Quote:
Originally posted by
biancajames
Would you play with someone you just met for the first time at a public play party or dungeon?
I hope everyone that posted will come back and look at this post I am about to make.
A large problem with BDSM play is that people don't know how to properly negotiate a scene with someone who isn't their primary partner. I know there are check lists people can make of kinks they like, kinks they want to try, not try, etc. The thing is though unless you take copies of the check list to every party you go (which i suppose you could) you are going to have to talk to someone and verbalize your check list.
Here are some things that you should always include in a pre-play negotiation conversation:
- what are you looking to get out of this.
Both the top and the bottom should ask this question. What is in it for you. Is the top a sadist? Is the bottom really into to role play? Talking about these things can put you and your potential play partner on the same page and make for a much better interaction during play.
-what dynamic (if any) do you want?
Do you want to be a dirty submissive that is going to be punished? Do you just want a good old fashioned spanking because you like spanking and don't want any dynamic? This needs to be made known. Both the top and bottom need to discuss what sort of dynamic of lack there off they are interested.
-What are your hard limits?
This is a big one! Hard limits are a big thing and should ALWAYS be part of the negotiation process. Not voicing a hard limit can result in a very negative experience both top and bottom. This isn't just a bottom's concern. Tops may have certain hard limits as well. Example: if a bottom wants to be caned until they bleed and the top does not like blood play. Even though the bottom likes it is still a hard limit for the top.
-Land mines
Definition first. Land mine (noun) something that if triggered can send a bottom into an emotional tail spin. These land mines can be triggered by words, a particular toy, being restrained etc.
Tops, ask the bottom. You don't need to pull a Dr. Phil and ask them to go into great detail as to why something is a trigger. Simply getting them to tell you what their trigger is is sufficient. You don't need to know why it's a trigger. You just need to know that it IS. Bottoms, don't be afraid to tell the top even if they don't ask. Like I said, great detail isn't required just let them know what your triggers are. Example: a good friend that I play with regularly has a trigger for the word 'bitch.' Thus if I call her names, I don't use 'bitch'.
-Are there any medical issues that might be an issue?
Are there any medicines that might effect the over all play. Are you taking any anti-depressants, anti-coagulants, pain medication.
Weak or trick joints are something else to consider. Can you not say in one position for too long? Do you have weak ankles or knees? Do you have muscle or joint injuries?
Pick up play is not a dark and scary thing. Most if not all public parties have DMs that help to supervise and keep tabs on what is going on at the party. There is nothing wrong with it can result in some amazingly fun scenes. If you have a personal preference to not engage in pick up play that is your prerogative but there is nothing to be afraid of as long as you can properly negotiate a scene. I hope my words serve as a stepping stone for all of you to seek out more knowledge on negotiation skills and over all BDSM play.
