Oh, BG, I'm so sorry. It's so difficult when you have difficult in-laws, and even worse when your man won't defend you to them. IMO, when you are involved in an intimate relationship your partner comes first and the "family" (meaning of course, his or hers parents and siblings) have to simply wait. It can be SO frustrating. Anger at your man certainly can wreak havoc with your sex drive, that's for sure.

My Man and I went through something like this soon after we got married. We were planning a wedding when I found out I was pregnant, it was no big deal, we just moved up the wedding date a little (I needed health insurance, as I had quit my job when I moved in with him in our new house not long previously) His mother called me on the phone and accused me of get this "Trapping him." We had already been together for 7 years, we'd survived an Open Relationship and many set backs and the accusation, especially when I found out I was pregnant in the middle of wedding plans, after we had bought a house together and we finally moved in full time together, was ludicrous. His father wanted us to have a "secret" wedding (in The Church, of course, which I refused to do) the day he told them, and they held this stuff against me for a long time. His mother thawed out first (although she looks like she is going to the Gas Chamber in every picture at our wedding, when everyone else was laughing and smiling and having a great time, she pouted!) His father however, never saw my POV on anything, called me "a Pinko Communist" in front of other people, and in private (Heaven forbid I care about the poor and the downtrodden, have GLBT friends and not "hold my tongue" when something I felt was racist or sexist was said.) His father voted for GWB twice, what can I say?)

There were times when My Man did defend me and times when his father just wore him down. The Old Man died, after a long illness, and his last weeks were spent, not loving his child and grandchildren, not making for years of ignoring his wife (who had stopped sleeping in this horrible man's bed more than two decades before) not trying to get the best out of the last days. No, he spent his last weeks on Earth telling every person who came to visit his miserable self at the VA hospital JUST EXACTLY what was wrong with them, and how he always knew what fuck ups we all were and how much better our lives would have been if we had done things HIS way. It tore My Man apart, because he was losing his father and still didn't really want to go see him. I said very little about the man in those last days, but damn sure wanted to, especially when he would tear my MIL a new one in front of people. Some people are just too miserable to spend much time with, and it is hard to get your partner to realize that just because this man donated sperm for his conception he deserved time and visits when all he did was diss people and make others miserable as himself.

Wow, I just really VENTED there, but I know how you feel. I felt, when these things happened (and we were together for almost 20 years before the old bastard (his father) died) I needed to, with as little emotion as possible (that is NOT easy for me) let him know how hurt I was, and that I was HIS family now, (and eventually our children as well) we were sticking by him and if his father CHOSE to be a miserable man, that was his problem, not mine, not My Man's not anyone else's.

It sometimes worked, it really helped when his parents decided to take flight to Florida every winter, every year earlier and earlier (until they couldn't even wait until after My Man's birtday in the fall) and they were GONE for a good 6 months out of the year. It also took about 4 years after the Old Bastard died before My Man could reconcile that his father was not a perfect man, and that My Man never did and now never WOULD get recognition for what a good man he was, his father simply didn't beleive in telling anyone "Good job." or "I'm proud of you." all he could do was criticize and that was so difficult for My Man, to never get his father to recognise him as a competent and succesful as well. I think some of the problem was My Man was WAITING for his father to say SOMETHING anything kind or encouraging to him and it never did happen. After the Old Man died, it certainly never would again, he'd had his chance, and despite my fears, I kindly pointed out that it was "Game Over" and the only people who were going to really be behind My Man were his Woman and children and our good friends.

But, there were times he defended me, telling his mom "I was there when she got pregnant, Mom, it takes two. I'm just as responsible as she is, if not more." And once almost getting into a real fight with his father, when the Old Bastard was being especially vicious to me, and I left their house in tears, alone.

It did get better, (his dad dead for a while and his mother either minding her own business or spending most of her time in FLA, and him, after years, knowing I am the one who will stand by him through just about anything, not only under certain conditions, like his fickle father) but talking HAS to happen, or he's going to think you are OK with it. He really does need to defend you, but you can't "make him" do it, you can talk about it, and let him know simply how upset and the fact that you are hurt.

Sorry if I wrote a volume here, but I know what you are going through, and you two can survive it, but only if he comes to the realization that YOU are the most important person in his life and that his parent's rude behavior needs to either be completely ignored (with little contact until they stop) or by him confronting them ALONE, without you there.

Good luck. less