My takeaway is that even for someone who's a control freak with a submissive streak, I have to surrender, to wait and see, because all attempts to micromanage my sex life simply lead to disaster.

That doesn't mean that I can't have a say, or think hard about what my dream situation would be, or learn from my mistakes. All of those things are on my 2012 agenda. It's more that I know that if I were to declare I'm not dating for all of 2012, I'd immediately find myself caught in a dilemma that I don't want to deal with. Last February, I was sure that taking the bulk of the year off from sex and dating were a way out, an escape route from all the drama that had led up to that point, and maybe they would've been, but then I wouldn't have had the pleasure of experiencing a wonderful, if brief, relationship.

I was on to something then, something I knew deep down: I was too overscheduled, too busy, too overwhelmed. The past few months, as I’ve slowed my life way down, focused on work , planning events and travel and learned about things like monitoring blog traffic statistics, I’ve found that I have a new calmness and awareness. I don’t feel that frantic needy edge I’ve experienced as synonymous with “dating.”

It’s possible I might have zero lovers or twenty in 2012; I have no way of knowing. Part of me wishes it could be zero, not because I don’t experience times when I’m horny or that I don’t ultimately want to be in a relationship, but I’m pretty gun shy. I find that it’s hard enough to juggle daily life and work and all my responsibilities and when I do start dating someone, or even just crushing out on someone, I can easily fixate on them rather than whatever I’m supposed to be doing. I’ve rarely learned how to balance anything, let alone that aspect of my life, and I literally can’t afford to not be working as hard as possible right now. It makes it hard to contemplate making plans if I fear being stressed out and distracted on a date.

It’s more than that, though; in two weeks, I’m taking a solo vacation to Hawaii, and I am thrilled at the prospect of having whole days of sunshine and freedom. The idea of having someone by my side sounds less like a vacation and more like a burden. I don’t think it will always be that way, but I’m starting to realize that I enjoy spending time alone. Not all the time, but I’m giving myself 2012 off from worrying about relationships and kids and tackling the things I’ve ignored for so long, like debt and novels and housecleaning. I know that with those burdens literally dragging me down, I would be a horrible partner, and I wouldn’t want to inflict that on anyone.

I'm reminded of a conversation I had with a friend after we saw the documentary about New York Times photographer Bill Cunningham and it was revealed that he'd never been in a romantic relationship. My friend said he found that sad, but I didn't, because Cunningham was so utterly himself and happy as he whizzed all over New York City and took photos. He seemed totally at one with himself and his job, with every day an adventure. That is the kind of creative life I strive for, and I'm pretty sure that if I could make peace with all the dangling loose ends in my life, I would be opening a door to a potential relationship, but would also find myself so fulfilled that I wouldn't really care one way or the other.

There are people I miss, and sometimes, the physical abandon of sex, the escapism of it, but I've indulged in more than my fair share of escapism in my 36 years. I don't deserve any more, and when I start to crave it, I am trying to train myself out of it. That's not to say that I don't have weak moments or that it would be a tragedy if I had engaged in some no strings attached sex, but I am trying to be less of a live-in-the-moment type of person and more of a planner. Ultimately, I'm pretty sure the rewards, sexual and otherwise, will be far greater than any momentary selfishness on my part. Obviously, the year has just started, though, and I may write that today and wind up at an orgy tomorrow. I'm not foolish enough to try to predict what might happen, but am working on figuring out how, if and when I do wind up dipping back into the world of sex and dating, how to do so in a healthy, not harmful, way.