That’s what society tells us. Hell, even the sex ed taught in schools warn us about it.

Sorry, but fuck that. In no way should sex ever be truly painful, for a woman or for a man. Maybe it’s a scare tactic used to prevent young girls from having sex “too early,” or a remnant of olden times where sex was usually the male thrusting his penis into the young girl without any foreplay or anything before it. Either way, this way of thinking seriously needs to change.

Girls grow up fearing sex, knowing it’s going to be extremely painful. Men continue to push through painful sex with their female partners, thinking it’s “normal,” and after a few times it will start feeling better for her. People believe it’s just that they have to break through the hymen, and that’s what’s causing all the pain.

The number of individuals who believe the hymen is located inside the vagina is astonishing. By now you would think it would be common knowledge that the hymen is more of an outer covering of the vaginal opening than something that resides deep within the vagina. Most women have already broken their hymen by the time they get to sexual play. Whether it’s through sports or from using tampons, most hymens break easily. If a hymen is actually difficult to break through, that woman should be going to her doctor and having it removed without having to experience any pain at all.

Most people aren’t taught the importance of a woman being aroused, wet, relaxed and warmed up from lots of foreplay before attempting to have sex, especially for the first time. I can’t tell you how many emails I’ve gotten from distressed females and their partners about how they can’t get a penis inside, yet never even thought to engage in fingering and other important foreplay acts beforehand.

What terrifies me even more is how so many women who experience pain with only one finger inside still go and try to fit a penis in their vagina. If one finger hurts, in no way should you be progressing onto penetrative sex with a penis.

The most common medical condition that causes this pain is vaginismus. Basically, it’s when the vaginal muscles involuntarily tighten up. With the vaginal walls squeezing shut, trying to push anything inside can be incredibly painful, no matter how wet and turned on the woman may be.


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This form of vaginismus is one of the main reasons for sex being so painful on a girl’s first time. They anticipate the pain, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more extreme cases, however take a lot more work to get over. Dilators are frequently used, where she inserts specialized dildos of different sizes (at an incredibly slow pace) over time. Physical therapy, pelvic floor exercises and other medical interventions may be required as well. Vaginismus is curable, no matter how bad the case. But it takes going to a knowledgeable doctor and learning how to go about fixing it.

Other things that may cause vaginal pain are using lubes containing parabens, glycol and glycerine, being allergic to latex condoms or even the male’s semen. You may also have an actual medical condition, like vulvodynia, a deviated vagina, infection, cystitis, or a whole range of other medical possibilities.

This is why having a good gynaecologist who has actually learned about sexual pain is so important. Unfortunately, the majority of doctors are not aware of the scope of female sexual pain. Many women are sent away with the doctor telling them it’s all in their head and they just need to relax.

If this ever happens to you, never take that as your answer. You should never just grit your teeth and suck the pain up. Sex is meant to be pleasurable, not painful. Well, not unless it’s consensual, intentional pain, like in BDSM play! That’s when it’s okay.

So long story short? Sex should never be painful on your first time. Uncomfortable, sure. Most women who have sex for the first time have never used toys inside them. So the vaginal walls end up stretching more than they have before, which causes micro-tears, which causes the bleeding and discomfort. The hymen may have already been broken, but it also stretches out further than before, which adds to the aching.

Women shouldn’t be having sex until they’ve been fingered comfortably with at least 2-3 fingers. What would be even better is if they went out and bought one or two toys that were a size or two smaller than their partner’s penis, so they could slowly lead up to penetrative sex. It’s all about spending a lot of time on foreplay, being comfortable with your partner, being wet enough and relaxed, and gradually working your way up to your partner’s penis size. Then you can enjoy fantastic, pain free, incredibly pleasurable, satisfying and fun sex!