The New Intimacy

What do you think about "free passes" for one-night stands in otherwise monogamous relationships? - from Em and Lo

Skip to last post
Set alerts
Updates
Forum search
Contributor: danellejohns danellejohns
I am gonna go out on a limb here (only because this is one thing we have never discussed) but I agree with the majority on this. I wouldn't offer it to my husband and I do think he would be offended if I did.

I would never judge anyone if they chose differently- I do think that it would be a little odd to have not discussed the scenario before the relationship ever became committed.
01/27/2011
Contributor: CPTInsanity CPTInsanity
My wife is way to conservative to offer something like that, so I would be completely freaked out by something like that. And if we were going to bring someone from outside the marriage into it, I would want to share it with each other. I wouldn't want to just go bang some random chick, nor would I want my wife to do the same.
01/28/2011
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
I would never offer such a thing to my man, and he would never offer it to me. (Even if he did, I wouldn't take him up on it.) Like others have said, we are monogamous because we want to be, and we've both made a promise to each other to be such because we wanted to.
01/28/2011
Contributor: happyutahcouple happyutahcouple
This makes me think of the years I have been married and all of the things I have learned about my partner. Our likes, dislikes, turn ons, turn offs, and all the other special things we share between the two of us.

I then think about what it would be like to be outside of the situation of something as intimate as our sexual lives and how I would act or treat another person whom I didn't share the love, connection, and long term commitment to.

Once I think of it like this the "free pass" for a one night stand is a complete turn off. I wouldn't know how to treat another person and I wouldn't feel right doing or using the techniques that were developed and nurtured through the years with my partner.

When we are in a rough patch it can sometimes be hard to want to be intimate with each other. We all have our rough times. Everyone who has been in a serious relationship knows though how wonderful it is to be able to get back to a wonder place with your partner and how great it feels to know that you are the only ones who share something special and intimate.

A fantasy of being with someone else? I think we all have that from time to time. We are all human, the difference is, as mentioned previously, is that we want and choose to be monogamous and when you have a special love and connection with one person it is really hard to want to go outside that.
01/30/2011
Contributor: Kaltir Kaltir
I'd never even consider it. If you're in need of a one night pass, you're in need of being with a swinger. I'm no swinger.
02/07/2011
Contributor: VieuxCarre VieuxCarre
No way. We're monogamous and don't need anyone else.
02/07/2011
Contributor: ImSteve ImSteve
In addition to all the great responses to our voluntary commitments to one another (married 32 years), I can't imagine the awkwardness of being with a stranger. I think it's much more rewarding to be able to truly satisfy one another and it's so much fun hitting all the right "buttons".
02/07/2011
Contributor: Black Irish Black Irish
Sure we have made our famous person "free pass" but that is completely differant from a person who you know "free pass". I'm afraid I have to agree with most of the people here there are no "free passes" someone is going to pay for it and it's usually painful.
03/10/2011
Contributor: Taylor Martin Taylor Martin
my wife and I have talked about this at length, we are committed to each other totally and completely, having said that we have given each other a "free pass" as long as we discuss it first. Neither one of us have used this "free pass" to date, and I really don't think that either one of us will in the future. Its almost a way of telling each other that we trust the other to do the right thing for the relationship because we are so much in love.
03/11/2011
Contributor: tammyandy69 tammyandy69
A free pass sounds more like a trap than a free pass. It's a test that either way there is a failing grade. If you take it..there is no way the one offering it will feel good about it, or the offering person has a wish for you to give one back Which means they want something they are afraid to ask for. Not good anyway you slice it. Better to just open the relationship and be free to be with who fits into the rules of the open relationship.
03/12/2011
Contributor: KrystalFayeO KrystalFayeO
I would never offer it, and I know my husband wouldn't ever take me up if I did.
04/04/2011
Contributor: clp clp
Quote:
Originally posted by Vaccinium
My wife and I have completely different feelings on this. She's totally against it. I feel that sex outside marriage is fine so long as it is just that-- sex. For example, if she's out-of-town and gets horny and wants to sleep with some ... more
Wholeheartedly agree with this. I ultimately think of sex as just sex, and if a couple carefully explored their options and found this idea to be one of them, its really not for anyone else to say it would or wouldn't work. The only opinion that matters is your partners--if they are staunchly opposed, the book is closed. If they are receptive (now, or perhaps at some point in the future), there is nothing wrong with it.

I think it is most important to stay flexible and not have pre-formed opinions on what is and isn't acceptable. There's no telling what will be right for you and yours in the future, and boxing yourself in ahead of time only limits your options of survival. That is the ultimate goal, isn't it?
04/04/2011
Contributor: tickle me pink tickle me pink
Quote:
Originally posted by Alicia
No, would not offer it to my husband, and I'm pretty sure he'd be offended if I did. See, we're not monogomous because we HAVE to be, we're monogomous because we want to be. We don't want to be with anyone else. Neither one of ... more
I really don't think I could have said it better myself! Neither of us would offer and neither of us would accept anyway.
04/05/2011
Contributor: mrs.mckrakn mrs.mckrakn
Quote:
Originally posted by Em & Lo
This week on EMandLO.com, we asked our Wise Guys this question: “If a guy’s partner told him that he could have a one-night stand with a stranger, no questions asked, and it was guaranteed that his partner wouldn’t freak out about it later — would ... more
Bad idea....
04/15/2011
Contributor: purplekidney purplekidney
She: It would definitely not be a free pass, and I think neither of us would be very comfortable with the idea. I agree with Alicia - we're in a monogamous relationship because that's what we want. A "free pass" sort of disregards that.

He: My free pass is Cortana.

She: Oh, except for her. I get Natalie Portman then

He: Woah woah woah, you get a real person? Threesome or nothing.
04/15/2011
Contributor: K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by Alicia
No, would not offer it to my husband, and I'm pretty sure he'd be offended if I did. See, we're not monogomous because we HAVE to be, we're monogomous because we want to be. We don't want to be with anyone else. Neither one of ... more
Wow! I could not have described mine and my partner's relationship any better! This is almost exactly my response! We have no desire for anyone but each other. Thats true love So glad to see someone else out there like us! I thought we were the only couple left who were totally momogamous!
04/19/2011
Contributor: K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by ScottA
Don't think it's a good idea. If you're in a monogamous committed relationship you shouldn't go throwing "it's off for tonight" type things in there. Keep it monogamous, keep it committed, and it will last better.
Amen to that!
04/19/2011
Contributor: Lithaewyn Lithaewyn
Uh, no. I think this is a silly question to ask. When a couple is in a monogamous relationship, that's what it is. Of course, there's always the chance a couple could change their minds and desire a more open relationship, but then it's not monogamy.

I'd be very upset if that was my partner's way of opening up our relationship because what I entered was a monogamous, committed relationship and that's a pretty rough way to go about opening it.
04/19/2011