The New Intimacy

She's not enjoying penetration anymore

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Contributor: shepegsME shepegsME
Okay, here's the deal.
Recently my girl is saying that she's not into penetration. Even though she can orgasm from vaginal sex and g-spot. She says I'm kinda large so it's not very comfy. She would rather mutually masturbate or peg me while she masturbates. Even though she has recently expressed it, she has been hinting off to it for a while now. So she associates sex with discomfort I presume. So why is she doing this? Please help me. You can vote on why you think she's not wanting to have penetration sex and comment below.
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
It's just a faze, no worries
25
She's actually a lesbian. Most lesbians don't enjoy penetration
1
She's totally an anal girl
She's enjoying pegging too much
2
Low sex drive
28
Penetration sex gets old after a while
6
Need more foreplay
62
Maybe she's wanting to switch roles. PERMANENTLY
1
Doesn't love me anymore
5
Secretly wants another "smaller" guy
Total votes: 130 (73 voters)
Poll is closed
07/28/2010
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Contributor: GingerAnn GingerAnn
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07/28/2010
Contributor: Sir Sir
NONE OF THE ABOVE!

Maybe it honestly DOES hurt her! Maybe you're not working her up enough. Maybe she's not lubricated enough. Why would you think these things?! There are PLENTY of lesbians who enjoy penetration! That's just a person's personal preference. Talk it out with her! Ask her what she likes!

Does she like clitoral stimulation more? Maybe a few fingers inside of her might work her up? Maybe a little lube?

And by the way...you can NEVER enjoy pegging too much!
07/28/2010
Contributor: Sir Sir
Also, what exactly is your penis size? This may help you breach how big she is inside and what you have to do to get her there.
07/28/2010
Contributor: shepegsME shepegsME
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
Also, what exactly is your penis size? This may help you breach how big she is inside and what you have to do to get her there.
Thank you for the response. It's true, she hates foreplay and that maybe part of the problem. Stress is really a big deal.

Had to run upstairs and get hard for this one. Here's my size:

Length: 7.25"-7.5"
Width: 2"
Circ: 5.25"

BTW - We both LOVE pegging. It has revived our sex life.
07/28/2010
Contributor: Sir Sir
Quote:
Originally posted by shepegsME
Thank you for the response. It's true, she hates foreplay and that maybe part of the problem. Stress is really a big deal.

Had to run upstairs and get hard for this one. Here's my size:

Length: 7.25"-7.5"
Width: ... more
Then there you go. You are a bit bigger than average, so this may be the problem. The only thing that I personally find odd is the fact that you've been together for so long (am I correct on this?) and she has just come out with the fact that it hurts.

You said that stress is really a big deal. Is she under a lot of stress at the moment? This may be part of it, because sometimes when a person is under a lot of stress, they just want to get off quick and easy and not take it slow.

I still say talk to her about it, maybe ask her what can help her not feel this way or if there's anything that the two of you, together, can do to open her up a bit more to your size. Also maybe add that, while you love pegging, you still want to be able to have sex with her where YOU'RE the one doing the penetration.
07/28/2010
Contributor: shepegsME shepegsME
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
Then there you go. You are a bit bigger than average, so this may be the problem. The only thing that I personally find odd is the fact that you've been together for so long (am I correct on this?) and she has just come out with the fact that it ... more
Thank you. Perhaps I am a bit larger than ave. I thought I was average really.

Yeah, stress from work is a big deal. And really, it's not the first time she expresses it. My mistake. But before she'd try anyway, now she just doesn't want to do penetration at all.
07/28/2010
Contributor: Sir Sir
Quote:
Originally posted by shepegsME
Thank you. Perhaps I am a bit larger than ave. I thought I was average really.

Yeah, stress from work is a big deal. And really, it's not the first time she expresses it. My mistake. But before she'd try anyway, now she just ... more
Average is about 5 1/2", I believe, in length, and 1 1/2" in diameter (I do not know if the diameter is right, though).

Well, alright! Then talking should do the trick, it'll allow you to both discuss what you're feeling about it. I mean, hey, maybe you can work something out with anal penetration for her? Sometimes the anus is more elastic and forgiving than the vagina.
07/28/2010
Contributor: Envy Envy
I believe stress also makes it harder to get aroused. When it's harder for a woman to get aroused, her vaginal canal won't lubricate properly, or her cervix and such move up quite as well, making sex painful where it was otherwise pleasant.
07/28/2010
Contributor: LiftedUp LiftedUp
Great advice from all the posts above.

I would also like to add to what Goth said, in that stress and discomfort can also lead to INVOLUNTARY muscle contraction in the pubococcygeus muscle. If this is the case, it will make penetration even more difficult, and forcing herself to do so can certainly result in elevated pain. Things you can try to help (if this is the case) is to allow her time to relax and loosen up first. Maybe increased foreplay, maybe a glass of wine or two in the evening before you play together, maybe she could start doing some kegel exercises as it will give her greater control over those muscles and allow them to relax more readily.

There are many possibilities and options here, but you should really start by communicating with her openly and honestly about what's going on, and how the two of you want to go forward working it out together.

Good Luck!
07/28/2010
Contributor: PassionQT PassionQT
I'll personally vouch for stress making it harder for a woman to become aroused. Also, sex often evolves the longer you are with someone. It's true. You know how it feels when you first start dating someone? The feeling of euphoria, excitement? It takes a lot more to get me revved up now than it did when we were dating and it was all new to me. You just have to find what works for you two.
07/28/2010
Contributor: Alicia Alicia
Could she be drier lately? If she's not feeling as lubricated as normal it could be causing her pain during penetration. Also, has she seen her ob/gyn about this? If it's physical pain and not just that she prefers not to have it, I'd suggest she get checked out, if she's been able to take your size all this time and now suddenly can't, I'd personally want to just get checked out just to make sure everything is a-ok!
07/28/2010
Contributor: ScottA ScottA
You're going to have to deal with the stress. I'm not sure if you can talk it out as a couple or if she's going to need to pull in her close friends or a counselor, but stress can cause problems across her whole life.

For the sex, if she wants to have P-V with you (if she doesn't then there's something to talk about as a couple) you're probably going to need to come up with some foreplay that she enjoys and perhaps use lube as well.
07/28/2010
Contributor: ~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
NONE OF THE ABOVE!

Maybe it honestly DOES hurt her! Maybe you're not working her up enough. Maybe she's not lubricated enough. Why would you think these things?! There are PLENTY of lesbians who enjoy penetration! That's just a ... more
Idk, I mean you said you were together for a long time right? Is this the first time she is pulling the size card? To me it seems like her feelings have changed or there is not enough foreplay. What I want to do sexually changes with my feelings. But she may also have just found something she really likes to do with you more so than penetration. I think it should be an even exchange though. Like for example...ass for ass (asumming you are not getting the pleasure you want). She pegs you, you get penetration too.
07/28/2010
Contributor: sweet sally sweet sally
Everyone above has great advice. I know as a female with a highly stressful job in the past, it helps to have a partner at home willing to at least alleviate what stress we have there.

What I mean by this is helping with housework and kids (if you have any). Maybe when you have the time you could fix her dinner (or order in), talk about work and what in particular is stressing her, follow up with a nice massage with oils. Then, if needed, move onto lubricating her using your fingers. I know you say she doesn't enjoy foreplay, but that may be because she doesn't feel she's in a relaxed enough environment.

Please try not to take this all too personally, communication is the key to a wonderful sex life.
07/28/2010
Contributor: Kayla Kayla
I gotta say that I'm not personally into penetration really. It tends to be on the more painful side. Has nothing to do with chores or anything - it just is not quite as pleasurable for me as external play. However, I've found that lots of foreplay and using a good amount of lube does make it more pleasurable.
07/28/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
When I was in my early 30s, I developed Endometriosis. It is not uncommon in women, and more common in women who have severe menstrual cramps and/or have not had children. (Although I had had kids previously and still had pretty serious endo.) This is when the part of the lining of the uterus, usually shed during menstruation, exits the uterus into the body cavity, via the fallopian tubes or even the cervix, or by a function not yet understood and attaches to internal organs, the outside of the uterus, the intestines etc. The endometrium then continues to GROW and attempt to SHED during menstruation, but has no way out.

Basically, she may be bleeding INTO her body, with no exit. The endometrial "implants" (as the bits of tissue which attach outside the uterus are called) continue to grow and bleed, and they can make penetrative sex VERY painful.

IMO, she needs to see a GYN to see if her plumbing is OK. It may well be NOT endometriosis, but if it is, (or an other Gynecological problem) she needs treatment, and time to heal.

Please, this condition has many symptoms, but usually is only diagnosed by symptomology and if believed to be present, an outpatient surgical procedure. She needs to be examined as painful sex, that is NEW needs to be looked at by a doctor.

You are a big guy, no doubt, but she was always comfortable with it before. Even a virgin can accommodate a large man, if proper preparations are made. (ie, stimulation, enough lube, etc) I'm not a big fan of the idea "it hurts because she's stressed." We tend to blame stress for EVERYTHING, when I am stressed I LOOK FORWARD to sex, because I know it will DeSTRESS me. If this is a new problem, and she is honest that it really HURTS, the issue may well be medical.
07/28/2010
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
good luck! It sounds like a couple symptoms for something bigger!
07/28/2010
Contributor: Alan & Michele Alan & Michele
This may be off in left field, but if she's in her late 30s or early 40s she could be entering pre-menopause. One of my first symptoms (before skipping any periods even) was a tightening of the muscles and a change in the skin that did cause some discomfort for awhile. Lots of foreplay and making sure there was enough lube was the answer.
07/28/2010
Contributor: shepegsME shepegsME
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
good luck! It sounds like a couple symptoms for something bigger!
What do you mean?
07/28/2010
Contributor: Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
I voted it's just a phase - but I agree with JR, the other possibility is that there's something more serious going on. Honestly the it's too big excuse is pretty lame - she's covering for something?
07/28/2010
Contributor: shepegsME shepegsME
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
I voted it's just a phase - but I agree with JR, the other possibility is that there's something more serious going on. Honestly the it's too big excuse is pretty lame - she's covering for something?
She doesn't find me as attractive anymore?
07/28/2010
Contributor: kck kck
Quote:
Originally posted by shepegsME
She doesn't find me as attractive anymore?
I don't think it's fair for any of us to speculate or "diagnose" what's going on, since we don't know the particulars of your relationship or either of you. I'd suggest you sit down with her and try to (tactfully) strike up a conversation about it. Communication seems to be lacking in this situation, and I think it will help you find your answer.
07/28/2010
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
Quote:
Originally posted by shepegsME
She doesn't find me as attractive anymore?
No one here can really say one way or another. I really think talking about it with her, open and candidly, would be a good idea. But you know your partner better than anyone here, so we can only speculate.

I don't think it's good to assume it's a problem on your end, second guessing can create self-esteem problems or give a scape-goat reason and not get to the heart of the issue.
07/28/2010
Contributor: shepegsME shepegsME
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
No one here can really say one way or another. I really think talking about it with her, open and candidly, would be a good idea. But you know your partner better than anyone here, so we can only speculate.

I don't think it's good to ... more
Well, she finds men on TV VERY attractive these days. Even the subject of her fantasies.
07/28/2010
Contributor: Alan & Michele Alan & Michele
Quote:
Originally posted by shepegsME
Well, she finds men on TV VERY attractive these days. Even the subject of her fantasies.
Then that's all the more reason to talk to her (tactfully) about it. It could be physical or emotional, but you're never going to find out until you open some constructive communication lines with her.
07/28/2010
Contributor: shepegsME shepegsME
Quote:
Originally posted by Alan & Michele
Then that's all the more reason to talk to her (tactfully) about it. It could be physical or emotional, but you're never going to find out until you open some constructive communication lines with her.
We have but the excuse is tycally low sex drive and stress.
07/28/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
No one here can really say one way or another. I really think talking about it with her, open and candidly, would be a good idea. But you know your partner better than anyone here, so we can only speculate.

I don't think it's good to ... more
Absolutely. You two need to talk this over between the two of you when you are NOT involved in sexual activity at the time.

We can't guess what is going on in her mind or body. I suggested ONE thing, out of MANY it might be, but you can't KNOW unless you talk to her and both of you are honest.

I doubt it has anything to do with "attractiveness" though.

You said she is using "low sex drive and stress" as an excuse, which means neither of you have gotten to the crux of the problem. BOTH of these "excuses" have resolutions, if they are worked on. Have you considered both a physical exam of her with a GYN AND maybe a few sessions with a Couples Therapist? Both could do wonders, and YOU wouldn't have to stress yourself to hell and back worrying.
07/28/2010
Contributor: Tuesday Tuesday
Quote:
Originally posted by Alan & Michele
This may be off in left field, but if she's in her late 30s or early 40s she could be entering pre-menopause. One of my first symptoms (before skipping any periods even) was a tightening of the muscles and a change in the skin that did cause some ... more
Yes. I don't know how long before menopause it starts but there can be significant vaginal shrinkage during menopause. I know I'm much smaller now than I used to be. Combine this with thinning of the vagina and less lubrication and that can lead to painful intercourse.

But I'm not sure if this is what's going on with her.

Also, since I gave birth, if its been awhile since there's been penetration, it hurts until I'm fully warmed up. It feels like cramps at the vaginal opening, esp. near my episiotomy scar.

I agree with those who said consulting a gynecologist will be helpful.
07/28/2010
Contributor: Kayla Kayla
Quote:
Originally posted by shepegsME
We have but the excuse is tycally low sex drive and stress.
So have you asked her what you can do to help alleviate those problems?
07/28/2010