Support him? Yes.

Still have sex with him? No.

I'd still care about him or her, but I'd need to find someone else to have sex with and fall in love with. I'm sure if he wanted to be a woman he wouldn't want me anymore. *shrug* I'm not worried about it.

I'm a hard hetero (kind of the flip side of a hard dyke or a hard gay man, simply only attracted to one sex. Believe me, it isn't "not being in touch" I'm in touch with my sexuality, and it's hetero. It's simple inability to enjoy certain types of sexual expression. I don't want to fuck women.)

I simply am NOT attracted sexually to women. I can't change who I am. Nor do I feel bad about it, its my wiring, the way I was born. I have no choice in the matter.

It isn't something I ever worry about. My Man and I have been together for 20+ years and we know each other proclivities well. He's a hetero man, I'm a hetero woman. While that doesn't work for everyone and I understand that, it works for me. I can't be something I'm not. less

Yeah, that's fine, I can understand that. I wonder how you would feel though if your partner expressed he was unhappy living as a man and would want to live as a woman, but still kept his genitals? My guess is since you are "hard hetero" the femininity would turn you off, but still, what if your partner physically changed in such a way that you found them unattractive (e.g. gained a couple hundred pounds, or if that IS your thing, lost a couple hundred)? Would you also stop having sex with him then? What I'm saying is, this is a person you know and love. If they could still satisfy you sexually (by keeping the genitals, for example), wouldn't their happiness be your number one concern? Here, I'm assuming he would still be as equally attracted to women as he currently is (i.e. he'd become a lesbian-identified woman) and thus would still want to be with you as much as before. less

Wow. I'm a little surprised by the number of people who wouldn't stay with their partner. As for the "sexual attraction" for reason, would you also leave your partner for losing a limb, going bald or getting old?

Are there other factors I don't understand? Family pressures? Religion? Confusion about own sexual identity? less

I can't compare My Man gaining weight to changing his essential sexual identity.

The two have nothing in common. Sexual identity is more than what one looks like, body shape and size are basically inconsequential. Sexual identity IS (if it isn't, then what difference does it make?) I can't compare the two. It's like apples and oranges. You are also making a LOT of assumptions; He would keep his male genitalia, he's still be attracted to women, he'd still want me.... that supposing a LOT.

I'd still support him, but I need to be attracted to who My man IS. If he were to become.... feminine?(is that it?) No, I wouldn't be attracted to him. As for the rest of his body changing femininity has nothing to do with body size or looks. I wouldn't leave a man for gaining weight, I couldn't still make love to him if he was living as a woman.

I've been with the same man for over 20 years. It ain't gonna happen. less

I guess we just view people/attraction differently.

The way I see it... if I am with someone and love that someone, and am attracted to that someone... physical changes (which is what transition is - inside, they're the same person) would not make me decide to leave that person. Be those changes in terms of sex (i.e. feminization of your husband's body) or anything else (i.e. the weight or other physical aspects). Sure, I might find the "previous" version more attractive, but that's still the same person - and I can't imagine falling "out" of love just because my partner physically changes - especially if this is someone I see as my LIFE partner. I'd rather see them become happy and less attractive to me than to either end the relationship or have them sacrifice their happiness for the sake of the relationship. I can't imagine placing so much emphasis on attraction/appearance in a relationship of over 20 years - and being so rigid in what attraction has to be.

As far as the gender identity (not sexual identity) - well, I suppose this one is more tough to relate to your case, being that your partner ISN'T trans at all. I mean, supposing your partner is trans means supposing he is a completely different person than you know him as. However, most trans people DON'T change much through transition, other than the physical aspects - they just tend to become more satisfied/happy with themselves by bringing their bodies in sync with their minds.

E.g. my partner and myself. We're both on the androgynous side, both female-bodied. However, she identifies as female (or really, doesn't bother/care to identify either way), whereas I identify as male. Since I've only come to terms with this identity DURING our relationship, she's been dealing with it along with me, and I suppose it's easier for her to deal (than it would be for you if your man were a transwoman) since I was always somewhere in the "middle" - so it's not as big a change/surprise, I suppose. Thus, it doesn't change who I am or who she sees me as. It's just a matter of adjusting some pronouns/labels and such - and later on, dealing with certain physical changes.

Perhaps this is why I see it as not that big of a deal, whereas for you it is a huge deal - for us, it doesn't change things between us much aside from physical aspects of me, whereas for you it would change EVERYTHING. What do you think? Perhaps that's the reason for our differing views? less

I don't really think it's fair to disrespect me simply because I am not bisexual.

I was born this way. I am not attracted sexually to women. It's the way I'm wired. Not everyone IS bisexual. Nor can anyone FORCE themselves to have sex with a gender they are not attracted to. That would be like telling a gay man that he HAS TO have sex with a woman, simply because he likes her personality. I like a lot of people's personalities, but I don't want to have sex with them.

Also, I don't think you are reading my posts properly, if you think, as you say "I can't imagine placing so much emphasis on attraction/appearance in a relationship.." I can't change my essential desire for sex with men and my lack of desire and ability to want to have sex with a female bodied person. Period. I have sex with people because of the sexual attraction. I am not going to force myself to have sex with someone I don't find myself attracted to in order to fit into someone else's mold.

I am not pansexual, nor do I feel I need to make people think I am for any reason. I'm hetero. A lot of people are, and many of us are VERY understanding and tolerant and happy to celebrate and support the GLBT community. I have a lot of GLBT friends and you are the first of this community that is NOT respectful of MY sexuality.

And sexual identity has NOTHING to do with "appearance." ;


Is the reason for what you call "differing views" is that you are bisexual? I don't know, I don't KNOW you. (Nor do you know me.) You imply gender makes no difference to you. I find myself attracted to masculine men. Sorry, it's the way I was made. I can't be "fixed" anymore than a Gay or Lesbian can be "made" to desire the opposite sex. Nor should they.

You seem to think that the ONLY right way for people to be is "androgynous." While some are attracted to this, we aren't all.

Let me ask you a question; do you find yourself attracted to a big butch masculine man? If not, why not? Don't you feel even ASKING that question could be construed as a bit presumptuous? If you do, then please allow me the same tolerance. less

As much as I LOVE my husband, I could stay married to him. I would feel incredibly hurt and betrayed (like he broke every vow we made to each other and lied to me, our family, friends, and our son everyday for the last 2 decades). I am incredibly loyal(to a fault -- typical Leo) and I expect the same from him and the majority of my friends. I would never be able to trust him again.

We adore our sex-life and would be devastated that the other would take that away from us.

I posed this question to my husband and he has a really good point. It is NOT just a physical appearance that is changing with a "sex change" operation. You are taking away organs that create hormones which help make up who we are and by taking them away it will change your emotional make-up as well as the physical. This is a deal breaker for the both of us! less

I think you completely misread my post. I wasn't disrespecting you (or your heterosexuality) at all (at least I didn't mean to and don't see why you think that based on my second/previous post). If you re-read my post, you will see that I was explaining MY experiences and MY viewpoints - i.e. that I can't imagine that attraction would be so rigid to me. Key word "I". Similarly, I'm sure *you* can't imagine being attracted to more feminine/androgynous men and/or (any) women - i.e. attraction is (as far as gender is concerned) much more rigid for you than it is for me. BECAUSE I'm pansexual obviously I can't imagine something like a sex change influencing me to leave my partner - especially my life partner. BECAUSE you're heterosexual (without any flexibility, or attraction to anything outside of masculinity) - you probably can't imagine something like a sex change NOT influencing you to leave your partner.

Our differing sexual orientations and identities are what make our positions on this different - NOT that being androgynous is any more "right" than being masculine or feminine. Not at all - and I don't see why you thought I think that. I was simply saying that SINCE I've always been more on the androgynous/boyish side of things, it's not such a big CHANGE for my partner to deal with me transitioning as it would be for you if suddenly your manly man came to you and said "I'm transitioning to become female". That was my point with the whole androgyny talk. It isn't such a big "shift" in my case - since most people when they see me already think I am male, even though I'm not even on testosterone yet, nor have I had any type of surgery. So, that's why I assume it might be easier for my partner to deal with me transitioning than it would be for you if your man said he was trans all of a sudden. First there's the issue of him suddenly becoming a completely different person (i.e. going from being a completely masculine male to being a feminine female is a big change, whereas going from being a masculine female to actually being physically male isn't as big - in your man's case, the changes wouldn't just be physical, whereas in my case they are). And second there's the issue of attraction - my partner and I were both attracted to each other as androgynous in the first place, whereas you aren't attracted to androgyny or femininity, so it wouldn't be appealing to you to see your man transform from masculine to androgynous/feminine.

The other aspect of what I wrote in that part of my post was to say that being that your man ISN'T trans or even remotely feminine, we can't accurately set up this hypothetical situation. Why? Because most trans folks ARE feminine (if MTF) or masculine (if FTM). A minority are "living a lie" in the sense that they present as completely the opposite of the gender they identify with. And I could definitely understand someone feeling betrayed and not staying with a person who was living a lie, that would be like me presenting as a completely feminine girl (which is DEFINITELY not me) and then suddenly saying "I'm transitioning to male". It's expected that my partner would probably feel betrayed and like they don't know me - because I would cease to be that feminine girl they thought I was. That's why in these other cases - where the person is ALREADY feminine (MTF)/masculine (FTM), it's much easier to deal with, because they stay the same person, all that really changes are the physical aspects of them and that they might grow emotionally stronger/happier due to the transition, which should be a positive change. However, the problem with you putting yourself in that situation is that you would never have been with a man who was feminine to begin with and thus would never be in that potential situation.

Basically, everything I elaborated on in THIS post was summed up in the last paragraph of my previous post - everything that came before that last paragraph in my previous post was my thought-process that led me to that conclusion, but I repeat that none of it had anything to do with YOU (i.e. disrespecting you/your relationship/your orientation), but with MY views - since I can only speak for myself - and sorting out MY view led me to realise what it is that must be making us have different opinions on the matter.

Now, to address a few things you wrote about in your post.

I agree that no one should force oneself to have sex with someone they don't want to have sex with (you technically COULD, but that doesn't mean you SHOULD). I simply figured that in a loving committed life-partnership, one would still want to be intimate with that other person, even though their body has changed. However, the main issue that I failed to acknowledge initially was the fact that in a relationship such as yours (where your partner is definitely nowhere near androgyny, let alone femininity), it wouldn't be just their body that would be changing if they transitioned - it would be THEM that would be changing completely in so many aspects - and this would definitely influence not only your sexual relationship with your partner, but your relationship in general.

I'm pretty sure that if it was only the SEXUAL (physical) part - it wouldn't be as big an issue (e.g. if in some weird, unfortunate accident, your partner lost his genitals, and/or his body simply changed in a way that is not attractive to you e.g. he's overly skinny or obese or is missing several limbs or is bald, too hairy, not hairy enough, too old - whatever you can think of that might be unattractive to you) - it probably wouldn't make you leave him, right? Even though the sexual/physical aspect of your relationship might change in that case - everything else would stay the same (unlike if he goes from male to female, which changes so much about him).

Also, I have the feeling that the straight women who say they WOULD stay with their male partner even if they transitioned to female are either slightly "flexible" with their sexual orientation (and they might not have even realised it before) or their partners already might be slightly androgynous or feminine and thus the change wouldn't be a total change. I was using straight women as an example here - a similar statement could be made regarding straight men or gay women staying vs. not staying with their FTM partners, or gay men staying vs. not staying with their MTF partners.

A final note: everything I write here is just me basically "thinking out loud" so please don't take offence to any of it, as it's not meant to insult/disrespect anyone. If you find I completely "missed" something or took something the wrong way or whatnot, let me know and perhaps I'll be able to see things from your perspective better. I did miss a big point when I first posted here, but I amended that during my thought-process in my second (previous) post, so correct me if I've still got the wrong idea or something. less

I've read through all of these, and I think the big difference is one of you is talking about sexual identity and the other is talking about gender identity. I agree that your sexual identity is very important, but I think the thing is that you are dating a man and you know he's a man and he knows it and that's that. I think that's very fortunate because sometimes it's not so obvious. Personally I've gone back and forth between whether or not I am a man, to finally realizing that in fact, yes, I am. I think I knew all along but there are so many different points of view on what that is that I didn't feel like I fit at all. There's also a lot of different ideas on what it means to transition and once I realized that I don't have to do it any certain way, I knew this was who I was supposed to be. I can't imagine anyone asking me to change my sexual identity, but I also can't imagine someone leaving me after years and years because I was a man and they were a lesbian. Fortunately, my girlfriend has always been supportive and knew before we even started dating that I was trans.

I think that the point about physical appearance changing the way you are sexually attracted to someone is very valid. The reason, I think, you don't see them as similar is because you keep calling transitioning a sexual change. It is not. I don't even know what a sexual change would be. All that's going to happen when I start fulling transitioning will be my appearance and how deep my voice gets. NOTHING else. I will be the same man I am today, I will be the same sexually as I am today whatever that means. In fact I think the only "sexual change" that will come from transitioning will be an increased libido and I can't imagine my girlfriend complaining. less

It looks like I would have to get in line with many others. In order to properly answer this question, it would depend on what the reason for the change was in the first place. Since my wife and I have been married for 43 years so far, for either of us to have a sex change operation, it would be a major change in our marriage. If the reasons were that it was a matter of one person being trapped for all of these years in the body of another, then it would make sense to have the operations, and to have my full support. My wife would still be the same person as before, the only change would be physical, not emotional and the soul. less