I wouldn't buy a car without a test drive. I don't declare someone my "best friend" until I know them well and know that we are "compatible for shopping" . I certainly wouldn't marry someone or enter into a Civil Union until I knew we were sexually compatible.

IMO, sexual compatibility is essential to any partner relationship.

Sex takes up a huge amount of how you relate to each other, it relieves tension, it helps solve problems and it is a way to enjoy yourself and an other person. I wouldn't ever get into a relationship until I KNEW that person and I were on the same wavelength sexually.

Of course, you can "learn." But, I don't know if you can change drastically your libido, and you certainly can't change your preference. What if you realize you like slow and gentle sex ALL the time and you marry someone who you find out after the wedding is into rough stuff, spankings, etc? What if you enjoy and/or need sex toys in order to make sex satisfying and you find out after the wedding your partner "doesn't believe in them?" It wouldn't work and both of you would be miserable.

What if one of the couple has a low libido, want sex only once a week or less, and the other wants it every day. Both people are going to be resentful. it is no different than one person who spends money like crazy marrying someone who is a miser. It doesn't work.

Both my husband and I feel that love AND sex are the basis of our relationship. We both have high sex drives and were happy we found each other. The times we had the most strife was when the sex wasn't good (say, when we had a small baby, and I had a low libido, or when I was on Depo Provera and had NO libido. I get resentful when he occasionally puts off sex, (which I found was due to an ED scare, which we resolved) but it was a terrible two weeks. I don't believe "love conquers all" if that were true, nobody would break up. There is a lot more to a relationship than just "love." And basic compatibility in important areas are necessary for the health of a relationship.

I think making sure one is completely compatible as possible before making a commitment. less

This is for everyone who said they wouldn't have married their spouse if the sex weren't good.

You don't have enough else going for you two? If you were weak in the sex department you would have abandoned everything?

Its easy to say that you wouldn't marry someone if the sex weren't good when you have a good sex life with your spouse.

For me, I felt an instant deep connection with my husband from the first phone conversation, like we had known each other all our lives. I've never felt that way about anyone else. And he has so many good qualities. I can't imagine throwing that away for one little thing. OK, one big thing, but still.

I hope I don't sound like I'm attacking people. I'm just having trouble wrapping my brain around the idea of sacrificing all the other excellent aspects of a relationship for a weakness in one area. less

This is for everyone who said they wouldn't have married their spouse if the sex weren't good.

You don't have enough else going for you two? If you were weak in the sex department you would have abandoned everything?

Its easy to say that you wouldn't marry someone if the sex weren't good when you have a good sex life with your spouse.

For me, I felt an instant deep connection with my husband from the first phone conversation, like we had known each other all our lives. I've never felt that way about anyone else. And he has so many good qualities. I can't imagine throwing that away for one little thing. OK, one big thing, but still.

I hope I don't sound like I'm attacking people. I'm just having trouble wrapping my brain around the idea of sacrificing all the other excellent aspects of a relationship for a weakness in one area. less

This is for everyone who said they wouldn't have married their spouse if the sex weren't good.

You don't have enough else going for you two? If you were weak in the sex department you would have abandoned everything?

Its easy to say that you wouldn't marry someone if the sex weren't good when you have a good sex life with your spouse.

For me, I felt an instant deep connection with my husband from the first phone conversation, like we had known each other all our lives. I've never felt that way about anyone else. And he has so many good qualities. I can't imagine throwing that away for one little thing. OK, one big thing, but still.

I hope I don't sound like I'm attacking people. I'm just having trouble wrapping my brain around the idea of sacrificing all the other excellent aspects of a relationship for a weakness in one area. less

I don't want to dominate the discussion - but we're a lot like P'Gell and her husband.

For obvious reasons both intellectually and chemically, the closeness and bond you feel with your partner after having a satisfying sexual experience is so much more powerful than say - going to dinner or a movie - or both. Sure spending time together is nice - but honestly the rush of oxytocin and endorphins through orgasm is truly the glue that keeps us strong.

For a long time my wife was all concerned that we didn't spend enough time together. She shopped - I golfed. She went to the movies - I went for a hike or bike ride. But once she figured out that I would pass up any activity to give her multiple orgasms - the light went on and we've been on a roll ever since.

To borrow a phrase - mileage and all that! less

These results are definitely what I expected... My perspective is, if you're in love with someone-I mean truly LOVE them, not just lust-then good sex comes naturally. If it needs improvement, that's where talking comes in. And for things that can't be changed, like penis size or whether someone is willing to try anal, for example...in my opinion they are not that important if the love is true. I can say this because I've been in both situations with my hubby both before and after marriage. I'll be honest and say the sex was not that good in the beginning-but I'm glad I didn't weed him out just because of that. We're very open with each other in general, and we were able to talk about it and there's been a lot of improvement. Now we're to the point where I want to try something he doesn't, but I'm not going to get divorced or cheat on him just so I can do what I want-our love is much deeper than that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the marriages that fall apart because of sexual incompatibility, were probably based more on sex itself than true love.

My reason for believing that sex is best within marriage-and I know this comes across as old fashioned, and that's ok-is all the problems caused by uncommitted sex. Unwanted pregnancies, STD's, not to mention heartache. When someone is fully committed to you, you feel so much more at ease about giving yourself totally to them- at least I do. I do regret losing my virginity before marriage. It's not something I beat myself up over 24/7, but in the back of my mind I know it would've been better that way. I feel like I lost something with that person that I can never get back. less

This is for everyone who said they wouldn't have married their spouse if the sex weren't good.

You don't have enough else going for you two? If you were weak in the sex department you would have abandoned everything?

Its easy to say that you wouldn't marry someone if the sex weren't good when you have a good sex life with your spouse.

For me, I felt an instant deep connection with my husband from the first phone conversation, like we had known each other all our lives. I've never felt that way about anyone else. And he has so many good qualities. I can't imagine throwing that away for one little thing. OK, one big thing, but still.

I hope I don't sound like I'm attacking people. I'm just having trouble wrapping my brain around the idea of sacrificing all the other excellent aspects of a relationship for a weakness in one area. less

I agree with you Tuesday.

Sex is great, and good sexual compatibility is important. But I agree, the gray matter is more important to me overall. Plus. I've got boxes filled with toys.

If I suddenly fall for a man who said he'd like to wait, I'd wait. BUT I would make sure that we'd talk about our preferences first. Then make a list that I would be able to tick off to make sure I get all the thoughts and fantasies done... but then I'd add more and more. And then do some twice after we were married.

But my bottom line... I love sex. But it is not the be all and end all in a relationship. less

I remember having this conversation with a table full of girls in the cafeteria at my high school. We were all loudly discussing it and arguing, when all of a sudden...the really, really quiet, paralyzingly shy girl pipes up...

"Well, you wouldn't buy a car without test driving it first!"

It went dead silent and then we all just about died laughing.

It's so true. I really believe that waiting until marriage to have sex is a horrible, ineffective, and antiquated idea. You won't know what you want or what you like. You're just setting yourself to have intimacy and compatibility problems, in so many ways. less

Waiting til you're married to have sex is not only a beautiful thing, but also helps to ensure a healthy relationship.. You never have to worry about std's or if your spouse ever thinks about another partner from the past, and you never have to compare so you and your spouse will be the most amazing thing you ever felt and person you've ever experienced. If you have the attitude that you have to have sex with someone before you marry them to compare them and know how they are, then isn't that unfair to them, and wouldn't that mean that you're really deep down only in it for the sex.. My husband and I tried to wait til we were married to have sex and didn't.. and although I dont ever regret being with him or a single time I made love to him.. there are times I wish we had waited.. however I never had this idea that I HAD to have sex with him first and know what he was like before I could marry him, thats not love.. and Im surprised at the amount of people that think they need to experience everyone they can so they can compare and pick the best one.. thats not looking for love.. thats looking for a great lay.. no wonder divorce rates are so high. less

Yes but to marry someone because they please you better than anyone else is not why you should marry someone.. Thing is I can have the most amazing sex I've ever had with my husband one night, and the next night its not very great at all, and then the next night its even more amazing than the first. You will never find someone that pleases you in bed every single time. Because different things will cause you to react differently. Lack of sleep, changing birth controls, eating certain foods can all cause make it near impossible for you to orgazim no matter what you're man does, and for a guy its the same thing, lack of sleep, over-working yourself, eating certain foods can lower your testostrum.. ect. And for females, if you ever have a baby.. pregnancy is a whole hormonal rollercoaster.. where one day you cant get enough sex, the next you dont enjoy it at all. And where we Men and Women may not get moody or notice the change in hormone balance, our body does. And sometimes you're partner can be doing everything just right, but you're body is just not responding like it should. Im just saying, sex should not be our reason for marrying somebody.. you should marry someone because you love that person and who that person is, and you want to be with that person.. sex should just be the bonus you get to enjoy with the person you love. less

Waiting until marriage in no way "guarantees a good marriage." My parents waited until they were married, married as virgins and found out they were absolutely sexually incompatible and ended up miserable, sad, fighting and eventually divorced. THIS is so common, it effects virtually every couple I know who "waited." Eventually.

When you have sexual experience and are mature you NEVER "compare" your current lover to others while you are in bed. Not if you have your head on straight. But, choosing a mate based on sexual compatibility is as important as choosing them for any other thing they value as much as you do. You choose a mate because of their values (usually) and sex is one of those, a BIG one.

And I had My Man first then had an Open Relationship, saw and had sex with other men, and then My Man and I began a closed relationship a number of years later, after I had sown some wild oats, and finished college. (He's older than I am and had experience first, as well as during the Open Relationship.)

I look at it in the way that I would never buy a car without a test drive, nor would I buy a house without several walk throughs and an inspection before buying. Marriage is often a life long decision, and you need to be sure in ALL things. Finding out after you are married that you aren't compatible has to be one of the most frustrating and soul destroying things known.

Maybe it works for you, but you can't say it "helps to ensure a healthy relationship" because it simply doesn't for everyone. I know too many "virgin marriages" who ended up in disaster and sadness and looking back thinking "what did I miss?" If you and your partner are compatible that's great, but many people are quite happy looking for someone and sampling what people have to offer, sexually and otherwise before signing their lives away.

My Man and I are together BECAUSE we know we are compatible in most spheres, sexually as well as other ways. We know from experience. We didn't guess. There is no way we could have known this if we hadn't had sex with each other AND with other people first. Sex is one of the things that holds us together, and is one of the best and most important things in our marriage, so it matters to us. No, it isn't perfect every time. No mature person would expect that. But, we know enough about sex and about each other to know it can be amazing and will be again.

I know few, if any couples who are sexually incompatible and are happy with the other parts of their marriage. Sexual frustration seeps into every pore of a marriage, can and does ruin and destroy relationships all the time. less