The New Intimacy

would you do it?

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Contributor: aBeastlyLittleThing aBeastlyLittleThing
if your partner was sexually abused when she was younger, or had been raped..[and has obvious mental issues about it]and NOW has rape fantasies...would you help her act them out?
i know this seems one-sided, but straight girl, i want your opinions too. what if you were her boyfriend? what if it were your boyfriend instead of your girlfriend?
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
i would, but only if i knew she was truly okay with it
31
i wouldn't, because of the things in her past...i know it would hurt her in the end
12
i would try to compromise...maybe some rough sex instead of "rape"
48
i would try to help her...find out what's going on in her head that's making her want that after it hurt her before...
32
other/let me explain...
14
Total votes: 137 (101 voters)
Poll is closed
03/15/2011
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Contributor: MaryExy MaryExy
If I were a guy in this situation I would want to talk about it first, then try something lighter first. If she's ok with lighter and wants to move on, I see no problem with taking baby steps towards it. That way there's time to build trust and to avoid a mental breakdown.

I think flat-out tell her no, that may make the past experiences seem oppressive, like she can't expand sexually because of it. Feeling barred by the experience even though you think you're ready to overcome it would not be good.

So yeah, my process would be...
Talk about it, start with something lighter, SLOWLY move forward (keeping an eye out for stress), then if she's ok with all of that can try the scene. And sound open and positive throughout, not like you're doubtful that she can do it.
03/25/2011
Contributor: joja joja
I would definitely want to talk about it more, but I wouldn't deny them based on their past. Rape victims aren't children, they can choose for themselves what they want to do in bed.
03/25/2011
Contributor: REDRUM REDRUM
I won't play out any rape fantasy with anyone, because I just don't think it's right.
Rough sex is okay, but that's completely different from rape.
03/30/2011
Contributor: Eden C. Eden C.
I've been in this situation before as a teen. I told her that I would go through with the rape fantasy, but after each time she requested it, I said, "Okay, but remember that you can stop me any time. If you stop enjoying it, please stop me right away."

I obviously did my best to help her get through it emotionally.

I'm not sure how it would be different if it were a man because I've never been in that situation. I like to think I would have dealt with it the same way.
04/29/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
In most people who regularly practice "rough sex" or BDSM, this type of thing is called "Ravishment Play" rather than "rape." That makes a difference between a non-consensual thing (which rape is)and a consensual one.

Ravishment Fantasies are one of the most common fantasies among women. There NOTHING "wrong with it." It's common and NORMAL. Most women probably have Ravishment Fantasies because our society tells us sex is "wrong" and in a Ravishment, one can pretend one is not making the choice to have sex, although one is.


MANY women have had rape, trauma, abuse in their backgrounds. Some of us have chosen to shed the "victim" idea, worked on ourselves, and dealt with it in a way which allows this type of play with no psychological stress. For some people, it is even therapeutic, as they ARE in control and certainly NOT a victim, as opposed to actual rape, in which one is a victim, at least during the act. Whether to remain a "victim" is up the individual. I worked on my past and choose to NOT be one.

Having a "Safe Word" and knowing you can stop at any time eases the pain and puts you in control. It can actually be quite freeing. If she has "obvious mental issues about it" then those do need to be worked on, usually in therapy in addition to self introspection.

As long as a sexual act is consensual for both partners, there is not such thing as "wrong." How can something both people agree to and enjoy be "wrong?"
04/29/2011
Contributor: authorzero authorzero
I would definitely recommend talking to her about it first and starting slow, but if she's really into it I don't see a problem. Just make sure she knows she can stop it at any time.
08/14/2011
Contributor: K101 K101
Strange. I actually was raped... it'll actually make 5 years since it happened in 2 days! So weird that I came across this as the date is only 2 days away.

Anyways I'm a female, but still voted for myself and partner. I couldn't have rape fantasies after actually being raped. I am still having a hard time with light bondage and being tied down which I do like, but the issues come up and just ruin it from time to time. My partner still worries about things because of that and there's no way he could act that out and I couldn't ever want it. I dont want to relive that shit. But maybe I'm that way because it was so violent for me. I almost died! I was beaten to a pulp and had severe rib bruising and bite marks. I still have scars on my stomach and under my right breast from him biting me and when I catch a glimpse of them I get upset. Even 5 years later I don't think I will ever have a rape fantasy or be able to even think of that. If I asked my partner to act that out for me after having it actually happen he would probably be really concerned and sad. He's lived with the nightmares of it almost as much as I have. I like being rough and being pushed on the bed, but nothing close to rape.
08/18/2011
Contributor: Kkay Kkay
As someone from the other side of it (I was sexually abused as a child), I can understand why someone would want to do this. It's about taking control of the situation.
08/18/2011
Contributor: Miss Anonymous Miss Anonymous
I would compromise. I would not want to act out any type of rape fantasys, especially if my partner has a history of rape. As someone who has suffered sexual abuse. I would NEVER want to act it out in any way, I personally feel it could do more damage than good. I would hope my partner would settle for rough sex.
08/18/2011
Contributor: Wildchild Wildchild
Quote:
Originally posted by aBeastlyLittleThing
if your partner was sexually abused when she was younger, or had been raped..[and has obvious mental issues about it]and NOW has rape fantasies...would you help her act them out?
i know this seems one-sided, but straight girl, i want your opinions ... more
My wife went thru this, let me tell you it's a freaking nightmare. She did'nt ask for the rape fantasy, she asked to be tied up. I did what she asked and she lost it. Then she told me the truth about what happened in the past. Some guy she was dating took her to a motel, tied her up and let three strangers rape her. She said that he charged these men $50.00 a person. There are times she frustrates me with her past issues, but in all fairness I can't say i have walked a mile in her shoes. She gets help, but believe me when I say she talks mor to me than a therapist and I am at a total loss for words. I realy advise anyone in this type of situation to talk them thru it and help them.
08/18/2011
Contributor: Marziba Marziba
I've been in this boat, except I wasn't raped. I was molested as a young child (five or six y/o) and coerced into losing my virginity as a younger teen (sixteen y/o). I've asked my boyfriend about it, but in the end I realize that it's best not to bring back the past because I know that being grabbed from behind triggers my fight/flight instinct and I've (quite a few times) either fisted somebody right in the mouth of elbowed their gut because they grabbed me without warning. I'd hate to know what might happen if I took this to the bedroom!
08/18/2011
Contributor: Illumin8 Illumin8
Quote:
Originally posted by joja
I would definitely want to talk about it more, but I wouldn't deny them based on their past. Rape victims aren't children, they can choose for themselves what they want to do in bed.
I think this is a fair way to deal with it. First and foremost, though, I think that the desire should be addressed straightforward and openly.
09/22/2011
Contributor: arewehavingfun? arewehavingfun?
Quote:
Originally posted by aBeastlyLittleThing
if your partner was sexually abused when she was younger, or had been raped..[and has obvious mental issues about it]and NOW has rape fantasies...would you help her act them out?
i know this seems one-sided, but straight girl, i want your opinions ... more
I would be very careful..there is a fine line.
10/10/2011
Contributor: big b big b
get por help
10/10/2011
Contributor: zeb zeb
I would like to help
10/12/2011
Contributor: carenautilus carenautilus
I'm actually the girlfriend with non-consent fantasies and a history of abuse. It's pretty common for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I don't know about rape survivors, though.

It makes sense to me. I went through a period in my life where my sexuality was not under my control. It was horrible, and traumatic, and it will always influence the way I experience sex and sexuality.

But, for me, playing with consent and submission are good. There's a model of trauma recovery that posits the theory that victims are driven to re-live the event to help make sense of it. I think that's true for me. I put myself in a situation wherein I pretend to give up control, but now I'm in my partner's hands. She loves me, and she won't hurt me, and I get to re-write my story. I'm not a victim now. I'm a survivor.
10/13/2011
Contributor: sweetcaroline sweetcaroline
definitely talk to him/her. in depth. go to couples counseling, no matter what.
11/11/2011
Contributor: Sex'и'Violence Sex'и'Violence
I'd try to help them in whatever way I could. Fetishes come about in many ways, and a "rape fantasy" is fairly common- who am I to say that that is where it was derived.
11/12/2011
Contributor: geliebt geliebt
I'd do whatever I could to be certain this was something healthy, and that it wouldn't be damaging to her. And of course, work up to it and communicate to see what is okay and what's not. If it's something she WANTS, I think it could be more harmful to just tell her no, assuming I was willing/interested in doing it with her.
12/25/2011
Contributor: Cherry21 Cherry21
Quote:
Originally posted by aBeastlyLittleThing
if your partner was sexually abused when she was younger, or had been raped..[and has obvious mental issues about it]and NOW has rape fantasies...would you help her act them out?
i know this seems one-sided, but straight girl, i want your opinions ... more
wow, tricky question. definitely talk it out, maybe some really rough sex to start with, or some bondage gear. then maybe something a little more, like at some random time he can grab her and just do her then. Maybe take it slow, and see how her head feels (we can think one way, but when things happen, it can change!). If the fantasy is still there, try it. But make sure she has a safe word, so she can do whatever (scream, squirm, try to get away), but knows if she says that word, she is still safe. and MAKE SURE YOU TRUST THE GUY!! thats the main thing, if you trust him, it'll be better.
12/28/2011
Contributor: Sublime Sublime
This is a really hard question to answer. I really don't know if I could, I guess if she got a free pass from her psychologist and was 100% fine with it and it helped her maybe. But I don't like violent sex so...
12/28/2011
Contributor: Undead Undead
Quote:
Originally posted by aBeastlyLittleThing
if your partner was sexually abused when she was younger, or had been raped..[and has obvious mental issues about it]and NOW has rape fantasies...would you help her act them out?
i know this seems one-sided, but straight girl, i want your opinions ... more
THat just seems like something a professional should deal with....
12/30/2011
Contributor: Badass Badass
I do not think I could help my partner act that out again after it had hurt them so before.
02/17/2012
Contributor: freda freda
Quote:
Originally posted by aBeastlyLittleThing
if your partner was sexually abused when she was younger, or had been raped..[and has obvious mental issues about it]and NOW has rape fantasies...would you help her act them out?
i know this seems one-sided, but straight girl, i want your opinions ... more
i would want to talk to her about it
02/19/2012
Contributor: Kaleb Kaleb
Quote:
Originally posted by aBeastlyLittleThing
if your partner was sexually abused when she was younger, or had been raped..[and has obvious mental issues about it]and NOW has rape fantasies...would you help her act them out?
i know this seems one-sided, but straight girl, i want your opinions ... more
This would need some serious counseling before you make any decisions. Possible though.
03/22/2012
Contributor: Scrawberry78 Scrawberry78
She would want to face her fears and not be scared about rape anymore. That's why she wants to act it out. She trust's you enough to want to act it out with you and know you wont purposely try to hurt her.
07/06/2012
Contributor: Queen Queen
Quote:
Originally posted by aBeastlyLittleThing
if your partner was sexually abused when she was younger, or had been raped..[and has obvious mental issues about it]and NOW has rape fantasies...would you help her act them out?
i know this seems one-sided, but straight girl, i want your opinions ... more
Only if I was a trained trauma therapist. Re-enacting of trauma can absolutely re-traumatize a person--especially if the person isn't really aware of or clear about her motivations.

I do know the need to relive past trauma, and for me it would be about having the opportunity as an adult to actually respond to the triggers and express the emotions I wasn't able to at the time.
07/07/2012
Contributor: wes wes
Quote:
Originally posted by MaryExy
If I were a guy in this situation I would want to talk about it first, then try something lighter first. If she's ok with lighter and wants to move on, I see no problem with taking baby steps towards it. That way there's time to build trust ... more
I agree with you, my gf had a trauma in the passed and we have worked threw it together slowly.
07/10/2012
Contributor: milfstatus milfstatus
I deff wouldn't do that, it will make it worse in the end!
07/21/2012