The New Intimacy

Why do girls (perhaps anybody) feel ashamed about having sex? Anyone is welcome to answer

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Contributor: spiced spiced
I'm a guy and I feel no shame about anything!

The first time I had sex, it was with another guy and I DID feel something like shame at the time, but after more sex with women (and off and on for years with the same guy), I stopped feeling anything but good about sex.

I believe the shame originally stems from reproduction, or lack thereof. Until recently (last 150 years or so), most people lived in small communities and most of the people they knew were relatives. The health and prosperity of those small communities depended on "appropriate" reproduction. If people had children out of wedlock, it weakened the community because other people had to spend some of their precious and limited resources helping the irresponsible person raise their kid. And if someone was gay and DIDN'T reproduce, the community suffered because it didn't grow as much. So, in that world, it was logical to consider promiscuous sexual behavior shameful. Over time, that shame became codified by religion.

But today, with a myriad of birth control options, and with single parents and gay people perfectly capable of supporting their children without burdening anyone else, shame is an unnecessary relic.

I think a lot of the problems in our lives today stem from the disconnect between the world (physical and especially social) we're evolved for and the world we live in, which is drastically different because of agriculture and the industrial revolution. But that's a whole 'nother topic.
01/26/2013
Contributor: misterazor misterazor
Quote:
Originally posted by hmb12
My goal is to figure out why girls especially find sex so shameful. Some girls are embarrassed of the number of guys they have slept with or the acts they have done in the bedroom. I personally don't feel ashamed, so I will add that option. ... more
as a guy, i don't care if a girl has had lots of sex. though, a man might find it intimidating; trying to satisfy someone who is experienced creates fear of judgment over his performance. i think women give each other a harder time than men do; jealousy, competition...smearing a girl's reputation to make one's self look like a better option.

those are some thoughts; however, i think its our society. our views of sexuality and nudity are stuck in the 1700's. i'm surprised we are not still burning women for witchcraft. that brings up another point...control; male dominated society; demonize a women for her sexuality so that she will stay in her proper place, waiting on her man. brainwashing bullshit. i blame the church. if there were ever a more women-hating institution on earth, i've never heard of it. read genesis. child birth was eve's punishment for being a temptress, while adam's punishment was to eat of the tree of knowledge forevermore. if god exists i find it hard to believe he or she would want women to be mere cattle, created for the satisfaction of men. but then, men wrote the bible.

final thought...as for men being sexually unrestriced...if that were true, infidelity would not so often end in divorce. women do not accept that men should be sexually unrestricted. women expect their men to be faithful, and lie about being attracted to other women. no, it's okay to be attracted, as long as we don't want to have sex with other women...so, we lie and say we don't want to, even though you know we want to. so, what's worse, to lie about wanting to have sex with others, or to tell the truth about it? i guess what i am saying is that we, men and women both, have our issues and nobody ever really wins.
01/27/2013
Contributor: hmb12 hmb12
I'm not religious, but I try to move away from blaming the church as much as possible. I do agree that this male dominated society has historically pushed women down on purpose, and that we either unconsciously or consciously allow that to continue. It shows a lot in the church, but I honestly would like to believe that the church could evolve if they were educated, but sadly the major "law makers" of the church are quite close minded and distant from reality.

Those who show up to church with vastly different social beliefs, like me, tend to keep quiet. I've never been baptized and I don't know if I plan on ever doing so, so I try to keep my nose out of church politics. However, I do think that the church should be a little less judgmental. When I do visit the Catholic Church with my boyfriend, I do like the people, I just hope they don't ever open their mouths and say something stupid. I also don't like much that my boyfriend has to confess his sin of premarital sex. It's disturbing that the church cares about sex anymore.
01/27/2013
Contributor: falalena falalena
Quote:
Originally posted by hmb12
My goal is to figure out why girls especially find sex so shameful. Some girls are embarrassed of the number of guys they have slept with or the acts they have done in the bedroom. I personally don't feel ashamed, so I will add that option. ... more
not long ago i was ashamed of how much i wanted to have sex, what i wanted to do, etc. but maintaining as well as following different sex blogs on tumblr has helped to where i have zero shame. talking openly with my close friends (male, female, couples) have made me realized that im not the only one who does/wants what i do/want.
01/27/2013
Contributor: ViVix ViVix
Quote:
Originally posted by hmb12
My goal is to figure out why girls especially find sex so shameful. Some girls are embarrassed of the number of guys they have slept with or the acts they have done in the bedroom. I personally don't feel ashamed, so I will add that option. ... more
I don't really feel shame. There are a ton of other feelings though usually...anxiety, excitement, etc.
01/27/2013
Contributor: evie.amor evie.amor
Girls get labeled sluts if they have multiple sex partners. I don't feel this way but I know a lot of people that do, including my boyfriend. It makes me uncomfortable when he makes comments about female friends of mine being sluts when he hears that they have a new boyfriend.
01/27/2013
Contributor: Antipova Antipova
I feel like I can't answer this, because I'm not personally ashamed. Only those who are can do a good job answering from a first-hand perspective, I think.
01/27/2013
Contributor: Septimus Septimus
I grew up in a household where I was repeatedly told that "good girls don't do that."
While I was never exactly ashamed of having sex, I was sometimes ashamed of enjoying it so much, if that makes any sense.
I was also told (by my mother) that every man wants to marry a virgin, and if you sleep with a man before you're married, he'll leave you. She said this about the man I had (at the time) been seeing for over 2 years. We had been sleeping together for about a year at the time, and he proposed a few years later. Clearly he didn't leave me after we fucked the first time...
It's taken me a long time to get over some of the things I was told growing up, but I'm making a lot of progress.
01/27/2013
Contributor: Wicked Wahine Wicked Wahine
Quote:
Originally posted by spiced
I'm a guy and I feel no shame about anything!

The first time I had sex, it was with another guy and I DID feel something like shame at the time, but after more sex with women (and off and on for years with the same guy), I stopped feeling ... more
I agree. I wish I had something cogent to add, but you covered everything so well!
01/27/2013
Contributor: edeneve edeneve
both genders have been socialized differently regarding any sexual activity.
01/27/2013
Contributor: Hummingbird Hummingbird
I voted I do not feel ashamed but I need to qualify that. Even after 24-25 years of marriage I felt guilty about it, like I didn't deserver to enjoy it. Being 59, I grew up in the generation that you only left home to get married. But not me and even though I tried to follow my own path the guilt remained.

Then 1 year ago, I lost the guild, why can't I enjoy it? Why should I feel guilty about it? It's my body too! Why do I let other's control how I feel? So no, no longer do I feel guilty about sex with my husband nor masterbation by myself. Its a healthy and enjoyable thing to love your own body and appreciate it. Too bad it took me 58 + years to realize that!
01/27/2013
Contributor: spiced spiced
Quote:
Originally posted by edeneve
both genders have been socialized differently regarding any sexual activity.
That's true and again, the reasons for this come from our pre-industrial history. Women get pregnant; men do not. Also, before DNA testing, it was fairly easy for a man to deny a child was his, but not so for a woman!
01/28/2013
Contributor: kdlt kdlt
Most of my female friends feel horribly ashamed- it's sad! And most of my friends (both genders) shame other people that come off as promiscuous or kinky. :/ Hate it.
01/28/2013
Contributor: souviet souviet
Quote:
Originally posted by hmb12
My goal is to figure out why girls especially find sex so shameful. Some girls are embarrassed of the number of guys they have slept with or the acts they have done in the bedroom. I personally don't feel ashamed, so I will add that option. ... more
because society shames women for having sex. :/
01/28/2013
Contributor: wildshores wildshores
the way patriarchy and misogyny operate in modernity has a lot to do with it i think
if you look at other axes of modern inequality and oppression you see gender interacting at the intersections, often manifesting in conflict over control of sexuality
misogyny is so pervasive we often don't recognize it. i feel a lot of shame about my body and my sexuality (both that it exists and that it's not directed toward men). this shame was unintelligible to me, too, until recently, as american society affirms those feelings, and there's not a widespread, honest conversation to help facilitate thought and self-understanding.
i feel it so much that often shame seems natural, or i don't notice it. or like i made myself ashamed of my sexuality. but the social mechanisms of patriarchy created it in me, deliberately and violently.
always we are told on a base level our bodies are gross. always in need of watching, refreshing, improving. your natural body is ugly and that ugliness condemns you. don't look fake, your fakeness condemns you. we need to please men/boys. ignore their bad behavior. don't have sex. don't be a virgin. these are two very important things and they're all about performance. porn as a reflection of sexuality. nothing about women's agency, women's anger, women's eroticism. there is no ready-made space for us in the world, crammed into contradictory expectations of performance for the male gaze. we internalize the male gaze and see ourselves through it. that many girls and women are ashamed of their sexuality is no surprise.
01/28/2013