Update :

He says that I have changed. He wants his girlfriend back. I am just this lifeless zombie, going through the days.. lately. It has only been three days since I went through something traumatic. I’m trying the best that I can. I still love him, but I do not want to do the same “things” as we usually do.

I need to cope. I need to heal. I need to laugh. I need to find myself again. I need him to understand that I am trying my hardest not to let this ruin us. I want him in my life but I need time to heal. I need time to accept. I need time to move on. I just need time.

He says he understands but he is frustrated. I understand that.. but I feel it is almost a little selfish. I keep telling myself that today is the day that I am going to be okay, but it just doesn’t happen that way. I can’t just snap my fingers and be completely better.

I love him to the sun and back, I just need him to understand more. I need him to put himself in my shoes. He is trying, I know he is. He is trying his hardest. I can tell. I just don’t know if I’ll be okay in a day, or a week, or a month. I don’t know when and I want to be okay. I’m just not okay yet.

Today, after three days, we kissed like we meant it. We kissed like we were in love again. It gave me those butterflies and I needed that. I wasn’t aroused.. I was just happy. He kissed me like there was nothing else in the world that he would rather be doing. We are making progress. Slowly, but surely. This is just the first step. We have finally made it to the first step, and I am so happy that I didn’t break down and cry. It didn’t last very long, the kissing. I went off to take a shower because I didn’t want to cry. I still haven’t cried, but I want to. I try not to cry because I know that he wants me to just get over this. I’m trying to be strong but sometimes.. I just can’t be strong. I just can’t.

Tuesday is going to be full of emotions. I’m going to be an emotional wreck. I am going to the women’s clinic that day for my appointment and they are going to get the rest of whatever is left of the “baby” out of me. They said they wanted to wait a few days to see if I could do it myself just naturally, and maybe I did. Who knows. I am too scared to look. I haven’t bled, so I know that I didn’t do much probably. It is going to be a major reminder of what happened and I know that I am going to have to start from square one again. I am going to be this emotional wreck and not be able to control my emotions yet again.

I really just want to forget all about all of this, but I know that will never happen. He told me something today that really made a lot of sense, in a really horrible way. “You had a miscarriage in our bed. In this house. In this town. It will always be a reminder, it is how you deal with it now”.

He is right. And I am so scared that I won’t get over this in a timely manner. It is a big deal to me. I killed whatever was inside of me. I killed it. It died.

I hope that everything works out. I hope that I find myself again. I hope that I laugh again. I hope that I grieve and finally become a person again. I hope to become his everything again. Right now.. I’m no ones. I don’t even belong to myself. I just.. walk around like a lifeless zombie.

xoxo less

I know I can't possibly understand but it's alright let yourself cry if you feel the need. Tears aren't a good thing to hold back, they can build up to the point where you find yourself feeling like the world is going to swallow you up whole.

When I feel sort of like that I sit there with a box of tissues and one of my stuffed animals and I just let it all come out...all the frustration, sadness, anger, and fear. It can be a bit overwhelming, but it might just be something you need to feel a little better.

As for the social anxiety you mentioned on your blog post (if you're still having that issue) Bach's Rescue Remedy might help for the time being until you can heal enough to feel comfortable around people again. less

P'Gell--".....and when I went to the bathroom, I heard something hit the water. I closed the toilet and continued to make her breakfast. I got her settled with Sesame Street and went up to look. Most of the pregnancy was in the toilet. I tried to pick it up, but it was like wet Kleenex. Just a mass of pink and grey... stuff. I was somewhere between 4 and 6 weeks pregnant. Nothing looked like "a baby." It was just tissue and a lot of blood."]

This was what happened to me as well...my at the time husband came into the bathroom when I started screaming and wrapped me up in a blanket so I could not move. He did a very thoughtful and caring task; he got our fishnet for our goldfish and scooped all of our baby out, put him (I know in my heart he was a boy), and placed him in a tupperware. We buried him together at a special place in the mountains above our house. 6 weeks later, I had to have my hysterectomy--finally forgave myself about 5 years ago, this happened about 19 years ago.

So sorry P'Gell--I am bleeding for you inside, sharing your pain and memories. Heartfelt hugs, empathetic thoughts and care for you!!! less

i am so sorry to hear this dear...i went through a similar experience my baby died also...MY BABY not IT like the doctors and nurses kept saying i know exactly how you feel. The loss of my child almost destroyed me and no one understood how bad i was hurting. I finally had to pull myself out of the depression, i do still give myself one day each and every year to grieve for the loss of my little baby the day he passed away(5/9/2001) was also my wedding anniversary.that was not ust an "IT" that was my baby (your baby) and we deserve the chance to grieve over that loss. Hope you are better now take care of you less

Yeah.. I don't know why all of a sudden my social anxiety is happening again. I thought I had that part of my life taken care of. Thank you for the recommendation. It really helps.

And you are completely right.
I just need to sit down with a big box if tissues and let it all out.

Thank you so much for your support. It really means a lot to me. less