Is a married couple obligated to have sex?

Contributor: meezerosity meezerosity
No one should ever be obligated to have sex, married or otherwise, for any reason. Period.
05/30/2012
Contributor: bayosgirl bayosgirl
My first reaction is, "What the hell? How can they be married and not do it? At least once in awhile?!" While this is weird to me, the question is are they obligated? No, I don't believe anyone is obligated to do anything they don't want to do. That would be like rape, in this situation. I can't imagine why she would marry the guy and not want to have sex with him, but it's her business not mine. But as others have said, if the husband is unhappy with the arrangement he has every right to seek an annulment. Just as she has no obligation to have sex if she doesn't want to, he has no obligation to STAY in the marriage, seeing as most people's conception of marriage includes sexual activity.
05/30/2012
Contributor: pootpootpoot pootpootpoot
I think she absolutely shouldn't 'have' to, but I do hope she let the guy know before they were married. They should definitely get some outside help.
05/30/2012
Contributor: Gone (LD29) Gone (LD29)
Just throwing this out there -- my husband and I have been together as a couple for coming up on 15 years. We have been married for nearly 5 years of that. For about 5 years (from 2004 - 2009) I was on medication that caused my already spotty sex drive to nearly disappear. Yes, we got married in the middle of that period. Yes, my husband knew what he was getting into.

The longest period of time we've gone without sex (while married) was over a year. Yes, it did put some strain on our relationship, but we talked it through, and our emotional bond is stronger than that. I no longer take the same medication I was on, and my sex drive has majorly improved. Although, I still have periods where I am not interested in sex whatsoever. My husband is very understanding, possibly more than he needs to be, and tries not to put too much pressure on me. I have offered up "duty booty" upon occasion, but he has no interest in having sex with me unless I'm having a good time.

On the other hand, I have a very close friend who had her marriage fall apart for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that her husband felt it was her duty to keep him sexually pleased. If they weren't having sex at least a few times a week (whether she wanted to or not), there'd be hell to pay. Their mismatched senses of duty and obligation regarding their sex life played a big part in driving them apart.

My point is, we don't know the whole story. We don't know her reasons, and we don't know at all how he feels about it. I honestly believe from experience that marriage without sex is workable, and there are a lot of other driving factors in a good marriage beyond sex. Everyone has different issues and expectations, and they'll work out what's best for them eventually.
05/30/2012
Contributor: Noelle Noelle
WTH??????? WHY??? Is she crazy???
06/23/2012
Contributor: pasdechat pasdechat
I'm a little alarmed by how quickly a lot of people seem to be judging this woman. The mere fact that she, for some reason that none of us knows anything about, doesn't want to have sex with her husband isn't necessarily a sign that there is something psychologically wrong with her.

For one thing, we have no idea what kind of relationship the couple had before they were married, and whether they ever discussed the issue of sex. If she made it clear before the marriage that she was uncomfortable with it--for whatever reason--and still feels she isn't ready for it, I don't think her husband has any right to complain (and certainly not to cheat!). Yes, a lack of sex could put a strain on a relationship, but if he loves her, presumably he would wait until she's ready.

As for why she would have gotten married if she didn't want to have sex...well, I can think of plenty of reasons. Aside from any financial motivations, it is possible that she's asexual but genuinely loves her husband and wants to be in a committed relationship with him. Or, again, it could be that she knows she will be ready for sex at some point but didn't want to wait that long to make the relationship official.

To be clear, I'm not saying that this is what's going on. I'm just saying that there are crucial pieces of information missing here, and it isn't really fair to jump to conclusions about her motivations, and certainly not to say that she should just give it up already. The bottom line is, while I personally think that sex is part of love (for sexual people, at least), there aren't any circumstances where she should be "obligated" to have sex with her husband. That is the kind of thinking that once made it possible to justify men raping their wives.
06/23/2012
Contributor: Claire-Bear Claire-Bear
I don't think there are enough details here to make a decision. I don't think she should give it if she isn't ready, but I wonder why she chose to get married at the same time. Not in a judgmental way. Simply curious.
06/24/2012
Contributor: BlooJay BlooJay
It's her body and she can do or not do what she wants with it. Period.
06/24/2012
Contributor: g- g-
I think that this is really unfair to the husband and selfish of the bride.
What is marriage but legalized Sex?
If she has no intention of preforming her "matrimonial duties" then they really didn't need the ceremony. Marriage is a partnership and it involves give and take on both sides. If she had no intention of sleeping with her husband then there really isn't any need to be married they could just as easily be roommates. At least then he could see other people and get a little release.
06/24/2012
Contributor: Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by g-
I think that this is really unfair to the husband and selfish of the bride.
What is marriage but legalized Sex?
If she has no intention of preforming her "matrimonial duties" then they really didn't need the ceremony. Marriage is ... more
Eh, that's like saying sex is the only reason people get married, which is pretty bleak. I agree with the "give and take" aspect and I'll restate that they definitely should have discussed the issue before tying the knot, but no one should ever feel obligated to have sex for any reason - "matrimonial duties" be damned.

Also, sex outside of wedlock is legal. So marriage isn't "legalized sex."
06/24/2012
Contributor: Double Analysis Double Analysis
Quote:
Originally posted by - Kira -
I don't think anyone should be forced into doing anything they don't want to do. That being said...who goes a year into marriage with no sex?? That doesn't make any sense to me. That guy must be miserable and I would assume likely cheating.
My thoughts exactly.
06/25/2012
Contributor: marshmallow marshmallow
nope!
06/26/2012
Contributor: jfuz jfuz
Sex is important in a relationship you should want your partner if not there is something wrong that needs to be fixed
07/25/2012
Contributor: raglin raglin
Quote:
Originally posted by ToyGurl
I was at a client's home the other day, and as I was setting up my presentation, she was in the kitchen on the phone. I didn't mean to listen in, but I couldn't help up overhear. She was talking to someone she knows well (probably a best ... more
It is implicit to the social contract that is marriage that sexual activity will be an important element. If there is not a history of sexual experience and communication between the parties involved, it would be advisable to include a rider to the contract defining the expectations of each party. You can define it in general terms, e.g. "We be having sex", and specific terms, e.g. "Your mother will never move in with us."

I have always thought a good way to manage expectations is by doing things on the front end. It enables the decisions on the back end to be obvious.

The scenario for this is pretty whacked. It is like a punch line in the first sceen of a situation comedy mystery horror reality show on the history channel.
07/29/2012
Contributor: michael scofield michael scofield
its the duty of both to please each other weather one likes it or not. if i dont like eating ass hole and she wants it i will do it. if i want oral and she doesnt like it she need to do it!
  •   (1)
    I am personally offended by this
08/01/2012
Contributor: Anne Anne
Rape still exists, even in marriage.
08/02/2012
Contributor: Itsnotabanana Itsnotabanana
That's insane
08/02/2012
Contributor: digit88 digit88
Quote:
Originally posted by ToyGurl
I was at a client's home the other day, and as I was setting up my presentation, she was in the kitchen on the phone. I didn't mean to listen in, but I couldn't help up overhear. She was talking to someone she knows well (probably a best ... more
It is an important part
08/02/2012
Contributor: yummyinmytummy yummyinmytummy
Technically, in a lot of eyes, you're not really married until after you've had sex (consumated the marriage).

I feel like there has to be some fairly large underlying issues here for you to be able to get your family together, pledge you will spend the rest of your life with this person, and then be unwilling to have sex with them
08/02/2012
Contributor: PeaceToTheMiddleEast PeaceToTheMiddleEast
Yea I think it is important.
08/02/2012
Contributor: Modern^Spank^Anthem Modern^Spank^Anthem
sex is part or marriage sometimes i feel like i have to have sex but i still decide to have sex with my husband
08/02/2012
Contributor: sexxxkitten sexxxkitten
Your body is always your own. You are not anyone's property. You ultimately decide if you want to have sex or not. Regardless if you're married or not.
08/02/2012
Contributor: Ilovelingerie Ilovelingerie
Quote:
Originally posted by ToyGurl
I was at a client's home the other day, and as I was setting up my presentation, she was in the kitchen on the phone. I didn't mean to listen in, but I couldn't help up overhear. She was talking to someone she knows well (probably a best ... more
You aren't literally obligated, but if you don't have sex with your spouse it is going to drive them away unless they aren't ready either.

I would be really hurt if my husband didn't want to have sex with me after a year of marriage. But then again depending on there situation... maybe she found out he cheated on her the night before they got married or something and now she doesn't want to give her virginity to him/ there are always different situations.
08/02/2012
Contributor: Ouroborean Ouroborean
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
It could definitely be a red flag that something isn't right, but without the specifics of why she hasn't done so at this point I don't think it's really fair to judge her situation. There could be any number of things that's holding her back.
Seconded.
08/02/2012
Contributor: spiced spiced
Anyone has the right to refuse sex with anyone, anytime. Whatever the underlying issue(s), it's up to them to work out. Not enough information to properly judge.
12/22/2012
Contributor: minstrel69 minstrel69
Quote:
Originally posted by AndroAngel
As a Demi, I know what it's like to have no sexual desire for someone and still feel emotional attachment. There are plenty of Aces (asexuals) in relationships and married, without sex. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ASEXUALS!!! This is super ... more
I agree with you that sex is not necessary in all relationships. However in mine and most others it is. It is the "norm" to have a sexual relationship in marriage. That isn't to say that anyone is wrong to do it different, it is just not the way that most people do it. We have no way of knowing the dynamics of this couples relationship, so saying that there is something wrong with it is pointless. If they are both happy then who are we to judge? If not then they should seek help.
12/22/2012
Contributor: JMTPG JMTPG
Quote:
Originally posted by ToyGurl
I was at a client's home the other day, and as I was setting up my presentation, she was in the kitchen on the phone. I didn't mean to listen in, but I couldn't help up overhear. She was talking to someone she knows well (probably a best ... more
It's expected.
12/23/2012