I don't know you and your whole situation, so I don't know how much help I could be. All I can do is relate my own feelings and experiences.

I love my husband very, very, very, very much, but I wasn't satisfied with our sex life. It wasn't his fault or my fault. It was only a matter of drive. My sexual frustration would bring me to tears (I would cry when he wasn't around), but I was afraid of telling him for fear of crushing him. I knew I saw things differently from him, and I didn't think he would understand. Eventually, it got to where I couldn't hold back my tears, and he saw me crying often. He prodded me for answers, which I evaded. I told him it had nothing to do with him, that I was going through a phase. After several months, he sat me down and told me that I could tell him anything and that he just wanted me to be happy. I finally explained to him my quandary, that I loved him and I didn't want to hurt him, but I wasn't satisfied.

He surprised me by taking it very well, and giving me reign to explore sexual relationships with other people. We've had a sexually open relationship for a while now, and so far it's gone smoothly. I'm certainly not saying that will be the case for everyone, though.

At this point, it's my personal opinion that it's ridiculous to EXPECT one person to completely fulfill any aspect of someone's life. People usually have no qualms with their significant others having (non-sexual) friends, which help satisfy emotional needs...it's the view of so many people that it's fine for their loved ones to seek solace in the minds of others as long as they "own" their bodies. It seems strange what things people will take personally and what they won't.

All that aside, it may not be the healthiest of circumstances if she has a specific person in mind...though the fact that she told you is a very good sign.

I say try to stay in the loop - try to set a 3-some and see that works?

Follow up: She was having an emotional affair. We're working things out now. I was really hurt.

Follow up: Warning, when your spouse says she wants to have an affair she probably already is having one. I had to find out the hard way. I think the shock caused me to actually and stupidly consider an open marriage situation since I didn't want to loose her. Compromising everything that we are and stand for. So after being the perfect couple, we're more the precautionary tale.

After a year that has been painful and hard, we are trying to work things out. An "affair" is nothing but full blown adultery. It's not pretty, it's not nice, it's not a vacation.

Ouch when I read this was from 2012 I was hopping it just got brought up again by some random person. I'm sorry to see about your update and I know that must be hard for you. Even if it wasn't cheating the trust issues alone would still be there.

I recommend this site:

Chumplady.com

She is no-nonsense with cheaters. I warn you, she is not friendly with the idea of reconciliation because she tried that herself and it was a failure both times. Nearly all the members of the blog also tried reconciling and each and every one of them failed with that too.

Real, true reconciliation after an affair is extremely difficult and very rare. The distrust, the newly imposed rules for going places and who you can talk to, enforcing transparency that should have already been there in the first place. And what if it just turns out to be the silence in between discoveries of affairs? She expects you to trust her that she ended the affair, but how can you really?

The person that does not deserve any kind of sympathy here is HER. The person that had the affair. So she told you she wanted to have an affair....after she'd already started one. That's not considerate of your feelings. That's like your friend borrowing your car and not asking if she could use it until after she wrecked it. Or a little kid eating a cookie before dinner and then asking her mom if she can have one after too.

Thanks guys. I appreciate the support. There's lots involved and she's in major depression because of the guilt of it all. Reconciliation is NOT easy. I just wanted to follow up on this so maybe it can save other relationships?

Oh wow. At first I was going to reply try going to a club and let her flirt and dance with another guy to see if you could handle that. But after reading ..... wow I guess one is never prepare for the emotions one is going to feel. You both obviously love each other a lot since you both are choosing to stay and make it work.

I suggest you go to counseling to help you both cope with this better, put it behind you (if possible) and work on having a better relationship.

Post like this is what I about EF, being able to post with out fear and know that others will not judge you but give you their honest opinions.

Follow up:
Still working on it. It's been devastating to our home and not to mention me. Nothing's back to 100% normal, but we're trying on improving.

It will never be back to 100%. Even if you stay together for another five years, you will never forget the infidelity. There will be the relationship before she cheated, and the relationship after. "Reconciliation" after the cheating often ends in a feeling of floating through purgatory at best and disaster at worst.

You've been working on this since last year and it's still been devastating to you. You shouldn't still be "trying on improving." She either wants to improve or she doesn't. She's shown you what she wants both by cheating and by still devastating you a year after. She's shown you who she is. Believe her.

For the record, I know I sound really, really harsh. But I'm not trying to be.

I've been there with cheating and "reconciliation" and I know the feeling of devastation and really wanting to save the relationship.

But speaking realistically, it's not going to get back to where you once were. It's better to cut your losses and find a relationship where you don't have to do the battle with infidelity and fight the pain after the fact.

Find out what made the think of this. Is it someone specific swaying her mind or just general unsatisfaction with something?

I think if you try to figure out why she did it, it will just be a waste of your energy and make you feel worse. It will also be an opportunity for her to blame you for her shitty choices and not take responsibility.

We're just going through this ourselves when I made the same confession to my SO and had to reinforce it by repeating it twice. The first time I simply said my eyes had been wandering to other men the second time I said flat out I was thinking of having an affair. While I never had I could not seem to find a way to get my SO to take me seriously whenever I attempted to communicate with him.

I had been feeling alone and isolated after many years of marriage, holding hands even never happened when walking outside in public and at home we're usually 2-3 rooms apart. I no longer felt wanted, needed or desired. Besides intimacy which is now becoming too infrequent, it was the only time we ever touched. Finally getting up the courage I expressed myself in clearer more descriptive terms.

We're more in contact with each other as a result but it is still a work in progress and sometimes a battle often tiring me wondering if it is truly worth it. Still after many years of trust I know he is a good and kind man, we just fell into a rut each doing our own thing, the responsibility of this happening on my shoulders as well allowing it to happen for so long.

You say initially you have a great relationship between the two of you, how great is it if she's thinking of having an affair? After confessing honestly to you, you say you feel broken and I can imagine my SO feeling the same way but if he doesn't express himself to me how am I to know? In my case, my needs weren't being met, as a touchy feely individual I just felt no connection or bond with my husband other than the piece of paper that says we're married for over a quarter of a century.

I'm sorry for the hurt you feel as I think my husband feels but unless he talks to me plainly about it how can I express my reasons why? By the way, I'm still waiting for more discussion but am not confident he will ever initiate it and believe instead he feels everything is just perfect now between us. Believe me its far from it.

Thanks for the follow-ups, it gives me hope that our home situation will improve as well.