The New Intimacy

How would you feel if you found out your longterm partner still kept his ex-lovers pictures and videos (nudity ones) on his computer?

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Contributor: BG529 BG529
Quote:
Originally posted by LusciousLollypop
@SweetBekki89,

Good idea. I don't keep stuff from my past relationships. I don't have pictures or videos or clothes of theirs. I left all that behind me when I broke it off or was dumped in the past. I can understand mementos too but ... more
Well, I'm a big card person I love to get cards. and I'm a photographer. so I've kept stuff like that... but clothes? and nude photos now way... I burned all that. when we broke up. lol
05/08/2012
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
It might be borderline psychotic.. but it sure as heck would get the point across.
Yeah...that she's jealous and psycho. Not the point she's going for, I think.
05/08/2012
Contributor: Various Various
Pictures on the computer would piss me off, because they are easily deleted, but if I found like photos on paper somewhere, I wouldn't be as mad, because knowing my husband he didn't even know they were there anymore.
05/08/2012
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
The most obvious thing just occurred to me while I was working out:

What sort of idiot would show off porn of an ex-girlfriend to the current girlfriend??
05/08/2012
Contributor: Melan!e Melan!e
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
Gah, now I'M pissed at your boyfriend. lol.
First, if my love showed me naked pics of his ex, I would have busted a nut! I would never send him nudes of myself stating "if you will show me naked pics of the last girl, you're gonna ... more
I'm so with you on this Badass!!

If my boyfriend did this to me I would totally burn it all when he wasn't around. I'd have to do it in the bathtub since I don't have a backyard, but burn baby burn! He'd look pretty stupid getting mad about it later. When you're with me, you're with me. You know?

You don't deserve that LusciousLollypop. If you don't do something about the stuff you found it will keep eating away at you. Either get rid of it and wait it out or you're going to have to have a serious talk with him. If he's not going to let go of his ex, then he doesn't deserve to be with a great girl like you!

I don't think you're being protective or territorial at all. He broke your trust. And there's no need for him to be keeping those things anyway.
05/08/2012
Contributor: Kitka Kitka
I would probably be very pissed off, angry, sad and upset about finding all that stuff and talk to him about it.
05/08/2012
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
The most obvious thing just occurred to me while I was working out:

What sort of idiot would show off porn of an ex-girlfriend to the current girlfriend??
One who doesn't want to be with that person anymore.
05/08/2012
Contributor: BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
I'd be really upset. Yeah, I think it's creepy and weird, but I think most of the anger and frustration would come from the deception.
05/08/2012
Contributor: Antipova Antipova
Ah, this wouldn't bother me at all---I kind of expect it, even? I mean, I have pictures of many of my former lovers.

The keeping her lingerie in a suitcase... that would kind of weird me out a little. I'd bring it up in a "hey, did you know you had women's lingerie in my closet that isn't mine? Is it okay if I toss that out?" kind of way.
05/08/2012
Contributor: Badass Badass
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Yeah...that she's jealous and psycho. Not the point she's going for, I think.
Come on Stormy, while it's not the "best idea", when you're even somewhat a jealous person and angry about that your lover hanging on to his ex, it's gotta feel nice to laugh about on an online forum, burning it.

We're humans. We are naturally a bit psycho. Eden sells a friday the 13th porno... come. on.
05/08/2012
Contributor: Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
Ah, this wouldn't bother me at all---I kind of expect it, even? I mean, I have pictures of many of my former lovers.

The keeping her lingerie in a suitcase... that would kind of weird me out a little. I'd bring it up in a "hey, ... more
Reading through the rest of this thread, I see how it's different. I certainly never brag and say "Hey check out my exes!" ... and I actually have continuing "hasn't let go" feelings. To me having a memento from a closed chapter in the past is harmless.

but having ties to a chapter in the past that he's still hung up in or wishing he was living, that's not so much good for being in a relationship in the here and now.
05/08/2012
Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Quote:
Originally posted by xOhxSoxScandalousx
Wow..this is fucking crazy. Lol. Honestly, if I were in your shoes I would be seeing RED! How dare he keep all her nudey photos/videos on his computer and on top of that her dirty lingerie?! What the hell does he still need that for? How creepy. You ... more
@RickyNStephy,

SO true. If I had that type of shit on my computer or wore/had my ex-boyfriends clothes, he would be more then furious. And I definitely don't want to make a "folder" for him because what if it doesn't work out. I really want it to. *hugs*
05/08/2012
Contributor: Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
Reading through the rest of this thread, I see how it's different. I certainly never brag and say "Hey check out my exes!" ... and I actually have continuing "hasn't let go" feelings. To me having a memento from a closed ... more
ipe! Don't have continuing 'hasn't let go' feelings.
05/08/2012
Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Um, honestly hon at this point, you've got two choices.

You either suck it up and deal with it inside of yourself (clearly this isn't going to happen)

or

You tell him that you think he is still in love with her and that ... more
@Stormy,

I can't suck this shit up.
The second choice is the choice I have to make. I need to call him out on it but civilly. I don't want it to be a huge fight. I mean.. I'm sure when he calls me "pissy" or "jealous" i'm going to flip a bitch and totally rip him a new asshole because I am going to be mad. I want to know what the hell is he holding onto. Is she some perfect girl? Is she someone that trumps me? If she is, he can move to Canada.
05/08/2012
Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
*tight hugs* The uncertainly is always awful. It's really up to him if he can let go and devote himself fully to you, or if he's going to allow that wall to stay there. It's not fair to you to have to compete with her all the time. Hell, ... more
@ChilliPepper,

Thanks for the hug. I needed to bitch so I totally made a forum post about it. Not being certain sucks. "He's likely idealized her beyond human flesh" That really makes me think. A lot.
05/08/2012
Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
It might be borderline psychotic.. but it sure as heck would get the point across.
It is kinda psychotic but I have been known to burn pictures of my ex-boyfriends. With my best friend. While we were blasting the song "Fighter" By Christina Agularia and singing it at the top of our lungs.. LOL I'm not crazy at all.. I won't burn his possessions. I just want him to get rid of them.
05/08/2012
Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Quote:
Originally posted by Various
Pictures on the computer would piss me off, because they are easily deleted, but if I found like photos on paper somewhere, I wouldn't be as mad, because knowing my husband he didn't even know they were there anymore.
@Various,

I want to believe that he didn't know that her stuff was in a suitcase. And just forgot about it. I wish.
05/08/2012
Contributor: Loriandhubby Loriandhubby
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
That's borderline psychotic - the burning stuff. It's not her stuff, it's his stuff and she has no right to destroy it, no matter how angry she is.

She does however owe herself the space to think that she just might have some cause ... more
exactly right, so glad you brought this up. We have no right to harm anything that belongs to someone eles.
05/08/2012
Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
The most obvious thing just occurred to me while I was working out:

What sort of idiot would show off porn of an ex-girlfriend to the current girlfriend??
@ChilliPepper,

LOL
"What sort of idiot would show off porn of an ex-girlfriend to the current girlfriend?"

I know, right? I did ask if he had anything to hide on his computer and he pulled up that folder and literally said "Look through them"

That was way dumb on his part.
05/08/2012
Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Quote:
Originally posted by Melan!e
I'm so with you on this Badass!!

If my boyfriend did this to me I would totally burn it all when he wasn't around. I'd have to do it in the bathtub since I don't have a backyard, but burn baby burn! He'd look pretty stupid ... more
@Melan!e,

Exactly. If he is with me, he is with me. No one else. I'm going to do something about it. I'm going to dump all her shit on the bed and everything I found in his closet all out in the open and walk away. I'm going to wait till he asks why that stuff is there and totally explode if he doesn't come into this conversation without calling me "pissy" and "jealous"
05/08/2012
Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
One who doesn't want to be with that person anymore.
@Stormy,

I so don't want to think about that but if it comes to that.. who knows, you know? That was a serious bitch move on his part.
05/08/2012
Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
Come on Stormy, while it's not the "best idea", when you're even somewhat a jealous person and angry about that your lover hanging on to his ex, it's gotta feel nice to laugh about on an online forum, burning ... more
@Badass,

LOL I do like talking about this on a forum. It makes me feel like I'm not crazy and I do have a right to be pissed off.
05/08/2012
Contributor: Loriandhubby Loriandhubby
Honey, I love you, I"m on skype we can talk there. HUGS HUGS HUGS...

Keep your chin up.
05/08/2012
Contributor: Melan!e Melan!e
Having read through all of this, I can sort of relate to what you're going through LusciousLollipop...

I'm kind of on the flip side of it though. I broke up with my first love 5 years ago and since then I've been without someone else and so has he (until recently). We both moved on, hard as that was.

I hung on to him for a while and made that clear to my current partner. But I wanted to be honest with him and I feel like talking with him helped me move on fully and really be with him. I still keep little momentoes.. old letters and cards and such. But that's it and I'm considering tossing them altogether now anyway.

My ex tried to come back to me 3 years ago. I turned him away. He ended up getting back together with his girlfriend and they had a baby. Not long ago, my ex contacted me and wanted to get back together again. He dumped his ex and told me he'd wait for me.

I felt bad for his well ex now. She didn't deserve to have her man sneaking around trying to get back together with his ex all the time. He told me that she hated hearing about me and she made him throw out his old letters and things from me. Though he never had any judy pics or things like that of me.

My ex has told me that he still loves me, blah, blah... Even though I have no interest in being with him, he's made it that much harder for me to trust him because of the way he's treating the mother of his child.

I hope this helps and I truly hope that you and your guy can sort through this. It has to be dealt with though. He's going to either have to let go of his ex or you. I feel for you hun.. I hope it works out for the best. Sending my love to you!
05/08/2012
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
Come on Stormy, while it's not the "best idea", when you're even somewhat a jealous person and angry about that your lover hanging on to his ex, it's gotta feel nice to laugh about on an online forum, burning ... more
Of course we all have moments of wanting revenge and that kind of thing. There are several people on this planet that if I learned they'd fallen down a well and starved to death, I would laugh and say, "oh yeah, just what they deserved!"

It's doing it and not doing it that makes the difference. And I didn't catch any sort of sarcasm or playfulness to your comment. So, my bad.
05/08/2012
Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
Reading through the rest of this thread, I see how it's different. I certainly never brag and say "Hey check out my exes!" ... and I actually have continuing "hasn't let go" feelings. To me having a memento from a closed ... more
@Antipova,

Mementos are completely fine. Not some huge stash of stuff. If he had clothed pictures of her in a folder, sure. He has nude pictures and videos of them getting it on on his computer. And pictures of her in actual print that aren't very appealing. It was a chapter in his life. I see that it made him happy. That is totally fine. I was happy in my past relationships but they are the past. This is the future.
05/08/2012
Contributor: Melan!e Melan!e
Oops I meant I've been with someone else. Too late to edit.
05/08/2012
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by LusciousLollypop
@Melan!e,

Exactly. If he is with me, he is with me. No one else. I'm going to do something about it. I'm going to dump all her shit on the bed and everything I found in his closet all out in the open and walk away. I'm going to ... more
Use "I" statements.

'When *I* see her stuff, I feel like there's still something there and it really makes me doubt my own worth not only in this relationship but in your life in general. I hope you aren't intentionally trying to do this. If you are, we need to really talk about it. I'll be happy to address any issues you had about your relationship with her and if you think any of those problems from the past could interfere with our relationship we need to talk about it. I trust you, but this is all very unsual for me and I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around it. I don't want to fight with you about it, but I need to get this resolved for my own peace of mind and self-worth. I have had similar issues in past relationships and this is a huge red flag for me. Do you trust me enough to open up to me about it?"

Whatever his answer is, take a deep breath before you respond. Don't clench your fists or wrap your arms around your chest and try to remain as calm and as open-minded as you can. If he insists on continuing to call you pissy about something this important to you, the relationship clearly does not mean anything to him, or at least not enough to do anything to fix it and you should remove him from your life ASAP.
05/08/2012
Contributor: Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by LusciousLollypop
@Antipova,

Mementos are completely fine. Not some huge stash of stuff. If he had clothed pictures of her in a folder, sure. He has nude pictures and videos of them getting it on on his computer. And pictures of her in actual print that ... more
I have nude pictures of me and former lovers getting it on on my external hard drive ... I don't ever plug it in and watch, but to me that still falls under 'memento' and not 'huge stash of stuff'---I guess because the relationships are over and, I don't know, that's just not where my head/heart is anymore.

Now you've got me wondering/worried if I should have disclosed that to other (newer) partners... I just kind of assumed that everybody had naked pictures of their exes.

... I hope I haven't hurt anybody's feelings!
05/08/2012
Contributor: Loriandhubby Loriandhubby
These things are very hard to deal with, emotions run high and hot. But we have to step back from the emotional rush and look at things clearly. You cannot take revenge. First and foremost, these belongings are his not yours to do with as you would like.

Is it crazy to keep them? I think so, but that is my opinion.

you my love in the middle of it and you and only you know if the relationship is worth working to make it a healthier one, or if it is time to go home. Today is TUESDAY!!! You can make that choice.

Also, (this is mostly to the other posts) No one knows what will happen if you harm belongings or call out the situation. This maybe a time bomb waiting to happen. IDK, but honestly the advice to go with your first instinct to destroy things or call it out; well that can get people hurt. Really hurt.

Just my two cents...
05/08/2012