Has it Really Been THAT Long?
Here’s the scene: You and your hubby/partner are experiencing what we in the marriage racket call a Dry Spell—i.e., there has been no coitus, fellatio, cunnilingus, analingus, or Charlie Mingus in some time.
You know the drill: The kids all came down with the Explosive Asian Stomach flu and the two of you spend two weeks cleaning up stinky projectiles from above and below—then take turns praying to the porcelain God when you finally catch it yourselves. Needless to say, there isn’t much time or motivation to get down and dirty with a mop in your hand and hubby’s head in the toilet. Then, because Mother Nature has such a profound sense of humor, Aunt Flow comes to visit, which puts you off your game for another five to seven days. To top it all off, your husband starts working late to make up for taking all that time off when everyone was up-chuck-pooing, so the only time you actually see him is through half-lidded eyes when he crawls into bed late at night, dead tired, and crawls back out the next morning for a repeat performance. Before you know it, a month (or more) has passed since you’ve seen each other naked. WTF? And wherefore art thou, F?
You, the good woman/wife/mom/world-class-MILF, are understandably and demonstrably frustrated, horny, and ready to get your fuck on. It is late at night; hubby/partner/man-creature has just walked in the door after pulling a double-shift. What do you do?
a. Start crying because you’re sure the reason you haven’t had sex lately is that he isn’t attracted to you anymore.
b. Start crying because you’re sure the reason you haven’t had sex lately is that he is having an affair.
c. Grab him by that fugly tie (the one covered with Barneys that the kids gave him for Father’s Day), throw his ass down on the bed, and, slipping into your best Queen Latifah voice, serenade him with “When You’re Good to Mama”.
If you guessed either a. or b., I heartily suggest you procure two items posthaste:
• a reliable vibrator
• a reliable divorce attorney
because that’s about all the action you’re gonna be getting. Making him feel inadequate/bad/guilty is generally not the best way to get some—unless you subscribe to the old French movie technique of belittling one’s partner until they start tearing their clothes off…But that’s probably just a French thing.
Granted, option c. isn’t always the best choice, either—after all, if you accidentally asphyxiate your partner, there will be no sexay-time. Unless you’re a zombie and are waiting to eat his brains, of course.
After all, life tends to be pretty busy—as a result, it’s easy to fall into the habit of putting sex last on the to-do list. And after umpteen days of no sex, neither of you has the energy or magical potion to jump-start things (and mimosas do not count). Umpteen days later, the pink elephant of Not Having Sex enters the home and takes up semi-permanent residence. And as commonly occurs with the presence of pink elephants, nobody wants to talk about it, out of guilt, shame, or whatever HGTV’s got on tonight. And that’s assuming it doesn’t turn into all-out passive-aggressive warfare. Which it probably will—and that’s just peanuts to the elephant.
So what DO you do when you find yourselves in a sexual Sahara?; fill out the questions, and your responses might be featured in an upcoming column! (All responses are completely confidential.) ]
Return to Sated Place
Ricki, a 38-year-old married mother of four told me “The kind of sex we have after we haven’t done it for a while is the best. It’s passionate, it’s desperate and we realize how much we have missed being intimate. It makes the sex awesome, and then we can’t wait to do it again.”
But what happens if you just can’t seem to get your libido to cooperate? A lot of moms (and, truth be told, dads) will at times see sex as just another chore on the unending list of stuff to do.
Patti said it was as if her body had stopped “needing sex” after her baby was born. She went into full-time mommy mode, complete with a lack of desire for anything sex-related. Many women go through this, during pregnancy and after; but for some, it continues on well until the children are out of diapers.
This is usually when you’ll find Dad sneaking off to the bedroom/bathroom/basement with the laptop tucked conveniently under his arm. This is also the time to TALK ABOUT IT. Because not having sex is just going to make him think that you might not be attracted to him anymore. Or, to paraphrase Yoda, “Resentment leads to anger; anger leads to big pink elephants; and big pink elephants lead to separate bedrooms and divorce attorneys.”
Pink elephants also leave a lot of shit to clean up. Which is why you need to let him know what you’re going through—make an effort to explain to him that you’re in a sex-slump (seven out of 10 moms will tell you that putting it to him in sports terminology will greatly speed up the comprehension process). Once he knows that it’s not about him, then you can put your minds together to resolve it. Or ask Dr. Dick (link). (Also, this is probably not the best time to broach the subject of polyamory.)
Maybe it’s just as easy as putting aside some extra time. You know, like shipping the kids off to Grandma’s. Or summer camp. Or military school. (Note: Please do not put your children up for sale on Craigslist. I know that it is important to make time for the sexay-time, but seriously—not cool. Besides—they’re not worth nearly as much as you think.)
Alternately, it might be a matter of foreplay. Maybe Mommy, in order to get herself re-ticking, needs a little extra attention. Breaking a no-sex streak doesn’t have to be just about getting back into the swing of things, it can be a great opportunity to rediscover the simple acts of seduction, and because of the build-up of sexual tension and anticipation, what might result is something fairly mind blowing that could remind you of the old days when sex came early and often—you know, before those pesky kids got in the way.
Or maybe you just need to spend a little time alone with yourself…if you know what I mean. You know better than anyone what turns you on—sometimes it’s just a matter of having a really great orgasm to remind you that you do, indeed, like sex—and need it. And masturbation could be the key to getting you back on the horse. Or even on Hubby.
Whatever brought the dry spell on; remember that it happens to everyone. Life is by definition complicated, busy, stressful, and even un-sexy. Most couples with children, jobs, bills, and not enough hours in the day, find that sex doesn’t always just “happen.” Occasionally sex gets lost in the shuffle and sometimes it takes a little work, a little understanding and a lot of communication to find it. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with the relationship—or with you. Sex is like ice cream. If you buy a carton and leave it languishing in back of the freezer too long, it becomes an inedible chunk of nasty. On the other hand, ice cream comes in thousands of flavors—it’s up to you to discover the new ones, rediscover the old ones, and make time to enjoy them all.
Just don’t crash the car en route to your own private Dairy Queen.