The New Intimacy

Naked Reader Book Club Discussion: Opening Up and Three-Way Erotic Stories (December 28, 7-11 EST)

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Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Kristina Wright
Do you think a long-distance relationship is more conducive to an open relationship? Less jealousy or risk of confusing friends and family? (I know several people who are in open, long-distance relationships.)
Not really, any relationship is going to be rather obvious to family. The jealousy issue isn't related to proximity. Sigel had horrible jealousy even though Arch lives in Canada and we are in Missouri!
Jealousy doesn't follow logic!
12/28/2010
Contributor: LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
Quote:
Originally posted by Kristina Wright
Do you think a long-distance relationship is more conducive to an open relationship? Less jealousy or risk of confusing friends and family? (I know several people who are in open, long-distance relationships.)
It seemed logical, because we were long distance, to be open. I think it can cause some trouble, if you let jealousy fester and let your imagination get the better of you (which, I have to admit, did happen sometimes, with us).

I can't even imagine being monogamous and long-distance. For me, it's easier to trust that someone will be honest with me about going out with other people than trust that they are forsaking all others, in spite of hardly ever getting to be with me. I suppose I've seen far too many long distance, online relationships fester with infidelity to believe it would work.

My philosophy is that I want the person I love to be happy and fulfilled and I too, want happiness and fulfillment and intimacy with other people that just cannot be achieved with a long-distance relationship.

So, for LDR, I wouldn't do it any other way but open.
12/28/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by LicentiouslyYours
Oh and ... plug for Kristina... her Community Interview launched today. Already she's got over 30 questions, but don't forget to get over there and ask her something!
Holy cow I just saw the announcement and we've already given her writers cramp??? SWEET!
12/28/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Kristina Wright
Oh, yay! Why did you love it?
I loved it because she didn't just tow the party line, she actually did some homework and talked to people in these situations. She asked successful poly/swinging/open partnerships responsible questions and logical ones.
That's so rare. Usually the questions are all about how the sex works and how could you do this to your partner...couldn't you just say no? ect.
12/28/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by LicentiouslyYours
It seemed logical, because we were long distance, to be open. I think it can cause some trouble, if you let jealousy fester and let your imagination get the better of you (which, I have to admit, did happen sometimes, with us).

I can't ... more
LOL my LDR is the one that is actually monogamous. He knows he's free to look around so to speak but really doesn't want to. Since opening our marriage my husband is also being so much more responsible and just a better partner. I dunno I wouldn't want to go back to monogamy. I flat out LOVE being between two men!
12/28/2010
Contributor: LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
Quote:
Originally posted by staceejaxxx
Meant WOULD not WOULDN'T.
The one thing that struck me when I first started reading it was that there really are no set rules or parameters for what an open relationship has to be. Once you let go of the constraint that both people will exclusively intimate with each other... you can design it to be whatever you like.

Examples that come to mind, that I'd never thought about, were one person poly, the other person monogamous; two people committed to each other but who choose to have sex exclusively with other people. The possibilities and combinations are truly unlimited, which is what really made me embrace the idea. I'd actually considered giving up on it after my 8 year LDR ended, but I am now of the mind that each relationship I come to, with each person, will be uniquely suited to a particular design and I should be open to whatever that might be.
12/28/2010
Contributor: Kristina Wright Kristina Wright
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Not really, any relationship is going to be rather obvious to family. The jealousy issue isn't related to proximity. Sigel had horrible jealousy even though Arch lives in Canada and we are in Missouri!
Jealousy doesn't follow logic!
Oh, interesting! Thanks for sharing!

Were there any aspects of an open relationship that you wished had been addressed more in depth or were different from your own experience?
12/28/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by LicentiouslyYours
The one thing that struck me when I first started reading it was that there really are no set rules or parameters for what an open relationship has to be. Once you let go of the constraint that both people will exclusively intimate with each other... ... more
There ya go! In our relationship my husband and I are open, I am poly, he is more of a swinger. Our life partner is monogamous with me though he is also bonded to Sigel and we are all co-parenting our three children. Right now it works, it's rough at times but it works. We are open to change though we are not open to walking away.
12/28/2010
Contributor: staceejaxxx staceejaxxx
I am seeing another side to an open relationship just by listening to you guys.

My biggest issue is I am jealous.
12/28/2010
Contributor: LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
LOL my LDR is the one that is actually monogamous. He knows he's free to look around so to speak but really doesn't want to. Since opening our marriage my husband is also being so much more responsible and just a better partner. I dunno I ... more


I sometimes envy your two relationships, but I also know it's not all about happy-shiny-more-sex-f or-Airen-than-she-coul d-ever-want. I do admire that you manage so well, even with the realities and the challenges you deal with.
12/28/2010
Contributor: LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
Quote:
Originally posted by staceejaxxx
I am seeing another side to an open relationship just by listening to you guys.

My biggest issue is I am jealous.
Aha... that is one of the biggest myths of open relationships. I have not yet met anybody who didn't run into issues with jealousy at one point or another in their open relationships.

You realize the source of jealousy is feelings of insecurity and then you try to figure out why you are feeling insecure and you work on it. I say this like it's all easy and simple, but it's not. I've had major jealousy issues and it's not always easy to see past the green haze to what's really going on... but it's one of those skills that, if you can develop it, it makes you better at relationships.. open or not.
12/28/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Kristina Wright
Oh, interesting! Thanks for sharing!

Were there any aspects of an open relationship that you wished had been addressed more in depth or were different from your own experience?
I felt like Tristan had explored each of the permutations as fully as she could. It made me feel better to see all the different types of relationships and hear their stories. It can be very lonely when you are different.
I felt like she was saying to me, "It's ok to look for happiness and to grab it where ever it pops up."
I love my husband and he loves me but we are so different as people that we are miserable when we are busy trying to grab what we need. I need clan and he needs physical experience. This has made us more calm and forced us to work on our lives together. I felt like this book in some ways validated that struggle without trite platitudes.
For instance: Everyone says communication is key...Ms Taormino explained WHY it is so necessary and how to go about achieving truly intimate communication. Her lists and self examinations are AMAZING!
They were the sorts of questions I had answered over the years naturally...and this was so much easier.
I really didn't find anything lacking in the book though I know there is reams of information for books about this topic.
12/28/2010
Contributor: clp clp
Hi, guys! Happy to join the conversation. Catching up... be with you in a sec...
12/28/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by staceejaxxx
I am seeing another side to an open relationship just by listening to you guys.

My biggest issue is I am jealous.
Mine too! Gawd I am such a jealous harpy! It's perfectly natural but it can be so freeing to own your jealousy and deal with it in a mature fashion. I know my jealousy is brought on by a deep fear of abandonment and a sense of not getting 'my fair share'. Owning my jealousy allows me to look at my partners and assure them that I love them and want them to be happy but I am feeling threatened or downright pissed.
When my lovers come home shining and with that naughty sparkle in their eyes it's such a RUSH!
12/28/2010
Contributor: staceejaxxx staceejaxxx
I do believe if my jealously wasn't so bad that our relationship would be so much better. I know I'm insecure. I just don't know what to do to fix it.... for good.
12/28/2010
Contributor: staceejaxxx staceejaxxx
Quote:
Originally posted by clp
Hi, guys! Happy to join the conversation. Catching up... be with you in a sec...
Hey!
12/28/2010
Contributor: LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I felt like Tristan had explored each of the permutations as fully as she could. It made me feel better to see all the different types of relationships and hear their stories. It can be very lonely when you are different.
I felt like she was ... more
Have you read the Ethical Slut? That's another book I've started and not yet finished. ( I tend to read far too many books at once, reading a few chapters of this, then that one and taking forever to get through them all)

It would be interesting to compare these too books. Perhaps if I ever get through them both entirely, I will write about how they differ and how they are the same.
12/28/2010
Contributor: LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
Quote:
Originally posted by clp
Hi, guys! Happy to join the conversation. Catching up... be with you in a sec...
Hey there CLP
12/28/2010
Contributor: staceejaxxx staceejaxxx
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Mine too! Gawd I am such a jealous harpy! It's perfectly natural but it can be so freeing to own your jealousy and deal with it in a mature fashion. I know my jealousy is brought on by a deep fear of abandonment and a sense of not getting 'my ... more
I wish I could deal with my jealously in a mature fashion. I sometimes feel I am in junior high with the way I deal with it. It's so sad. I think I am just too scared to own it.
12/28/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by LicentiouslyYours


I sometimes envy your two relationships, but I also know it's not all about happy-shiny-more-sex-f or-Airen-than-she-coul d-ever-want. I do admire that you manage so well, even with the realities and the challenges you deal with.
Heh I have had people tell me for years that my relationship with Sigel is 'charmed'. I tell them that sure it is 'charmed' complete with innocence eating demons...(eye rolling)
I tell them the secret: Meet a guy young, raise him up while fighting off your over bearing parents, watch him cheat on you, forgive him, cheat emotionally on him to get even, fall in love with another guy, work on building one shattered relationship WHILE building a completely new one, nurture all the diferent relationships while raising three kids, enjoy the sex that happens....really enjoy it!
If that sounds like fun join my world! It's not about 'growing up or even old together' it's about sticking through the tugh times with a partner or partners who are willing to do the hard work WITH you. If you manage to find that then you know you are 'charmed'.
12/28/2010
Contributor: clp clp
Very interesting so far. I, too, am in a monogomous LDR but it is still quite new (1 1/2 years now). We have discussed the idea of an open relationship in the future, when we are together. He is still a bit skittish even in discussion, so I'm kinda thinking we may not get there. I don't have a problem with that, since I am happy and am putting this relationship first--of course, we both know if feelings change, we can talk about it.

We are all at different stages in our relationships, coming from different ideas and sometimes walking in or out of sync. What works for one couple may not for another... that is what I hope people keep in mind when they discuss open relationships (regardless of what side of the fence you are on!).
12/28/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by staceejaxxx
I do believe if my jealously wasn't so bad that our relationship would be so much better. I know I'm insecure. I just don't know what to do to fix it.... for good.
That I can help you with, but in the end it's gonna take some hard work and soul searching on your part.
The way to combat jealousy is to find out what is feeding it. Are you afraid you are unloveable or you don't deserve love? Do you believe that love is a finite commodity and can be taken away at will? Do you believe you are so unattractive that your partner is stupid for being with you?
Then you have to decide what the worst thing that could happen is. Is the worst thing finding out he (or she) cheated? Doesn't 'really' love you? Is attracted to other people?
If any of these things happen will you automatically be struck dead? Obviously the answer is no...so why, if it's not an issue that has deadly consequences, should it be allowed to consume your life? If it happens deal with it THEN...but work on building strength and openness into your relationship NOW. Talk to your partner about EVERYTHING! Tell him/her about your insecurities without expecting him/her to make you feel better, that's your job.
Remember that when you say "I am afraid you'll find someone else you love more than me." Wht you are also saying is "I don't know why you are here with me, and I know one day you'll figure out what a fool you are and leave." That's a pretty horrible thing to believe about your partner! Your partner isn't a fool, so trust what they say and what they see. Otherwise you'll wake up one morning to a self fullfilling prophecy, like I did.
12/28/2010
Contributor: LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Heh I have had people tell me for years that my relationship with Sigel is 'charmed'. I tell them that sure it is 'charmed' complete with innocence eating demons...(eye rolling)
I tell them the secret: Meet a guy young, raise him ... more
Yes... what you said.. all that stuff. I agree. (I am tired) lol

People who get into an open relationship thinking it's going to be so much more fun... oh they have no idea what they are in for. It's more work, no way around it. It's more fun too, but there's a lot of crap to work on.


It's like threesomes, the fantasy is often SO much better than the reality. Well, at least I assume. I've never had a threesome!
12/28/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by LicentiouslyYours
Have you read the Ethical Slut? That's another book I've started and not yet finished. ( I tend to read far too many books at once, reading a few chapters of this, then that one and taking forever to get through them all)

It would be ... more
I have not been able to find a copy of it....everytime I go to order it, the darn thing is out of stock! LOL
12/28/2010
Contributor: clp clp
Quote:
Originally posted by staceejaxxx
I do believe if my jealously wasn't so bad that our relationship would be so much better. I know I'm insecure. I just don't know what to do to fix it.... for good.
I'm sorry to hear that. Jealousy, regardless of what, can tear a person apart and bring the whole house down with it. I know that first hand...
12/28/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by clp
Very interesting so far. I, too, am in a monogomous LDR but it is still quite new (1 1/2 years now). We have discussed the idea of an open relationship in the future, when we are together. He is still a bit skittish even in discussion, so I'm ... more
Hey there CLP! I love that you say your 1 1/2 year relationship is still new...you are so correct! I think it shows great possibility when people understand that long term relationships tend to begin at the 5 years or so mark...doesn't mean they are more committed though.

Hell don't I know it that what works for one group may not work for another. I was blasted on an 'OPEN' marriage group for not aborting my son because it's NEVER good to bring children into the mix!!

What I'm doing isn't morally wrong or abusive so why wouldn't children be good for us? My son has completed something we didn't even know we were missing. He's driving us happily insane!
12/28/2010
Contributor: Kristina Wright Kristina Wright
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I have not been able to find a copy of it....everytime I go to order it, the darn thing is out of stock! LOL
It's probably the best known book on the subject! It's totally worth finding a used copy.
12/28/2010
Contributor: staceejaxxx staceejaxxx
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
That I can help you with, but in the end it's gonna take some hard work and soul searching on your part.
The way to combat jealousy is to find out what is feeding it. Are you afraid you are unloveable or you don't deserve love? Do you ... more
Wow! You have said everything I am feeling. I have had days where I think if he's going to leave, he's going to leave. There's nothing I can do about it. Just don't be the jealous bitch that pushes him away. Then it's totally my fault. I hate being jealous!! I will take what you said to heart and do some soul searching.
12/28/2010
Contributor: staceejaxxx staceejaxxx
Quote:
Originally posted by clp
I'm sorry to hear that. Jealousy, regardless of what, can tear a person apart and bring the whole house down with it. I know that first hand...
Yes, jealously is such a horrible, horrible thing! I hate being this person!!
12/28/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Kristina Wright
It's probably the best known book on the subject! It's totally worth finding a used copy.
I've heard that...I want to get the revised edition I've heard amazing things about it.
12/28/2010