“The best part of sex is cuddling.” That’s something a male lover once told me and I’ve always remembered it. I was surprised to hear it from him because he was very into the sex were were having, and is someone I’d consider a very sexual person, though also a very sensitive person. I don’t know why, I just didn’t expect him to say that, but I was glad he did. It was a bit of a revelation for me—men like cuddling too! Sometimes I agree, and sometimes I think I’ll take a hot, fast fuck over cuddling. But lots of people don’t want to choose between them.
When I opened up the package that arrived recently at my post office box and saw a stuffed doll, I at first thought it was something I could give to one of my friends’ kids. Then I took a closer look and discovered that this unexpected gift was actually a fair trade sex product, marketed as “My After Sex Buddy,” made by a collective of single mothers in Columbia (really!). I put him and the marketing materials away in my bag, and he’s lived on my couch ever since. Mind you, I’m someone who sleeps with a giant Hello Kitty doll atop my other pillows. I wouldn’t say I cuddle with her, but I do sometimes nuzzle my face into her softness and talk to her, not in the way I would a lover, more as a way to say things I don’t think I have anyone human to say them to.
With the toy staring back at me whenever I passed by the couch, though, I started to think more about the idea that women would need or want an inanimate, non-speaking “buddy” for cuddling after sex with men (the toy is very clearly being marketed toward women who sleep with men). On the website of My After Sex Buddy, it states, “Never again does a woman need to feel abandoned after sex! My After Sex Buddy, the world’s first after sex doll, does what many men fail to do: be attentive, snuggly and nurturing even after climax. My After Sex Buddy is cute, cuddly and heatable, and most importantly, immobile!”
I asked Paul Shore, the mastermind behind My After Sex Buddy and Executive Producer and Senior Strategist for Mojumbo Media Group, about its origins. It’s a novelty gift designed to get people talking. “It's a cute reminder to men that most women expect a level of intimacy after sex,” explains Shore. “The doll can act as a catalyst to get women and men talking about after sex. A lot of men take it for granted that as their penis takes a nap so can they or, worse, they just get up and leave the bed. We hope that My After Sex Buddy gives men a moment of pause to think about how their attitudes and behaviors after sex affect their female partners, their relationship and the quality of future sexual encounters.”
When I suggest that the doll might only enforce the idea that men want sex and women want cuddling, Shore disagrees. “We're hoping that the doll appeals to the higher parts of the human male cortex that transcends primal urges and gets them thinking with their big brain rather than with their small one. Sometimes you have to take a stereotyped behaviour to its extreme to make someone think about certain behaviours they take for granted. The doll was actually designed to break through the after sex conventions that accept that men will shut off, while their female partner lies in wait.”
Cuddling isn’t just a trifling issue; it’s very real for many people, and having some turn down cuddling can feel like a huge rejection, whether it’s meant that way or not. Refusing to cuddle is one of the accusations The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Camille Grammer lobbed at her ex-husband, actor Kelsey Grammer. On The Joy Behar Show, she confessed, “I love cuddling, (but) we didn't even do that. He was too busy watching 'Fox News.' He didn't even want to cuddle.” Maybe Shore should send a doll to Camille?
But not all men dislike cuddling. Marie Claire blogger Rich Santos, in considering the pros and cons of kissing, cuddling and sex, wrote of cuddling, “It's nice to hear nothing but your lover's breath against the backdrop of the evening or early morning. Holding someone close in bed also makes you feel very secure with one another and the relationship.” Even Datingish blogger jackieboy, who is emphatic that right after sex, he is not up for cuddling, is a fan of the act in general. “If pressing myself against the warm body of a beautiful woman makes me less of a man, then we need to amend the rules.” Amen to that!
Right now, six weeks in to my sex hiatus, I’m not sure if cuddling would make me miss the intimacy of a relationship more or would be welcome. I know when I get a massage, it reminds me how little skin-on-skin contact I have these days, and how powerful it can be, even in a non-personal, consumer transaction. I’d love a good cuddle, but there’s no one I’d want to risk leading on with the promise of more, plus, for me sex and cuddling are so intimately linked.
I’m used to cuddling being part of a sexual relationship, not separate from one, so I don’t know that I’d want one without the other. Bottom line, though: cuddling is a human issue. It’s not so easily gendered. What My After Sex Buddy is mainly highlighting is the disparity in cuddle timing. Yes, some men want to go right to sleep after fucking, or simply shut off their brain, while some women want to talk and further the intimacy. If you’re a couple with mismatched cuddling desires, you’ll have to either alternate or figure out a solution that works for both of you, with the key being to reassure the person that if you don’t want to cuddle, it’s not personal (unless it is, which is a whole other topic). Post-sex can be a challenging time; some of the emotions that may have been pushed aside in the heat of the moment can rise up full force, and they may or may not have to do with the person you just boinked.
Like it or not, cuddling, as well as kissing and general affection, is a part of what many people consider the whole sexual package. That doesn’t mean it falls perfectly along gendered lines (what about sexuality does?) nor that sex should always be preceded or followed by cuddling. Some people want more cuddling, some want less, but being with someone who’s not on the same page, and especially feeling rejected because that person is up for fucking but not the tender moments can lead to discord. Figuring out how much cuddling you need and asking for it, as well as what your partner needs, is vital. Because no matter how cute or warm My After Sex Buddy is, he can’t replicate human contact.