Initially when i ready your post i chose the last answer, as the behavior is not necessarily cheating but is deceptive and can damage a long-term relationship. However after reading this, yes, being involved with other women in or outside of a strip club IS cheating! and i very much agree with Surreptitious' response.

This person sounds like a manipulative and abusive partner, and i would encourage your friend to try and leave this person. less

I always see threads that start off with that question and I always tell myself that you have to ask, than it probably is. But we had some friends over last night and something was discussed and I honestly wasn't sure.

If you're in a long term relationship, and your partner is uncomfortable with you going to the strip club, is it cheating if you go on a regular basis and hide it from her? less

Ok, so let me get this straight...


Guy and gal are a couple, the guy likes to go to strip clubs. It makes her feel uncomfortable and they have a rational discussion and he rationally agrees to never go again. Then a week or so goes by and he's just got to stop in and stuff a few of those hard earned dollars into a g-string of a woman he will never and can never have. Then goes home and acts like everything is a-ok.

That's not cheating? On what planet?

Deception and lying by omission is still lying and that's not just wrong, it is cheating. Let's flip the table...

She has a thing for going to strip clubs and has been asked not to spend money on guys or go at all...continues to do it and lies about it. How would you honestly react in that situation?

Would you not feel betrayed? Isn't cheating a betrayal of the boundaries you've set in the relationship (regardless of what those hard limits actually are)?

Think about it before you respond...this is seriously boggling my mind. And how on earth can you compare a Flesh to Flesh experience with porn or eating an ice cream cone? I mean really? less

You're assuming a rational discussion. I was not.

It is deception and lying sure, but not on the same level as fucking someone.

What if you watched porn your whole life and was a regular part of your life, but did not cause any problems in your life and you met someone you loved, but they had a hang up about porn and asked you to never watch it ever again. Could you?

Could you agree to never masturbate?

Personally, I don't frequent strip clubs, so I'm kind of agnostic on the whole topic. I know some women and men are irrational about things like strip clubs and porn or masturbation and don't "get it". I'd probably never agree to have someone tell me what I can't do with my life in the first place. I never date people who forbid me to do things and have high insecurity.

But yeah. If you and your partner make a pact to not eat ice cream, because you both are trying to lose weight and you sneak out for a cone or sundae...then by your own definition it's cheating.

If it is a matter of finances and spending $, that's a whole nuther issue. less

He has lied to her and said that he's never been to the strip club and doesn't need to go. She is very insecure and doesn't feel comfortable with the idea of it. He's going behind her back, saying he's doing other things while he's going to the strip club. He says that it's become an addiction and sounds quite proud of that. He is very possessive of her and would freak out if she did anything like that. She doesn't get to go out with the girls, she has to stay at home with their son. He IS getting lap dances, he IS getting involved with these women. He didn't go into details about how far it has gone, but he said there's a price for EVERYTHING where he goes. less

I always see threads that start off with that question and I always tell myself that you have to ask, than it probably is. But we had some friends over last night and something was discussed and I honestly wasn't sure.

If you're in a long term relationship, and your partner is uncomfortable with you going to the strip club, is it cheating if you go on a regular basis and hide it from her? less

Irrational about it? Not everyone just likes it. There are plenty of reasons not to have positive feelings towards pornography. Irrational is not the word I'd use to describe, say, someone who was... forced into pornography of some sort and then they end up having a "hang up" about it and can't be with a partner who uses it. OR the fact that it's addicting or cheating in some people's eyes, or degrading, or because maybe they want to have their partner looking at them for sexual satisfaction. None of those scream irrational to me at all. A unique need for respect, to be treated in a little bit different of a way than what's typical, sure, but irrational? No. I think there's far, far more to it than irrationality and "not getting it." Some people don't want that in their lives and we can hardly call them irrational, especially without ever knowing why they feel that way. Insecure or could it be just the opposite? Perhaps a person feels that they're better than to be anything other than their lover's one and only choice and honestly, what could be wrong with that? There's also a difference in forbidding it and simply discussing it in the beginning of a relationship. Get it out in the open first. Do you use porn? Because I have issues there and don't think I could be with someone who does." Simple as that. Nothing wrong with people requiring a certain degree of respect. It's not that they are insecure always, but perhaps the right person for them is someone who views them as a potential partner, differently. It's not that they have to say "now that we're dating, you're never allowed porn." It's a topic that can be talked about and each can choose to go their separate ways if they don't see eye to eye.

Just another way to look at things besides the whole "oh! They must be irrational."

Like Stormy explained -- discussions, comprimise and a loving way towards each other where both can go to great deals to meet the needs of the one they love. It's not so hard for some people.

Emotional cheating very well may be something worse in your opinion. I'm sure someone else on the earth would deem that "irrational." Not that I do. I do not, of course. But we have to remember to see every point of view and that every couple is different. Not everyone is just a screwed up person who asks too much of a potential spouse. If you consider emotional cheating to be very bad and a deal breaker, then it's probably something you get out in the open right away when you're with a partner or potential spouse, right? It's really not much different from people who feel more hurt by physical cheating. Everyone has their very own personal set of reasons as to why things upset them, and I have learned that you often don't have a specific thing that upsets you for NO reason. Sure, it can be insecurity, but that's why you work on it. You're not a bad person for having insecurities. Many people may feel that those who consider emotional cheating to be the worst form of cheating are just insecure. Again, not me. But it goes both ways. That is my point. You cannot pick apart every couple's relationship. Each of us have things that upset us and hurt us so badly that we simply can't go through it (or go through it again) and in some cases, we can't even explain why. We just know that it hurts. Nothing wrong there. That's why everyone is different. There's always somebody else out there who will feel similarly, and that makes it all ok.

If emotional cheating is something I absolutely can't deal with, then I'll make sure that when I'm getting into a relationship, they feel similarly that way we're on the same page.

You said emotional cheating was "worse in many ways." That is it's worse for you. Just like our preferences in ice cream (sorrry, had to use it! Lol), we also have wide varieties in things that we feel are worse. For instance, having a migraine may be the worst pain for one person. For another, they may feel that nothing is worse than a toothache. We simply can't say what other people besides ourselves should feel or what's worse for everyone else, besides our very own selves.

Simply put, I love my partner with all my heart... and every other organ in my body and for me, if it makes him "uncomfortable" then it makes me uncomfortable and I won't do it and I won't want to do it. I love him. I don't want to make him feel down, uncomfortable, hurt, put aside, less than, insecure or like he isn't my one and only. This may not be for everyone. Not everybody wants to make someoen else feel that they are all those things, but we do. If it's not him, I'm not interested and I dang sure wouldn't feel right going and handing a half nude male $ so I could objectify him. And I expect my partner to have more respect for not only me, but the women in general -- when it comes to these things. That's not for me to worry with, but there we are.

As for going behind his back, as I said, that's out of the question. Neither of us would do it and neither of us have the desire to.

I think each and every relationship (since all of ours differ) can choose for themsleves without being put down for their choices. As long as both are in compliance --whether both parties feel that clubs are cheating or leaning on someone else's shoulder and crying is cheating -- that's all that matters, right? I mean, it doesn't matter what the rest of the world thinks and there's no reason for the rest of the world to say harsh things about anybody's relationship unless someone's being hurt. If they're happy doing things a certain way, if they're happy being okay with the clubs or both not being okay with the clubs, what's it to anyone else? less

I cannot say this is cheating, but in HIS case, because he is interacting with the performers, I would consider this an act of cheating. She deserves much better, and needs to find a way out of this abusive relationship. She should be able to have her rights as he has his, and this isn't healthy for her at all. I agree with Zombirella, those men the strippers are giving blowjobs to could have STD's and that sickens me as well. less

I always see threads that start off with that question and I always tell myself that you have to ask, than it probably is. But we had some friends over last night and something was discussed and I honestly wasn't sure.

If you're in a long term relationship, and your partner is uncomfortable with you going to the strip club, is it cheating if you go on a regular basis and hide it from her? less

Thank you! This is pretty much what I was thinking as well. You did a better job putting it into words. Really nice way of putting that. I liked it.

In the end, if you're willing to deliberately hurt your partner -- and that is what's happening if they're "uncomfortable" with clubs like that. It's hurting them, let's face it -- then you are doing something very wrong, you must not care a whole hell of a lot about their feelings and not to mention, you're cheating. Even if not in your eyes, in their eyes, they are cheated and that feels quite as shitty. This is why you discuss these things before getting into a relationship. That way there's less of a chance to get hurt by people who don't feel the same as you. less

They've had a really up and down relationship. They've been together since high school and this past summer separated for two months. During that time he slept with at least three other women (and wasn't afraid to share graphic details with my husband and I about it), and she had no idea and was crying to me about how much she missed him. After they decided to work things out, she found out from a friend that he had slept with ONE women while they were separated and it broke her heart. She confronted him about it, and he lied and said it was only one girl, it was only once, and he didn't even enjoy it; all TOTAL lies. She was able to process this since it was one girl, and only one occasion (at least that's what she was told), but he has said to us that she will never find out about the others or how long he was seeing that girl for. He told us before they separated that he felt like he was missing out on something 'better' because he had been with her for over 10 years. He lies to her about a lot of things, yet got upset with her when he found out she had been keeping something from him. They have an extremely dysfunctional relationship, but they have a 2 year old son and I know they want to work it out at least for him. I told them both when they separated last summer that I would do what I could to help with their son and be a support to both of them. I promised that I wouldn't share any information they told me, with the other person. I can't tell her about this; we haven't really talked since they've been back together since I was pretty much just her counselor while they were having issues, and because of the promise I made. I did talk with my husband about it, and he agreed that it was totally inappropriate behavior, but he's not surprised about it either. That's just the way this guy is, and she knows it too. The first time we hung out with them he was calling, "Dump it out!" to girls across the parking lot and ended up joking with me about flashing him as well - RIGHT in front of her!

I know if I were her and found out about this, I would feel as though I had been cheated on. Like I said, I don't know if he is specifically engaging in sexual acts with these women, but he did mention that it's available and I know he goes quite frequently. Just sad. less