The New Intimacy

Which Would You Rather Find Out...

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Contributor: anonkitty anonkitty
...Find out that your SO is cheating on you or that your SO is in love with someone else? (And yes, it's intentionally vague, please interpret as you will. =])

I read this research paper written a while ago and wondered if the results from their surveys are actually reflective of other populations. (And yes, must be one or the other.) Feel free to share hypotheses too!
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
I identify as a man, and I would rather find out that my SO is cheating on me.
6  (11%)
I identify as a man, and I would rather find out that my SO is in love with someone else.
2  (4%)
I identify as a woman, and I would rather find out that my SO is cheating on me.
39  (70%)
I identify as a woman, and I would rather find out that my SO is in love with someone else.
9  (16%)
Total votes: 56
Poll is closed
09/18/2012
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Contributor: justme23 justme23
Quote:
Originally posted by anonkitty
...Find out that your SO is cheating on you or that your SO is in love with someone else? (And yes, it's intentionally vague, please interpret as you will. =])

I read this research paper written a while ago and wondered if the results from ... more
I want him to be happy
09/18/2012
Contributor: Rossie Rossie
Other. I'm female and I didn't vote, both choices are just as hurtful and damaging to me.
09/18/2012
Contributor: ToyGeek ToyGeek
I don't have an SO, but I could get over cheating, but I couldn't stay with someone who was in love with someone else.
09/18/2012
Contributor: deltalima deltalima
Quote:
Originally posted by anonkitty
...Find out that your SO is cheating on you or that your SO is in love with someone else? (And yes, it's intentionally vague, please interpret as you will. =])

I read this research paper written a while ago and wondered if the results from ... more
I think loving someone else is already kind of cheating.
09/18/2012
Contributor: Breas Breas
So basically physical cheating or emotional cheating? Hm.. I don't like either lol.
09/18/2012
Contributor: SneakersAndPearls SneakersAndPearls
Rather find out that he's cheating. Cheating can be worked through eventually (as long as it stops), but being in love with someone else is much more complicated.
09/18/2012
Contributor: amazon amazon
I'd say I'd be crushed, but I'd honestly be more enraged
09/18/2012
Contributor: gsfanatic gsfanatic
Probably love, since I could understand that easier. It'd suck, but at least she was upfront about it instead of going behind my back and cheating
09/18/2012
Contributor: sexxxkitten sexxxkitten
Either way, I would be brokenhearted. But if I HAD to choose, I would rather be cheated on than to have him be in love with someone else.
09/18/2012
Contributor: KittenPrincess KittenPrincess
I'd rather find out that he was in love with someone else. You can't help who you fall in love with, but you do have control over whether or not you get naked and have sex with them.
09/18/2012
Contributor: anonkitty anonkitty
Thanks to whoever edited the title. =] It makes better sense this way.

Personally, I agree with the folks saying not liking either. I would probably be devastated either way. I would rather he find out he's cheating on me though. It would provoke more of a rage rather than depression.
09/19/2012
Contributor: sXeVegan90 sXeVegan90
I'd be pissed off more than hurt.
09/19/2012
Contributor: anonkitty anonkitty
So the results of the study...

(And hopefully you all voted before reading this =])

I've framed the question a bit differently but:
The majority of the men in the study preferred news that their SO is in love with someone else. The majority of the women in the study preferred news that their SO is cheating on them.

A hypothesis that they came up with:
Both men and women value sex, but view the link between sex and love differently. Women make the link between love and sex, so when their SO is in love with someone else, they already assumed that their SO is cheating (physically) on them. Men don't see this link (cheating is cheating, love is love).

Personally, I feel it's easier to justify something as a moment of stupidity when it's an impulsive action as opposed to something that's more gradual and deliberate, which can feel more like a personal failure. No idea how the opposite sex feels about it though. =]

It was a working paper the last time I read it, but I'll try to dig a link up. =]
09/19/2012
Contributor: LilLostLenore LilLostLenore
Quote:
Originally posted by anonkitty
...Find out that your SO is cheating on you or that your SO is in love with someone else? (And yes, it's intentionally vague, please interpret as you will. =])

I read this research paper written a while ago and wondered if the results from ... more
neither
09/19/2012
Contributor: Dixiemomma Dixiemomma
He'd be gone either way!
09/19/2012
Contributor: Supervixen Supervixen
Quote:
Originally posted by anonkitty
So the results of the study...

(And hopefully you all voted before reading this =])

I've framed the question a bit differently but:
The majority of the men in the study preferred news that their SO is in love with someone else. ... more
Interesting...I'm a woman, and I responded like a man.

I'd rather find out that he's in love with someone else. Cheating could be worked through, depending on the circumstances, even forgivable--but if he's in love with someone else, then...we really need to go our separate ways. I don't think that love and sex are always linked--in many cases, it's not. Sex is a primal instinct, a drive, something most of us have hardwired in us. Love is different. Love and sex are nice together, like chocolate syrup on ice cream, but the ice cream is still tasty without the chocolate syrup, you know? (dumbest analogy ever, but I'm tired, and it was the best I could come up with. )
09/19/2012
Contributor: Geogeo Geogeo
Quote:
Originally posted by anonkitty
...Find out that your SO is cheating on you or that your SO is in love with someone else? (And yes, it's intentionally vague, please interpret as you will. =])

I read this research paper written a while ago and wondered if the results from ... more
Cheating. I don't associate love and sex much myself so it'd be better to me
09/19/2012
Contributor: ViVix ViVix
Quote:
Originally posted by anonkitty
...Find out that your SO is cheating on you or that your SO is in love with someone else? (And yes, it's intentionally vague, please interpret as you will. =])

I read this research paper written a while ago and wondered if the results from ... more
If they cheat, things can be worked on usually. If they love someone else, it's a lost cause.
09/19/2012
Contributor: Kitten has left the site Kitten has left the site
If I HAD to pick, it be cheating, but if I didn't, then neither because both are trust issues in the end.

Cheating...I still would be hurt...but knowing me, I probably try to make the relationship better IF i see a way that works, but being in love with someone else...forget it. I would be too devastated.
09/19/2012
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
If he were in love with someone else, I would be heartbroken. Cheating, I could forgive. Falling in love with him/her? I'm not really sure I could overlook that.
09/19/2012
Contributor: TheirPet TheirPet
I'd rather have someone cheat that be completely in love with someone else. But I'd rather not have cheating either!
09/19/2012
Contributor: anonkitty anonkitty
Quote:
Originally posted by Supervixen
Interesting...I'm a woman, and I responded like a man.

I'd rather find out that he's in love with someone else. Cheating could be worked through, depending on the circumstances, even forgivable--but if he's in love with ... more
Makes (delicious) sense. =]
09/19/2012
Contributor: misty82 misty82
I would rather find out he is in love with someone else than that he is cheating. If he is in love with her it would hurt but at least there may be a chance of friendship later. Cheating on the other hand hurts for a long time and causes other issues like trust. If he cheated on me I would have a hard time trusting or believing him as to his whereabouts when he is not at home.
09/19/2012
Contributor: Beck Beck
I am a female and I would rather find out he was in love with someone else because it would make leaving so much easier. Cheating could leave room for the partner to sucker you back in, but being in love with someone else would ensure you leave. Either way, I would likely leave, so I would want him to understand why I want to leave and not try to stop me, because it would be easier on me emotionally.
09/19/2012
Contributor: WhoopieDoo WhoopieDoo
I don't identify as man or woman, but I'm a female and would rather find out he's in love with someone else.
09/19/2012
Contributor: hjtee hjtee
Having a physical relationship I could get past, but being in love with someone else, I'd have to let him go be happy, I think.
09/19/2012
Contributor: js250 js250
Both of these would be extremely painful, but if he cheated I could use the rage and anger to help me get through the aftermath of being on my own and a broken relationship. I could heal easier, faster and healthier.

If he was in love with someone else, that would be equivalent to opening up a deep, black void inside myself--the depression resulting from that would be devastating.
09/19/2012
Contributor: subtyrant subtyrant
I chose that I'd prefer cheating. This one was difficult to answer, though. In our relationship, we're allowed to have sexual friendships as long as we're open and honest about them.

I guess we both take the predominately male view of extramarital sex (ie cheating) being separate from love. In our particular relationship, however, in order to "cheat" it would mean a lot of unnecessary lying. That would make me wonder why the extra relationship meant so much to him that he'd want to keep it private from me.

(-_-) This one is complicated. Even if he did cheat, like others have said, it could be discussed and worked through to rebuild trust in the relationship. If he fell in love with someone else, that either means he fell out of love with me, or he's trying to work out a "Big Love" type deal.
09/19/2012
Contributor: Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by anonkitty
...Find out that your SO is cheating on you or that your SO is in love with someone else? (And yes, it's intentionally vague, please interpret as you will. =])

I read this research paper written a while ago and wondered if the results from ... more
Neither would make me happy, but I can UNDERSTAND falling in love. I can even respect falling in love. I have NO understanding or respect for a cheater.
09/19/2012