar. We are different people. We have different opinions and we don't always understand eachother. There is still no need to get as vicious as you did.
Him : There is when you don't do a damn thing to try and understand. you don't listen when we talk, so i have to yell and berrate you to get it through your head
Me : You need to tell me that things are going to change or we are going to have more serious problems then we already have. There is never a reason to yell or berrate me. You should never do that. That makes no sense. You seriously think that helps anything? You can just talk calmly to me. We could have come to a conclusion to our issue a lot faster and without hurting eachother without your anger issues.
Him : I can't talk to you calmly. it gets nowhere. your a brick wall when it comes to talking.
Me : Why do you think it is acceptable to yell and berrate me to get anything through my head? That is not the way to go about things. You need to try. You need to get your anger and emotions under control and try to talk calmly like I was. You immediately got defensive. You told me that if I have a problem, talk with you about it. What do you want? Do you want me not to talk about anything bothering me anymore or talk about it with you?
Him : You need to try to actually listen to me when I talk.
After that.. he came into the room and we talked. He was calm but got angry near the end of the conversation. I didn't want to fight anymore and just started saying "Fine", "Fine", "Fine" whenever he said something. I said that we need to communicate more with a little less anger and find our zen when it comes to eachother. He says I never listen to him and I said yes, I don't listen to you. When he starts to yell, I zone him out completely. Why should I listen to that? I really don't. I told him that. He said he won't say sorry and he shouldn't have to. But apparently he loves me a lot and doesn't want to lose me. Go figure. A work in process, I suppose.
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We talked again finally and he basically blamed me for everything again. I didn't really want to talk so I wrote a letter like people have suggested to do. Well.. an extremely large and long text because I didn't have a pen
My letter :
"I'm not talking to you because when I do or voice an opinion, you get angry and turn into this person who is out to do everything in their power to hurt my feelings. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not going to take this shit. It is shit and you know it. I'm trying not to yell and rip your eyes out. If you ever speak about my father in the same damn sentence as your ex girlfriend again, we are going to have mother fucking problems. That is the most disrespectful thing you could ever say and you meant to hurt me with it. That isn't the guy that I know and somewhere long the line, you changed. I shouldn't have to take this. I shouldn't have to be put down everytime I have a concern that I want to talk about. You really need to think before you speak. I have every right to express my feelings about the ex girlfriends things. I don't even care about it anymore. You made it more then clear that it is all my fault. You always do that too. Everything is always turned around and made my fault. Somehow in your mind, you don't understand anything. You need to look at things from my prospective and stop being so stubborn and getting angry so easily. I'm not going to take this for much longer. If you want me in your life, things have got to change. I will not be emotionally abused by this shit anymore. And you will NEVER lay a hand on me again, Ever. Do you understand me? You have a girl in your life now. A girl with emotions and feelings. A girl who loves you and you are ruining it. Maybe you are the one that is sabotaging us. If this is going to work, we need more give and take. We need more compromise and less of you flipping out. I don't need that negativity in my life. I need you. And you need me. And I would rather not lose that. Have I said enough for you to understand how badly you have hurt me?"
He said : And yet you have no idea how much you upset me
Me : I do know that I upset you. Obviously asking for you to give up parts of your past upset you. I get that. But you are vicious. So, I irriated you. You told me that if I need to talk about something, I talk to you about it. So I did. I did it in a super calm and collected manner. You were immature about it. It was like you didn't care what I was saying and nothing mattered but what was going on through your head. Even if I did upset you, you took it too far. You always take it too far.
Him : You never listened to a word I was saying. You just kept on trying to shove your ideas into me
Me : You didn't listen to a word I said either. You thought I was freaking out and being jealous when I wasn't and then you called me a liar. We are different people. We have different opinions and we don't always understand eachother. There is still no need to get as vicious as you did.
Him : There is when you don't do a damn thing to try and understand. you don't listen when we talk, so i have to yell and berrate you to get it through your head
Me : You need to tell me that things are going to change or we are going to have more serious problems then we already have. There is never a reason to yell or berrate me. You should never do that. That makes no sense. You seriously think that helps anything? You can just talk calmly to me. We could have come to a conclusion to our issue a lot faster and without hurting eachother without your anger issues.
Him : I can't talk to you calmly. it gets nowhere. your a brick wall when it comes to talking.
Me : Why do you think it is acceptable to yell and berrate me to get anything through my head? That is not the way to go about things. You need to try. You need to get your anger and emotions under control and try to talk calmly like I was. You immediately got defensive. You told me that if I have a problem, talk with you about it. What do you want? Do you want me not to talk about anything bothering me anymore or talk about it with you?
Him : You need to try to actually listen to me when I talk.
After that.. he came into the room and we talked. He was calm but got angry near the end of the conversation. I didn't want to fight anymore and just started saying "Fine", "Fine", "Fine" whenever he said something. I said that we need to communicate more with a little less anger and find our zen when it comes to eachother. He says I never listen to him and I said yes, I don't listen to you. When he starts to yell, I zone him out completely. Why should I listen to that? I really don't. I told him that. He said he won't say sorry and he shouldn't have to. But apparently he loves me a lot and doesn't want to lose me. Go figure. A work in process, I suppose.
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As I told you before about the BF who cheated. As soon as his little affair started he started getting angry with me over everything and anything. and I didn't know where to go, who to turn to, or what to do. It was the scariest thing I've ever been through in my life. I hade to spend a weekend at my parnets with a black eye because I put to much salt in his dinner...
I learned the hard way that it was an unhealthy and i would never wish that on anyone. if you need anything let me know
05/10/2012
I'd burn him in a bunfire made out of her porn pictures and lingerie. Hah.
05/10/2012
@Everyone,
Thank you all for responding in such a way that really makes sense. You all have different options for me and opinions. I really appreciate that from the community because I did feel that I could post this on the forum and get a response as to what direction I should handle this.
I want to set the record straight and say that I did not totally get up in his face and become this psycho bitch like I said I was going to. I wanted to. I wanted to very badly. I wanted him to explain to me in detail how sorry he was and apologize in great length. I thought about that.. and I knew it wasn't going to end up that way. He woke up later then expected and I really didn't know what to say or do. So, in two different rooms of this house, I texted him. Childish? Probably. I was going to write a letter but this worked fine too.
The three main things from the conversation that I fully comprehended was that :
1. He thinks berating and yelling at me will make me listen to him.
2. I don't know how he feels about abuse or even thinks that he is doing it, but there have been two incidents in the past month where it wasn't crazy awful, but when we "fought" or "argued", he has grabbed my arm pretty hard and for some reason, slapped me in the forehead. The other incident was when I just got here. I playfully slapped him, laughing, in a manner that wasn't dangerous and he would do it too and it was fine until he punched my arm with a lot of force and screamed right in my face "that is not okay". I understand now that that probably wasn't okay, but he did apologize in the words of "I'm sorry I hit you" because he saw the bruise and it lasted for a couple weeks.
3. Comparing my dead father to his ex-girlfriend.
I don't know if that is actually abuse. I know I may sound naive, but I said "Never lay a hand on me every again, Do you understand me?" for a reason. Yes, I am in a D/s relationship but outside of that context, it is not okay in my book. He apologized more then it hurt me and said that he would never do it again. He then told me that he is scared that he may get angry one day and just hit me. I told him that obviously scares me and why am I here? He said that I make him feel calmer, happier then he has ever been, and someone he can see spending the rest of his life with. He has been working on his anger issues for quite some time, way before me, and he said they are getting better. His anger is getting better. And I hope that what he said was true, that he is getting better and trying to change. I can't change him and I shouldn't have to. I do know is that we fight, he yells and I usually listen when I'm not yelling back because he is yelling at me, or just flat out cry. Then somehow.. we make up. And I don't know how this happens, honestly. We make up, and it is fine again. Until the next time he gets angry or I need to talk about something, and this happens. I do think I am in a safe place even though incidents have happened. I'm sure that is naive to a lot of you and I probably sound like an idiot, which is fine. I figure.. if he does seriously hurt me or I see that he is about to, then it is over completely and forever. I will pack my shit and get the fuck out. I don't want to "wait" till that happens, but I know I don't want to go. I want the guy that I met to come back and be that person.. and not this. I believe he is "trying" to be a better person and trying to keep his anger under control.
I do have many options. I can leave. I can dump him and leave. I can go on "vacation" to visit family for all of this to just blow over. I can call a domestic violence number and talk with them (someone gave me their number in a message and I kind of want to know their input). Get some therapy. (I am an avid therapy go-er. I love my therapist, he is unfortunately back in Colorado but I want to visit family.. so I will make an appointment). Say nothing is an option. Or try and work it out with him in a cool and collected manner where no raised voices are there and calmly discuss our problems.. almost giving him an ultimatum but not so drastically. We have plenty of problems and I really do want to fix them. I think he is worth it even through all the shit he has put me through. It is almost therapy in my mind, talk it out, talk it out, talk it out.
I'm most likely going to just stay, talk it out some more or completely drop it, or have a serious conversation about all of it where i have my bags packed and ready to go if i need to. It really isn't about the lingerie that I found or the folder of porn of his ex-girlfriend anymore. It is more about how he is acting about it and the actions that he is taking. It more about the way he thinks about all of it and the way he doesn't understand where I am coming from.
Actions always speak louder than words and I am willing to wait it out to see if he really "wants to change" or is just not capable of changing that part of himself.
I know this was a long forum post, my apologies. Thank you to everyone that gave me advice and I may pop back in here or make a new forum post as to update everyone. I may send out messages to those who want to be informed.
's to all of you. I hope all that made some sense and answered a lot of questions. xoxo
Thank you all for responding in such a way that really makes sense. You all have different options for me and opinions. I really appreciate that from the community because I did feel that I could post this on the forum and get a response as to what direction I should handle this.
I want to set the record straight and say that I did not totally get up in his face and become this psycho bitch like I said I was going to. I wanted to. I wanted to very badly. I wanted him to explain to me in detail how sorry he was and apologize in great length. I thought about that.. and I knew it wasn't going to end up that way. He woke up later then expected and I really didn't know what to say or do. So, in two different rooms of this house, I texted him. Childish? Probably. I was going to write a letter but this worked fine too.
The three main things from the conversation that I fully comprehended was that :
1. He thinks berating and yelling at me will make me listen to him.
2. I don't know how he feels about abuse or even thinks that he is doing it, but there have been two incidents in the past month where it wasn't crazy awful, but when we "fought" or "argued", he has grabbed my arm pretty hard and for some reason, slapped me in the forehead. The other incident was when I just got here. I playfully slapped him, laughing, in a manner that wasn't dangerous and he would do it too and it was fine until he punched my arm with a lot of force and screamed right in my face "that is not okay". I understand now that that probably wasn't okay, but he did apologize in the words of "I'm sorry I hit you" because he saw the bruise and it lasted for a couple weeks.
3. Comparing my dead father to his ex-girlfriend.
I don't know if that is actually abuse. I know I may sound naive, but I said "Never lay a hand on me every again, Do you understand me?" for a reason. Yes, I am in a D/s relationship but outside of that context, it is not okay in my book. He apologized more then it hurt me and said that he would never do it again. He then told me that he is scared that he may get angry one day and just hit me. I told him that obviously scares me and why am I here? He said that I make him feel calmer, happier then he has ever been, and someone he can see spending the rest of his life with. He has been working on his anger issues for quite some time, way before me, and he said they are getting better. His anger is getting better. And I hope that what he said was true, that he is getting better and trying to change. I can't change him and I shouldn't have to. I do know is that we fight, he yells and I usually listen when I'm not yelling back because he is yelling at me, or just flat out cry. Then somehow.. we make up. And I don't know how this happens, honestly. We make up, and it is fine again. Until the next time he gets angry or I need to talk about something, and this happens. I do think I am in a safe place even though incidents have happened. I'm sure that is naive to a lot of you and I probably sound like an idiot, which is fine. I figure.. if he does seriously hurt me or I see that he is about to, then it is over completely and forever. I will pack my shit and get the fuck out. I don't want to "wait" till that happens, but I know I don't want to go. I want the guy that I met to come back and be that person.. and not this. I believe he is "trying" to be a better person and trying to keep his anger under control.
I do have many options. I can leave. I can dump him and leave. I can go on "vacation" to visit family for all of this to just blow over. I can call a domestic violence number and talk with them (someone gave me their number in a message and I kind of want to know their input). Get some therapy. (I am an avid therapy go-er. I love my therapist, he is unfortunately back in Colorado but I want to visit family.. so I will make an appointment). Say nothing is an option. Or try and work it out with him in a cool and collected manner where no raised voices are there and calmly discuss our problems.. almost giving him an ultimatum but not so drastically. We have plenty of problems and I really do want to fix them. I think he is worth it even through all the shit he has put me through. It is almost therapy in my mind, talk it out, talk it out, talk it out.
I'm most likely going to just stay, talk it out some more or completely drop it, or have a serious conversation about all of it where i have my bags packed and ready to go if i need to. It really isn't about the lingerie that I found or the folder of porn of his ex-girlfriend anymore. It is more about how he is acting about it and the actions that he is taking. It more about the way he thinks about all of it and the way he doesn't understand where I am coming from.
Actions always speak louder than words and I am willing to wait it out to see if he really "wants to change" or is just not capable of changing that part of himself.
I know this was a long forum post, my apologies. Thank you to everyone that gave me advice and I may pop back in here or make a new forum post as to update everyone. I may send out messages to those who want to be informed.
's to all of you. I hope all that made some sense and answered a lot of questions. xoxo
05/10/2012
As long as he actually is "working on it". When people are in transition, they can be hell to live with (ask my parents about my separation). Anger management, therapy sessions (with a professional) for him ... something to help him learn the skills of confrontation without resorting to childish passive-aggression.
I'd suggest couple's counseling, too, so you can both work from the same page in knowing how to deal with each other. Hell, I rec it anyway for anyone planning on getting married.
Don't let it become a White Elephant, though. Avoiding is worse than confronting - it literally can end with someone hurt. If he feels you're worth fighting for, he'll put the effort into it just as much as you do.
PS - Oh, and do visit your family. You both need a breather right now.
I'd suggest couple's counseling, too, so you can both work from the same page in knowing how to deal with each other. Hell, I rec it anyway for anyone planning on getting married.
Don't let it become a White Elephant, though. Avoiding is worse than confronting - it literally can end with someone hurt. If he feels you're worth fighting for, he'll put the effort into it just as much as you do.
PS - Oh, and do visit your family. You both need a breather right now.
05/10/2012
I just hate that this didn't go over well. One of my ex's played the blaming game with me all the time. I remember the day we split for good even though I didn't want to but I just couldn't deny the truth any longer and I was sick of the crap. I found a notebook (this was in high school, first bf dated for almost 3 yrs) in his room before he got home and some girl wrote she loves him all over it inside and had her name with HIS last name! So I went snooping and I found a mug with some folded up numbers of other girls. So I confronted him about it (yes, I went psycho bitch) and he blamed ME for snooping and said they were 'old', well the damn notebook wasn't! He tried to tell me she was just a friend, yeah okay. He said we need to go on a break and I said no, it's all or nothing so it's nothing. Then he had the nerve to ask if we could still have sex! Ass! Of course he was calling 3 days later begging me to go back to him but I already found out all his dirt. BUT he was abusive to me physically as well as emotionally/verbally. But it was always my fault. Or if I wanted to have my friends stay over and go to the mall I was a slut. I was having sex with everyone and their brother according to him if he called and I was outside with my friends, we would walk around the neighborhood or go to another friend's house. But God forbid I have a picture or number of a guy, but it was okay for him to do that shit. That is abuse to me, it's controlling.
He really is being very ignorant about this. I just don't understand it. I know you said you aren't upset about the reason you initially posted about but I still don't see what the damn big deal is about her nasty, dirty shit. She probably doesn't have anything of his that she lugs around.
I just know how horrible I felt when I (thought) was in love with someone and he said such horrible, mean things to me and fought with me all the time. It's like having your heart broken bit by bit. I hate to see nice girls go through that. That prick from my past ruined it for me. I have trust issues with people, not just someone I'm dating. I still haven't gotten my self-esteem back. The other guy I dated for 4yrs never cheated on me but I just expected, like I do with my fiance. I never was able to have a therapist or whatever and dealt with it all on my own. I am a jealous person and I hide it sometimes, others I'm not so well at. I never used to be that way before that ass. I just always feel like I'm not good enough, pretty enough, or something for my fiance. I always think he is going to leave for some skinny girl. I hope you don't let him rip your self-esteem apart like mine was. There are times I look in the mirror and I'm okay with what I see but other times I don't. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical and it sticks with you.
I hope that no matter what you do, you do something that will make you happy. If he doesn't change and things don't get better I hope you have the strength to walk away and let someone else treat you right. But I know all to well things are easier said than done. You said you want the guy you met back, well my ex was great maybe the first year, then he pushed me off the porch....and it went from there, and of course I MADE him do it. You seem like a smart person, just take care of yourself, protect your emotions, know what you're worth. You're worth more than some stupid ex girlfriends baggage.
He really is being very ignorant about this. I just don't understand it. I know you said you aren't upset about the reason you initially posted about but I still don't see what the damn big deal is about her nasty, dirty shit. She probably doesn't have anything of his that she lugs around.
I just know how horrible I felt when I (thought) was in love with someone and he said such horrible, mean things to me and fought with me all the time. It's like having your heart broken bit by bit. I hate to see nice girls go through that. That prick from my past ruined it for me. I have trust issues with people, not just someone I'm dating. I still haven't gotten my self-esteem back. The other guy I dated for 4yrs never cheated on me but I just expected, like I do with my fiance. I never was able to have a therapist or whatever and dealt with it all on my own. I am a jealous person and I hide it sometimes, others I'm not so well at. I never used to be that way before that ass. I just always feel like I'm not good enough, pretty enough, or something for my fiance. I always think he is going to leave for some skinny girl. I hope you don't let him rip your self-esteem apart like mine was. There are times I look in the mirror and I'm okay with what I see but other times I don't. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical and it sticks with you.
I hope that no matter what you do, you do something that will make you happy. If he doesn't change and things don't get better I hope you have the strength to walk away and let someone else treat you right. But I know all to well things are easier said than done. You said you want the guy you met back, well my ex was great maybe the first year, then he pushed me off the porch....and it went from there, and of course I MADE him do it. You seem like a smart person, just take care of yourself, protect your emotions, know what you're worth. You're worth more than some stupid ex girlfriends baggage.
05/10/2012
Quote:
Well he doesn't have any past relationships...
Originally posted by
LusciousLollypop
How would you feel if you found out your longterm partner still kept his ex-lovers pictures and videos (nudity ones) on his computer?
In my case.. my longterm boyfriend "bragged" and showed me his "ex-girlfriend" file on ... more
In my case.. my longterm boyfriend "bragged" and showed me his "ex-girlfriend" file on ... more
How would you feel if you found out your longterm partner still kept his ex-lovers pictures and videos (nudity ones) on his computer?
In my case.. my longterm boyfriend "bragged" and showed me his "ex-girlfriend" file on his computer with numerous videos and pictures that were totally graphic in content.
I was pissed, big surprise. I don't want him fapping over his ex-girlfriend. I want him fapping over me. They broke up over two years ago. TWO YEARS. And he still has pictures and videos of her? I am probably being way protective and territorial but it was pretty much a big slap in the face in my opinion.
Side note : I finally got our room situated so it is livable (he is messy) and folded, cleaned, the works. What should I find in a suitcase? Lingerie of his ex-girlfriend. REAL Photos of his ex-girlfriend. Belongings of hers. I seriously haven't even told him that I found them. It was a huge fight when he showed me the other stuff on his computer.
I know I sound SUPER protective, but this really ticked me off. The question is.. if your longterm relationship partner did this to you or was even hiding it from you, would you be upset and angry or would you be totally okay with it?
Let the voting begin! less
In my case.. my longterm boyfriend "bragged" and showed me his "ex-girlfriend" file on his computer with numerous videos and pictures that were totally graphic in content.
I was pissed, big surprise. I don't want him fapping over his ex-girlfriend. I want him fapping over me. They broke up over two years ago. TWO YEARS. And he still has pictures and videos of her? I am probably being way protective and territorial but it was pretty much a big slap in the face in my opinion.
Side note : I finally got our room situated so it is livable (he is messy) and folded, cleaned, the works. What should I find in a suitcase? Lingerie of his ex-girlfriend. REAL Photos of his ex-girlfriend. Belongings of hers. I seriously haven't even told him that I found them. It was a huge fight when he showed me the other stuff on his computer.
I know I sound SUPER protective, but this really ticked me off. The question is.. if your longterm relationship partner did this to you or was even hiding it from you, would you be upset and angry or would you be totally okay with it?
Let the voting begin! less
But if he did and that happend...
I would be very upset and I would wonder, if he cared about me and only me... why keep them? why would he have them in the first place... shouldn't that have been the FIRST thing to go when we entered into our relationship?
I would cry for weeks... and after that hopefully come to a logical descision about how worth while our relationship really was.
06/30/2012
Quote:
and also, I don't think you sound over-protective. I would be very pissed as well. Especially if he was bragging about it like it was some huge prize. Two years? WOW, I am mad at him and he isn't even my boyfriend!
Originally posted by
LusciousLollypop
How would you feel if you found out your longterm partner still kept his ex-lovers pictures and videos (nudity ones) on his computer?
In my case.. my longterm boyfriend "bragged" and showed me his "ex-girlfriend" file on ... more
In my case.. my longterm boyfriend "bragged" and showed me his "ex-girlfriend" file on ... more
How would you feel if you found out your longterm partner still kept his ex-lovers pictures and videos (nudity ones) on his computer?
In my case.. my longterm boyfriend "bragged" and showed me his "ex-girlfriend" file on his computer with numerous videos and pictures that were totally graphic in content.
I was pissed, big surprise. I don't want him fapping over his ex-girlfriend. I want him fapping over me. They broke up over two years ago. TWO YEARS. And he still has pictures and videos of her? I am probably being way protective and territorial but it was pretty much a big slap in the face in my opinion.
Side note : I finally got our room situated so it is livable (he is messy) and folded, cleaned, the works. What should I find in a suitcase? Lingerie of his ex-girlfriend. REAL Photos of his ex-girlfriend. Belongings of hers. I seriously haven't even told him that I found them. It was a huge fight when he showed me the other stuff on his computer.
I know I sound SUPER protective, but this really ticked me off. The question is.. if your longterm relationship partner did this to you or was even hiding it from you, would you be upset and angry or would you be totally okay with it?
Let the voting begin! less
In my case.. my longterm boyfriend "bragged" and showed me his "ex-girlfriend" file on his computer with numerous videos and pictures that were totally graphic in content.
I was pissed, big surprise. I don't want him fapping over his ex-girlfriend. I want him fapping over me. They broke up over two years ago. TWO YEARS. And he still has pictures and videos of her? I am probably being way protective and territorial but it was pretty much a big slap in the face in my opinion.
Side note : I finally got our room situated so it is livable (he is messy) and folded, cleaned, the works. What should I find in a suitcase? Lingerie of his ex-girlfriend. REAL Photos of his ex-girlfriend. Belongings of hers. I seriously haven't even told him that I found them. It was a huge fight when he showed me the other stuff on his computer.
I know I sound SUPER protective, but this really ticked me off. The question is.. if your longterm relationship partner did this to you or was even hiding it from you, would you be upset and angry or would you be totally okay with it?
Let the voting begin! less
06/30/2012
Quote:
If I found it, yeah I would burn it. Also it isn't his stuff, it is his ex-girlfriends stuff that she found.
Originally posted by
Ansley
That's borderline psychotic - the burning stuff. It's not her stuff, it's his stuff and she has no right to destroy it, no matter how angry she is.
She does however owe herself the space to think that she just might have some cause ... more
She does however owe herself the space to think that she just might have some cause ... more
That's borderline psychotic - the burning stuff. It's not her stuff, it's his stuff and she has no right to destroy it, no matter how angry she is.
She does however owe herself the space to think that she just might have some cause to worry here. If he's still holding onto this stuff, he still has feelings for her and that's no bueno for any budding relationship. less
She does however owe herself the space to think that she just might have some cause to worry here. If he's still holding onto this stuff, he still has feelings for her and that's no bueno for any budding relationship. less
06/30/2012
Quote:
He could make you a folder. WOW, thanks hun, I can be ANOTHER FOLDER. I am mad at him yet again. Sure, MAYBE when the old folder goes, but an addition? So what, he wants a reward for having an ex girlfriend stash?
Originally posted by
LusciousLollypop
@Stormy,
You are right. I do need to look at the situation.
He doesn't ever hide his phone from me. I ask for it, he gives it. He asks for my phone, I give it. He texts his friends but they aren't anyone that I am threatened by. ... more
You are right. I do need to look at the situation.
He doesn't ever hide his phone from me. I ask for it, he gives it. He asks for my phone, I give it. He texts his friends but they aren't anyone that I am threatened by. ... more
@Stormy,
You are right. I do need to look at the situation.
He doesn't ever hide his phone from me. I ask for it, he gives it. He asks for my phone, I give it. He texts his friends but they aren't anyone that I am threatened by. He doesn't reject calls and look to return the phone calls.
He met this girl online. She is from Canada. He visited her like.. twice. She visited him a lot more. I'm not ever allowed on his computer unless he is present. I don't snoop because I really don't want to see what I will find that will upset me. I mean.. I want to know. And he is on his computer, typing away to people. I don't know if it is her or not, but he did show me that file/folder of her.
He said if I was so upset about her "folder" on his computer, we could make me a folder. I don't know if I should be offended or what. We have dabbled in video taping some acts of stuff in the bedroom but I haven't ever let him put them on HIS computer. I don't want to be just another.. "folder". Did that make sense? less
You are right. I do need to look at the situation.
He doesn't ever hide his phone from me. I ask for it, he gives it. He asks for my phone, I give it. He texts his friends but they aren't anyone that I am threatened by. He doesn't reject calls and look to return the phone calls.
He met this girl online. She is from Canada. He visited her like.. twice. She visited him a lot more. I'm not ever allowed on his computer unless he is present. I don't snoop because I really don't want to see what I will find that will upset me. I mean.. I want to know. And he is on his computer, typing away to people. I don't know if it is her or not, but he did show me that file/folder of her.
He said if I was so upset about her "folder" on his computer, we could make me a folder. I don't know if I should be offended or what. We have dabbled in video taping some acts of stuff in the bedroom but I haven't ever let him put them on HIS computer. I don't want to be just another.. "folder". Did that make sense? less
06/30/2012