Update :

I finally talked to him when he got home about everything. We were laying in bed and I said I needed to talk with him about something that needed to be discussed. I was very calm and collected. I didn't raise my voice. I didn't curse. I calmly told him that I was cleaning the room to make it our own and in his closet, I found things from his ex-girlfriend that he still had.

I said that we were going to discuss this like adults and not get angry (he gets angry easily..). I used a very calm and collected voice the entire time. I asked him why he still had the belongings of his ex-girlfriend after two years and moving four times.

He called me a bitch, jealous, and very insecure. He said that I always do this and always nit pick at everything to destroy our relationship. He said we already discussed this and he thought that we already got over it. (I had found her gloves sitting on a desk table in his room and he said that he forgot they were there and doesn't get rid of things).

I asked again why he decided to keep her belongings if it was over between them in a very calm voice. He started to yell and compared my dead father's belongings to hers. He said that it was someone he cared about and why should he throw out anything. I cannot believe that he even put his ex-girlfriend in my dead father's comparison. I was very, very hurt. I didn't cry. I didn't want him to see me cry.

He again decided to keep yelling and saying that I treat him like a child and I am trying to sabotage our relationship with how jealous and insecure I get. He kept on repeating that he doesn't throw anything out because he doesn't seem to see the reason to.

I asked him if I were to have pictures/videos/belong ings of my ex-boyfriends and kept them around for years, how would he feel? He said that he wouldn't care because he doesn't get jealous or childish like I do.

He got angrier and angrier. He again said that if it mattered to me that much, I should throw out my dead father's belongings. He said that he feels like I don't trust him and he is disappointed in me, as he was yelling and cursing. He finally said that I am the cause of all our fights and always want to fight about something. I had to leave the room and take a walk to find my own zen.

I guess it didn't go as well as I would have hoped. I kept my cool and didn't raise my voice. I stayed calm the whole time but it just seemed like everything he was saying to me.. he was trying to hurt me. He was trying to make me cry and make me feel bad. He doesn't feel the need or understand where I am coming from and doesn't want to get rid of anything because "it isn't a big deal" and apparently I am making it a big deal.

Yeah.

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Hugs, honey.

I can see where he's coming from (because, like I said, before this morning I would have been totally blindsided by a partner thinking that having pictures was hurtful)---but that's no excuse to elevate things, to get angry, or to use hurtful argument tactics against you instead of listening.

I hope your walk went well. less

Update :

I finally talked to him when he got home about everything. We were laying in bed and I said I needed to talk with him about something that needed to be discussed. I was very calm and collected. I didn't raise my voice. I didn't curse. I calmly told him that I was cleaning the room to make it our own and in his closet, I found things from his ex-girlfriend that he still had.

I said that we were going to discuss this like adults and not get angry (he gets angry easily..). I used a very calm and collected voice the entire time. I asked him why he still had the belongings of his ex-girlfriend after two years and moving four times.

He called me a bitch, jealous, and very insecure. He said that I always do this and always nit pick at everything to destroy our relationship. He said we already discussed this and he thought that we already got over it. (I had found her gloves sitting on a desk table in his room and he said that he forgot they were there and doesn't get rid of things).

I asked again why he decided to keep her belongings if it was over between them in a very calm voice. He started to yell and compared my dead father's belongings to hers. He said that it was someone he cared about and why should he throw out anything. I cannot believe that he even put his ex-girlfriend in my dead father's comparison. I was very, very hurt. I didn't cry. I didn't want him to see me cry.

He again decided to keep yelling and saying that I treat him like a child and I am trying to sabotage our relationship with how jealous and insecure I get. He kept on repeating that he doesn't throw anything out because he doesn't seem to see the reason to.

I asked him if I were to have pictures/videos/belong ings of my ex-boyfriends and kept them around for years, how would he feel? He said that he wouldn't care because he doesn't get jealous or childish like I do.

He got angrier and angrier. He again said that if it mattered to me that much, I should throw out my dead father's belongings. He said that he feels like I don't trust him and he is disappointed in me, as he was yelling and cursing. He finally said that I am the cause of all our fights and always want to fight about something. I had to leave the room and take a walk to find my own zen.

I guess it didn't go as well as I would have hoped. I kept my cool and didn't raise my voice. I stayed calm the whole time but it just seemed like everything he was saying to me.. he was trying to hurt me. He was trying to make me cry and make me feel bad. He doesn't feel the need or understand where I am coming from and doesn't want to get rid of anything because "it isn't a big deal" and apparently I am making it a big deal.

Yeah.

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How would you feel if you found out your longterm partner still kept his ex-lovers pictures and videos (nudity ones) on his computer?

In my case.. my longterm boyfriend "bragged" and showed me his "ex-girlfriend" file on his computer with numerous videos and pictures that were totally graphic in content.

I was pissed, big surprise. I don't want him fapping over his ex-girlfriend. I want him fapping over me. They broke up over two years ago. TWO YEARS. And he still has pictures and videos of her? I am probably being way protective and territorial but it was pretty much a big slap in the face in my opinion.

Side note : I finally got our room situated so it is livable (he is messy) and folded, cleaned, the works. What should I find in a suitcase? Lingerie of his ex-girlfriend. REAL Photos of his ex-girlfriend. Belongings of hers. I seriously haven't even told him that I found them. It was a huge fight when he showed me the other stuff on his computer.

I know I sound SUPER protective, but this really ticked me off. The question is.. if your longterm relationship partner did this to you or was even hiding it from you, would you be upset and angry or would you be totally okay with it?

Let the voting begin! less

Yikes LL! I'm so sorry!! His reaction sucks! It's definitely not "your fault" for being hurt by HIS actions (keeping her things) and wanting to talk to him about how it bothers you! Your reaction is perfectly normal and reasonable! You handled it with dignity and class. He's being defensive and unfair to you! I hope he can step back and realize that and make amends!! I think you're definitely doing the right thing by taking some time to cool off and allowing him time to think about what an amazing girl he has and how his idiotic behavior is jeopardizing the relationship! Keep us posted! Huge hugs!! less

Oh, wow. That is just ridiculous! Caring about someone means you keep their nude photos, videos, and their lingerie!? I can't believe he would make the comparison to your father. That is the lowest of the low.

Your reaction is NOT jealousy, immaturity, or insecurity. It is a legitimate response, and being "mature" does not mean having to be okay with something like that. You -were- being mature about it. Sorry, but he is the childish one.

I really hope for the best, whatever the outcome be. As hard as it is, it's always best to separate for a while instead of continuing to push buttons. I'm glad you're taking time to cool off. less

Wow, that really is a shame. I'm shocked that he would compare your things from your FATHER to her? That is your father, that is disrespectful of him. That was your FAMILY, your blood, HALF of you! Oh I really would slap him if I lived close enough to you, lol, seriously right across the face! It isn't right for him to blame it on you and not take responsibility for it. I mean it is over, she is gone, moved away. He is with you now, it's not asking too much for him to get rid of the crap! She shouldn't matter anymore. It would be like a knife in my gut to see pictures of my fiance having sex with an ex, I don't want to see that and he doesn't need to keep it around.
Questioning him isn't childish either, you have a right to and it doesn't make you a bitch either.

I don't know, some of us have different expectations of what is okay and not in our relationships. Where some of us aren't okay with it, others are. But when it comes to loving and caring for someone, wanting to make a future with them then getting rid of some dang dirty videos and pictures of an ex should be something they will do without ranting and raving. He doesn't really even need to talk about her or bring her up, especially if talking about something she did well or whatever, like making you feel inferior or like you have to compete with someone long gone.

I wish I had advice on what to do next but I'm horrible at that part. If something doesn't work the first time like that I would probably be sitting here crying my eyes out calling my mom or my grandma (lol, lame I know) but I just feel like I can really let it all out to them as opposed to any of my friends. But I'd probably be texting my best friend too. I find it hard to control myself in situations like that were someone throws constant insults at me, I would have flew off the handle after the first few times and asking him not to say it again and he did. My fiance called me a bitch once and I told not to ever call me that again. I know I can be a bitch but that is hurtful coming from him and I feel disrespected as opposed to some random person calling me a bitch. He hasn't said it again. He has said I'm acting like one, but never said "Jessica, you're a bitch." Call me an asshole if he wants, but bitch, NO.

Hopefully someone else will have some good input. The only thing I can think of is to bring it up again, or think about how much it bothers you and if you can accept it if you want to stay with him.

Have you said anything along the lines of considering leaving if he doesn't get rid of the stuff? I don't know if that is something you should do, I'd wait and see what others say. I don't want to give an idea that may make things worse.

I was really hoping to see something good come out of it for you. less

I'll just say that if he was keeping this from you, he was keeping it from you for a reason. He probably knew you'd have a problem with it and chose to hide it to not hurt your feelings. From my experience, I had no problem getting rid of things from my ex-girlfriends (this isn't to say that he should be like me, because everyone is different). But there is no reason I should have anything from an ex-girlfriend anyways. less

@BlooJay,

I'm glad that one guy in the world knows what is up. He wasn't even keeping everything from me. I found the lingerie by myself but he showed me the nude pictures/videos of his ex-girlfriend in a folder on his computer. It was a large folder. I got pissed then and asked why he even still had that. It was porn. I don't mind porn. Porn is fine. It isn't fine when you know the person and still keep it around after two years. Wish he was more like you and just would throw the shit out. less

Oh, LL, I'm so sorry. This sounds like a really hideous situation.

And I know you're not asking for my advice, but may I tell you a story? I was once in a relationship very similar to yours. He kept keepsakes from his one meaningful ex girlfriend and I stumbled upon them one day. We had a pretty extensive history of pretty loud arguments - he had a nasty temper.

When I brought up the stuff I had found, the arguments just got worse and worse, but I stayed with him. It lead to him eventually beating me on a fairly regular basis. Your situation sounds volatile, but I don't know every detail. Please, please, consider seeing a counsellor about your relationship, because it could potentially escalate to physical violence. Your safety is most important. less