The New Intimacy

Is Writing Erotica (Erotic Fiction) a Form of Cheating?

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Contributor: Envy Envy
I had a discussion with a few people about this and would like to see what you all thought as well.

If you're in a relationship and think about writing erotic fiction to make a few extra bucks and your significant other/spouse doesn't want you to because they consider it cheating, would you agree with them and not do it or would you explain that it is not cheating and do it anyway despite the fact it causes a lot of discomfort for that person?

When I say writing erotic fiction, I mean stories, NOT role playing online with another person. I mean in these ways:

1. Writing stories to post as e-books and/or publish as a hard copy to sell in order to collect royalties
2. Doing commission work in which someone pays you to write a story for them

Note that in these stories, the writer is NOT in the story and has no other connections to any readers except as just being the writer of the story.

Much appreciated for any and all input you guys provide. I'd like to see what you all think.
Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):
Yes, it is considered a form of cheating
No, it is not considered a form of cheating
HusbandandWife , Owl , T&A1987 , padmeamidala , Beck , Bex1331 , Chilipepper , Taylor , Petite Valentine , LadyDarknezz , SimpleHedonist , Woman China , Jeff & MJ , Loriandhubby , Geogeo , Bodhi , authorzero , Kitten has left the site , Peggi , Falsepast , vanilla&chocolate , Zombirella , Breas , AriaRN , Mwar , MrWishyWashy , PassionateLover2 , Incendiaire , Talena , PeaceToTheMiddleEast , Stagger13 , Gracie , Kitka , JennSenn , wetone123 , pirata , Noelle , Destri , Rin (aka Nire) , Bignuf , travelnurse , coconut1 , CreamySweet , mpfm , chernayavdova , rockblenny , unfulfilled , SubmissiveFeminist , LaSchwartz , Gone (LD29) , Badass , SexyRayne , wes , xilliannax , Hibangel , g- , Ansley , Cora Jane , duff , amazon , HannahPanda , J5ive , Adriana Ravenlust , GONE! , eeep , Ice1 , hybridinsurge , laflauta , TheirPet , KRD , zaftigzoo , Voir , thisisadeletedaccount , Lildrummrgurl7 , SadoMas , solitudinarian , FallFire , joelb42 , bayosgirl , insomniac9 , Leather & Lace , ToyGeek , potstickers , LavenderSkies , icyqueen , crazycouple7281 , GirlOnGirl , ViVix , anonkitty , joolie , BiJess , Supervixen , thelittlepretty1 , inkky , neil i. , Hallmar82 , So Long Ya Doofuses! , hem , K101 , aluminummm , Rossie , Trysexual , Varmint , Istanbull , AliMc , Lioncub , table38792 , konicaguy , roskat , KittenPrincess , Molly Adams , Alyxx , melissa1973 , plaidvulva , glasskitten , mr115393 , ID42 , pasdechat , Katelyn , JackRaiden , richsam , zz1aag , Katzer , Cat E. , souris , mirajah , Martiniman , Poohbear5 , SteamyTea , Missmarc , quackbuster , Deeder , BornInApril , mjtheprincess , Robespierrethecat , subwayrailings , Crimson Vixen , vanillaSpice , evie.amor , Genderfree , Monday's reprieve , midnightjackson , Amber1319 , lilacviolet , Stinkytofu10 , Sinfully , jr2012 , LoneOokami , twelve13 , Eugler , BlackCherry , karenm , Cindi025 , alliegator , Pete's Princess
155  (94%)
Other
indiglo , PropertyOfPotter , switzerland , Ryuson , oneeyedoctopus , mrs.mckrakn , VanillaFreeSex , no longer here , RememberMe , SecretToyLover2
10  (6%)
Total votes: 165
Poll is closed
07/04/2012
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Contributor: HusbandandWife HusbandandWife
Quote:
Originally posted by Envy
I had a discussion with a few people about this and would like to see what you all thought as well.

If you're in a relationship and think about writing erotic fiction to make a few extra bucks and your significant other/spouse doesn't ... more
I would not consider it cheating. Unless you are writing about something you did while you cheated.
07/04/2012
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
Your scenario actually presents 2 questions, so I'll answer each of them.

Do I consider writing erotic fiction (where the author is not involved in the story) a form of cheating? - No, I do not.

Would I go ahead and write erotic fiction for money after discussing it with my partner, and after my partner expressed extreme discomfort with me doing it? - No, I would not.

Just because I have the right to do something doesn't mean I HAVE to do it. If I knew something was really and truly upsetting to my partner I wouldn't do it on purpose. (And trust me, I'm no pushover, nor am I a shrinking violet about what I want/need in a relationship. I just don't think it's wise to do something on purpose that hurts your partner. Unless you want the relationship to be nasty, I guess.) And, there are other ways to make a little spending money besides writing erotic fiction, so I'd just look into other options.
07/04/2012
Contributor: PropertyOfPotter PropertyOfPotter
If he said he didn't want me to because HE considered it cheating, than I absolutely wouldn't. Different people feel different things are cheating, so I would respect him for that reason.
07/04/2012
Contributor: Claire-Bear Claire-Bear
If your partner considers it cheating within reason, it is. It's that simple. Making money off something that hurts a partner would only make the act even more negative. You have to choose your battles wisely.
07/04/2012
Contributor: Beck Beck
I'd seriously consider my relationship with a person who is that possessive. If writing erotica is cheating, reviewing sex toys is cheating, and porn. The list can go on. A serious talk would have to be made. Writing literature about anything at all isn't cheating. But if that person views it that way and I view it another, we aren't going to make a great couple because I would feel trapped!
07/04/2012
Contributor: Bex1331 Bex1331
No it's not but beck is right that's super possessive to be bothered by that
07/04/2012
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
How do you know my ex-husband?

He got into my computer without my permission and discovered all the porn I wrote for myself because our marriage was celibate. (This was five years into our marriage when I had tried everything to make it work and nothing did.) He still had the nerve to be surprised and called it cheating. (Took me another five years to get rid of him.)

If the partner has issues about you writing about OTHERS (that no way resemble the writer), there is a problem there. Being a fiction writer myself, I can't stand to live with somebody who would be that suspicious and insecure of creative expression.
07/04/2012
Contributor: LadyDarknezz LadyDarknezz
No, I don't consider it a form of cheating. If I had a significant other that was uncomfortable with it, I'd definitely take there feelings into consideration and work out some sort of compromise.
07/04/2012
Contributor: Ryuson Ryuson
(Review Program Mentor)
If it goes against the ground rules you and your partner have set up for your relationship, it's cheating. If you didn't set ground rules about that when you first got together? Sit down with him NOW and set some ground rules. Let him tell you why he doesn't like it, tell him why you don't consider it cheating, and come up with rules that are easy to follow (be it "None at all", "As long as you aren't in it," etc)

It would not be a form of cheating for us, but artistic expression. My boyfriend would only consider it cheating if I was writing about myself for some other person. But if he didn't want me to at all, I would not. I value and respect him much too much to do that.
07/04/2012
Contributor: Woman China Woman China
Nope. It would be a job.

I cannot get angry if he decides to take n a part-time job that takes him away from me for a while or him wanting to gamble or something like that, why should he have a problem with me writing erotica???

I've been in this situation. After a couple weeks of dating a guy I tell him that I do write erotica just so there are no surprises down the line. One or two have told me flat out that they don't like it as it has me thinking of past men or other men.

They don't like it when you ask if they always think of you when they fantasise or masturbate because the answer is no. They don't like it when you tell them they cannot watch porn or look at racy pictures and in a sense that is the same thing.

Writing erotica to supplement an income or to do as a full time job is just that. A job.

If you do it as a hobby, it's a hobby. To me it shows security in the man I am with if he is ok with it and a comfort in his sexuality. Those that are not ok with it in my opinion... there are many reasons why.
07/04/2012
Contributor: Envy Envy
These are all very interesting answers, it seems that the consensuses so far is that if it hurts someone, don't do it as it could be considered cheating by someone, yet everyone voted no, it's not cheating. Interesting.

I forgot to add in the original post, too, that porn and all that was okay, as well as reading erotica, but the matter at hand was actually writing the erotica. Which to me is rather... odd. Watching porn? That's okay. Reading erotica? That's okay. Writing erotica? That's not okay.

Hm... It's not making much sense to me.
07/04/2012
Contributor: Loriandhubby Loriandhubby
Quote:
Originally posted by Beck
I'd seriously consider my relationship with a person who is that possessive. If writing erotica is cheating, reviewing sex toys is cheating, and porn. The list can go on. A serious talk would have to be made. Writing literature about anything at ... more
well said
07/04/2012
Contributor: Geogeo Geogeo
Absolutely not. That's ridiculous to me.
07/04/2012
Contributor: Bodhi Bodhi
I don't consider it cheating, and I think someone who considers it cheating has some serious insecurity issues.
07/04/2012
Contributor: authorzero authorzero
No, I don't see how hti sis cheating. There is no other individual involved in this action. It's all in your mind.
07/04/2012
Contributor: Kitten has left the site Kitten has left the site
How can it be cheating if it's not even YOU and someone else? It's not even physical.

I'm a fanfiction writer. I write about anime characters and other characters having sex, threesomes, oral sex, everything but nasty crap under the sun, and no way does my husband think it's cheating. He actually loves the idea I can be so willing to write about something like that.
07/04/2012
Contributor: Peggi Peggi
I do write erotic fiction, and sometimes based on true events, but I don't consider it cheating and neither does hubby and we are both totally, 100%, no exceptions against cheating of any kind...so to us, it's just a story. It's no different than him looking up nudes of women or me watching porn. It's not cheating if there is no intent to be with another person or give any part of yourself to that person.

The writing is for fun, and because people love it. He knows that, and knows there is nothing wrong with it. I don't think he'd mind if I read it, either, though I don't often read that sort of thing, unless it is adult fanfiction, in which case, he just thinks it's cute that I read it LOL
07/05/2012
Contributor: Zombirella Zombirella
No, that is just silly. It's just writing a story, no actual sex involved.
07/05/2012
Contributor: AriaRN AriaRN
It would just be a form of putting your sexual fantasies out there for the world to see.
07/05/2012
Contributor: Envy Envy
Quote:
Originally posted by AriaRN
It would just be a form of putting your sexual fantasies out there for the world to see.
But then the question becomes: if you share those fantasies with others rather than just your own partner, is that considered a form of cheating or being disloyal in any way due to putting those secrets out in the open?
07/05/2012
Contributor: MrWishyWashy MrWishyWashy
NO! It's the same thing as having a fantasy sort of, right?! No harm, no foul.
07/05/2012
Contributor: PassionateLover2 PassionateLover2
NO! The stories can actually be one's imagination "role playing" out a past or maybe future fantasy. Some of mine were, in part, true! Take a look at Erotic and Sexual Fantasies # which I wrote just for fun! I was happy to share these stories with the EF community; no secrets; no cheating!!

I recall you said, "Which to me is rather... odd. Watching porn? That's okay. Reading erotica? That's okay. Writing erotica? That's not okay." Well, I think reading erotica or writing erotica or watching porn are all OK (no harm no foul). BUT what you forgot to compare in your analysis is that DOING (or being involved) in porn crosses that line and, therefore, WOULD BE cheating!!
07/05/2012
Contributor: PeaceToTheMiddleEast PeaceToTheMiddleEast
I don't think of it as cheating.
07/05/2012
Contributor: Gracie Gracie
No, I dont think that writing stories is equivalent to cheating! And I don't think a partner would have the right to say you can't do it! To me it is in the realm of self expression. I don't think anyone has the right to tell someone they can't write stories anymore than someone say you can't keep a journal!
07/06/2012
Contributor: JennSenn JennSenn
I don't think it's cheating, but I think you should respect you partners wishes. Have a long talk about it, and come to a consensus. Also, it does sound kind of possessive, but if there are no other signs then maybe it's just a quirk? You know them, so just talking about it seems like the right move.
07/06/2012
Contributor: Noelle Noelle
Quote:
Originally posted by Envy
I had a discussion with a few people about this and would like to see what you all thought as well.

If you're in a relationship and think about writing erotic fiction to make a few extra bucks and your significant other/spouse doesn't ... more
I don't feel it's cheating, as long as any actual events aren't disclosed to your SO..LOL
07/06/2012
Contributor: Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by Beck
I'd seriously consider my relationship with a person who is that possessive. If writing erotica is cheating, reviewing sex toys is cheating, and porn. The list can go on. A serious talk would have to be made. Writing literature about anything at ... more
This. Taking your partner's feelings into consideration is one thing, stifling yourself creatively for their sake is another. Creative outlets are extremely important to me, and if I wound up with someone so uncomfortable with a form of fiction as to consider it cheating I'd have to reconsider the relationship. I probably wouldn't do well with someone like that.
07/06/2012
Contributor: unfulfilled unfulfilled
No I would not consider those options to be cheating.
07/09/2012
Contributor: SubmissiveFeminist SubmissiveFeminist
I really don't think it's even close to cheating...
07/09/2012