"I don't know what should be done with a spouse who doesn't want sex."


Honestly, I do not know the answer to that question either. I also know there are many relationships where the wife gives it up quite frequently but won't do that *one* thing he wants. Then he finds a mistress to do it for him. I don't understand the type of guy who doesn't respect his wife's wishes if that's the case.

Interesting theory on the sex-based relationship ideal. It really makes a lot of sense. I would never say my relationship is based totally on sex, but it definitely is a very large percentage of the reason why the rest of my relationship works so well. less

It depends on what "that one thing" is. Does he want to beat her with a dead rat? Or have an orgy covered in peanut butter? Or does he want to actually get some head or some anal sex once in a while? My Man and I hvae been together for several decades and have always been able to work out what either of us needs and wants from our sex and our relationship.

I said people say "I don't want a sex based relationship." But, they may see some relationships with a LOT of sex as "sex based." When other people see having sex daily or nearly daily a normal thing, some others may see this type of relationship as "sex based." Face it, men and women don't always have the same interests all the time, but if you are in a hetero relationship, sex is the one thing you do have in common and will enjoy doing together. (Hell, in any relationship this is true, I know Gay and Lesbian people who don't have a lot of "similar interests" but the sex is part of the glue that holds the relationship together.) I think sex is the difference between a good friendship and a "relationship." Mileage etc. (Although, that isn't saying I've never had sex with "friends." (But, not often.) But, a serious romantic relationship, at least IMO, requires sex as part of the equation. Mileage again.

I don't understand the phrase "the wife gives it up quite frequently." My Man and I have sex, on average 6 to 10 times a week, however I NEVER see having sex as "giving it up" as I want it as much as he does. Maybe that's part of a lot of people's problems, the woman sees sex as a chore or "giving something up" that she really doesn't want to do.

My Man and I "make love" we "fuck" we "scene" we "get it on" but we never EVER expect either one of us to "give it up" (which we see as lying there waiting for it to be over) or make sex a chore. Sex is sharing and enjoying, not just doing it to get it over for the week, like so many women I know look at sex. Sad, I think, when people think that way.

When one of us wants to try something new, or different, we approach it as a new adventure and a new challenge. I don't see doing new things as "putting out" or "giving it up." It's sharing. less

We always want what we cant have don't we? I think that's why I used to find myself chasing emotionally unavailable men. But, that's another topic for another day!

I think for people who are purely seeking sexual gratification outside their marriage, they should talk to their spouse and figure out why. If it's just about sexual appetites, I'd be more apt to consider it and be ok with it. If it has something to do with wanting out of the relationship, I'd rather my partner just say it. These things are clearly complicated, but I think it's the lack of honesty "cheating" piece that I really disagree with. less

I am wondering why the men have not replied.


Ok first of all the men I talk to online have no idea what state I am in nor what I look like. When I went online I was not looking for a hook up. Yes I do flirt with both men and woman and keep my private life private. I was surprise how many married people are online chatting for hours. I thought if you have someone you will spend your time w/ them I am single and sometimes get board and go online like I do here.

I never really thought about older people (58+) and their sex life till I started talking to the men. Most say their wives are no longer interested in sex and it was something that they confided in me gradually and none have asked me to meet up. Yes we say oh wouldn't it be nice if we could go see that movie together blah, blah. And yes with two I did ok have cyber sex. But at no point have we ever said lets meet. Just a lot if I was there, or if I was single. Some I lost touch with others I do not know that well.

But I think feel safe talking and flirting w/ me cause they know I am not looking for bf or a hook up and I like talking to them cause not only are they charming but unlike the single guys they are not trying to find out what state I am in or trying to convince me to meet up, how they will fly/drive to me to fly me out and etc...

I consider the few I still talk to great friends and yes back in the beginning they did say stuff like my wife has only given oral sex one, we no longer have etc. but now its more of I can't wait to surprise my wife with blah, blah or I got to set my alarm clock early to go by my wife such and such amount of fresh roses for out anniversary. I think its sweet that they can talk to me about stuff like that.

I do believe in do onto others as you will like to be done onto you and my parents did divorce cause my dad was cheating on my mom when I was very young BUT I wonder if I were to ever meet and have lunch or coffee with them if might not hug longer than I should or kiss the lips instead of the cheek.

It just at thought and like I said I know two tweeps who are happily married he has children she doesn't and they are seeing each other. And no I didn't ask them ( I am not sure she knows that I know that they are each married, he was the one that told me and if was not for him I would have thought they were both single and heavily flirting & throwing comments that made you wonder if it was more than flirting) how would they like it if their spouses were do to what they are doing or were. I think they broke up caused she moved. Again I have lost touch with some.

Oh and the Sexless marriage among older people is a common this I have come across several articles and even on SexisMag Nina Hartley talks about it link less

So I have met a lot of interesting people online. The ones that I connect better with have been with older married men. They seem to be so sweet, fun, caring and of course sexual. I have flirted with some, have naughty talk with few, and been platonic with the rest. I know think differently cause of it.

Before I started talking to them I couldn't understand how anyone could be with someone that was in a committed relationship especially if they were married. One guy told me how he and another person I know online were both married but seeing each other. How they loved their spouses, and happily married but wanted more sexually.

So here is where my curiousity kicks in.

Have you ever had a fling with a married or committed person before and what are your thoughts about it. less

I am wondering why the men have not replied.


Ok first of all the men I talk to online have no idea what state I am in nor what I look like. When I went online I was not looking for a hook up. Yes I do flirt with both men and woman and keep my private life private. I was surprise how many married people are online chatting for hours. I thought if you have someone you will spend your time w/ them I am single and sometimes get board and go online like I do here.

I never really thought about older people (58+) and their sex life till I started talking to the men. Most say their wives are no longer interested in sex and it was something that they confided in me gradually and none have asked me to meet up. Yes we say oh wouldn't it be nice if we could go see that movie together blah, blah. And yes with two I did ok have cyber sex. But at no point have we ever said lets meet. Just a lot if I was there, or if I was single. Some I lost touch with others I do not know that well.

But I think feel safe talking and flirting w/ me cause they know I am not looking for bf or a hook up and I like talking to them cause not only are they charming but unlike the single guys they are not trying to find out what state I am in or trying to convince me to meet up, how they will fly/drive to me to fly me out and etc...

I consider the few I still talk to great friends and yes back in the beginning they did say stuff like my wife has only given oral sex one, we no longer have etc. but now its more of I can't wait to surprise my wife with blah, blah or I got to set my alarm clock early to go by my wife such and such amount of fresh roses for out anniversary. I think its sweet that they can talk to me about stuff like that.

I do believe in do onto others as you will like to be done onto you and my parents did divorce cause my dad was cheating on my mom when I was very young BUT I wonder if I were to ever meet and have lunch or coffee with them if might not hug longer than I should or kiss the lips instead of the cheek.

It just at thought and like I said I know two tweeps who are happily married he has children she doesn't and they are seeing each other. And no I didn't ask them ( I am not sure she knows that I know that they are each married, he was the one that told me and if was not for him I would have thought they were both single and heavily flirting & throwing comments that made you wonder if it was more than flirting) how would they like it if their spouses were do to what they are doing or were. I think they broke up caused she moved. Again I have lost touch with some.

Oh and the Sexless marriage among older people is a common this I have come across several articles and even on SexisMag Nina Hartley talks about it link less

Fine, then I'll be the first of my gender to reply

I have never had a fling with a married woman. Honestly, I've never had a fling with anyone who has been in a relationship. It's just not my way. I'm not casting judgment on those that do, but I don't want to be the one that breaks up or otherwise harms a relationship.

To turn the question around, I sincerely hope I would never be the person with which someone has a fling. I have absolutely no intention of doing so, I can assure you that. Over the nearly 15 years of my marriage there have been a two other women to whom I've been attracted (including one now), and even been in the position a few times where I had women let me know that they wanted to go to bed with me. But the thing is, I gave my wife my word when I married her, and I don't go back on my word (which is probably why I so infrequently give my word to people). Believe me, I understand why some men stray, but I can't do that to my wife. less

I've come close enough to this situation that I'm not sure which poll option to check.

An outskirts friend-of-a-friend of mine started spending more time with us as he was separating from his wife. Over the course of a few months, we became really close- eventually acknowledging that we had feelings for one another. This caused me an awful lot of soul-searching- I didn't want to sleep with a married man, regardless of the state of separation of the marriage. But I also didn't want to break up a marriage, even in a very mild catalyst role when most of the reaction had already taken place.

I finally realized I would not be able to sleep with him while he was still married, and he took the step and got his divorce paperwork done.

This still troubles me to think about today. I know their marriage was already 'over,' for all intents and purposes, but I feel bad about having given him the nod to pound in the last nail. I would have felt better if he had had the strength to do it without my encouragement/ultimatu m.

As denouement, he and I are no longer together, but are still great friends- and I eventually met his wife, and she and I get along well too. I can at least take comfort in 'all's well that ends well.' less

I'm not condoning cheating on a spouse, not at all.

But the whole concept of "just tell her" is not going to work. Most men I know who get little or no sex DO "tell" their wives, usually in a nice way. Some of their wives think they have it made, and feel they don't "need to" have sex to keep their marriage and their lives the way they are. It's also hard to leave while kids are growing up (although, if it's not working out, I don't know if "staying together for the kids" is a great idea, although Child Psychologists say most children in non-violent situations actually do better with married parents, than with "happy" parents who are single. So, in a lot of situations it's about whose "happiness" is more important, I guess. Happy parents DO NOT always make happy kids, and unhappy parents don't always make unhappy kids. Violence aside. This is just based on research, each situation is different. There is a HUGE "your mileage may vary" thing involved here.)

I don't know what should be done with a spouse who doesn't want sex. Many women don't want sex because they are angry. Of course communication is the key, but I KNOW women my age who never have sex with their husbands, and they just think he should live with it that way. I don't understand this type of woman. I feel badly for their husbands. I also feel badly for women whose husbands don't want sex. IMO, one of the perks of marriage is having a readily available sex partner, as often as possible.

Some people say "I don't want a relationship based on sex." when in reality what they are saying is "I don't want to have sex." (At least that's my experience with people who use this phrase.)

I think a sexless marriage is a disaster, and I'm not sure what the best solution for it is. Counseling, and if that doesn't work, then separation, I imagine. less

So, out of curiosity, what constitutes the baseline of "cheating" (assuming no open or polyamorous relationship). Is it sex? Is it phone sex, sexting, or dirty talk? Is it having shared and stated romantic feelings (but nothing more) between someone in a relationship and someone outside that relationship? Is it simply becoming infatuated with someone who is not your partner? Is it having sexual or romantic thoughts about someone you is not your partner?

I realize this would differ from person to person, relationship to relationship, but I'm just trying to understand what everyone believes the minimum situation that would be "cheating". less

I have some very strong feelings on this matter. I have personally seen what cheating will do to a family. It changes lives indefinitely. I have no idea why people do it honestly. It's quite sad and disrespectful in my opinion. I figure if the person isn't happy in their relationship they should break it off and then find someone else. I have a lot of compassion for women or men who have been cheated on. I take my wedding vows seriously and meant it with all of my heart. I also respect the vows others have taken in their marriage. I treat others as I would like to be treated in all situations. less

It depends on what "that one thing" is. Does he want to beat her with a dead rat? Or have an orgy covered in peanut butter? Or does he want to actually get some head or some anal sex once in a while? My Man and I hvae been together for several decades and have always been able to work out what either of us needs and wants from our sex and our relationship.

I said people say "I don't want a sex based relationship." But, they may see some relationships with a LOT of sex as "sex based." When other people see having sex daily or nearly daily a normal thing, some others may see this type of relationship as "sex based." Face it, men and women don't always have the same interests all the time, but if you are in a hetero relationship, sex is the one thing you do have in common and will enjoy doing together. (Hell, in any relationship this is true, I know Gay and Lesbian people who don't have a lot of "similar interests" but the sex is part of the glue that holds the relationship together.) I think sex is the difference between a good friendship and a "relationship." Mileage etc. (Although, that isn't saying I've never had sex with "friends." (But, not often.) But, a serious romantic relationship, at least IMO, requires sex as part of the equation. Mileage again.

I don't understand the phrase "the wife gives it up quite frequently." My Man and I have sex, on average 6 to 10 times a week, however I NEVER see having sex as "giving it up" as I want it as much as he does. Maybe that's part of a lot of people's problems, the woman sees sex as a chore or "giving something up" that she really doesn't want to do.

My Man and I "make love" we "fuck" we "scene" we "get it on" but we never EVER expect either one of us to "give it up" (which we see as lying there waiting for it to be over) or make sex a chore. Sex is sharing and enjoying, not just doing it to get it over for the week, like so many women I know look at sex. Sad, I think, when people think that way.

When one of us wants to try something new, or different, we approach it as a new adventure and a new challenge. I don't see doing new things as "putting out" or "giving it up." It's sharing. less