#BillofRights - 1st Amendment - You Have the Right to Renegotiate

Contributor: geliebt geliebt
My relationships are always open and honest, 100% of the time. At least, I'M always open and honest! My current partner is also entirely honest. If there's a problem, a change of plans, or some new desire, then we just say so It's quite simple and beautiful!
11/06/2012
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
The Presidential Election for the United States is literally tomorrow. Experts are hedging bets that Obama will win and that we won't know who took the win before we head off to bed tomorrow evening. In honor of this glorious (if not so ... more
It is a very good idea to treat your relationship as a partnership with open negotiations and reworking of your personal mission statement regularly. Change is inevitable and to remain vital you must accept that change and continue to grow as a unit no matter how many pieces/parts make up that unit. Sticking with outmoded and non-relevant ideas and power exchanges is how you lose touch with your partner(s) and even with yourself.
Just as the caterpillar must renegotiate it's new wings when it becomes a butterfly so should each member of your household redesign themselves and their relationships as they change and grow.
There is the possibility that you might find that you have changed to a point that you cannot remain in the relationship or that your partner(s) cannot accept the "new you" but there is an equal possibility that you will be loved, cherished and celebrated. You have to be willing to risk this if you want to truly live.
11/06/2012
Contributor: SheRa! SheRa!
We don't have a formal contract, however, it sounds like it could be a good idea. We tend to communicate potential "amendments" to our unwritten contract.
11/06/2012
Contributor: Sbmsvschoolgirl Sbmsvschoolgirl
I think there needs to be open and honest communication to make a relationship work. We've had a little bit of trouble with that in the past and it's causing problems now. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be open and honest with your partner, secrets and lies will only hurt your relationship and cause problems down the road. For us it's caused some trust issues and now we're working to rebuild and it's been really hard on us. This is a really rough patch and I'm actually a little worried about where things are headed. I wonder if maybe we need to look into renegotiating things...
11/06/2012
Contributor: Lildrummrgurl7 Lildrummrgurl7
We don't have a contract but we definitely keep communication open and we do communicate well. If there's something bothering either of us, we discuss it and fix it as we see fit.
11/06/2012
Contributor: DomonCoshu DomonCoshu
Seems very neat to have a contract. I think it would give a line to follow and maybe even help you talk about things. I think it would also help you set boundaries and let each other know what you expect from your significant other. I would like to learn how you can setup something like this in a good way to benefit both people.
11/06/2012
Contributor: Lily MisterMaster Lily MisterMaster
In my relationships, I try to organize my personal behavior around two separate categories: What I feel I can compromise on and what I cannot compromise on. With these already decided, I try to meet any strife in a mental state where I don't add to my list of uncompromiseables in the "heat of battle", so that I can remember to be flexible with the issue at hand.
Another strategy I try to adopt is remembering that feelings, no matter what their genesis, exist, and no one should be shamed in a relationship for their feelings. Actions, however, can be morally judged.
Thus far, I've never been in a position of having a contract, simply because I usually have no idea of what my person and I would include in it.
11/06/2012
Contributor: shhhh shhhh
No way. If your relationship is a contract then it's business, but it should be so much more than that. Contracts do not make accommodations for being sweet or hurting feelings. Contracts are written to ensure fairness and respect. That should be part of a personal relationship without question. If you have to contract it, then something crucial is missing.
11/06/2012
Contributor: Cinnyree Cinnyree
i was just thinking the other day that a contract would help my relationship. We find communication very difficult sometimes for sake of hurting each others feelings. We spent, probably, the first 3 years of our relationship never fighting because we just gave in to whatever the other one wanted. Now at our 7th year we are a bit lost
11/06/2012
Contributor: - Kira - - Kira -
Quote:
Originally posted by shhhh
No way. If your relationship is a contract then it's business, but it should be so much more than that. Contracts do not make accommodations for being sweet or hurting feelings. Contracts are written to ensure fairness and respect. That ... more
Err...contracts can include anything you want, including how to handle hurt feelings, etc.
11/06/2012
Contributor: AliMc AliMc
Quote:
Originally posted by unfulfilled
We don't have a contract, but we have open communication and compromise!
Same here. We try to discuss everything and just be open with each other.
11/06/2012
Contributor: kurara kurara
Negotiation is the hardest part of my current relationship. It's very difficult to maintain enough openness and intimacy long-distance
11/06/2012
Contributor: secdoover secdoover
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
The Presidential Election for the United States is literally tomorrow. Experts are hedging bets that Obama will win and that we won't know who took the win before we head off to bed tomorrow evening. In honor of this glorious (if not so ... more
We don't even really think about it. It's just a natural process between my SOs & myself.

I see no problem with someone ending a relationship at any time, but changing terms is something we aren't too excited about. The rules/terms were defined to begin with. Changing them just seems to cause unnecessary issues. However, I see no problem discussing changes. If it's something one person wants and another/others do not, the entire thing would need to be reevaluated.

We just go with open communication. It's so extremely important. If we have something on our minds, we share it. It saves on frustration later.
11/07/2012
Contributor: neonnoir neonnoir
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
The Presidential Election for the United States is literally tomorrow. Experts are hedging bets that Obama will win and that we won't know who took the win before we head off to bed tomorrow evening. In honor of this glorious (if not so ... more
It's all about communication and how each person feels. My way would be to be open about all of my feelings and ideas, encourage them to be as well and talk about it.
11/07/2012
Contributor: TakeHimAway TakeHimAway
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
The Presidential Election for the United States is literally tomorrow. Experts are hedging bets that Obama will win and that we won't know who took the win before we head off to bed tomorrow evening. In honor of this glorious (if not so ... more
God, I really needed to read this right this very second; it's something I need to do right now.
11/07/2012
Contributor: BryanX9X BryanX9X
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
The Presidential Election for the United States is literally tomorrow. Experts are hedging bets that Obama will win and that we won't know who took the win before we head off to bed tomorrow evening. In honor of this glorious (if not so ... more
well we don't have a contract per se, but we have open communication & we discuss the things that we don't like. sometimes it is not a "nice" discussion, but most of the time it is very amiable. communication is the key. if you do not speak up & say that you do not like something, then there is no way for it to ever get better. then you only have yourself to blame for the situation that you are in. talk it out.
11/07/2012
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by TakeHimAway
God, I really needed to read this right this very second; it's something I need to do right now.
I wasn't expecting a response like this, and have to admit it's a rather lovely surprise. I'm glad you found this at the moment you needed it. I hope everything goes well and works out for you!
11/07/2012
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by shhhh
No way. If your relationship is a contract then it's business, but it should be so much more than that. Contracts do not make accommodations for being sweet or hurting feelings. Contracts are written to ensure fairness and respect. That ... more
I suppose that's one way to look at it, though I personally don't believe that your statement is accurate.

My husband and I have a contract, if either of us does something behind the other's back that is not positive for our relationship then it's over. No questions, no begging, no pleading - just over. Going outside of our relationship would signify that it was already over anyway, the act was just the final nail in the coffin.

Our relationship is healthy, we both know where we stand on all of the important matters and that's that.
11/07/2012
Contributor: Phantom2291 Phantom2291
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
The Presidential Election for the United States is literally tomorrow. Experts are hedging bets that Obama will win and that we won't know who took the win before we head off to bed tomorrow evening. In honor of this glorious (if not so ... more
There have been many trials that make both of us question if we wanted to stay in the relationship, but we always discuss how we're feeling, so it's sort of an ongoing verbal contract.
11/07/2012
Contributor: deb2483 deb2483
I'm recently divorced (last year) and think it would have been a great idea to actually sit down together and negotiate the terms of our relationship and put it in writing. I think that doing something like that would open up lines of communication and get issues out in the open with less resentment. Great idea!
11/07/2012
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by shhhh
No way. If your relationship is a contract then it's business, but it should be so much more than that. Contracts do not make accommodations for being sweet or hurting feelings. Contracts are written to ensure fairness and respect. That ... more
There is nothing inherently unromantic or unloving about spelling out with a romantic partner what is, and is not, acceptable behavior. Just expecting someone to mystically know what will hurt your feelings or really hurt you personally is a losing proposition. A sense of fairness and respect should be the very bedrock of any loving relationship. it is truly loving to be willing and able to let your partner know what you expect and what you are willing to give...and to fairly listen to and respect their wishes.
The problem with your theory is that you seem to assume that just because you love someone you will never hurt them unintentionally...but if you don't know where their boundaries are you will most certainly do just that.

A written contract is rarely needed but is never a bad idea, or an indication that you don't love the person you are contracting. It can be a DEEPLY loving exercise and a demanding one as well.
11/08/2012
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Cinnyree
i was just thinking the other day that a contract would help my relationship. We find communication very difficult sometimes for sake of hurting each others feelings. We spent, probably, the first 3 years of our relationship never fighting because we ... more
We are in our 22nd year and we had the same problems for far longer than you guys...we gave in and fought passive-aggressive battles that nearly tore us apart as people never mind the damage it did to our relationship. Our life partner demanded a verbal contract and forced us to toe the line when dealing with each other....and him. A good verbal up to a written contract can really help to refocus and actually hear what your partner(s) is/are saying.
11/08/2012
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
I wasn't expecting a response like this, and have to admit it's a rather lovely surprise. I'm glad you found this at the moment you needed it. I hope everything goes well and works out for you!
Strange how the universe puts just what you need in front of you just when you need it, eh?
11/08/2012
Contributor: apryls apryls
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
The Presidential Election for the United States is literally tomorrow. Experts are hedging bets that Obama will win and that we won't know who took the win before we head off to bed tomorrow evening. In honor of this glorious (if not so ... more
No contract here, our relationship is built on trust, being open and honest with eachother and everything is 50/50. My husband and I have been together for 21 yrs and married for 12 yrs and still have a great sex life as well as are still maddly in love with eachother. We must be doing something right.
11/08/2012
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Strange how the universe puts just what you need in front of you just when you need it, eh?
And they say the universe isn't watching out for us.
11/08/2012
Contributor: AHubbyof2SexualMinds AHubbyof2SexualMinds
About every couple of months or so my wife and I have a talk about our relationship, and especially things regarding our sex life. It's not something we plan on, but it happens organically. And it's nice because we look at what we're enjoying and what we're now wanting to try. During these talks my wife and I have really opened things up because of the comfort level.
11/08/2012
Contributor: Maxadventure Maxadventure
not enough open communication yet, but we're getting there. We certainly both enjoy Eden toys!
11/09/2012
Contributor: KrissyNovacaine KrissyNovacaine
We check in as a group (we are poly) and discuss terms regularly.
11/10/2012
Contributor: Korbl Kein Barmherzig Korbl Kein Barmherzig
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
The Presidential Election for the United States is literally tomorrow. Experts are hedging bets that Obama will win and that we won't know who took the win before we head off to bed tomorrow evening. In honor of this glorious (if not so ... more
I've had a relationship end due to an inability of my partner to communicate before, so I think in some ways, treating a relationship as a deal is a smart thing. If I'd shown I was willing (and able) to leave, it may have provoked her into communicating, and possibly changed the relationship for the better. I doubt it would have, but it's possible.
11/13/2012
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Korbl Kein Barmherzig
I've had a relationship end due to an inability of my partner to communicate before, so I think in some ways, treating a relationship as a deal is a smart thing. If I'd shown I was willing (and able) to leave, it may have provoked her into ... more
It may have. I hope someone else is able to teach her that and wish you both all the happiness in the world! I think with everyone, it's about communication styles and sometimes things just don't work out. If you learned something, it was still worth it. You know?
11/14/2012