The New Intimacy

I feel pretty hurt...

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Contributor: K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by RonLee
Heck that's just part of the parent/child relationship. I wouldn't approve of my eighteen year old child doing many of the things that I'm still "proud" of having done.
Hypocritical, yes!
Just the way it is.

Uh ... more
Actually that is not "just part of the parent/child relationship." For one, Secrettoylover is an adult. And 2 my parents would NEVER disrespect me or my privacy in such a way. That is not a healthy relationship and it is not "just part of a parent/child rel." Ours is not like that. My parents have always taught me to respect other's privacy and mine will be respected. We've never and still never ask questions or nose into each other's business or tell each other what we think they should or shouldn't be doing it. I assume that is the reason we have such a healthy and close relationship. Parent or not, a person's privacy is something they take seriously and those boundaries should NOT be over stepped, unless of course you think they're in danger and need to snoop. You know, tampering with someone's mail is a serious crime. (I've had to go through serious stuff with my own being tampered with!) I'm not saying this is the case. I realize she's recognizing the boxes, not necessarily opening them. Still. The box should not even be looked at. It is yours. I have packages arrive at my parent's house some when it's something I worry about being tampered with since I've recently went through identity theft and mail issues, I'll send some items to their house. Today I recieved a package there. My dad went out and got it from the FED EX man and simply laid it on the table for me to get when I came over. He doesn't look at it, open it or wonder what's inside. It sounds to me that if toys is the only thing they're worried about, then secrettoylover is a responsible person. Apparently they aren't worried about her doing drugs or other truly harmful things. Why ruin a relationship over something that is no big deal. Christian or not. I could understand talking with your children if they're in danger, on drugs, doing illegal things and you're concerned. Toys being used by an adult are nothing that raise issues. I would prefer saving my relationship with my kid.
09/10/2011
Contributor: ToyGurl ToyGurl
Quote:
Originally posted by K101
Oh my! After reading your post and comments here Secrettoylover, I totally understand how you would be upset. I would probably feel terribly hurt. I will tell you something, not all christians believe that way. Funny, my partner and I were just ... more
I feel the same way you feel! Why would God create a piece of the body ONLY for pleasure if it... well, wasn't for pleasure? You have the same idea I do. I was of age at the time I had toys, and I never once got them before it was legal. I think I tried but I backed out. I was always really respectful of their wishes. Although I lived at home I respected them. I never started holding a huge collection until I had my own room and I only used them when they weren't home and you best your ass those toys would be hidden very well so that my siblings or parents didn't find them. It was only a time or two my mother found them and it was on the few days I was about to move out.

I find it so hypocritical, and it makes me upset that I, a married woman, cannot enjoy using sex toys because my mother is over here making me feel guilty everytime I see her, when she has an entire stash herself! It isn't fair that I have to feel this way. Many say "suck it up, don't feel sorry for yourself" but it's my MOTHER. You can't get around that. You always want to have that good relationship with your mother.

I didn't go and yell at her - it's no the christian thing to do. But I do plan to talk to her about it sometime. As soon as I find the right thing to say. I am avoiding her for a while and taking a trip to the beach this upcoming weekend or the next. I can't handle this stress on top of what I'm dealing with at home.

This is just such a big deal to me. Maybe it shouldn't be?
09/10/2011
Contributor: RonLee RonLee
Very few of us are not hypocritical in one way or another sometime in our lives.
For many of us, we just have to deal with what we get rather than what we would prefer to have gotten.
Here's wishing you all a positive outcome.
09/10/2011
Contributor: emiliaa emiliaa
That would bother me quite a bit. Hypocrites. :/ Not to mention trying to direct you on something that's WAY too personal, >.>
09/10/2011
Contributor: Silverdrop Silverdrop
Quote:
Originally posted by ToyGurl
Well, for years my husband and I have had to shut up about our use of sex toys because my parents didn't find it acceptable. The other night I was looking through my mum's closet for some masking tape and BAM! Right there in front of me is a ... more
If I were you, I would have been upset already that they were saying /anything/ about the relationship between you and your husband. Unless you're doing it on their front lawn, it's none of their business! Sure, the hypocrisy makes it worse, but I would have been far more upset about the invasion of privacy in the first place.
09/10/2011
Contributor: Ryuson Ryuson
(Review Program Mentor)
Personally I;d be very hurt. I have no advice that the wonderful people before me haven't said, though!
09/10/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
I would be upset, but only because of the hypocrisy of what she said and then did herself.

I wouldn't bother confronting her with it. What good would that do? It would just lead to a fight and probably her lying even more. Why upset yourself further. I see no need to do things like that.

My mom is also always going on about what "G*d wants" most of it isn't in the Bible or anywhere else. Just bullshit she hears from who knows where.

I'm an adult and so are you. Adults can use sex toys if they like, but don't have to share that information with anyone they don't want to.

I have never discussed sex toys with my mother, because it would be a wasted effort. What she does is her business, what I do is mine. I no longer live in her house (I haven't for a very long time) and she has NO say in what I do. Yeah, she still tries to get in my business, tells me ridiculous stuff that I'm "too old" to wear my hair long (where would something like that come from? What difference does it make how long my hair is?) but, I ignore all of it, because it doesn't make sense.

If she brings up sex toys again, simply say, "This subject is not one I will discuss with you. If you continue and try to discuss it with me, I will leave, or you can." I had to do this with my in-laws when it came to everything from my breastfeeding my kids, to my decision not to feed my kids junk food. I have done the same thing with my own mother, when she constantly disrespects my father. I simply say, "Please don't disrespect my father in my presence. If you continue I will leave the area." AND I DO IT! "Off limit topics."

When you say it and mean it can be very effective.

But, I see no reason to bring the subject up. What will it gain you?
09/10/2011
Contributor: Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by ToyGurl
Well, for years my husband and I have had to shut up about our use of sex toys because my parents didn't find it acceptable. The other night I was looking through my mum's closet for some masking tape and BAM! Right there in front of me is a ... more
I can understand your upset, but your mom is of a different generation and simply did not speak about things like that. However, did YOU "assume" she would consider it "unacceptable" (since you never spoke about it), or did she actually SAY that?

In short, are you projecting anger about what you THOUGHT her opinion might be and what was NOT said, over what really did get said (or not)?

It is hard to judge another person based on that anyway. Her level of embarrassment about such things is NOT going to be yours (assuming you have any), and a lot of it is generational.

I am not sure that is something worth getting upset or hurt about. There are way to many serious issues in life and WAY too much drama in most peoples lives.

If she gave you a good, loving home, and made you into the person you are today, I think you can let it "roll off" if she was not "open as you would like" about sex toys. For heavens sake, they ARE just "toys" after all...right?

Give your mom a hug, forget you ever saw the thing, and go on about life. You have all of US to speak to about sex toys. Don't worry about your mom.
(Besides, she may well be out here too, you know!!!!)
09/10/2011
Contributor: Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by Ghost
I wouldn't have cared in the first place.
That pretty well sums it up.
09/10/2011
Contributor: Katastophy Katastophy
I'd be upset.
+1 vote to buying her a vibrator and telling her that she needed a better one!
09/10/2011
Contributor: Tuesday Tuesday
Stormy may have hit on the real reason your mother is upset - she doesn't see you as an adult yet. Some parents have trouble with that transition.

And I can tell you as the parent of a college aged kid that there are things I did that I wouldn't want him doing. Its the irrational thought that I could handle things that he possibly couldn't even though I know he's a capable kid.

I second P'Gell's advice to just state that you use toys and that's that. This is what I did with my mother about premarital sex. I decided I wasn't going to lie to her. If she's going to ask questions she's going to learn answers. She stopped asking.
09/10/2011
Contributor: Sunshineamine Sunshineamine
I would be highly irritated. I liked starkiller's idea, you should buy her a better vibe and tell her that you saw hers and it was garbage.
09/10/2011
Contributor: mcl272 mcl272
i think i'd be more mad than upset. i don't see how someone can judge you for what your doing when their doing the same thing! that's unfair!
09/10/2011
Contributor: cheetahpita cheetahpita
I can see why you'd be upset, and yes, that does sound hypocritical of her, but I don't think I'd bother confronting - what's the point?
09/10/2011
Contributor: M121212 M121212
Aiya, that's pretty lame. Maybe she was singling you out because she's ashamed of using them herself. Then again, maybe she's become comfortable enough with the idea to try one out because she knows they are a part of your life.
09/10/2011
Contributor: Beck Beck
That would make me upset also. What a shame she is so unhappy about herself doing it, that she has to try make you feel that way.
09/11/2011
Contributor: Illumin8 Illumin8
Quote:
Originally posted by Ghost
I wouldn't have cared in the first place.
Amen to this. No one should ever have a say in what goes on in another couple's bedroom. I understand why you would feel hurt in this situation, though.
09/11/2011
Contributor: Liz2 Liz2
I also go with you are both adults but I would be totally pissed. I would buy her a a new up to date vibe and gift her but not necessarily in person but with a note.
Something along the lines of adding this to your collection, "you will love it"

Confrontation can lead to places neither of you may want to go.

Some parents have a difficult time acknowledging that their adult children are even having sex.....
09/11/2011
Contributor: ToyGurl ToyGurl
Quote:
Originally posted by K101
Actually that is not "just part of the parent/child relationship." For one, Secrettoylover is an adult. And 2 my parents would NEVER disrespect me or my privacy in such a way. That is not a healthy relationship and it is not "just part ... more
Exactly. And funny thing is, she seems to know which ones are from EF so well. I would think she shops here! You know, the day I turned 18 I expected a few things from my mother:

1. TO RESPECT AND GIVE ME SOME PRIVACY. And like I mentioned, I went about my own thing and making sure they weren't bothered by it like only masturbating or using loud toys when they weren't home.

Oh, wait... that's only ONE thing. And I am an adult, and I have been for a while. There isn't any reason they should be commenting on a box that "looks like it's from EF" or going through my things. That's almost like someone going through your purse! I mean, I have my own home now!
09/11/2011
Contributor: ToyGurl ToyGurl
Quote:
Originally posted by Bignuf
I can understand your upset, but your mom is of a different generation and simply did not speak about things like that. However, did YOU "assume" she would consider it "unacceptable" (since you never spoke about it), or did she ... more
When I was 18 and I was about to move out, she had opened a few boxes to make sure I wasn't taking some of her bathroom stuff with me. She opened the box with my toys in it and there were quite a few. I think more than 3 at that time because I had just purchased a few to take to the apartment with me.

When I got home from work she sat me down in the kitchen, had them all lain out on the table, gloves on her hands to protect them from my germs, and had a 2 hour argument with me about why it wasn't acceptable and wasn't a Christian thing to do.

What's a big deal for me is that the woman still comes over to my home, several days out of the week, and if there is any sort of cardboard box sitting next to my door I get scolded (as if I was 15) about buying sex toys. Half of the time they are boxes for my business or boxes from Amazon because I'm a big book reader and I'm getting into baking again so I've been buying from pampered chef. So not EVERY damn box is sex toys.

Not to mention I can't leave the room without her peeking through my closet! I think this needs to be confronted before it gets out of hand, which it obviously has. Does anyone else agree?
09/11/2011
Contributor: ToyGurl ToyGurl
Quote:
Originally posted by Liz2
I also go with you are both adults but I would be totally pissed. I would buy her a a new up to date vibe and gift her but not necessarily in person but with a note.
Something along the lines of adding this to your collection, "you will ... more
Well, for one, I'm married. That shouldn't be some secret since she was front row at my wedding and I've been with him since my high school years. She always said that when I was married I could do whatever I wanted in my own home. So why is she going through my closet?! lol... I would buy her a vibe or something but I don't want to make things worse and I feel disrespectful. I wish I knew a way to confront her without being disrespectful to her as well.
09/11/2011
Contributor: haley730 haley730
I would be upset
09/11/2011
Contributor: Kkay Kkay
Quote:
Originally posted by ToyGurl
When I was 18 and I was about to move out, she had opened a few boxes to make sure I wasn't taking some of her bathroom stuff with me. She opened the box with my toys in it and there were quite a few. I think more than 3 at that time because I ... more
With her behaving like this and coming into your home to criticize you, I agree that you should confront her.
09/11/2011
Contributor: Ash1141 Ash1141
Maybe they just didn't want to hear about you guys using your sex toys? I know my parents get uncomfortable when I say something about my sex life.
09/11/2011
Contributor: Pandahb Pandahb
I'd be so pissed
09/11/2011
Contributor: Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
I don't see why all the fuss. Parents do what they think is right. They're human and make mistakes. Once your an adult, you just get on with your life - no sense dwelling on the foibles of your parents.
09/12/2011
Contributor: ss143 ss143
Quote:
Originally posted by ToyGurl
When I was 18 and I was about to move out, she had opened a few boxes to make sure I wasn't taking some of her bathroom stuff with me. She opened the box with my toys in it and there were quite a few. I think more than 3 at that time because I ... more
I think it needs to be addressed as soon as you feel calm enough, it sounds like its going to bug you until you do. I for one would have already told her to butt out/confronted her about it. Its one thing if you are in HER house you can kinda sit there and pretend your listening but the facts are you are an adult you are married and you are doing it in YOUR own home she has no business doing what she is doing.
09/12/2011
Contributor: ZenaidaMacroura ZenaidaMacroura
Quote:
Originally posted by ToyGurl
Well, for one, I'm married. That shouldn't be some secret since she was front row at my wedding and I've been with him since my high school years. She always said that when I was married I could do whatever I wanted in my own home. So why ... more
Wow. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with your mom, SecretToyLover. I do agree with you. I would confront her. It sounds to me like it's already been let go for too long. She has no right to go through your things. It's disrespectful. You're married, you're in your own home, and that means it's absolutely none of her business what you do. Then the fact that she has her own toys and is actually being hypocritical about the whole thing...

If it was me, I'd tell her exactly what I was thinking. That it is none of her business what I do in my own home with my husband. That I found her stash and am completely okay with it and am not judging her having them, but that it hurt my feelings that she would get onto me for it while owning toys herself. I would then tell her that from now on everyone should mind their own business with this sort of thing. You're both adults, and you both have a right to privacy.

Now, on the other hand, I just have that kind of relationship with my mom. We are very open with each other, and we've always been able to talk about anything. We may fight sometimes, but we still say what we feel. If you don't have that kind of relationship, I suppose you should approach it differently.
09/12/2011
Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by ToyGurl
Well, for one, I'm married. That shouldn't be some secret since she was front row at my wedding and I've been with him since my high school years. She always said that when I was married I could do whatever I wanted in my own home. So why ... more
I agree that you should talk to her about it but after reading more of the posts I think that talking about might make things worst in fact.

When you are trying to make a point, to someone who is very stubborn, and holds on to their ideals/beliefs like a parachute in free fall, you won't get your point across.

This happens to me A LOT with my mom. Some times she says things that are very illogical, or that lack intelligence or proper reasoning. If I disagree with what she says, I will voice my opinion but if I see she does not have the slightest openness to what I have to say, I stop. I let her say what she thinks and I let it be.

We are not religious in our family but we are spiritual and have our beliefs. I think that having really strong christian beliefs about what is wrong/right to do sexually is really hard to debate. It's a belief! How can you argue against that. No matter what you might say to argue/counter/make a point/ will be washed over by more counter arguments, even if they don't make sense.

I think that the only way to get your message across is not to discuss it with her, but rather cut her off. She will come around eventually but it might take some time. I had to do this with my mom and my father too at one point.

I would tell her, if you come over to visit me and invade my privacy or argue with me about my choice to use sexual aids, then don't come to visit me. If you do I won't let you in unless you respect these rules. If you don't I'll have to kick you out. You can't reason her about her beliefs but you can hold your end on concrete things such as what you will and will not tolerate. If she begins to argue then I would pull out the sly punch to the gut right after she makes a very strong statement, "I really don't understand why you are giving me a sermon about this while you have toys in 'x' place, if you want to judge me about what is wrong and right take a look in the mirror and address yourself first"

Perhaps that will jolt her back into place and shut her up for good. If she keeps on bringing the subject up I would avoid her until she comes to her senses and understands that god would want us to make love not war, that we were meant to enjoy our bodies, to live life, not restrict ourselves. There is no sin greater to me then to not live.
09/14/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by ToyGurl
Exactly. And funny thing is, she seems to know which ones are from EF so well. I would think she shops here! You know, the day I turned 18 I expected a few things from my mother:

1. TO RESPECT AND GIVE ME SOME PRIVACY. And like I mentioned, I ... more
Wait. She still goes through your stuff, and you have your own home? I don't even go through my kids' stuff while they do live in my home. I just won't do it. But, to go into your stuff IN your own home? WHEW.

It's one of the reasons my own mother has been asked to please not wander around upstairs in our home. She does this little, "Oh, P'Gell, dear, what IS this?" after grabbing something innocent off my dresser. She was up there to use the bathroom, not wander around my bedroom and go through my stuff. She just lost her privilege to all non-guest areas of my home. I said it and I meant it.
09/14/2011