Fellas: Don't use a penis pump in Creek County, Okla.! You might lose your pension benefits.

Okay, okay, so that's not all there is to this story. The gentleman in question did a lot more than just use a penis pump. For example, he was charged with stalking, but the charges were dismissed because it was revealed in the proceedings that his “victim” was actually with him at the time. He's been convicted of four felony accounts of indecent exposure, having physical control of a vehicle while under the influence and then charged with a felony DUI. At which point, the judge in his case ordered his family members to secure all motor vehicles and commandeer all the sets of keys Thompson possesses.

His name's Donald Thompson, and he was a judge in Creek County for 23 years. And Creek County's decided prison time's just not enough.

Thompson and his wife were supporting themselves in part on $7,789.51 (Holy crap!) a month, which he began collecting a month after his retirement in 2004. And he argued in court that he should be allowed to keep his pension because his antics didn't disrupt court proceedings. And besides, he wasn't really masturbating. But the court disagreed, and Thompson and his wife have to find a new way to support themselves. No pension for you! (Poor guy.)