No Easy Answers

It’s more than a question that sends spouses, bed-buddies, lovers, friends, partners, dominants, submissives, and talk-show hosts screaming from the room: it’s a question of self-esteem. In today’s society, women feel the pressure of being ‘pretty’ every time they turn on the television, open a magazine, or even walk outside. Shopping for clothes can be downright demeaning, especially since, unlike men’s clothing, all women’s clothing lines size things differently. Men’s sizes are standard – a man may be a 30”/32”, but a woman’s size varies in each brand and style and she could be wearing sizes 4-7, depending on if what fits her is classified as “Junior Miss,” “Women’s,” “Misses,” etc.

To many women, the mirror is an arch-enemy. Are my breasts big enough? Are my lips full enough? Is my butt too small – too big?

Self-esteem is a complex issue. It’s not something you either have or don’t have, or is set in stone. A person can have high self-esteem in some facets of his or her life and low self-esteem in others.
So how does self-esteem affect our sex lives?

It’s not a simple answer, but the gist is that people with high self-esteem generally have better sex. Remember that time you found the perfect pair of jeans – the pair that accented your best… assets…and hid the parts you didn’t like? Didn’t you just feel like a minx wearing those, sexy and confident that you could get the job, win the lottery, save the princess, take over the world?
When you feel sexy, it boosts your self-esteem and confidence and vice-versa. That makes you more enthusiastic in bed. If you don’t feel good about yourself, you spend more time worrying about your performance (am I doing this right? Is he/she enjoying this? Are my thighs jiggling?), and less time enjoying yourself. Stress like this can also hamper climax, making it less intense, take longer, or not happen at all. Remember, the most powerful sex organ in your body is your brain – and if it’s worrying about that donut you had for breakfast going straight to your thighs, how’s it supposed to send the orders downstairs to start spasming?

People who have low self-esteem are also more likely to have sex before they are ready, have unsafe sex, or stay in unfulfilling relationships. If a person has low self-worth, he or she is likely to take what they can get, so to speak. People with low self-esteem often ignore or compromise their own values to win approval from their mate, and pay the price with bad or unfulfilling sexual encounters. It’s hard to please yourself when you’re too worried about your partner’s opinion.

People who have a higher self-esteem feel more secure both with themselves and with their relationships. They are more comfortable in communicating what they want and need, and are therefore better at the give and take in relationships.

Of course, this should be balanced. Compromise is an important part of all facets of relationships, including sex – it just has to be an equal compromise. If Suzy likes anal sex but her partner Billy doesn’t, she shouldn’t have to give it up – she could use dildos or butt plugs or have Billy use them on her.