Is it cheating when... - Created by PropertyOfPotter on Jun 05, 2013: EdenFantasys Forum

surreptitious

Quote:

Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter

They've had a really up and down relationship. They've been together since high school and this past summer separated for two months. During that time he slept with at least three other women (and wasn't afraid to share graphic details ... more

They've had a really up and down relationship. They've been together since high school and this past summer separated for two months. During that time he slept with at least three other women (and wasn't afraid to share graphic details with my husband and I about it), and she had no idea and was crying to me about how much she missed him. After they decided to work things out, she found out from a friend that he had slept with ONE women while they were separated and it broke her heart. She confronted him about it, and he lied and said it was only one girl, it was only once, and he didn't even enjoy it; all TOTAL lies. She was able to process this since it was one girl, and only one occasion (at least that's what she was told), but he has said to us that she will never find out about the others or how long he was seeing that girl for. He told us before they separated that he felt like he was missing out on something 'better' because he had been with her for over 10 years. He lies to her about a lot of things, yet got upset with her when he found out she had been keeping something from him. They have an extremely dysfunctional relationship, but they have a 2 year old son and I know they want to work it out at least for him. I told them both when they separated last summer that I would do what I could to help with their son and be a support to both of them. I promised that I wouldn't share any information they told me, with the other person. I can't tell her about this; we haven't really talked since they've been back together since I was pretty much just her counselor while they were having issues, and because of the promise I made. I did talk with my husband about it, and he agreed that it was totally inappropriate behavior, but he's not surprised about it either. That's just the way this guy is, and she knows it too. The first time we hung out with them he was calling, "Dump it out!" to girls across the parking lot and ended up joking with me about flashing him as well - RIGHT in front of her!

I know if I were her and found out about this, I would feel as though I had been cheated on. Like I said, I don't know if he is specifically engaging in sexual acts with these women, but he did mention that it's available and I know he goes quite frequently. Just sad. less

I would be going crazy if I had promised to keep that a secret. Even if they want to make it work for their child, if there's any way that you can talk to her about what a piece of walking filth this guy seems to be without bringing up anything that you've promised to keep silent, I think that it would be SO much better for her in the long run. Knowing that something like that is happening and having to keep it confidential is one of the reasons that I never took my psychology degree on to Graduate School - I'd just take a baseball bat to him and be done with it.

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06/06/2013

Zombirella

Quote:

Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter

They've had a really up and down relationship. They've been together since high school and this past summer separated for two months. During that time he slept with at least three other women (and wasn't afraid to share graphic details ... more

They've had a really up and down relationship. They've been together since high school and this past summer separated for two months. During that time he slept with at least three other women (and wasn't afraid to share graphic details with my husband and I about it), and she had no idea and was crying to me about how much she missed him. After they decided to work things out, she found out from a friend that he had slept with ONE women while they were separated and it broke her heart. She confronted him about it, and he lied and said it was only one girl, it was only once, and he didn't even enjoy it; all TOTAL lies. She was able to process this since it was one girl, and only one occasion (at least that's what she was told), but he has said to us that she will never find out about the others or how long he was seeing that girl for. He told us before they separated that he felt like he was missing out on something 'better' because he had been with her for over 10 years. He lies to her about a lot of things, yet got upset with her when he found out she had been keeping something from him. They have an extremely dysfunctional relationship, but they have a 2 year old son and I know they want to work it out at least for him. I told them both when they separated last summer that I would do what I could to help with their son and be a support to both of them. I promised that I wouldn't share any information they told me, with the other person. I can't tell her about this; we haven't really talked since they've been back together since I was pretty much just her counselor while they were having issues, and because of the promise I made. I did talk with my husband about it, and he agreed that it was totally inappropriate behavior, but he's not surprised about it either. That's just the way this guy is, and she knows it too. The first time we hung out with them he was calling, "Dump it out!" to girls across the parking lot and ended up joking with me about flashing him as well - RIGHT in front of her!

I know if I were her and found out about this, I would feel as though I had been cheated on. Like I said, I don't know if he is specifically engaging in sexual acts with these women, but he did mention that it's available and I know he goes quite frequently. Just sad. less

I don't care what promise I made. I would tell her because I would want someone to tell me. His behavior is completely ridiculous and he doesn't deserve her. He sounds like an arrogant prick. One of my exes and I had a friend, he told me he wouldn't ever let anything happen when he was around if he ever found out he was cheating that he would tell me. Well, when all hell broke loose when I found out A LOT of crap, turns out that guy knew, and knew it happened more than once and didn't tell me! When I confronted him he didn't have anything to say. Needless to say I'm not with the abusive douchebag and I'm not friends with that guy anymore either.

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06/06/2013

Ansley

Quote:

Originally posted by Zombirella

I don't care what promise I made. I would tell her because I would want someone to tell me. His behavior is completely ridiculous and he doesn't deserve her. He sounds like an arrogant prick. One of my exes and I had a friend, he told me he ... more

Speaking from personal experience here...

My brother in law hit on me on the balcony of the honey moon suite he and my sister would be sharing, just moments before he married her. I didn't say anything...about two years later, BIL and I got into a wicked fight because I accused a mutual friend of hitting on my husband. This sent my BIL into a wicked state of rage...why? Because he was fucking said mutual friend behind my sister's back. It didn't come out then, but we had tried millions of times to get my sister to leave him - due to drug use, sexual addiction and just being an overall dick. She wouldn't listen, not only would she not listen but after that fight she didn't speak to me until three years later when she found out his banging her other best friend.

So the short of the long is, that opening up and revealing this kind of stuff is a crapshoot either way and it's really hard to tell which side you'll end up on. It will all come to light and PoP is in a right tight spot here because she's known longer than five minutes and hasn't said anything so she's really in between a rock and a hard place here.

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06/06/2013

geliebt

My opinion:

It's not cheating, no. Cheating in my eyes is having some sort of emotional, physical, sexual connection with someone else behind your partner's back, that you should be having with your PARTNER and not someone else.

But it IS dishonest and dishonesty is a death sentence for a relationship (in my eyes, anyway). If one party is uncomfortable with something, it should either be discussed in a reasonable manner, or the other party should respect the wishes of their partner and not do it. Going to a strip club when you KNOW your partner won't like it and is uncomfortable with it is not a great way to go.

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06/06/2013

Lavendar

its wrong but not cheating

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06/06/2013

Pierced Blaqk Skies

Quote:

Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter

I always see threads that start off with that question and I always tell myself that you have to ask, than it probably is. But we had some friends over last night and something was discussed and I honestly wasn't sure.

If you're in a ... more

I believe it's very dishonest but not cheating.

Either way I wouldn't be a happy camper. Good thing my guy isn't interested in strippers! I am, but if he didn't want me to go, I wouldn't.

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06/06/2013

K101

Quote:

Originally posted by Zombirella

I feel the exact same way with my relationship that you do about your relationship. I also agree with everything you said here!

Aw! Wow. That's really awesome to hear. Actually. It's even relieving to know there's others out there who can see where you come from. I was reading your comments above and the whole time I was shaking my head like "yes!" Perfectly said, Zombirella.

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06/07/2013

K101

Quote:

Originally posted by Ansley

We finally agree on something!!!

Seriously, any time you're not giving someone a chance to make their own decision in a relationship, you are cheating them and after reading PoP's update on the matter I think this guy is a ... more

Yay!

Yes, the more I read about the guy, the more I get the feeling he's no good as well! About your last post, PoP, that is really sad. It makes me feel bad anytime I hear of someone being hurt so much like that. That's really a long time to be with someone, so I can imagine that is hard for her. Gosh. I could not imagine.

And back to Zombirella (sorry to keep on), that is so sad about your friend with HPV! I'm so sorry. You would think people would be just a tiny bit more considerate of not only the emotional and mental damage, but the physical damages too, like the disease and such. It looks like they would at least consider what they could be passing around to people. IMO, if you can't be faithful, you ain't got any business being in a serious relationship.

PoP, it sounds like you're an amazing friend to her & I can tell you care deeply about your friend.

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06/07/2013

PropertyOfPotter

First and foremost, this guy is my husband's friend. They have known each other since they were still in diapers. They've been through a lot together, went through a lot of crap during their teen years, and while my husband was growing up, he was still living for himself and being childish. He and his girlfriend both have suffered from drug addiction, and for a while I guess he was physical abusive (not since I've known them, but it's not surprising). They stayed together and worked through it for the most part. She isn't a saint, but she doesn't deserve the treatment she receives and I would have already left if I were in her shoes. Last summer, I tried telling her that this was her chance to move forward, that she deserved to have someone that cared about her, etc. I tried telling her that this guy doesn't deserve her and I didn't see him ever changing. A few months later, they were back together and since things weren't 'bad' I didn't hear from her anymore. I saw her for a little while last month when we stopped by their house and she said things were going okay with them. I see him more often 'cause he comes to our house sometimes.

We aren't close, her boyfriend is my husband's friend. I AM in a tough spot, but I can't go back on my promise. I don't know if he would have said something about it if he though I would tell her. I keep my word and while it's a challenge in this situation, I still honor what I said. I have thought about just talking with her, but it would be odd after only seeing her once over the past eight months and it's stuff I've already said to her. He's not a great guy. He's a pig and he's childish. He was joking the whole time about how he doesn't have to do anything for his son 'cause she does it all. Stuff like that pisses me off, especially because I'm a mom.

He needs help...she needs help, but the fact is, neither of them are going to get it. All I can do is just be a support if needed. You all might think that's really wrong of me, and that's okay. I stand by my word and am solid in that. I have talked with my husband about having a chat with him about how it's wrong, hopefully that discussion will do something, but I highly doubt it.

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06/07/2013

KrissyNovacaine

Quote:

Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter

First and foremost, this guy is my husband's friend. They have known each other since they were still in diapers. They've been through a lot together, went through a lot of crap during their teen years, and while my husband was growing up, ... more

First and foremost, this guy is my husband's friend. They have known each other since they were still in diapers. They've been through a lot together, went through a lot of crap during their teen years, and while my husband was growing up, he was still living for himself and being childish. He and his girlfriend both have suffered from drug addiction, and for a while I guess he was physical abusive (not since I've known them, but it's not surprising). They stayed together and worked through it for the most part. She isn't a saint, but she doesn't deserve the treatment she receives and I would have already left if I were in her shoes. Last summer, I tried telling her that this was her chance to move forward, that she deserved to have someone that cared about her, etc. I tried telling her that this guy doesn't deserve her and I didn't see him ever changing. A few months later, they were back together and since things weren't 'bad' I didn't hear from her anymore. I saw her for a little while last month when we stopped by their house and she said things were going okay with them. I see him more often 'cause he comes to our house sometimes.

We aren't close, her boyfriend is my husband's friend. I AM in a tough spot, but I can't go back on my promise. I don't know if he would have said something about it if he though I would tell her. I keep my word and while it's a challenge in this situation, I still honor what I said. I have thought about just talking with her, but it would be odd after only seeing her once over the past eight months and it's stuff I've already said to her. He's not a great guy. He's a pig and he's childish. He was joking the whole time about how he doesn't have to do anything for his son 'cause she does it all. Stuff like that pisses me off, especially because I'm a mom.

He needs help...she needs help, but the fact is, neither of them are going to get it. All I can do is just be a support if needed. You all might think that's really wrong of me, and that's okay. I stand by my word and am solid in that. I have talked with my husband about having a chat with him about how it's wrong, hopefully that discussion will do something, but I highly doubt it. less

Keep your integrity. Also know, that she has to have an idea of what this guy is like, and she chooses to not find out. She chooses to stay.

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06/07/2013

PassionCpl

A strip club? Yep, I'd see that as cheating. Just a regular bar? No, that's deceiving. But when there's a sexual element then yes, I consider it cheating, whether you're having sex or not.

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06/07/2013

Zombirella

Quote:

Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter

First and foremost, this guy is my husband's friend. They have known each other since they were still in diapers. They've been through a lot together, went through a lot of crap during their teen years, and while my husband was growing up, ... more

First and foremost, this guy is my husband's friend. They have known each other since they were still in diapers. They've been through a lot together, went through a lot of crap during their teen years, and while my husband was growing up, he was still living for himself and being childish. He and his girlfriend both have suffered from drug addiction, and for a while I guess he was physical abusive (not since I've known them, but it's not surprising). They stayed together and worked through it for the most part. She isn't a saint, but she doesn't deserve the treatment she receives and I would have already left if I were in her shoes. Last summer, I tried telling her that this was her chance to move forward, that she deserved to have someone that cared about her, etc. I tried telling her that this guy doesn't deserve her and I didn't see him ever changing. A few months later, they were back together and since things weren't 'bad' I didn't hear from her anymore. I saw her for a little while last month when we stopped by their house and she said things were going okay with them. I see him more often 'cause he comes to our house sometimes.

We aren't close, her boyfriend is my husband's friend. I AM in a tough spot, but I can't go back on my promise. I don't know if he would have said something about it if he though I would tell her. I keep my word and while it's a challenge in this situation, I still honor what I said. I have thought about just talking with her, but it would be odd after only seeing her once over the past eight months and it's stuff I've already said to her. He's not a great guy. He's a pig and he's childish. He was joking the whole time about how he doesn't have to do anything for his son 'cause she does it all. Stuff like that pisses me off, especially because I'm a mom.

He needs help...she needs help, but the fact is, neither of them are going to get it. All I can do is just be a support if needed. You all might think that's really wrong of me, and that's okay. I stand by my word and am solid in that. I have talked with my husband about having a chat with him about how it's wrong, hopefully that discussion will do something, but I highly doubt it. less

Wow, they sound like a mess. That's really sad .

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06/07/2013

Septimus

I don't really want to make a judgment call about what's right or wrong for someone else's relationship.
I can say that if I asked my partner not to do something (anything) because it made me uncomfortable, and he kept doing it, I'd be upset.

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06/07/2013

never shy

I would say its wrong but not cheating as long as that person doesn't kiss or have sex

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06/07/2013

Leather & Lace

It's wrong but I don't consider it cheating.

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06/07/2013

Pandora'sBox

Quote:

Originally posted by Trysexual

You're assuming a rational discussion. I was not.

It is deception and lying sure, but not on the same level as fucking someone.

What if you watched porn your whole life and was a regular part of your life, but did not cause any ... more

If you are incapable of masturbation WITHOUT porn, I'd call that a problem.

Speaking from experience, I dated someone with whom porn had been a big part of his life. And guess what, YEAH it caused problems. I was constantly competing with the porn stars that he so expected me to live up to. By the end of the relationship, I found myself completely starved for sexual attention. I did so many sex acts that I never enjoyed just to get five minutes of his attention.

Mind you, I never told him that he couldn't masturbate. I told him that porn made me uncomfortable. So he promised me he wouldn't look at it. He did. Constantly. And he WAS actually cheating on me with many other women.

Some food for thought there.

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06/08/2013

bratcat

Quote:

Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter

First and foremost, this guy is my husband's friend. They have known each other since they were still in diapers. They've been through a lot together, went through a lot of crap during their teen years, and while my husband was growing up, ... more

First and foremost, this guy is my husband's friend. They have known each other since they were still in diapers. They've been through a lot together, went through a lot of crap during their teen years, and while my husband was growing up, he was still living for himself and being childish. He and his girlfriend both have suffered from drug addiction, and for a while I guess he was physical abusive (not since I've known them, but it's not surprising). They stayed together and worked through it for the most part. She isn't a saint, but she doesn't deserve the treatment she receives and I would have already left if I were in her shoes. Last summer, I tried telling her that this was her chance to move forward, that she deserved to have someone that cared about her, etc. I tried telling her that this guy doesn't deserve her and I didn't see him ever changing. A few months later, they were back together and since things weren't 'bad' I didn't hear from her anymore. I saw her for a little while last month when we stopped by their house and she said things were going okay with them. I see him more often 'cause he comes to our house sometimes.

We aren't close, her boyfriend is my husband's friend. I AM in a tough spot, but I can't go back on my promise. I don't know if he would have said something about it if he though I would tell her. I keep my word and while it's a challenge in this situation, I still honor what I said. I have thought about just talking with her, but it would be odd after only seeing her once over the past eight months and it's stuff I've already said to her. He's not a great guy. He's a pig and he's childish. He was joking the whole time about how he doesn't have to do anything for his son 'cause she does it all. Stuff like that pisses me off, especially because I'm a mom.

He needs help...she needs help, but the fact is, neither of them are going to get it. All I can do is just be a support if needed. You all might think that's really wrong of me, and that's okay. I stand by my word and am solid in that. I have talked with my husband about having a chat with him about how it's wrong, hopefully that discussion will do something, but I highly doubt it. less

as a rule of tumb i would not tell someone something their partner is doing behind their bad, but i would encourage the guilty party to change their behavior and come clean to the person that is hurting. So i understand how you feel your in a hard spot.
I do really hope the talk helps some.

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06/09/2013

bayosgirl

It's deception, but not cheating (unless he does something with a stripper.)

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06/09/2013

Pandora'sBox

I count buying a lap dance as "doing something with the stripper." He's paying another woman to do a sexually enticing dance for him on his lap. Hence the term "lap dance."

He's going to a place specifically to see other women do sexually arousing dances.

He's giving them money to take off their clothes.

How is that NOT cheating? How is that not doing something with the strippers?

Sorry if I sound harsh but I honestly do not see how some of you draw a difference there. Especially when it's been established that the person doing this is doing so in an act of pure dishonesty.

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06/09/2013

falalena

Quote:

Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter

I always see threads that start off with that question and I always tell myself that you have to ask, than it probably is. But we had some friends over last night and something was discussed and I honestly wasn't sure.

If you're in a ... more

It's wrong but not cheating. Sounds like work would need to be done on communication, trust, and respect.

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06/11/2013

dancingduo

My wife and I have a simple way of looking of it. If it is anything that would cause you to have some sort of sexual desire fulfilled without her or without her permission than its cheating. Cheating isn't just physical with women...its emotional and spiritual. Your cheating in a different way than males would call it, but to women it can matter.

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06/11/2013

llellsee

I'd consider it cheating because of the lying and secrecy.

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06/11/2013

Munko

I agree that it's cheating if that's the boundaries laid out in the relationship. For some women (and men) things like strip clubs and porn ARE just as damaging as fucking someone else.

We have had issues with porn - initially it bothered me. When it got to the point where it was being hidden, and to me more important than my feelings and thoughts and happiness/comfort, then it became a HUGE issue, probably the same way it would have if he'd been deceptive and cheated. (For the record my issue is not porn it's self, or atleast it wasn't at the time).

Are strip clubs automatically cheating? No. Is fucking someone else automatically cheating? no. But when those boundaries and lines are laid out in a relationship, crossing them does become cheating. If a man is going to strip clubs (or looking at porn) and comes home, masturbates instead of having sex with his wife - how is that any different than screwing some chick on the side instead of your wife?

Obviously the majority of men who use porn or go to strip clubs don't stop having sex with their partners, but many do, and if it's affecting your relationship directly like that, because of another person and sexual feelings/behaviors then it IS cheating, even if no one was ever touched.

Truth be told, I'd probably have an easier time getting over a one off drunken screw where sex actually happened, than an ongoing hidden strip club addiction or porn useage that continued to damage our relationship and cause issues.

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06/13/2013

TJtheMadHatter

Quote:

Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter

I always see threads that start off with that question and I always tell myself that you have to ask, than it probably is. But we had some friends over last night and something was discussed and I honestly wasn't sure.

If you're in a ... more

First off I'm assuming the person is hiding it because they're getting lap dances. Come on. Huge red flag. It's a habitual lie that involves a naked person. It's not all "I just sit there and watch them dance on stage". It isn't. If you're going regularly on the sly, you're dropping at least twenty bucks for two songs of a naked woman to dance on you. Take the situation out of the strip club and you have cheating. I'm not against stripping at all. I have known many strippers and I used to be one. If you're in a relationship where that's the norm or it's okay, that's fine. If you're hiding it because it's not okay, it's as good as cheating.

There's a thread that asks "what constitutes cheating?", and a lot of people put "a kiss" or "feelings". There is no kissing in stripping but there is a naked person involved. Feelings? You're constantly lying about something that involves naked people. I don't know what else to say other than, yeah, that's cheating. It wouldn't seem that way to the person doing it though. All I know is that it would be an issue if my husband were to do that.

Edit:This is all assuming the stripper is a stand up gal, who doesn't do anything but dance. I've known girls that would suck, fuck, rub, jerk guys off in the strip club while giving "lap dances". I've seen it and heard it. So, like I said, I'm assuming that that isn't what's happening.

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06/13/2013

Kodie

I would not consider this cheating but it is wrong. I dont care if my man goes to a strip club but if I had told him no and he went anyway we would have a problem. If I found out he habitually did it we would have a big problem. The bigger question is why would he feel like he had to go. But I cant judge the multitude of dynamics in your relationship, only give you my opinion as a woman.

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06/23/2013

Pandora'sBox

Quote:

Originally posted by Kodie

I would not consider this cheating but it is wrong. I dont care if my man goes to a strip club but if I had told him no and he went anyway we would have a problem. If I found out he habitually did it we would have a big problem. The bigger question ... more

It doesn't matter why he feels like he needs to go. Don't blame her for his dishonesty. What does matter is he's going behind her back and doing something he knows will hurt her.

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07/02/2013

Fun Lover

You need to come clean maybe they will go with you and it might enhance your sex life.

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07/03/2013

FlyingSnow

I feel like an outcast in opinions verging into facts: Knowing that my boyfriend is as devoted, loving, and as enveloped of me as I of him I would be extremely upset if I found out he went to a strip club, and consider it cheating.

What if it was the other way around? What if I wanted to be a stripper but my boyfriend was HIGHLY against it? Would going behind his back be cheating, or just wrong?

Maybe my views are a bit over-dramatic, but I feel that these two concepts are quite similar: and being the person I am...... I just wouldn't be able to deal with that emotionally.

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07/06/2013

Sir

That isn't cheating in the conventional definition of being with other people behind the partner's back or against their wishes. It is, however, being dishonest, unfaithful, and untrustworthy.

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07/15/2013

Pandora'sBox

Quote:

Originally posted by FlyingSnow

I feel like an outcast in opinions verging into facts: Knowing that my boyfriend is as devoted, loving, and as enveloped of me as I of him I would be extremely upset if I found out he went to a strip club, and consider it cheating.

What if it ... more

You're not the only one who thinks that way. I too, see it as cheating. I don't see how people can actually separate it.

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07/16/2013