Hello; sorry you're having troubles on that end, but I'm glad you're reaching out to the community for help. Maybe someone's (eventual) reply will aid you two.

So. Onto the question at hand.

You say you've been "having anal regularly 1-2 times a week", but then you also say he wants to be able to actually thrust himself into orgasm. So... does that mean that he ends up inside and just sits there, waiting for you adjust? Little-to-no movement? Because if that's the case, then I'm not sure if that's regular anal.

You didn't mention any foreplay/preparation. Have you given fingering & buttplugs a try, and if yes, have you been increasing their sizes over time? What are your stances on lubricant, what kind do you use, and do you use enough of it (you should be using more than what you would use with vaginal penetration) - the anal canal does not lubricate itself, and saliva is not a substitute for some good lube. Have you tried toys less girthy than your husband and been able to take them comfortably?

Given that you've never really enjoyed it, there's a chance that a few factors that could be coming into play.
1) you simply don't like anal. period. nothing wrong with that. some people just don't.
2) you haven't had sufficient warmup/foreplay right before you guys try -- and while you're trying to take your husband, your bum's screaming "no, wait-".
3) your husband's too big for your bum/you haven't stretched enough on a regular basis (like with wearing buttplugs throughout the entire day [including reapplying lube] several times a week)
4) stress/not comfortable with your own body/some other psychological factor less

I'd like to add to the previous comments (with which I fully agree) the following.

First of all, you shouldn't endure any discomfort and pain that you might feel during sex in any case. Stop immediately when you start to feel pain.

The probable reason for your tense is that you wanted to satisfy your husband's desire so much that kept making anal sex despite your bad feelings, and now you have a negative association with anal that prevents you from getting relaxed.

I believe that an open conversation with a partner is a key to amazing relationships. Explain to your husband that you need more time to work your way up to anal. And that he needs to be more patient -I think, the award is worth it.

I think there is nothing impossible, and there is a way for you to like and enjoy anal sex!

Proper preparation for it is highly important! Set the scene where you'll feel most relaxed, make the warming up part of your intercourse longer so that you'll manage to be fully aroused. Try to add more lubrication, to slow your tempo, try different positions - all the advice the girls mentioned can be very helpful!

Also, you may find a lot of useful info regarding how to enjoy anal in our guides: Anal Sex for Beginners and How to Prepare for Anal Sex and Make It Peachy

Hope, this will help!

Good luck! less

It seems your husband can't thrust enough, right? It hurts so much you want it out of you right away?

One possible solution: decide when you are ok with anal, say Saturday night.
Have a nice long bath, with soaking in it and reading or doing whatever you like, so when you get out, you feel a bit languid.
Then douche.
Then buttplugs or dildos.
Start small, build up to his size AND then half an inch-one inch WIDER than his cock. Slowly, with precaution.
After that you can have anal.
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If you have 1-2 orgasms with your clit while working buttplugs or dildos, you'll relax faster. And of course, your hubby should be the one working your clit.
When doing anal lie on the bed, either doggie, or missionary, but your body should be lying, no leaning on your hands/arms. If it is doggie, your knees are not bearing your weight, they are just there. That is guaranteed by furniture, or pillows or Liberator pieces.
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TLDR: relax through bath and PIV sex, while plugged from small - to hubby's girth - to half/1 inch wider than him.
Then he can thrust and you won't worry. less

I have never had anal sex. My fiancee has had a lot of anal sex. From what she's told me, you're absolutely right. Her position was crucial for her comfort.

My fiancee used to try to entice me to surrender my anal sex virginity to her. Cutting to the chase, she told me that her most comfortable position was with her ass and feet over a bed's edge, her knees about shoulder width apart, and her chest on her thighs (she demonstrated this position for me). Her sex partners would approach her from behind as though their cocks would enter her ass in the precise contour of her anal canal. Lying on her stomach was also comfortable for her but not always best for her sex partners. They seemed to prefer her ass over a bed's edge so they could thrust inside of her and enter her ass balls deep (my words, not hers).

My fiancee stressed that guys always came very quickly while having anal sex with her.

After my fiancee explained anal sex to me, I thought it was a lot of work, especially preparing her ass. It had to be sufficiently dilated to accept a cock. She said it was messy due to amount of silicon lubricant necessary to dilate her ass. They way she explained it, she could not apply enough silicon lubricant on a guy's cock. After guys came, she insisted upon immediate showers during which she'd scrub their cocks to assure any possible fecal matter was removed from their cocks and fingers. She did not trust guys to scrub their own cocks. She is not germophobic. She will not take needless risks. Only after they showered would she have vaginal sex with them. When I was in college, I could have came three times by the time it took a guy to have anal sex with her.

My fiancee assured me that if done correctly, with a lot of prep work (dilate her ass), and lots of silicon lubricant, anal sex was pleasurable for her. She has also told me she's good not having anal sex. less

The only position we've REALLY tried is with me laying on my stomach with a pillow underneath to help arch things up. I thought I'd read that that was the easiest for beginners? Do you have other suggestions? I'm nervous about doing doggy because I'm worried it'll make it even EASIER for him to thrust hard, which causes a lot of the problems... although obviously that's what he would like. less

Thanks for the long response! That visual is actually pretty helpful. I just bought some silicon lube, so I'm really hoping that maybe that's the piece that's been missing. But also, it kind of sounds like I haven't been doing enough prep to prepare my ass for it?? We've mostly been just fingering while having PIV sex, but maybe that's just really not enough?? Appreciation your explanation of what your fiancee did. less

Do you mean use multiple butt plugs one after another prior to having anal? That seems like... it would take forever? Or do you put one in and then once you've adjusted, take it out and put the next larger one in? Our schedule (young kids and an early morning job) limits how long we really have to prep and then have anal... is an hour enough time for all this prep plus the actual anal?? less

I'm not new to anal, but I've never really enjoyed it. My husband has a fetish for it and it's basically the only thing he wants. We've been having anal regularly 1-2 times a week for the past 2+ years now, but it's rarely to the level that he wants (he wants to be able to actually thrust and orgasm from anal). I usually can start off relaxed okay, but after a while, I either start to tense and it starts to hurt, or it starts to hurt and then I tense. I can't take it after that and the whole thing is over.

We've been trying to get better at anal for over two years now and my husband is getting frustrated that it's not really improving. I don't really know what to do. I just don't enjoy it and I do it for him. I WANT to do this for him, but I don't know how to stop tensing and just stay relaxed for the entire thing so he can finish. Help?? less

My suggestion is that frequent reapplication of lubrication is vital for comfortable anal sex for my wife. Lubricating the external anal entry is not sufficient. A reasonable amount of lube has to be pushed inside to facilitate the thrusting - lube shooters are the best way to accomplish this. They slip past the anal muscles without discomfort and put the lube where it counts most.

We started out using silicone lubes because we never found water-based lubes satisfactory. Eventually we got worried about the potential effects of so much silicone inside. Since I enjoy pegging - we both experienced some issues with silicone lube.

Then we discovered coconut oil - this stuff is near miraculous. Although a solid at room temperature - it liquefies at body temperature. It never dries out like water-based lubes and as a food product does not have adverse effects inside the rectum - like silicone-based lubes.

As good as coconut oil is - the anal muscles will wipe off any lube - requiring frequent reapplication.

As has been said before - if it hurts, you need to stop. Learn to ask him to reapply lube, before sensing pain.

My wife has her most intense orgasms during anal sex - in spite of that, some days anal just doesn't work. It's important to listen to your body.

Best of luck, I hope this helps. less

When I was first introduced to anal, my husband spooned me to begin. This was after we had done a little foreplay and some PIV sex too that night. The biggest part about spooning that I like is that I am lying down and comfortable with him close behind me and it makes me relax. Being relaxed is KEY. Lube is hugely important also but if you are not relaxed, it IS going to hurt, and when it hurts--you are going to tense up even more. He started very, very slow and it took a very long time because he didn't want to hurt me. It takes a lot of patience and self control. With me, being on my side like that, I can use my hand or a vibrator to stimulate myself at the same time. This helps a lot because then I'm not 100% focused on the sensation of what he's doing. Instead it's a mixture of clitoral stimulation and anal stimulation, and it actually feels really good. Another technique that helped-- I started to back up to him when I was ready to make progress. This way, I was in control of how fast penetration was and I could stop when it became too much and continue when I was ready to.

So, my favorite position for anal is spooning. But I'm sure that is not the favorite for men. It's probably difficult for thrusting like that but my husband was ok with it because I was willing to try something new. I also now like standing but with me bent over the bed but I wouldn't suggest that for beginners.

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You're welcome.

My fiancee stressed anal prep and lots of silicon lubricant. Her first experience was with Vaseline. She was 19. Neither her then boyfriend nor she knew what they were doing.

My fiancee loves her ass massaged. I massage her ass all the time. She told me anal sex begins with massaging her ass to loosen her sphincter muscles. Back up a few steps: she said she had to be in an anal sex mood and that alcohol helped. A guy would insert one well lubricated finger into her ass. After he was able to insert a second well lubricated finger into her ass, she would allow him to attempt penetration and she applied silicon lubricant to his dick. From what my fiancee has told me, she wanted to assure a guy's dick was sufficiently lubricated. If penetration was successful, he'd eventually be able to thrust inside of her ass like he would her pussy. She said anal sex was over very quickly because guys came very quickly.

When I was dating my fiancee and she offered anal sex to me, she was incredulous that I had never had anal sex. According to her, her sorority sisters were doing anal sex. Most of her adult girlfriends do anal sex. I'm sure it was all true. However, I know she was trying to entice me in to surrendering my anal sex virginity to her. I can vividly remember laying in bed naked with her, her adorable eyes looking into mine and asking me if I was sure I didn't want to try anal sex. She was more than half-looped. She adorably assured me that all of the guys she's had anal sex with loved having anal sex with her. Her coy scheme didn't work. I'm sure that the guys with whom she's had anal sex with loved it. College guys love any sex. But I was more than good with her mouth and especially her beautiful, tight pussy. less

We did it this way: my GF soakss in bathroom maybe half an hour, maybe one hour, she takes books to read there)
Then she douches, then she gets out and she inserts a butt plug that's about , we have sex, then takes the plug out.
It's already my cock size, so I don't use fingers on her rump, I use a dildo, while eating her out.
It's 1.7" in the head and 2" in the base. She cums or almost gets there with her pussy, but it takes time till I'm tired of sucking and licking. By then I slowly work the dildo inside her. There's usually an inch to the balls, we don't get all the way in.
Then she lies face down on the bed, several pillows under her and I take her doggie.

So I can't say it takes long. When we started having anal, it took a lot of time. I would use fingers and small dildos.
Now it's like 1 buttplug my size, then a wider 'dong', then me.
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In total, say 30 min for hot bath without reading, 5-7 min douching. Maybe 20 minutes for the rest = 1 hour.
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She ususally wants some more regular sex, so we keep going, but you may stop there.
Ususally we use Saturdays when she feels like, but I can't say it happens often, she prefers regular sex less

My reply probably is not what you want to hear nor be popular. It's natural and admirable for you to want to please him. However this is a new Era . He should respect and accept you're not up for it. Relationships should be two way street. You have tried for two years? And still don't like it?

So accept it's not your cup of tea. And he should too. I used to do it with my husband, didn't mind but preferred piv sex. Now I don't enjoy it and told him. He didn't cry or try to make me feel guilty.

As a matter of fact we do have lots of anal now, but it's not me that's bending over.
Maybe switch places and see how he likes it. Never know, he might love some sensual loving pegging less

I've actually had multiple friends tell me this too. I sometimes feel very conflicted about how I feel about it. I love our life together and besides the anal, everything about our relationship is awesome. But anal is the one thing he REALLY wants. Like deal breaker wants. It's his fetish to a point of obsession. We went years without having anal or having it only once a month at most and apparently he just got more and more depressed with his life. To the point we almost got a divorce. A couple years of marriage counseling finally got him to communicate effectively that anal was the most important thing to him and what he needed to be happy. Honestly, I think he might need some MORE therapy to figure out WHY he feels that way, but he's resistant. And if I can figure out a way to actually DO this, then I want to! I want him to be happy because in every other aspect of our lives, he makes ME happy. I just wish he wanted something a little easier for me to give!!!

So yeah, that's the situation. My husband tried to accept that I didn't like anal and tried to get over it and realized after many years, that he really couldn't and he needs this to be happy. So for the past two years, we've been trying. I would definitely say things have improved a LOT in the past 2 years, but we've sort of his a plateau, where it'll be good, he'll get close, but then I'll tense up or something and it's all over.

We just got some silicone lube though, and that seems to have helped (at least the one time we tried it) and I ordered one of those butt plug trainer kits that have multiple sizes, so hopefully that also helps. When we talked yesterday, I think he realized that I needed way more foreplay to prep my butt for anal and that HE needs way less, because when he has too much foreplay, it makes it hard for him to finish. So we're going to try next time focusing on me way more and then once I'm already ready to start anal, then we'll have PIV to get him worked up and then switch to anal, and then... fingers crossed! less

It definitely sounds like you want to make this work. And he's fixated on it to no end. I applaud you on being open and wanting to make your marriage successful. So here's my two bits of advice. And keep in mind I'm not a professional nor expert.
1. Don't use silicone lube if anal plugs are made of silicone. The plug will deteriorate.
And silicone and coconut oils a little harder to clean out of your rectum.
2. Jelly plugs are pliable and will go in easier than his cock. And he would likely have to enter you soon as being plugged. Your butt muscles will start closing soon as removing them. And his dick is probably longer than the plugs. Not sure how much they would help except getting used to having something in your rectum.
3. Clean out with water before any anal play.
4. Coat his cock with thick lubricant like Slippery Stuff and put a small glob inside you.
5. Relax when he's entering and " push out " with your sphincter muscles.
Breathe deeply as he's pumping ( hopefully slow and 1/4" at a time)
6. Have him think/ fantasize about something to make him cum. Something that will make him blow his wad. ( my husbands suggestion as I've consulted a males pov on your issue)
7. Make some sounds, moans , dirty talk to make him come.
8. Switching is fine as long as piv first but Not Vice Versa!
9 . Don't use a condom. It's neater but he'll have less feeling.
10. If you are good at oral, get him close to coming then have him enter you well lubricated

He's the one that needs to come fast so don't think or blame yourself please.
Don't allow him to watch porn with anal
Again perhaps both of you research pegging. My husband still asks me for anal every once in a while. However since we started pegging, but not a peep when I say NO !
And we get along fine and closer than ever less

My husband has a suggestion. If you're willing to spend money on this issue get the Ika or Tako from Bad Dragon and practice with it. It will go in very easy and you can only take the same length as your husband s. It widens so will " open " you better than any plugs.
And right before doing it with hubs use it. Not only will you be open and well lubricated, he'll be excited and come quickly. Let him watch you take the Tenacle dildo beforehand vaginally then annally. It should be easier than his cock.

I just hope you don't get over exuberant with anal. less

Thanks for the all the advice!! Curious though about why I shouldn't let him watch anal porn? That's pretty much the only porn he does watch (probably part of his fixation on it).

Also, we do pegging too. That's probably his second favorite thing after anal. less

It definitely sounds like you want to make this work. And he's fixated on it to no end. I applaud you on being open and wanting to make your marriage successful. So here's my two bits of advice. And keep in mind I'm not a professional nor expert.
1. Don't use silicone lube if anal plugs are made of silicone. The plug will deteriorate.
And silicone and coconut oils a little harder to clean out of your rectum.
2. Jelly plugs are pliable and will go in easier than his cock. And he would likely have to enter you soon as being plugged. Your butt muscles will start closing soon as removing them. And his dick is probably longer than the plugs. Not sure how much they would help except getting used to having something in your rectum.
3. Clean out with water before any anal play.
4. Coat his cock with thick lubricant like Slippery Stuff and put a small glob inside you.
5. Relax when he's entering and " push out " with your sphincter muscles.
Breathe deeply as he's pumping ( hopefully slow and 1/4" at a time)
6. Have him think/ fantasize about something to make him cum. Something that will make him blow his wad. ( my husbands suggestion as I've consulted a males pov on your issue)
7. Make some sounds, moans , dirty talk to make him come.
8. Switching is fine as long as piv first but Not Vice Versa!
9 . Don't use a condom. It's neater but he'll have less feeling.
10. If you are good at oral, get him close to coming then have him enter you well lubricated

He's the one that needs to come fast so don't think or blame yourself please.
Don't allow him to watch porn with anal
Again perhaps both of you research pegging. My husband still asks me for anal every once in a while. However since we started pegging, but not a peep when I say NO !
And we get along fine and closer than ever less