Dear TA:

When hooking up with someone for the first time, it’s not quite that I assume that they will want me to strap on so much as I assume they will want to fuck me, and nine times out of ten, I tend to fuck with a strap on.

I’m not sure when the switch happened, exactly, but after a certain point in my dating life, it became clear that the girls I was hooking up with expected me to strap on. I think it was something energetically that I was giving off, a sense of penetration, a hint that that’s how I fucked. And that energy was part of what drew those hookup dates to me, I would guess. This is mostly speculation, of course. I didn’t actually ask them if they were picking up on some sort of “strap-on energy” after we hooked up. However, I do know that none of them protested when I went to strap on, and some of them even requested it.

It’s probably not just about energy — it’s also about the way that I flirt, and the kinds of things I say in dirty talk while on a date or in foreplay. I don’t know how to explain it exactly, but I think after a certain point, it was clear that I was the kind of butch who was cockcentric, and who fucked strapped on.

I don’t carry a cock and harness on me at all times, but I do bring one with me if I’m going out to a place where I might be hooking up with someone. It’s pretty unlikely that I’ll find someone to hook up with if I go to the library at three o’clock on a Wednesday, but if I’m going to the dyke club at nine p.m. on a Saturday, chances are higher. I tend to pack when I go out, anyway, so that just feeds two birds with one bag of birdseed — I’m all ready to go, if by chance I do hook up, and I have that extra accessory jolt of confidence that comes from packing.

It’s not news, I’m sure, as I have written about this cock frequently: one of my very favorite cocks is the Silky. It is elastomer and has a rod in the middle of it which means it’s very squishy and pliable, but can still be hard enough to fuck with. It is my go-to choice for a packing cock. It’s also about 1 5/8” in diameter and 6” long, so it’s a pretty good sized average cock. Not too big, not too small. Its size probably won’t intimidate anybody, it’s fairly unimposing, but it’s still substantial enough to fuck with well.

So to move on to the second part of your question, yes, it is polite to start out on the average side. Most folks think they need cocks that are bigger than what they actually need, in my experience. Most vaginal canals are pretty happy with an average size cock. I’d say 6” by 1 1/2” in diameter is plenty big enough (maybe a little bit on the big side, for some) and still satisfying for all involved. If it’s too big for her, well, you’ve got your hands. Warm her up with your fingers. If you never get to using your cock, that’s okay. If it’s too small for her, well, you’ve got your hands. Use your hands with your cock. Use three fingers, four. Fist her, if she really wants more. And you can always have a second date, if she is just begging for something bigger to fill her up.

Save the really big ones for someone that you fuck more than once. That is the benefit of being able to choose a size — you can custom pick depending on who you’re fucking and what they want. Of course, you may have your favorites too, and that’s okay. It helps your own fucking style and confidence when you have cocks that you’re familiar with, cocks that you can easily use and maneuver and drive to your own satisfaction and hers. My particular favorite is theVixskin Maverick by Vixen Creations, which is 7” x 2” and I have been told was too big for someone to take. It’s not a good blow job cock. And it is often too big for average condoms, sometimes breaking them if I get going. So that’s the kind of cock I use when I’m with somebody that I know, not with someone I’m hooking up with for the first time.

There are plenty of other silicone cocks that are in the 6” x 1 1/2” range, too. Another favorite of mine is the Vixskin Mustang by Vixen Creations, it is 6 1/4” x 1 1/2” and silicone, so it is easier to sterilize than the Silky (which can only be wiped down and not boiled to sterilize). It’s harder to pack with, though, so it’d be the kind of thing you would probably need to bring with you in your bag when you go out.

One last thing, while we’re on the subject of sterilization and safer sex: When hooking up for the first time, it’s probably a good idea not to go down on them and use your tongue, unless you’re using a dam. Go old school with your hands, sure. The risk of transmitting infection with hands is very slim, but I still suggest using gloves. Add ‘em to your trick bag and sexualize the process of using them. Practice with your girlfriend, even. Eventually it’ll be second nature — and even very hot.

Overall? Don’t over think this. Bring your cock sometimes, don’t bring it other times. Practice with your hands and safer sex protocols. My advice tends to be, “It’s better to have a cock and not need it than to need a cock and not have it.” Get a cock — or two, or three — that are average or slightly larger than average size, and use what feels good to you. If someone is into you, they’ll probably be into your cock, too. And if they say, “Uh, nope, too big,” that’s cool. Offer them use of your smaller one, next time. Might be a great way to get a second date.