Or something like that.
And I’ll respond: “I looked it up on Wikipedia and the description there seemed close enough to what I wanted to get across—and shut up anyway! I’m a writer, not a chemist. Or fluid engineer. Or whatever.”
Wait. Let me start over, because this article is supposed to be about male masturbation. Part two in a three-part series for all fathers and potential fathers this month who may or may not have gotten cards on June 17. Or, better yet, gotten blowjobs or something similarly special.
Anyway, some of you may recall motor oil commercials many years back lauding their viscosity, so that your engine doesn’t grind to an agonizing, grinding halt like an epileptic who’s just been shot with a poisoned blowgun dart while in the middle of a seizure after being set on fire. The lesson there seemed to be that a nice, viscous liquid that maintained its viscosity (much like a good lube) was a hell of a lot better than hot pieces of un-lubricated metal rolling against one another in a hellish display of potentially fiery, engine-slaying friction.
Damn, now this article is like an episode of “Car Talk.” Really, I’m here to talk about masturbation.
And when it comes to wanking, I totally prefer the metaphorical hot but smooth sliding sensation of a well-lubed member to a fiery, scratchy, skin-shaving episode of furious dry jacking.
Really, men, that penis has either helped create some kids or it might one day do so. Also, it brings you great pleasure at times and provides a helpful outlet for all the pent-up beer in your bladder. Show it some love. Use some lube. (Note to the ladies: Same applies with handjobs. If you don’t have lube, please use copious amounts of saliva. Just as we men don’t choose to dry-hump a leg if we don’t have to and you don’t want a dick inside you before your parts have gotten all slick and wet, we don’t want a handjob that makes us think you’re trying out Girl Scout skills that taught you how to make fire with two sticks.)
Sadly, I think a lot of guys don’t bother lubing up their cock for masturbation at all, and I don’t understand this. I mean, if you’re only jacking off for 30 to 60 seconds for the sake of cumming, I get it (I guess), but I don’t know why anyone would want to rush that much. Enjoy the “moment” by making it go on for at least several minutes. You’ll be happier. Well, if you lube up, anyway.
Because if you don’t, I find myself wondering if you’re slightly masochistic or if you’re punishing yourself for masturbating at all because of residual guilt that there’s something wrong with doing it. (See part 1 of this series, “A Hand’s Best Friend”)
By the way, those of you guys who prefer to jack off into socks—and apparently there are quite a lot of you out there based on what I hear online and that just makes me sad; but we’ll get to you in part 3 of my wanking series—well, you guys probably don’t care, but listen anyway.
And ladies, you listen too, because you never know when some interesting or even kinky handjob action might be at your fingertips based on some of what I’m about to say.
I know, after 600-plus words and hardly any talk about actually jacking off, you probably don’t believe I have anything to say. Au contraire! (Which may or may not be French for “let’s talk about lube,” but I’m not sure. I took Spanish in high school, even though I’m half French-Canadian and half Luxemborgian.)
Spit
Saliva is the original lube, used before primitive humans discovered animal fat, tree sap and bat guano and then quickly moved on to making, packaging and selling Astroglide. Spit is a good lube. It’s easily accessible and when it dries out, it’s easily renewed because it’s produced in abundance by your own body—except perhaps during an Arizona summer. The major downside is that your hand will then smell like spit, but you should be washing up afterward anyway. And if you’re jacking off in bed before going to sleep, just shove your hand under your pillow and it won’t be a problem. You drool on that pillow all night anyway.
Commercial Lubes
The very same lubes that serve to prepare a woman’s vagina when she’s not able to do so naturally, or just needs a bit of something extra—or you’re trying to get inside a tighter hole because you’re both finally drunk enough to try anal sex for the first time—well, they are great for masturbation, too, of course. They can also be pricey for the really good stuff. Not that you necessarily need primo lube for jacking off, but they can make for an even nicer experience. In any case, it’s your wallet and your penis, so make whatever choice feels right. Better yet, read some reviews of the products at EdenFantasys. They have lots of lubes of different types, and plenty of people to rave or complain about the specifics of each one (thickness, taste, how long before it dries out, etc.).
If you don’t spend a lot of time during any single jerking session, you won’t need anything that lasts too long, in which case your biggest issue may be whether it cleans off easily and/or whether it might leave any greasy stains. If you like more prolonged action, I’d recommend getting a water-based lube that lasts a while without drying out, or getting a silicone-based lube, which will last damn near forever and easily wipes off (also, a tiny bit goes a long way with most silicone lubes).
Petroleum Jelly
This is fairly cheap (especially if you get a store brand instead of Vaseline, or get some obscure petroleum jelly sold at a dollar store) and a small amount can go a long way. Also, it starts off thick-feeling before warming up and becoming more fluid, and a lot of guys like that. I know I do. Downside is that it can stain some materials, though frankly I’ve never had much problem washing it out with a hot washer cycle. Some people don’t like the smell, but there are plenty of scented ones.
Frankly, I stay away from any of the ones scented like baby powder or anything “fresh” as they just seem freaky. Might be your thing, though. When I get a scented one, petroleum jellies with cocoa butter work best scent-wise. But also, I don’t mind the natural petroleum scent; it’s faint enough not to make me think I’m jacking off at a refinery or gas station.
Tip for washing it off your hands and cock: Use shampoo. I find that a plain old inexpensive shampoo brand like Suave, for example, along with fairly hot water, will strip off the greasiness pretty quickly.
Remember, petroleum jelly isn’t condom-safe. Then again, you just jacked off…why would you need to slip on a condom any time soon?
Getting More Exotic
I have tried many an “alternative” lube in my time, because I just like variety, I’m more than a little kinky and I love new and different sensations. I could go on and one about dozens of choices—in fact, I used to have a printout from a web site long ago that outlined the pros and cons of almost every conceivable fluid for jacking off. But I won’t. I’ll just hit a few highlights here to open your mind and jumpstart your imagination.
Hair conditioner—It doesn’t dry out very fast and it’s very conveniently located if you want to knock out a quick one in the shower. Also, unlike shampoo, it’s not going to dry out the skin of your penis potentially.
Shaving cream—This was one of the first substances I used after discovering masturbation in my tween years. Any kind is nice, though I found the gel ones felt best, with a cool, slippery consistency before turning into a slick foam. I’m still amazed to this day that my dad never chastised me for clearly being responsible for using up his shaving cream before I even had facial hair; he had to have suspected since it would often get used up after I spent a really long time in the bathroom taking an imaginary crap. However, be advised that shaving cream can dry out your skin, so using one with moisturizers may be best.
Syrup—I mean pancake syrup, or table syrup. I don’t mean 100% pure maple syrup, which is really expensive, very thin in consistency and way too tasty to waste on a cock unless perhaps someone is sucking it and wants a flavor sensation. No, I mean the stuff in the cereal aisle that is mostly corn syrup, with a little splash of real maple syrup in it (or just maple flavoring). I imagine that actual corn syrup would work just as well. In any case, syrup is interesting because it feels both slippery and sticky, though I’m not sure how that’s possible. It’s very messy though, and requires a bit of cleanup, so be advised.
Honey—Much the same as syrup above, but in my experience, much more sticky and tacky and not nearly as slick.
Peanut butter—I’ve never jacked myself off with my hand using peanut butter, but I have fucked a couple of full jars. Don’t laugh. OK, go ahead and laugh; I’m sure it looked ridiculous. But it feels great. I buy a cheap off-brand peanut butter, in a jar just long enough to accommodate most of my erect penis, and I plunge in. The sensation of going in and out is great and the peanut butter will pretty reliably stay in the jar. Also, when you come, you have a place to catch it all and then throw it away. Getting it cleaned up off your cock is a bit of work though, so this is a once-in-a-while thing unless you have a food-related wet-and-messy fetish thing going (I do, slightly).
Oil—I don’t mean motor oil, despite what you might think from my earlier example of the motor oil commercial. I admit I’m kind of curious what motor oil would feel like, but also concerned about what it might do to my skin and how horrendous cleanup might be. What I do mean is cooking oil, like vegetable oil or olive oil. A lot of people use olive oil as a skin conditioner, so there’s ample precedent, and it stays slick and wet pretty much indefinitely, with cleanup not being too bad.
So, there you have it. A plethora of suggestions for getting your freak on a little (or just making things more comfortable) for a good wanking or a handjob from someone dear to you.
Now, if you’ll pardon me, the pantry is beckoning…
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