If it's not voluntary, it doesn't count. I was raped and still considered myself a virgin until I made the decision on my own to have sex.

agreed

I'm sorry for what happened to you, but there is a difference between physical virginity and the first time you make love. I feel like even though you were violated you can still consider the first consentual sex you had would be ok to consider as losing your virginity.

If it's forced on you, you're still a virgin in my book. Abuse/molestation doesn't have anything to do with sex, it's all about power. So it doesn't count towards your virginity. You get to choose to give your virginity away when you want to and to whom you want. Having something taken just doesn't count. (And it's not your fault either!)

I think it's totally OK to decide for yourself. It could be healing to claim what you call yourself in this situation.

If you identify as a virgin then you are a virgin. The loss of virginity is in some aspects a physical experience but it is also mental and emotional experience. Virginity is more about the state of mind then the physical act.

I appreciate the trigger warning.

And to me, virginity is something that an individual has to define.

There are two kinds of 'virginity' if you will. There's the purely physical sense, and the mental sense. Physically, you aren't a virgin, but mentally, of course you are.

I am so sorry for you. I hope you do not count that as losing your virginity. I was raped exactly 5 years and 6 days ago. Yes you will always remember that day and I hate it! I for one, do not care what anybody says, but I never have and never will count it! It doesn't matter if your hymen was broken or if he finished or not. I say do not torture yourself even more by counting him as an actual partner. Yes, it was rape, but I don't even call it sex! Hell, I wouldn't even say the word rape until last year. I gasped every time I heard the word even on tv and I couldn't say the word rape, especially couldn't say "I was raped" until one night last year I got just angry enough and pissed, I hated myself and my partner and I were constantly being tortured because of me. And I had a bad "episode" one night and I did yell it! I was furious. I hardly ever say it out loud, but still. I know exactly the traumatization (that is a word, right? lol) you are dealing with and counting him as a sexual partner or as the person you LOST your virginity to will make it so much harder for you. Put it out of your mind completely, not the actual rape. That will not leave your mind. But the idea that he was a sexual partner or the man you you lost your virginity to. Get rid of that thought. I did. I wrote everything down on a piece of paper. I wrote it TO him and burned it. Then I did it again and a month later, I did it again. This was 9 months after it happened though. I continued to do that for the first 2 years. You didn't give your virginity to him, he stole it from you. If you can learn to put it out of your mind, it will work I promise. I did and it never crosses my mind anymore that he was a sexual partner. HE WASN'T. HE was a monster. That is all. That's what makes me feel OK.

I just think you will save yourself much torture if you do not accept that he is a sex partner. Some people may think I am completely crazy, but I only know what worked.

Can I ask you a question? Do not answer if you aren't comfortable, but I haven't ever known anyone else who went through it and have always wondered this.
Do you ever KNOW your rapist is around? Is it like you KNOW he is in your car or in your bedroom or bathroom sometimes and you can smell him? I'm sorry if that isn't OK to ask. It happens to me and I nearly sold my car once over it! When I saw do you ever just know he's there I mean of course, imagining it, but it seems like he really is? I know that sounds crazy.

I can tell you the thing that helped me the most. Of course having my very caring partner to go through the crappy things he had to because of me and still being there pushing me not to keep it built up and that he wanted to listen and help. But my real story was published. I didn't want to pick the copy up and read it because I expected awful responses. I didn't even want it published, but when I realized it could be my way of standing up to him without him really knowing (you know, mentally strengthening?) I did it. I finally was talked into reading it by someone who had and said I really needed to see what the responses from the readers were. There were the kindest and most encouraging words written about my story! The nicest things I have ever heard. It truly gave me strength. Even 4 years later! When a couple of friends found out it happened they said I must have done something wrong to cause it to happen so I never told people again for a very long time. I just knew strangers would say worse, but they didnt. It was amazing and that is one huge reason I have gotten a big step ahead this year! I even contacted some of the people with thank yous and now we keep in touch! Maybe when you are ready you could try something similar to that.

That reminds me, 6 days ago (the day I was raped 5 years ago) I researched why do rapists bite their victims and found some stupid article called how to become a rapist! It made me sick to my stomach and I was furious. It was on a site where I am involved in editing the articles and I left a nice little note there. It was truly the most disgusting thing I have ever read! Sorry, I had to rant when that came to mind.

"RAPE IS THE ONLY CRIME IN WHICH THE VICTIM BECOMES THE ACCUSED"
- Freda Adler

Definitely. If that's what you wanted, then you were still a virgin

if you didn´t want to have sex , but some how you lost your virginity means you´re what you´re,, i don´t know what you´re trying to tell us but,,, it depends ,, if it was a rape then you´re or were an innocent in that,,, and you have not to be ashame of that,,, i will tell you something that can heal you ,, inside and for the rest of your life forgive whoever do you wrong ,,, and think of the future and today that´s the past and you´re a beautiful creation of God and for my opinion at that time you were may be much younger and for me you were still a virgin ,,, no matter what happened to you ,,, and yes you should not make post on forums ,,, for this because is the past ,,, you can heal and take whatever direction you want in your life,, just be happy,,, and thank God for being alive,, each and everyday take care

I'm sorry you went through that. It was not your fault at all!

People think of virginity in many different ways, but I think it is up to the individual to define what it means to you. For me, I don't count rape/sexual assault as "sexual experience" and I think of the first time I had sex as my first consensual "I want to have sex with you" time. I guess if someone asked me when I lost my virginity, and I felt like I wouldn't mind telling them, I would probably say, I guess some might technically say I lost my "virginity" when I was raped, if you count virginity as first penis in vagina experience, but I first had sex when I was (age)... I think most sensitive people would understand that rape is not sex.

I don't generally like these sorts of metaphors, because sex is something so different from most other things in life. But if you think of virginity as a "gift" that you choose to give to someone else ( & yourself - sex can be a wonderful thing to have as a shared experience), rape does NOT count. Rape means there is no choice. Although rape takes away something far more important than any material possession, I kind of think of giving your virginity like giving anything a present. If someone asked, when was the first time you gave someone a really great present? You wouldn't say...someone stole my car, does that count? No, and no one would expect you to. It doesn't count. Theft is completely different from making a choice to give someone something.

No one would try to make you feel guilty for getting your car stolen, so I don't understand why some people try to play the blame game when someone violates your own body. Rape is never, never, ever the victim's fault. End of story.

First of all love, I know your pain and I struggled with the same question about myself. I went to counselling and it helped me a lot. It is a struggle to work through, but I promise you that there are wonderful people out there who will love you like you never thought possible so it makes it worth the struggle!
Personally, I took the approach that virginity is a state of mind. I explained to my next partner with whom I chose to be sexual with what had happened and I counted that as my first time.He was very supportive and kind about the whole situation. Don't be scared to open up to people if you need to talk, it does help with the healing process. Like many of the other people have already said, if it was not given willingly it was not given at all. You are still a virgin, it is yours to give!

i feel that concepts such as "virginity" are best left to the religious, and this makes the concept (at least to the religious) a personal matter that cannot be defined beyond whatever book they ascribe themselves to.

basically, it depends.

to me? virginity is a silly thing and one should be rid of it as soon as possible.

I believe you're very strong to admit to yourself what happened to you, and even stronger to take back control of your life. Virginity cannot be stolen, it has to be given, and therefore, you're still a virgin. When and if you decide to give your virginity to a partner, it would be wise to tell them about the assault you underwent, but that you consider it your first time, so they know what to expect if anything happens. Assault and consensual sex are two different things...

I'm not very good at expressing myself, but I hope this helps you at least a little, and I hope as you move forward with your life the pain fades.

Ehh, I'm on the fence.