The New Intimacy

Have You Ever Been the Other Woman/Man?

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Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
I had recently been offered the position of 'mistress' by another friend from high school who had regarded me a close friend back in the day and trusted me not to go all drama on him. He says that his girlfriend hasn't had any interest in sex at all since the baby was born (two years ago), and he really misses it.

I'm flattered, but also miffed that I'm regarded with such disrespect as to want the thankless position of being 'the other woman'. After being with Mulder (who had been separated from his wife for three years by the time we got together, but still had to look after his family with her), I had discovered that I don't like living out Whitney Houston's song "Saving All My Love For You". I would prefer to be his first priority, not the last and when he can find time for me.

I said I'd think about it, but I decided I will turn it down (mainly due to not wanting to participate in any pain this would cause his family just because his girlfriend's Closed For Business For Eternity). Which is a royal pain in the ass, because I want him, too. I did the Right Thing - so I got some Karma points, but I'm still miserably alone with unfulfilled needs.

So, the question: have you ever been the other woman or man? Feel free to share your thoughts, too.
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
Yes, I have been the other person.
118  (52%)
No, it hasn't happened.
98  (43%)
Other.
10  (4%)
Total votes: 226
Poll is closed
08/26/2010
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Contributor: Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
I voted Other because I've been with a ton of other women - but zero since getting married. Maybe it was my diversity of experience that taught me that it's best to stick with one loving & reliable partner.
08/26/2010
Contributor: DeliciousSurprise DeliciousSurprise
I've been the other lover. The person with whom I was having the quasi-affair was in an quasi-open relationship. She was using me to make her partner jealous, so I was really more of a pawn than the other woman, I suppose.
08/26/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
For what it's worth, Chili, I think you made the right choice to turn him down. I know you're lonely, but you would still be lonely....on Christmas, Thanksgiving, weekend nights, when he's with his GF, and only be seen when he's horny.

Not to mention, like you said, the pain it would cause the people who trust and love him.

You deserve better than a "courtesan" position. You deserve to the The First and Only Woman. Honey, you seem like you have a lot of love to give and the right love WILL come along (I know everybody tells you this, but it will happen) when the time is right.

I'm sorry you are so sad.

Hugs,

P'Gell
08/26/2010
Contributor: Kindred Kindred
You absolutely made the right decision to turn him down. You deserve to be with someone who loves and wants you, not someone that is just looking for a sex partner.
08/26/2010
Contributor: LikeSunshineDust LikeSunshineDust
When I was in high school one of my guy friends was dating this girl that I couldn't stand. He and I were hanging out one night and I ended up giving him head. He wouldn't do anything to me "'cause that would be cheating" (Heh, okay buddy), but it felt good and naughty, especially since I hated his girlfriend.
08/26/2010
Contributor: Sir Sir
I have not been, to my knowledge.
08/26/2010
Contributor: ~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Everyone of my boyfriends, I was the other woman even if there was not anything sexual at that time. I have always broken up relationships without even doing it on purpose. It just kind of happens. They leave the girl for me. I have not been the other sexual girl as in a mistress, but bf's have cheated with me, which is usually what leads to them dumping the other girl.
08/26/2010
Contributor: Avant-garde Avant-garde
good for you
08/26/2010
Contributor: Jul!a Jul!a
I've never been the other woman myself, and I've never had a partner who was the other man. Me personally, I have a hard time respecting women who willingly allow themselves to become the other woman by engaging in any sexual acts with somebody that they know is in a monogamous relationship. But that's just me.

Karma will repay you eventually
08/26/2010
Contributor: sexysweetieshan sexysweetieshan
I voted Yes, but it's a LONG story. I hate cheaters, but at the time, I didn't consider it cheating. It was more of a secret. It was back in high school, my female friend had a boyfriend, yet this female friend and I were also secretly dating. So in a sense, she was cheating on her boyfriend with me, yet I don't know. I just didn't consider it cheating I guess. This actually happened with maybe 2 or 3 of her boyfriends that we were also secretly dating at the time. But she also was the "other woman" for me. Like once when I had a boyfriend I was also dating her secretly, so I was kind of cheating in a sense I guess. Very confusing situation. Haha.
08/26/2010
Contributor: sexysweetieshan sexysweetieshan
Oh and there was no sex between me and my boyfriend or her and her boyfriends. We were in high school, so it wasn't like we were SEXUALLY cheating. Because we weren't sexual with the boys. Just each other.
08/26/2010
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
I voted "Other" as well. When my partner and I first met, we were teenagers (16) and he was under a lot of pressure from peers and family and religion to be a "straight girl" so he was in a just-for-appearances long-distance relationship (my partner had moved so it didn't start out long-distance) with a boy. My partner didn't actually love or care for him at all and the guy was a total jerk anyway. And we didn't have sex or even make-out until they were officially broken up, but we were definitely flirty and touchy.

So in a way, I was the other woman. But in a way, I was the real relationship. So very complicated!
08/26/2010
Contributor: Liz Liz
I've been the other woman twice, but both were cases of emotional infidelity, not sexual. I was someone who always had a lot of male friends growing up, and I didn't realize how difficult it can be to have friends of the opposite sex as an adult. Once I realized what was happening with both of these men, I broke things off-- it never became sexual. I've since learned to be a little more guarded and careful with my friendships.
08/26/2010
Contributor: ~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by Liz
I've been the other woman twice, but both were cases of emotional infidelity, not sexual. I was someone who always had a lot of male friends growing up, and I didn't realize how difficult it can be to have friends of the opposite sex as an ... more
Yea, mine was also emotional infidelity. I should have specified that more. That is what I meant by not the sexual mistress. To me emotional cheating is what leads to affairs not one night flings and is therefor more detrimental to relationships. They would develop strong feelings for me and mine would eventually follow. I never have knowingly done something sexual with a guy in a relationship, and to my recollection never have unknowingly either. But, guys can be sketchy lol. I don't think I could even do something with a guy I knew had a girlfriend. I wouldn't trust him. If he cheated on you to start your relationship...what says that he won't do it to you too!!!!!
08/27/2010
Contributor: ~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
I had recently been offered the position of 'mistress' by another friend from high school who had regarded me a close friend back in the day and trusted me not to go all drama on him. He says that his girlfriend hasn't had any interest in ... more
BTW, good choice! You should be first and the way you described you longing, would probably develop stronger feelings and get hurt. Not worth it!
08/27/2010
Contributor: Selective Sensualist Selective Sensualist
You made a good choice. This guy is not truly your friend and you are actually better off not having any type of relationship with him at all.
08/27/2010
Contributor: Fanny Fanny
unfortunately I have, but not intentionally!
08/27/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
You guys are really great for sharing your experiences and wisdom. I do appreciate that about this community.

Personal integrity is not worth abandoning when you know what your needs are - never settle for less.

(It's just the body is resentful of being a Girl Scout at times.)
08/27/2010
Contributor: AU AU
My behind the scenes story is painful and dramatic. It has gone on for over a decade.

I have not talked to that person I cared for for almost 7 years and he showed up in my life again recently. I have been in a happy relationship since before he and I parted ways in a bad fashion. In that time we did not speak, he got married. It has been in a troubled marriage, though. When he came to me, he needed someone to talk to, and I was desperate to talk and heal some old wounds. But it may have turned into an emotional affair, at least from his side. His wife found out and the last few months were a little difficult. It was scary, I feared I was going to be the straw that broke the back of their relationship. But she didn't despise me. I proved myself to not be much of a threat and she and I are on OK terms now. The rest of their story isn't right to say much of here, but they are now doing OK.

I did have confused feelings through some of this, but I realize that though I love that man, it isn't quite the same kind of love it used to be. And I'm now feeling unable to separate with who I am with now. I could not throw what we have away.

There will be so many things I will never know and it bothers me a lot sometimes. But it is better this way. I'm tired of making foolish mistakes on a whim and regrets. Do what you know will be the happier path.
08/27/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by AU
My behind the scenes story is painful and dramatic. It has gone on for over a decade.

I have not talked to that person I cared for for almost 7 years and he showed up in my life again recently. I have been in a happy relationship since ... more
I know about the regrets, Alura. That is what has plagued my 'relationships' with Mulder (the guy I lost my virginity to in high school and recently had an affair with just after I left my celibate marriage) and my friend mentioned here (also a close friend from high school) who made the mistress offer ... the thought of 'Nothing happened back then but what could happen now that we're older??'

It's only superficial regrets on my part. Deep down, I know I'll be better off.

It takes a lot of strength to handle closure. Coming out wiser is the best reward. You're a wise lady.
08/27/2010
Contributor: Sera Sera
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
I had recently been offered the position of 'mistress' by another friend from high school who had regarded me a close friend back in the day and trusted me not to go all drama on him. He says that his girlfriend hasn't had any interest in ... more
Yes, lots of times. And then I decided I refused to be used any longer!
08/29/2010
Contributor: Kynky Kytty Kynky Kytty
Oops, I voted no, but forgot about being one a very very long time ago. Ahhh I was so naive. I'm so not doing this again.
08/29/2010
Contributor: Liz2 Liz2
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
I had recently been offered the position of 'mistress' by another friend from high school who had regarded me a close friend back in the day and trusted me not to go all drama on him. He says that his girlfriend hasn't had any interest in ... more
You absolutely made the right choice! Ahead would be nothing but heartache and pain. No one really wants to be "used" and once the realization kicks in more heartache and feeling negative about yourself. Good luck!!
08/30/2010
Contributor: Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
I'm not proud, but I have been the 'mistress.' I don't recommend it - it's not a fun position to be in.
08/30/2010
Contributor: SydVicious SydVicious
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
For what it's worth, Chili, I think you made the right choice to turn him down. I know you're lonely, but you would still be lonely....on Christmas, Thanksgiving, weekend nights, when he's with his GF, and only be seen when he's ... more
Wonderfully put P'Gell!! My best friend was a mistress for a long time and I think it was hard for her to be alone at night knowing he was with his wife. You deserve better.

This guy doesn't sound like a very stand up guy. To defend his girlfriend, I had a hard time getting my sex drive back after my daughter was born. Maybe if he would spend more time working on what his gf needs instead of picking up a mistress, he would be getting some.
08/30/2010
Contributor: Midway through Midway through
I practically do background checks before going out to coffee with someone. So essentially I've never been the other woman because I find out they're with someone and I'm like hell no.
08/30/2010
Contributor: onehotmomma onehotmomma
I have been the "other woman" once. Ahhh I'll never do that again. It was just a short time fling, and he wasn't happy with his woman, and they were on again/ off again. We were both attracted to each other so things happened.

I don't regret it though. We were young. You have to learn from your mistakes. It was fun while it lasted, but it did cause a lot of drama, for the both of us.
08/31/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
I had recently been offered the position of 'mistress' by another friend from high school who had regarded me a close friend back in the day and trusted me not to go all drama on him. He says that his girlfriend hasn't had any interest in ... more
While I have never been the other woman I have been the one cheated on...and my husband would say we had NO sex when we were going at it like rabbits. A cheat will say whatever it takes to get your ass in bed usually with no regard to the feelings of his partner. I know you feel miserable and alone but you have my respect and admiration for sticking to your guns and telling him to work out his troubles at home, then come to your door.
You are a lovely person, even if it doesn't feel that way right now. Keep your chin up, hun.
08/31/2010
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
I was once...sorta. The girl was on a break with her bf and wanted to cut loose. I didn't know this until WAY after the fact. She also told me later that she was pregnant, I knew it wasn't mine (gotta love condoms)...but still.
08/31/2010