The New Intimacy

Is there a rule of thumb for dating after a relationship?

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Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
Is there a rule of thumb for how long to wait before getting into another relationship? What about dating and not looking for something long term? I've heard that you should wait half the time of the relationship...but it just seems like wasted time to me.

Thoughts?
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
There is no set time
32
You should get out as soon as you feel ready, calenders be damned!
44
Be chaste forever. It'll show that person you were meant to be together
Half the relationship time seems about right
At least a month man! Their saliva can stay in your mouth for up to three months!
That's why you get another boy/girlfriend before the relationship ends!
3
Pine to their friend and try to hook up with them in a pity play
...dancing with myself...
8
Total votes: 87 (56 voters)
Poll is closed
11/28/2011
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Contributor: Beck Beck
I do not think you should set a time limit on anything, you could potentially mess your chance with someone great, by sticking to a time limit. I think you should wait until you feel like it.
11/28/2011
Contributor: PassionateLover2 PassionateLover2
There is no set time. You might need a cooling-off period; but take whatever time to heal and then move on. In looking back on my life, there was hurt in the breakup, but having friends to support you, uplift you, and encouraging you, the sooner you can turn the page and move to the next chapter. I also saw it as a life's process, an experience many people go through; always knowing that you are not alone.
11/28/2011
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
I think it's impossible to have a set time because it all depends on the relationship and the people involved. Some relationships are over long before the break up happens, so you're pretty much ready to go as soon as the actual break up takes place. Other times, it takes time to process what happened, heal from it, learn the needed lessons and move on with no baggage. I think as a rule of thumb, if you're wanting to date because you feel lonely, or like noone will be interested in you again then it's too soon. But if you're just ready to get back out there and have some fun, and see what kind of people are out there waiting for you - then go ahead, who cares how long it's been!
11/28/2011
Contributor: Antipova Antipova
I voted for option 2, but after reading the third-to-last option I would like to include a "no set time provided your current relationship is over]." (Not that you're in danger there, but I just thought I'd make my whole thoughts clear.)

"They" say to wait half the length of the relationship that just ended... but I've had one relationship where I didn't date seriously again for more than the whole length. Didn't count as wasted because I was building myself up again. Then, I've had others where I went on a casual date the day after the breakup, and my "casual" date went on to be a lovely successful relationship in its own right.

Doesn't matter what "they" say. Matters where you are and who you meet.
11/28/2011
Contributor: Annemarie Annemarie
My rule of thumb is roughly half of the length of the relationship. That said, my previous relationship was a year and a half, and it took more than that to move on.

It depends on each individual person.
11/28/2011
Contributor: Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
You should be taking time to improve upon yourself and reflect. That's something that's much harder to do if you jump into another relationship. So my line of thinking is when you can say that's happened.
11/28/2011
Contributor: wrmbreze wrmbreze
You should go out when it feels right for you.
11/28/2011
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Half the time ... ? Shit, I didn't want to wait five years to get involved again!

Really, Jr, it's what feels right to you. If you feel like hanging out and 'just looking', do it (but make it clear that's what you're doing). If you find it's not working out, then take a break if you need to.

Recovery really boils down to how ready you feel.
11/28/2011
Contributor: voenne voenne
It's silly to set a time on it. However, right after a relationship ends you are too vulnerable and can make stupid decisions, so it's best to avoid dating until you can safely and confidently say that you are okay on your own (or even want to be on your own).

My last relationship ended a year ago, but I haven't gotten involved with anyone yet. In times of vulnerability I find myself wanting to jump into something, but as soon as I start dating again, I realize my hearts not in it. So now I feel much more rational about it and I am fine going with the flow, time aside
11/28/2011
Contributor: teachmetouchme teachmetouchme
Hey--if someone asked me out and they seemed nice, I would at least give it a try ASAP. I'm not saying it would get physical right away, but why pass up an opportunity.
11/29/2011
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
I'm asking because, even though Cyn and I broke up just over two weeks ago, a friend of mine got in touch with me. We were just friends before (2004 or so) because we were both in relationships. Now that we're both single at the same time, we're thinking it'd be a shame to let this opportunity pass.
11/29/2011
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
I'm asking because, even though Cyn and I broke up just over two weeks ago, a friend of mine got in touch with me. We were just friends before (2004 or so) because we were both in relationships. Now that we're both single at the same time, ... more
That's how Mulder got me after I kicked my ex-husband out.

Just ... be careful.
11/29/2011
Contributor: switzerland switzerland
to each their own. i started dating my man two weeks after he broke up with his ex who he had been with for 8 months. mind you, me and him were 'talking' and getting to know each other before they ended it - but he wasn't happy with her, and she wasn't with him either
11/29/2011
Contributor: js250 js250
Calenders and rules don't really have much to do with your feelings. I would wait until it feels right for you. And half a relationship???? OMG!! I couldn't date for 7.5 years if my hubby and I broke up? No...not a good rule. (That would be a rule that an ex might make up, but it is pretty rigid).

Seriously, go with your gut feeling, you know yourself better than anyone and will know when the right time is for dating. Life is short, do not make yourself miserable, find happiness!!
11/29/2011
Contributor: jedent jedent
never do anything based on what the other person's actions are. do things as you feel comfortable to do them.
11/29/2011
Contributor: Jobthingy Jobthingy
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
I'm asking because, even though Cyn and I broke up just over two weeks ago, a friend of mine got in touch with me. We were just friends before (2004 or so) because we were both in relationships. Now that we're both single at the same time, ... more
*hugs* I am sorry to hear that

What feels right? Are you going in ready to start a new chapter? Or are you feeling like this will be more of a rebound to help you get over what has happened?

I personally wait about a year. Give myself time to find me again
11/29/2011
Contributor: MrWishyWashy MrWishyWashy
I'd say this would vary. If you're ready emotionally, get back out there!
11/29/2011
Contributor: ss143 ss143
When your ready and feel its right to. Just take your time.
11/29/2011
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
I'm asking because, even though Cyn and I broke up just over two weeks ago, a friend of mine got in touch with me. We were just friends before (2004 or so) because we were both in relationships. Now that we're both single at the same time, ... more
I think I missed a few words on that one...

We were friends in 2004 or so, when we both worked together as security guards. We talked a lot and hung out outside of work. She was living with her girlfriend and I with mine at the time.
11/29/2011
Contributor: deletedacct deletedacct
It really depends on the relationship. I ended a 5-year relationship at the beginning of this year & started a new relationship mid-Summer. I feel really good about everything since my new partner is a good friend of many years and the last relationship I was in had slowly deteriorated. The breakup was mutual, we had become roommates and fell out of love. He moved on, i moved on. Just do what feels right but if there are any residual feelings then allow yourself space to avoid rebound relationships. I've heard 2 months for every year (12 months), but again, it all depends on the person. Good luck with everything JR.
11/29/2011
Contributor: EvilHomer EvilHomer
I've heard the half the time before, but I have heard it in the context of the amount of time for you to be completely over an old lover, not until you are ready for a new relationship.
11/29/2011
Contributor: Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
I think I missed a few words on that one...

We were friends in 2004 or so, when we both worked together as security guards. We talked a lot and hung out outside of work. She was living with her girlfriend and I with mine at the time.
Sounds worth pursuing, in my book.

Don't move in overnight, and take things more slowly than you would if the time tables were different---but go for it, fella!
11/29/2011
Contributor: Sinfully Sinfully
I dont think there should be a set time
11/29/2011
Contributor: ~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
There is no one set time for everyone. From what you described, the both of you are single thing, you NEED to do it. I've been in that situation and we totally regretted it. We are both separately happy with new lovers, but we still wonder what if now and again. Magical things can happen!

But yes, you do need to take at least a little time to reflect even if it is just the length of a cold shower and a cup of coffee. It doesn't matter whose fault it is for the relationship ending, there is always something you can do improve yourself so it doesn't happen again, at least not the way it did. I hope that makes sense.

But if you feel ready, totally go for it! I wish you the best of luck!
11/29/2011
Contributor: Rossie Rossie
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
I'm asking because, even though Cyn and I broke up just over two weeks ago, a friend of mine got in touch with me. We were just friends before (2004 or so) because we were both in relationships. Now that we're both single at the same time, ... more
I think it's OK to date, especially since you've known each other for such a long time. Just tread lightly, and see how things go. Perceptions can be different from when you're just friends, and when you're dating. It'll be nice if everything goes smoothly, but if you sense it's not working out, don't drag on for too long.
11/29/2011
Contributor: TheCleansing TheCleansing
When you feel ready, I think, is the best rule of thumb.
11/29/2011
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
Thank you SO MUCH for all the help!

I'm feeling much better about things!
11/30/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
I'm asking because, even though Cyn and I broke up just over two weeks ago, a friend of mine got in touch with me. We were just friends before (2004 or so) because we were both in relationships. Now that we're both single at the same time, ... more
There is no set time. Your heart knows when it's ready. Or your body does. If you're just looking for a good time and a hook up, make it clear (so broken hearts don't result) but you may find yourself falling anyway.

If I were you I wouldn't pass up the chance to hook up with someone you already know and like.

Go for it, Man!
11/30/2011
Contributor: Jul!a Jul!a
I'm going to echo everybody else and say that it's right to move on when you feel it's right to move on. If you want to give it a shot with your friend and you're both single, I say go for it. There's no real set time that people take to get over a relationship and sometimes starting a new one is the final step in getting over an old one.
11/30/2011