My first boyfriend thought eating pussy was about the best thing on God’s green earth and would keep at it until I shoved him away with a foot to the forehead.
Conversely, he was such a delighted recipient of my initial forays into blowjobs that I found I enjoyed sucking his cock as much as he enjoyed going down on me. I watched him and listened to his reactions, and he, in turn, let me know when I’d hit upon a move or a rhythm that particularly pleased him, which enabled me to learn to riff appropriately to maximize our enjoyment of this particular intimacy.
Imagine my surprise then, when, as an adult (well, chronologically speaking at least!), I have discovered that lots of grown-ups are not cluing their partners in on their hot-buttons! I thought perhaps it was limited to people who weren’t “sex positive” or didn’t have exposure to or training on the Fiery Frontiers of Fornication, but no. I heard from many people all over the gender and sexual orientation spectrum that they simply don’t give feedback, even if the person with their mouth on their genitals is causing discomfort or committing the sexual equivalent of playing “Yakkity Sax” on their intimate bits.
People.
OK, do I really have to explain why this is bogus and fucked for everyone involved? I do?! Dammit.
OK, listen: sex is not to be “endured.” It is to be enjoyed!
I doubt most people who consider themselves “sex positive” and progressive and open and good communicators are fully cognizant of the lameness perpetrated by not piping up when getting down, and the horizontal boogie just isn’t flowing well.
It isn’t just that you aren’t having fun. It is also that you are failing your partner. They’re probably there to get off, and to get you off. Unless you’re doing a chastity play scene, and depriving your partner of orgasmic delight and fully fulfilling sexytime, it is likely that getting off is on the agenda. How does it serve you to lay back and think of England while your bedroom buddy gnaws enthusiastically on your junk?
You do no one any favors by praying for it to be over without giving any feedback. If your partner is treating your genitals like chewing gum or a wet towel badly in need of wringing? It is your job to do what it takes to modify that approach!
Making assumptions about how your partner wants to be genitally nommed isn’t always gonna help you achieve Mythic Fuckbeast Status. Taking your time, watching for cues and clues, asking for direction: all of these things will serve you far better than assumptions when it comes to coming.
When I asked those who are Bearers of the Penis about providing feedback to partners on blowjobs, and what they might do if the service wasn’t serving them well, I was surprised by the reluctance most had to provide feedback. It seems a common conceit that “any blowjob is better than no blowjob,” and that (specifically) women who suck cock sometimes react badly if given feedback.
Interestingly, queer, bi, trans and gay identified folks reported more ease with advising their partners of their needs than the average straight person. Make of that what you will. I suspect that people who live lives that flourish outside of the rigid confines of a gender binary and heteronormative default roles grow accustomed to exploring, engaging, and explaining their desires to themselves and to partners as a matter of course, and their gender identity, sexual identity and sexuality are frontiers to be explored, not pitfalls to be avoided.
I thought most kinky people would be on top of this kind of negotiation, but alas, no. Despite the fact that we involved in BDSM, Leather, kink and AltSex lifestyles are encouraged to negotiate our kinky interactions and speak openly about our desires, when it comes to explicitly sexual contact, even seasoned perverts seem to flail a bit. The same person who will be sure to let their submissive know when they’ve slacked off on proper protocol will endure dry-and-bitey fellatio. And the same bottom who will promptly advise their top if a whip stroke misses the mark will become tongue-tied when the tongue-job is putting them to sleep.
Why is this? Of course, no one wants to feel as though they’re potentially hurting the feelings of their sexual partner. And I get that. And it can feel daunting to let them know their technique isn’t doing the ‘do. But keep in mind; there are more ways than jumping on the headboard and shouting U R DOIN’ IT WRONG!!! to let a lover know what it would take to get you climbing the walls in insane ecstasy.
What ways?
Using “I” statements is a great way to facilitate feedback. Saying “That isn’t working.” may well be difficult for someone to hear. But something like “I would love to show / tell you what really gets me hot!” is far less likely to feel like a critique, and opens the doors to deeper discussion. Providing feedback might feel presumptuous, but look at it this way: most of us want sex to be pleasurable. Even those of us who get off on erotic pain and tease-and-denial have an idea of what it takes to get off!
What’s that now? You say you don’t know how to get yourself off? Well, this isn’t uncommon either. And don’t worry, it doesn’t mean that it’ll never happen. But I do recommend experimenting with various masturbation techniques in order to get an idea of what brings you pleasure. Don’t forget that achieving a booty-clapping body-quaking paint-peeling orgasm each and every time is an unrealistic goal. But pleasure is not.
Knowing your turn-ons, and communicating them to your partner, is very important. If you aren’t sure about what gets you off, mutual masturbation is a great way to share in the learning with a lover. Letting them watch this intimate process not only fosters comfort and intimacy, it lets them observe, without performance pressure what your arousal cycle looks like, what signals your heightened state, and what you do to get yourself off. Mental notes can be a great way to build on this repertoire, and can fuel your interactive encounters!
Paying attention to physical cues is absolutely necessary when getting busy with the sex. Oral sex especially, because your level and angle of observation doesn’t bring you face to face. Unless, of course, you’re fucking a contortionist. Listening to breathing, moans, and even those tense silences can clue you in to where your partner is in their arousal cycle.
And you know what else can clue you in? Asking. Yep. A simple “are you enjoying that?” or “More? Less, where do you want me?” can give your partner permission to give you feedback in the moment. Which is the best kind, because it can be liberally applied in process.
No matter how many people have told you before how amazing your skills are, checking in and paying attention is important. Everyone is different, and everyone has different desires! I pride myself on not getting messy and slobbery while sucking cock, and yet the sight of me gagging, choking and drooling all over a lover’s cock aroused him so visibly I decided, at that moment, to continue down the drooly road to slobbery blowjobbery because it got him harder than Fermat’s Last Theorem. And his arousal turned me on more, and … and then … um … other stuff happened …
<Extended XXX flashback>
Sorry. OK, yeah.
Where was I…?
Oh yeah. Feedback.
As someone who doesn’t discriminate on sexual partners based on their genital configuration, but who nevertheless hadn’t had sexual intercourse with a female-bodied person in a while, I found myself a bit intimidated when face-to-face with a delightful pussy not too long ago. But I know what I like, and I know how to listen, and I know that enthusiasm and lust counts for a lot. So, I went for it. And lo, it was a lot of fun.
Afterward I mentioned to her that it had been a while for me, and I feared my abilities might have eroded due to a lack of practice. Use it or lose it, right? She replied that some people seem to find their way around quite well, regardless how long they’ve been out of practice. Even in mentioning my apprehension, I invited her to provide me with feedback, and that bolstered my confidence, which in turn emboldened me to go for the gusto.
Mmm … gusto.
Dammit, sorry. Distracted again.
One of the techniques that we BDSM aficionados and kinky types have in our arsenal of perversion is negotiation and feedback. When we are in the midst of a “scene” and are doing the wonderful work of kinky sex, we have ways of communicating our needs, even when it gets intense.
Some kinksters will use a “stoplight system” to indicate how the activity is going for them. So, if someone is getting spanked, and they really want more intense contact, then can glance saucily over their shoulder and call out “Green, I’m loving that!” and the person administering the spanking knows they can up the pace and intensity.
So, what happens if it gets too intense? The person being spanked can call “Yellow … I need you to slow down a bit!” and the persona administering the bootyslaps can ease up. “Red!” is usually used in the case of an emergency, when something goes terribly wrong. But for the purposes of oral sex drills (yeah you heard me … practice this shit!) “red” can simply mean “That isn’t so awesome for me right now, can you try something different?”
You can apply this technique to making your oral sex a fun, interactive experience. Giving your partner permission to direct traffic during your play can not only be a fun roleplay, it can be an awesome lesson! Making it fun, relaxed, and removing the pressure of having to perform goes a long way towards helping people learn what feels good for them, and helps you develop the skills to communicate that effectively.
Giving good head isn’t the only challenge. Receiving it is also something that takes some practice! Lying still, stoic and unmoving doesn’t necessarily help your partner learn how to please you. Being freely vocal, letting your reactions occur naturally, even when they’re silly, can be a great way to build that rapport. Sure, I once was advised I sounded like a horny Wookie during a particularly intense orgasm, but fuck it. I saw stars and called the 99 names of god while ripping that one off, so they knew they were doing something right.
If you are shy about receiving oral sex, or you just do. Not. Like. It? That is Ok! Just let your partner know. Reassure them that it is your preference, and that it doesn’t mean you don’t want to be intimate with them. Sometimes that’s all people need to hear to relieve anxiety.
Role-playing can also help you get past the awkwardness some people feel in expressing their desires. We perverts get off on all manner of power-exchanges. Even if you aren’t particularly kinky? Playing bossy dominant type can be a boon in the bedroom. If you are “ordering” your helpless captive to please you just how YOU like it, it can take some of the pressure off of feeling like you aren’t entitled to get your needs met! Take a lazy afternoon and have your lover at your oral beck-and-call, advising them on every lick, nibble and kiss, and you’ll be surprised how that can carry through to the rest of your sex life.
But what about us submissives?
And if you are in a power-exchange relationship? From the point of view of a dominant, it is pretty easy to order your submissive or bottom to do it how you like. But what about submissives not getting their needs met? Seems like ordering someone around your delicious DMZ isn’t very “submissive,” is it?
Well, yep. It is. If you negotiate your pleasure into the equation. Which you sure as hell should do! Being a bottom or submissive does not mean you don’t get your needs met, too. When you are talking to your partner about your relationship, and negotiating your needs, wants and desires? It is your responsibility to make sure your power exchange relationship has room for mutual sexual satisfaction, if that is what you require.
Some people love denial, or sex isn’t part of their power dynamic. And that’s cool! For others? We need sexual gratification to have a complete, fulfilling relationship. If you believe that The Prime Directive is a vital part of your Dominant / Submissive paradigm, that means it is your job to make sure your needs are being met. As a bottom, sub or slave, you aren’t off the hook for sharing your desires and preferences with your partner. Just because they are a hot dominant doesn't make them mind readers and give them a secret map to your intimate regions. Share, talk, give feedback, and negotiate for it!
Even if it’s a one-night-stand or casual sex, it is my fervent belief that taking the time to get your needs met is valuable. Why spend a night in anxious discomfort as someone goes Tasmanian devil on your genitals because you figure “Well, I won’t be seeing them again.”? Life is too damned short. And hey, that one night stand might well turn into something more involved. And the longer you wait to give that feedback, the more difficult it will be to extract your nether regions from your enthusiastic lover’s mouth maelstrom and sail back into the smoother waters of genital joy.
No matter how you approach it, speaking up about your desires is the best way to get your needs met, and to become the enlightened sex god you know you can be!
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