The New Intimacy

When do you consider yourself "married"? (public poll)

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Contributor: Peggi Peggi
After reading a question about marriage, this struck me! I realized that I have a different view of "marriage" than a lot of my friends, or at least I have a different view of how to refer to things. The (legally) boyfriend and I refer to each other as "my husband" or "my wife" although we have no documentation of such a marriage!

The process behind this is: he has commitment issues, because he is concerned about women wanting to commit after he was hurt in a previous relationship, years ago. I don't mind not being legally married, because I've been married and divorced, and it hadn't changed anything in the relationship at all!

So, instead, he moved into what is now our house (title and bills are in both of our names), I turned my bank account into a joint bank account so it is now in both of our names, and I went as far as deciding to legally change my last name to his last name.

That was the process to what we call our "marriage", we function as a married couple, have had a long-term relationship, etc.

I decided to put this in this category vs marriage because this doesn't apply to just legally married couples! A lot of couples who can't get married due to state law (LGQT reasons) and so I wondered how many others may have a marriage that isn't recognized by state or anyone else for that matter! That can include cases like ours, or because the state doesn't recognize!

So, to you-
marriage is:
Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):
Only marriage if recognized by the state (despite how I may/may not feel on gay marriage)
Yoda , Antipova , Ms. Spice , domsub1993 , Adriana Ravenlust , Rossie , Kkay , Bignuf , Nothere , LM , MrWishyWashy , Ash1141 , indiglo , Errant Venture , EJ , null , Mike Honcho , MidnightStorm , Darklyvan , Badass , Aberrant , Tuesday , Angel Baby , MissCandyland , shanoelizabeth , Incendiaire , Gone (LD29) , meitman , Living Doll
29
A matter of personal feelings. If you want to consider yourself married, go for it!
starklover , Ryuson , eggiweg , froggiemoma , butterflygirlxo , Beck , Ansley , Anya , l'amour , Alan & Michele , Sunshineamine , Peggi , PiratePrincess , dv8 , The-IT-Guy-And-My-Secretary , DeliciousDrip , poetprincess , caligaliber , A Closet Slut (aka nipplepeople) , badk1tty , winterseve , Sex'и'Violence , Apirka , Harpina is gone , Aberrant , hspence , Graniteal , Sir , Dodger79 , Toy Fiend , Bleu , KinkyNicki92 , LavenderSkies , Septimus , chantalgiardina , chicmichiw , Isis29
37
Over rated
Ansley , Peggi , EJ , null , Sir , SMichelle
6
Only marriage if you hold a ceremony or party of some sort (even if you don't have the documents of marriage)
karay123 , TheBadHobbit , Taylor , Princess Zelda , brittany8612 , Mike Honcho , Badass , Gone (LD29)
8
Decided by last name - if you change your last name even if you don't have a marriage license, it still counts!
eggiweg
1
Something else/Other (which I will explain)
Gunsmoke , SilverIsis , Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama , The-IT-Guy-And-My-Secretary , ~LaUr3n~ , T&A1987 , Sir , Gone (LD29)
8
Total votes: 89 (76 voters)
Poll is closed
10/18/2011
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Contributor: AngelvMaynard AngelvMaynard
I didn't vote cause I'm married. However what would be interesting about your situation would be this, for benefits or in the case of death I bet the state you are in wouldn't recognize you as married, however in the event you split up, depending on the state you are in, you would probably be considered to have a common law marriage. Meaning you would have to split your assets. It's crazy to me how the states define certain issues of marriage. I think marriage is defined by what's in your heart and the commitments made privately between people, whether that be same sex, hetero couples or in the case of some families on this board, multiple partners. No law can define love and commitment in my opinion, they only define the societal public rights.
10/18/2011
Contributor: karay123 karay123
Interesting question. I don't think I care what the state/gov't thinks. I find it more ceremonial (however big/small...) (And I am married)
10/18/2011
Contributor: js250 js250
States vary in their acknowledgement of 'common law' marriages. In my state if you: create joint accounts, live in same household 6 months, acknowledge and sign documents as husband/wife you are married. Or if you live in the same household for 6 years+. Federal government does acknowledge many long term living together/common law as married for Social Security/death benefits.
10/18/2011
Contributor: starklover starklover
wouldn't you have a common law marriage anyway by now.
10/18/2011
Contributor: Ryuson Ryuson
(Review Program Mentor)
As a Christian I feel that as soon as you take your vows before God you are married; I answered that it is how you feel!
10/18/2011
Contributor: butterflygirlxo butterflygirlxo
I'm not married, but been with my boyfriend for 7 years he doesn't want to get married
10/18/2011
Contributor: Antipova Antipova
Thank you so much for adding the "(despite how I may/may not feel about gay marriage)" disclaimer on the 'recognized by the state' option.

Personally, I have no desire for any religious ceremony to document anything in my life, but I do still set importance on having a recognized status of a marriage.

So, for me, as an agnostic and a staunch "separation of church and state"ist, I will consider myself married when court documents have been signed. I'd probably have a party/ celebration / food / dance at a state park with friends and family, but that would just be for fun, and not actually a necessary element of the official commitment.

BUT I totally believe that nonheterosexual couples should be able to be married in exactly the same way, with the signing of a court document granting hospital permissions, marriage-based tax collections, and official recognition of the committed status of their relationship.
10/18/2011
Contributor: Beck Beck
If you want to consider yourself married without the legal bs that is cool by me.
10/18/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by AngelvMaynard
I didn't vote cause I'm married. However what would be interesting about your situation would be this, for benefits or in the case of death I bet the state you are in wouldn't recognize you as married, however in the event you split up, ... more
Most states don't have common law marriages anymore. I think it was a precursor to telling homosexuals, in effect, "GET OFF THE STRAIGHT PEOPLE'S LAWN".
10/18/2011
Contributor: Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
For us marriage is a religious rite joining a couple 'as one'. Civil institutions got into the act long ago to mimic the rite without the religious overtones.

I'm a little confused why so many people talk about how marriage is obsolete and unnecessary - but yet people of all relationship types want to be or say they are married. Why?

Before excoriating me for such a traditional view, please note that my question is strictly rhetorical - I'm not trying to hijack this thread.
10/18/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
For us marriage is a religious rite joining a couple 'as one'. Civil institutions got into the act long ago to mimic the rite without the religious overtones.

I'm a little confused why so many people talk about how marriage is ... more
I think because so many people value the bond that marriage implies that sometimes it's used to stop people from questioning the relationship or asking for the five-thousandth time "so when ya gettin' married".
10/18/2011
Contributor: chicken12 chicken12
It might sound a bit silly, but I think a marriage needs to have some sort of ceremony. I don't think of it as a smooth transition from x-friend to spouse, I think there needs to be a cake, too.
10/18/2011
Contributor: Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama
This is a really tough question for me because as a Conservative Christian - I really feel like marriage is when you take vows before God (or before the state due to the legal process of marriage).

But lately my family and I have been discussing marriage and if it should be a legal matter or a church matter, etc. etc. I find my family is a lot more liberal than I am - at least about it being a legal matter. They feel like it is more of a church matter.

After reading about a lot of things on this site - like open marriages, etc. - I find myself thinking about marriage and trying to come up with what I believe about it.

I think our current culture has cheapened marriage - that it used to be a "lifetime" commitment but now folks just decide to leave far too easily. So I'm not sure if we should even have marriage anymore - I don't know. I can't explain it.
10/18/2011
Contributor: Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
Thank you so much for adding the "(despite how I may/may not feel about gay marriage)" disclaimer on the 'recognized by the state' option.

Personally, I have no desire for any religious ceremony to document anything in my ... more
I'm pretty much with this. Marriage isn't religious to me; although, if it is to use, that's great. I do find something irks me when people who are not legally married call themselves that. I still view marriage as something sacred and I guess, to me, that behavior lessens the value of marriage.
10/18/2011
Contributor: SilverIsis SilverIsis
Personally, marriage is the religious ceremony, but not in the way that people may think. To me, the point of the ceremony is not the making a commitment before God, as I doubt that my Gods hold marriage very highly. It's more about making that commitment before the community, your friends and family. Like a christening or a baptismal is meant to introduce the baby to the community and the community to say that it will do it's part to insure that child grows up to be a productive member of society, A wedding is to say " this is my partner for life" and for the community to say that they will be there for the couple.
10/18/2011
Contributor: Alan & Michele Alan & Michele
I voted based on my personal feelings, but can vouch for the fact that everyone's views are different since my own husband doesn't agree with me. We lived together for 8 or 9 years before I was willing to sign any paperwork, and I considered us married the whole time. Alan didn't. He needed to make it legal for some reason, so we did eventually go the courthouse route. Our "marriage" never changed at all afterward though, so I'm still a firm believer that it's just a state of mind, emotion, and commitment, regardless of sexual orientation or anything else. I've seen some married people in my time who were as "un-married" in my opinion as casual room mates would be, and seen formally unwed people who were happily committed for life. I'll never be convinced that the paperwork matters.

~M
10/18/2011
Contributor: Sunshineamine Sunshineamine
Erik and I are pretty much married. We have joint accounts, are buying a new car together and I couldn't see me with anyone else. Will we make it official one day? Probably but he's my penguin as far as I'm concerned.
10/18/2011
Contributor: Kkay Kkay
I view marriage as a legal entity.
10/18/2011
Contributor: TheBadHobbit TheBadHobbit
I think marriage is a formal commitment to be a lifelong partner to someone. There ought to be some kind of ritual between the two(more?) of you to mark it, even if it's just a private little handfasting somewhere . . there ought to be an acknowledgement of the 'two becoming one' y'know?

But I think a marriage should ideally also be announced before the community. Having SOME kind of party or public ritual or, heck, even just telling all your friends 'yay we got married!' is an important part of the marriage. I think you CAN be secretly married, but I don't think it's a good sign that the marriage will be healthy.

So, yeah. . . there ought to be some sort of ceremony (even if it's one you make up yourselves and don't involve anyone else in just exchanging vows is really all it takes) and ideally you'd have some public acknowledgement too.

I really think marriage should stop being a legally recognized state. I think churches can argue about what marriages they will and won't recognize . . that's their right . . but federal and state governments shouldn't be involved. Let anyone file for a civil union, which allows for shared insurance, doctor's access, joint taxes, etc. . . without it needing any romantic or sexual implications. Heck, let business partners form a legal union if that's what they want. But marriage shouldn't be 'justified' by the law.

(and yes, I'm cisgendered and looking for a hetero relationship with ideally marriage in the future, so I know my argument would have me 'sacrificing my own legitimicy omgnoes' 9.9 but really I just think everyone should have the same damn level playing field, if maybe a bit lower one than most people want x.x)

. . /rant
10/18/2011
Contributor: Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by Peggi
After reading a question about marriage, this struck me! I realized that I have a different view of "marriage" than a lot of my friends, or at least I have a different view of how to refer to things. The (legally) boyfriend and I refer to ... more
You can be VERY committed, but it does not give you the LEGAL protections that marriage does. Marriage is, for all intents, a LEGAL contract (be it religious or civil) it imparts rights that NO other contract can exactly match.
10/18/2011
Contributor: SaMiKaY SaMiKaY
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
Thank you so much for adding the "(despite how I may/may not feel about gay marriage)" disclaimer on the 'recognized by the state' option.

Personally, I have no desire for any religious ceremony to document anything in my ... more
I agree with you COMPLETELY
10/18/2011
Contributor: Nothere Nothere
I believe that marriage is marriage when recognized by the state and/or by your religious institution. I find that my idea of marriage splits into two though. I think it's mainly marriage in the legal sense, but also marriage as the marriage of two souls. However, I am legal minded and consider marriage to be a legal thing, but, I do not discount the idea of a relationship between two people. Bah, I'm confusing even myself.
10/18/2011
Contributor: MrWishyWashy MrWishyWashy
I view marriage as a legal entity as well.
10/18/2011
Contributor: The-IT-Guy-And-My-Secretary The-IT-Guy-And-My-Secretary
Quote:
Originally posted by Peggi
After reading a question about marriage, this struck me! I realized that I have a different view of "marriage" than a lot of my friends, or at least I have a different view of how to refer to things. The (legally) boyfriend and I refer to ... more
I kind of think that when marriage is classified as what the state thinks of your union it puts alot of pressure on you and your partner and it causes lots of divorce. Marriage should be classified as (atleast in my opinion) when you live with someone and trust them. Trust is a big thing these days. I know so many married couples that dont trust each other. Religion is another big thing that I think kills marriages but im not going to get into that.
10/18/2011
Contributor: Princess Zelda Princess Zelda
Quote:
Originally posted by karay123
Interesting question. I don't think I care what the state/gov't thinks. I find it more ceremonial (however big/small...) (And I am married)
I agree.
10/18/2011
Contributor: T&A1987 T&A1987
marriage is the fanciest ceremony for the signing of a contract ever.
10/19/2011
Contributor: poetprincess poetprincess
Quote:
Originally posted by Peggi
After reading a question about marriage, this struck me! I realized that I have a different view of "marriage" than a lot of my friends, or at least I have a different view of how to refer to things. The (legally) boyfriend and I refer to ... more
I was reading this and I thought it was interesting about how you basically are married just not with the little piece of paper, I consider it to be in your own opinion you dont have to have that paper to say you are. I am glad things are going good for you. my man has major commitment issues after two failed marriages and it is really messing up our relationship because I have never been married and would like to be someday..
10/19/2011
Contributor: Peggi Peggi
Quote:
Originally posted by AngelvMaynard
I didn't vote cause I'm married. However what would be interesting about your situation would be this, for benefits or in the case of death I bet the state you are in wouldn't recognize you as married, however in the event you split up, ... more
Based on where we are living, and because everything is in both of our names regardless of original purchaser, we would have to split them. Then, there is the issue of my will. He doesn't have one yet but he is the beneficiary of most of my belongings and my life insurance policy, so I'm not sure how that would play into things should we split up because he would have to sign some of the documents as well before they could be changed (though some can be done without his signature, like the life insurance policy).

The state certainly wouldn't recognize us as anything other than being in a domestic partnership, though. And this state is funny, if we split up I wouldn't be able to kick him out even if the house wasn't in his name, because he gets his mail here! Until he is receiving mail elsewhere I couldn't kick him out if that were to ever happen.
10/19/2011
Contributor: Peggi Peggi
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
Thank you so much for adding the "(despite how I may/may not feel about gay marriage)" disclaimer on the 'recognized by the state' option.

Personally, I have no desire for any religious ceremony to document anything in my ... more
I thought it would be nice to add, because not everyone feels that way based only on whether they are for/against gay marriage, there can be so many other reasons

And that is a great way to look at it as well!
10/19/2011