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Tuesdays With Nina: Coping with Marriage After Gender Transition

by Nina Hartley Published: September 07, 2010

Imagine that the love of your life, your spouse, your husband... tells you he wants to be a woman. What does a couple do when one of them needs to transition from male to female and the other is not attracted to women?

We realize today that gender and sexual identity are far more complex than the binary system with which many of us are familiar. But how do you handle it when your husband comes to you and tells you he plans to transition to female?

A MtF transgender woman seeks guidance because her wife is struggling with being intimate with her in her new female role. Nina Hartley contemplates the complicated course a marriage takes when a wife finds her spouse is not the straight man she married, but a lesbian woman instead.

Got something you want to ask Nina? (Of course you do.) Drop her a line at tuesdayswithnina@gmail.com. Now, while can’t promise that every question received will get a personal response, however, those that do will be answered frankly, entertainingly, enlighteningly and, if we know Nina, in the spirit of happy, healthy sex and a satisfied libido.

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Nina Hartley: For me, sex has been my vocation, my meal ticket, my path to happiness and self-understanding. It’s taken me all over the world: Germany, Sweden, Spain, New Zealand, Canada and Australia. It is my meditation and communion with my husband, Ernest. My interest in sex is unabated by all that I’ve had: I’m always interested in it: watching it, doing it, helping others do it better, listening to others have it, lending a helping hand (quick, more lube!). Since it is a body-based activity, the good that comes from it lasts and lasts and affects other parts of my life. There is always something to learn about oneself through sex, even less-than-satisfying sex.

I don’t have bad sex any more, ever. By making conscious sexuality my mantra, I always get the most out of every sexual experience.

Interviews with Nina Hartley

Nina Hartley, adult film actress, adult film director, sex educator, feminist, and author, celebrates her one year anniversary as SexIs' resident sex advice expert. In an industry where few performers last more than a couple years, what's her secret for nearly 3 decades of success?

Adult Industry Icon Nina Hartley defies the critics of pornography who declare women to be exploited by it, having no choice but to be willing victims. She was well on her way to a career in nursing when she chose a different path, starring in her first adult film in 1984. Her debut performance was in the film Educating Nina, which was produced and directed by the veteran porn star Juliet Anderson (better known as "Aunt Peg"). The film turned out to be the first step in a journey to adult film superstardom. Nearly 30 years later, she has gone on to feature in over 400 first-run adult films, and has become one of the most enduring and recognizable performers in the industry. Nina has been a driving force in the adult industry for nearly three decades as an adult film actress, director, sex educator, feminist and author. She has been a tireless, outspoken advocate for sexual freedom and considers herself a sex-positive feminist who seeks to "educate others from a place of practice and not just theory." Nina has been a visible industry spokesperson who seeks to change negative perceptions of adult entertainment and sex itself. In 1993, she and ten other adult film stars were arrested in Las Vegas for "having a lesbian performance in the front of an audience." She actively supports the Woodhull Foundations whose goal is to promotes sexual freedom as a fundamental human right. She challenges the radical feminist view that the porn industry, by definition, victimizes women—instead, she points out that in her lengthy career, she's seen few examples of coercion of performers on set, and none of a physical nature. "Women have the right of refusal, always, and exercise it." How has the industry changed, since Nina has been began her career? Would she recommend her path to women today? What is the most important lesson she's learned along the way? Join us in welcoming Nina Hartley to the Community Interview in celebration of the 1 year anniversary of Tuesdays With Nina!

Read full interview