LOL I'm the same, I walk through the kitchen and smack my hand or cut myself just walking. I have apparently zero awareness of my limbs and surrounding furniture/walls. I have two huge bruises and lumps from hitting the sharp part of my car door on my legs. I'm a certified klutz.

I was a cutter for many years and the best way I can describe it is this. imagine u are a young teenager, perhaps pre-teen depending on the person (cutting normally begins in adolescence.) Anyhow imagine your young and you have these feelings of internal pain. Perhaps an overwhelming sadness or anger, any feeling that might cause emotional overload, and imagine you don't know why. I had a wonderful family and a blessed childhood but emotionally I was hurting so bad and i didn't know why. As a grown woman I now know I am bi-polar with severe depression and because of this I have very intense emotions like sadness for no reason at all. Its the nature of the illness. But as a young girl I just knew I hurt and it sucked. I cut as a way to control. I understood the pain of cutting. I knew where it came from, and I had the ability to stop it. I don't cut anymore but I do struggle with myself at times. I have scars up and down my arms but I will never hide them. For me they remind me of where I am and have been. They also make it easier for me to approach people who currently cut since they see my arms and know anything I say is from experience.

Nope, never.

no I don't even like when i hurt myself accidentally

Wow! Sisterluck, I really think that was brave of you to say that. First timer here! Never have I told anyone that I have done that. My partner became really suspicious once or twice, but I went to great lengths to keep him off the topic. My twin sister just knew because she did as well, only I think hers was worse than mine. I think, for me, it was like I'd feel like I had NO way out of a particular situation and no control over it, so that is what I'd do when I couldn't break out of that weird situation. My sister was different. I think hers was more than just that. Rage. And so much more. Thankfully, neither of us do it anymore. My last time was over a year and a half ago, and she quit a couple years before that. I know what you mean, there are certain situations that don't just "send you over the edge," but they also send you somewhere else like a place where you can't get out. That is how it was for me, anyways. Hopeless. Also, dealing with certain things that will not leave you. You can't forget, can't stop being fearful of it or remembering it and you feel like the only "relief" is doing that. Maybe that's just me though. ? It's sort of like you can't breathe well. Maybe like a paper bag over your lungs and once you do cut or whichever method you use, you suddenly can breathe. Is this how it was/is for you? That is kind of the feeling I'd have. Only of course I wasn't actually not able to breathe, but that's a way to describe the feeling. A lot of self-injurers have said they felt numb, and harming themselves made them feel the opposite. For me, it actually was the opposite. I think I felt too much, and it was overwhelming. Too much hatred for myself, too much fear and anxiety all at once. Too much feeling, and instead of cutting to feel, I think I did it to somehow relieve the overwhelming amount of emotions.

Anyways, it was really awesome for you to bring this up. I love the discussion that came. Everyone sharing & learning about others who have overcame. This is good!

I'm glad, Sisterluck that you are trying to quit. I know what it's like to fall into where you do it regularly, each time a particular situation happens. You know, I've never had any of the "relapsing." I don't know what happened. I started working really hard on my health and the issues I was having with myself due to being raped, which is where the entire shit began, and I kept making these goals with both my health and the self-issues and fear & anxiety & freak outs I was having over the rape and I'd meet my goal. Once I got so far with healing my insides over that nasty incident, I quit having the urge to cut more and more. Until finally, my scalpel is still in my caboodle. I have 10 left and 8 of them have never been opened from their seal. One stays inside my compact after all these years and I see it there when I use it, but the blade no longer has any use. I just left them all there. Thankfully! I went through a lot of healing both mentally/emotionally and physically. I'd been suffering with endometriosis and IBS and when I healed those, I began working on the issues from the rape, and eventually became a "new" person when I thought that was not possible. I hated myself 2 years ago. And today, I'm much happier. So, just remember that you can break through. You can. Can! Can! I'm telling you. I am not saying it will be easy. I do not know your story or the reasons you self-mutilate/harm/inj ur, but I know that things can get so incredibly better! If that's even a sentence that makes sense. LOL.

What do you to to try and avoid it? If you don't mind me asking of course. When I am in one of those situations again, I have had to do other things to give me that relief, but I hardly ever have the urge these days. I've done things like pinch even hit an object and that gave me enough relief to not feel that continuos urge to cut. But then I started beading, making jewelry and crafting with embroidery thread. At one really tough point, I made an entire purse out of tiny strips of paper. That was really therapeutic! I've found that these little hobbies really keep me calm, even on days when I'm not freaking or having any issues, beading or crafting is so therapeutic to me that it seems to be a big help in keeping me more calm throughout a situation when it does show up. But when I first started beading, it was what I'd do when I got overly stressed and it helped to focus on something different, something that required patience and a lot of thought. Now I do it because I love it, but I do stay calmer.

Also, have you tried "guided imagery?" You might think it's crazy, but it's worth a shot to look into if it's something that you'd benefit from. I've tried it, but am so impatient and scatter brained that when I'm supposed to be deeply concentrating on the beach, I'm thinking about taking a shower instead. lol. But I've heard it provides so much benefits for your stress and anxiety, and for people who self harm.

Another thing I have found that keeps me calm during those days when I'm totally irritable and could easy fly off the handle is accupressure! Maybe this isn't something that'd help everyone, but it does me. I use this accupressure mat (a mat with spikes on it) and lay on it for at least an hour a day (sometimes I miss, but around super stressful times, I don't skip it) and it helps keep my emotions and irritability down, which is two things that would cause me to go off the deep end in the past, when they got out of control.

Oh, and in response to what Beck said, my sister also used to pull her hair. She started that when we were very small kids! She also went through a phase where she'd scratch her face until it bled when she was extremely upset. This was as a very small child, so it was no surprise that she grew up to self-harm. She was open about it though and had even done it in front of others (very few though). And I think her being so open about it is one thing that helped her to overcome it eventually. She had people to show care for her, and for her, I do think it made a difference.