Setting the Mood for a Happy Sexual Existence

I’m sure a lot of you probably already know this, but sex is awkward. And virgin sex? ….. You can NOT get more awkward and clumsy than that.

First of all, by the time that you get there, you are so beyond anxious and excited that you can’t even think straight, let alone figure out where all the elbows and hands should go.

Second, we may all remember our first, but that doesn’t mean we think of them fondly. Sometimes the people we like, or the ones we really want to like, aren’t worth the time we spend on them. Of course, we don’t know that ahead of time. So don’t be disappointed if you don’t have a storybook experience. In fact, don’t be surprised if it sucks . It’s going to be awkward, but it probably won’t last long, and the good news is, you’re going to have years and years to improve upon it.

And do it sober.

Ok, ok. I know.

The whole sober thing? It’s kind of a joke. Most people don’t feel open enough to experiment unless they’re under some sort of influence.

The key here is not making those kinds of decisions when you’re hammered. Threesomes, rough play, sex in public places… I mean, if you have to be trashed to be willing to agree, it’s probably not a good idea in the first place. Yeah, you might enjoy it, but maybe you really wont, and the last thing you want is to come out of it feeling like you’ve been talked into something you didn’t like.

Sometime down the road, when you’re more comfortable with yourself, or the situation… But in the end, you have to live with those memories, you have to be able to respect yourself. You can avoid a lot of unpleasantness and questioning of self-worth if you make those decisions sober, even if you need a little lubrication to actually get it on.

As awesome as it sounds, there are a few things you need to take into consideration.

1. It’s very unlikely that it’s going to be comfortable; sand, dirt, sticks, bugs, rocks, concrete – Even on a bed of soft grass, you’re likely to find something digging in somewhere.

2. You might need a change of clothes and some water. Things get ripped, cum gets smeared on things you need to wear back home (Including hair). You may have to combat grass stains. Water, mud, and sand gets everywhere! Of course sex outside isn’t always preplanned, so toss a package of body wipes in your purse/backpack and you should be fine.

3. You probably aren’t as alone as you think you are. Unless you are 10 miles out in the woods, in the middle of winter, and at least a mile from anything even resembling a path, you should be ready to be discovered. It could happen!

In fact, you’re likely to be twice as horny. Your hormones are going to be going nuts, and sometimes that means wanting sex and wanting it badly.

As far as being fat, you’re going to put on weight, but most of it’s necessary. A great deal of it’s just water, and some of it’s baby for goodness sake!

Of course none of this means that you won’t feel like a whale. You probably will. Pregnancy is like having PMS for nine months straight, and I have yet to meet a woman who feels sexy when she’s bloated and bleeding.

If you’re lucky, your partner will do everything in their power to make you feel like you are even more beautiful than you were before you became a walking baby farm. It may be hard to believe them, but you gotta give them some credit, and even if you have to pretend you believe them, just roll with it! You’re horny anyway right?

If you’re really enjoying sex, and you’re relatively comfortable with your partner, shit might get crazy. You’ll probably laugh a lot, and wrestle a little, and generally act a little silly, and then weird stuff starts happening. One of you will crack a joke – only it’s not entirely a joke – and the other, will just run with it.

Maybe they joke that you’re a cannibal and that’s why they like you, so you decide to show them some super sexy cannibalistic moves (like nipple biting). Or maybe you tease them, and then demand that they make you. ‘Make you what?’ they ask, and before you know it you’re tied to the bed with an apple in your mouth!

You might find new uses for clothespins, and spatulas, or dress up like a princess (maybe even something furry). You might start role playing scenarios involving people you know, or even celebrities. Basically, you need to be open and willing to have some fun, because the more you know and accept about each other, the better you will be together.

Sidenote: Acceptance, does not necessarily mean indulgence. Like I said above, you need to decide what you’re cool with before you do (or do not) go through with it.

Safe sex? You fucking know it!

Scrambling for condoms when you’re already naked and in the heat of it may not seem like a good way to keep the mood going, but you know what will really kill the mood? Realizing that you may be contracting an STD.

When they talked about condoms in school (if you are lucky enough to have had half decent sex ed), they talked about how to put one on, avoiding STDs (mainly AIDS) and pregnancy, but they probably didn’t warn you that condoms were going to seem like such a gigantic hassle.

They usually run at about $1 a piece, and if you’re having a lot of sex, that can get pretty costly pretty quickly. Not only that, but they absolutely dull the feeling, not just for men, but for women as well! You’ll smell different if you’ve used them than you will if you hadn’t, and you might have reactions to the lube or even the latex. Sometimes they rip and they can fall off! How sexy is it to have to stop and pull a condom out of your cooch in the middle of it all?

BUT condoms, dental dams, and even the right lube, can all help you avoid the transmission of some serious, and sometimes deadly nastiness. And, if you happen to be one of the unlucky ones who does react badly to the average latex condom, check out your other options! Avoid nonoxynol-9. Pick up some natural, unscented, non flavoured lube and avoid other irritants if you know you’re going to have sex (sugar/excess alcohol/scented douching).

You really don’t want to have to confess that you’re riddled with syphilis every time you play with somebody new do you? My guess is no, but if your answer is yes, then you’re even weirder than I am, and for that you deserve some serious props.

So boys and girls, the moral of this story, is that I want you to go out, have consensual sex, be weird, be you, be proud and be safe! Love who you love, and forget everybody else, they aren’t you, and only you should be setting the mood for your own sexual existence.