The New Intimacy

Eden Kink - Misconceptions in BDSM June 15, 2011 8 PM EST

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Contributor: Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by Emma (Girl With Fire)
I am like that as well. But you have to make that agreement. If they are getting off on it, they really do enjoy it. That is what safe words are for
Somewhat. I know quite a few people that don't have safewords (as controversial as some see it) and there are times where they don't like what's happening. They hate it in the moment and may like it afterwards when its done and they're coming down from it. Then there are some things that they do that they see like cleaning house... something they hate but have to do for their dominant anyways. It's not abuse because they've agreed to that dynamic, but just because you want to stop doesn't mean you are going. But you're right. It needs to be discussed before hand and weaved into the relationship, not just be a surprise. Then it borders on abuse.
06/15/2011
Contributor: sexyintexas sexyintexas
Great group tonight! Goodnight everyone, still have a lot to do ugh! See ya'll next time
06/15/2011
Contributor: Wondermom Wondermom
Quote:
Originally posted by VieuxCarre
Exactly! Safe words = safety Even though that's cheesy, it's true!
I was once told by a person in the slave world that safe words are useless and theres no need for one, but I agree it just seems stupid to not have one.
06/15/2011
Contributor: [Red] [Red]
Quote:
Originally posted by Serenesub
For some. I know people who get off on the force of their dominant pushing them. I know others who are taken outside their comfort zones by their dominant and fight it, but want it again and again. For them being pushed past their boundaries, wanting ... more
This reminds me of a term I've had trouble pinning down: subspace. It's been compared to 'runner's high' and my understanding of it is that there are 'levels', descending from top-level normal social operation/awareness to a very Id-like, instinctual, primal state of being which has trouble articulating words at all.

This is the most common definition of subspace I've encountered so far and it seems to be a goal of many subs to be taken as deeply into it as they can withstand-- or their dom will take them. The level of mutual trust and understanding is deeply intimate, as far as I've observed, but I'm not sure how 'subspace' differs from a state of shock or just being high on endorphins from being physically pushed to one's limits. How are these connected, and what makes 'subspace', if it does exist, different from other states of being?

Questions open to everyone, of course. But your commentary reminded me of it.
06/15/2011
Contributor: Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by Wondermom
I was once told by a person in the slave world that safe words are useless and theres no need for one, but I agree it just seems stupid to not have one.
Kay... odd woman out. *raises hand* I don't have one.
06/15/2011
Contributor: VieuxCarre VieuxCarre
Thank you all for the great discussion tonight! I need to get off and get some dinner with the Master person. I can't WAIT for next month!
06/15/2011
Contributor: VieuxCarre VieuxCarre
Quote:
Originally posted by Serenesub
Kay... odd woman out. *raises hand* I don't have one.
I have one! It's Patrick Stewart or Aardvark depending on what mood he's in.
06/15/2011
Contributor: PunkyB PunkyB
This has been fun...Goodnight all
06/15/2011
Contributor: Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by VieuxCarre
Thank you all for the great discussion tonight! I need to get off and get some dinner with the Master person. I can't WAIT for next month!
Have a great Master person night!
06/15/2011
Contributor: Jul!a Jul!a
Quote:
Originally posted by VieuxCarre
Thank you all for the great discussion tonight! I need to get off and get some dinner with the Master person. I can't WAIT for next month!
Thanks for hosting!
06/15/2011
Contributor: Sir Sir
Quote:
Originally posted by [Red]
It sounds to me like a hunger, like an impulse one can't reason or argue with that needs to be sated or suffered through. The lack of emotional attachment scratches the itch, but the satisfaction that offers cannot be compared to the fulfillment ... more
That is correct, yes. It's like a temporary fix, honestly. And yes, I do enjoy inflicting pain on others. Horribly. I am not an emotional sadist (most times), so I am more physical. I like to smack people around and give them scars, I like to give them cuts and make them bleeds. I love giving bruises, bruises that are so purple they last for days. Emotionally, the only way that I am a sadist is because I love to humiliate and interrogate. I love calling people names like slut, bitch, and whore, and I love saying derogatory things to make people feel like complete and utter crap. But that relates back to how my slave must be very strong-willed and have a great self-esteem - to be able to take such things from me, they HAVE to be very confident in themselves. I also am a sadist because I love seeing others in pain that I've inflicted. I love to see people push against me, out of fear and out of pain.

Hope that that helps!
06/15/2011
Contributor: Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by VieuxCarre
I have one! It's Patrick Stewart or Aardvark depending on what mood he's in.
Haha. Those are great.
06/15/2011
Contributor: VieuxCarre VieuxCarre
Quote:
Originally posted by Jul!a
Thanks for hosting!
Thanks for letting me have it! Goodnight everyone!
06/15/2011
Contributor: Wondermom Wondermom
Quote:
Originally posted by VieuxCarre
Thank you all for the great discussion tonight! I need to get off and get some dinner with the Master person. I can't WAIT for next month!
Thank you for an extremely informative chat!
06/15/2011
Contributor: Sir Sir
Quote:
Originally posted by VieuxCarre
Thank you all for the great discussion tonight! I need to get off and get some dinner with the Master person. I can't WAIT for next month!
Aww ...that's too bad! Hope that you two have a good night, and speak to you soon! Have fun!
06/15/2011
Contributor: Wondermom Wondermom
I don't have a safe word yet, but we are thinking of one that would work, we haven't done much where he has tried pushing me past my boundary yet.
06/15/2011
Contributor: Woman China Woman China
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
I do not feel that that is true. Not everyone is kinky, just like not everyone likes anal. It's a personal preference, to say that everyone likes it is horribly generalizing.
What is kinky to you? That there is the question.

When I was studying languages and got around to trying to learn and then to describe the word "kink", I discovered that it basically means something unconventional or different from the norm. If what you are used to is just missionary as my neighbour I used in my example, her riding him, or doggie is kinky or even having sex on a Wednesday for that could would in fact be kinky.

As I said, it all depends on what you think kinky is.
06/15/2011
Contributor: Sir Sir
Quote:
Originally posted by Woman China
What is kinky to you? That there is the question.

When I was studying languages and got around to trying to learn and then to describe the word "kink", I discovered that it basically means something unconventional or different from ... more
It doesn't matter what it is to me. What matters is what it is to others. And other people have told me, point-blank, that they are not kinky. If they say that they're not, then they're not, period. It doesn't matter what I think, it's how they identify and how they feel.
06/15/2011
Contributor: [Red] [Red]
Quote:
Originally posted by Serenesub
Somewhat. I know quite a few people that don't have safewords (as controversial as some see it) and there are times where they don't like what's happening. They hate it in the moment and may like it afterwards when its done and ... more
I can relate to this somewhat. My lover and I live a D/s relationship 24/7 and we don't use safewords. I trust him completely and though sometimes he does things or asks me to do things I don't particularly enjoy/want to do, I understand that doing them won't hurt me and that in the end, they're usually for my benefit. What's in my best interest is also in his best interest, so in that light we don't see the need for safewords.

Even if I told him to stop, I know he wouldn't and I wonder if it's strange that I take comfort in that knowledge.
06/15/2011
Contributor: Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by [Red]
I can relate to this somewhat. My lover and I live a D/s relationship 24/7 and we don't use safewords. I trust him completely and though sometimes he does things or asks me to do things I don't particularly enjoy/want to do, I understand that ... more
It's not. I know several people that are the same way. Myself included I don't have a safeword either and have no desire for one. I know he's not going to go beyond what I can take because his limits are the same as mine..somewhere along the way I adopted his and completely forgot what mine were. Brainwashing at its finest.
06/15/2011
Contributor: Sir Sir
Quote:
Originally posted by Serenesub
It's not. I know several people that are the same way. Myself included I don't have a safeword either and have no desire for one. I know he's not going to go beyond what I can take because his limits are the same as mine..somewhere along ... more
That's wonderful, I love hearing such things! They make me feel all nice and happy inside.
06/15/2011
Contributor: Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
That's wonderful, I love hearing such things! They make me feel all nice and happy inside.
Yeah he's pretty happy with himself I tell him all the time he brainwormed me and moved in. He's been there long enough he's rearranged furniture and refurbished everything to what he wants it to be.
06/15/2011
Contributor: Sir Sir
Quote:
Originally posted by Serenesub
Yeah he's pretty happy with himself I tell him all the time he brainwormed me and moved in. He's been there long enough he's rearranged furniture and refurbished everything to what he wants it to be.
That's so beautiful. I could only ever wish to reach that level with someone. Maybe someday.
06/15/2011
Contributor: [Red] [Red]
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
It doesn't matter what it is to me. What matters is what it is to others. And other people have told me, point-blank, that they are not kinky. If they say that they're not, then they're not, period. It doesn't matter what I think, ... more
The trouble with such subjectively defined terms is that there exists a greater potential for the breakdown of communication between individuals who have vastly different definitions. Out of respect for another person, one wouldn't refer to another as kinky if that person didn't identify as kinky, but that doesn't mean said person wouldn't qualify as kinky by someone else's definition. What's outside the norm for some is the norm for others.

A couple who always has sex on Wednesdays and then abruptly has sex on Friday qualifies as kinky, but if they don't regard themselves as such, it would be rude to refer to them that way. I think it's more about respect and less about concrete definition when it comes to what's kinky outside of one's own perspective, but that can make the subject somewhat touchy.
06/15/2011
Contributor: Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
That's so beautiful. I could only ever wish to reach that level with someone. Maybe someday.
We were friends for about 3 years before we started this. Then somewhere along the way he ended up as my owner. I don't even know when it happened. It was like running into a wall when I realized it. Apparently he knew for quite a while before I did. We've known each other for about 5 years now, he's had a long time to get in my head and rebuild things.
06/15/2011
Contributor: [Red] [Red]
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
That is correct, yes. It's like a temporary fix, honestly. And yes, I do enjoy inflicting pain on others. Horribly. I am not an emotional sadist (most times), so I am more physical. I like to smack people around and give them scars, I like to ... more
It's been food for thought; thanks for your responses.
06/15/2011
Contributor: Sir Sir
Quote:
Originally posted by [Red]
The trouble with such subjectively defined terms is that there exists a greater potential for the breakdown of communication between individuals who have vastly different definitions. Out of respect for another person, one wouldn't refer to ... more
Exactly my point, it's simply rude to refer to someone as something when they do not identify as that. Rude and disrespectful.

In any case, you're very welcome (in regard to the responses). It was no problem at all, I tend to go on and on when it comes to this topic, but I enjoy talking about it, so it's alright!


Serenesub: Ahh, alright. Well, good for you! It's nice to have such a relationship.
06/15/2011
Contributor: [Red] [Red]
I'm off for awhile, but I'll check back later. Enjoyed the discussion.
06/15/2011
Contributor: Petite Valentine Petite Valentine
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
That is correct, yes. It's like a temporary fix, honestly. And yes, I do enjoy inflicting pain on others. Horribly. I am not an emotional sadist (most times), so I am more physical. I like to smack people around and give them scars, I like to ... more
Got in late, and just finished reading through the thread. It's food for thought, but if I'm being perfectly honest, I don't know if tonight's discussion helped me make any more sense of it. I understand that there is gratification in having itches scratched, but... actually, after typing and erasing what I wrote five times, I'm just going to let it go because everything I write sounds judgmental, and I don't mean to be. I just still don't get it.
06/15/2011
Contributor: Sir Sir
Quote:
Originally posted by Petite Valentine
Got in late, and just finished reading through the thread. It's food for thought, but if I'm being perfectly honest, I don't know if tonight's discussion helped me make any more sense of it. I understand that there is gratification in ... more
Well, tonight's discussion was technically about misconceptions, not about me being a sadist. So what I was discussing was kind of irrelevant and spur of the moment. What exactly are you not getting? Maybe I can help out.
06/15/2011