Kink and Sadomasochism come with a load of risks. The list is long enough to make your eyes glaze over. But, I'm not here to trot out the usual suspects. Yes, they're real and no, you shouldn't ignore them, but there's another set of dangers that often go unmentioned. They are intrinsic to kink and yet so potentially threatening to some that they do everything within their power, subconsciously, to avoid them.
That danger inherent in SM is….
(Cue horror movie soundtrack….)
Intimacy and human connection.
Yes, intimacy.
Because, at some level, SM demands participants to be true to their desires and hungers, vulnerabilities and savagery. Fully engaged kink insists on full presence without pretense and willingness to connect the raw humanity to another’s raw humanity. The elegant defenses and social rules of appropriate behavior are built up by civilization and maintained in culture to insulate ourselves from that dangerous primal state. SM, along with some sports, is one of the few remaining semi-sanctioned arenas where the raw emotions and connections are permitted and even celebrated. To engage in this behavior may lead to a flood of emotions, elation and even risk failure to achieve connection, with the added danger of feeling genuine loneliness. It takes guts, skill and personal risk to fly high with another person.
This is a mighty scary proposition to some people.
That danger inherent in SM is….
(Cue horror movie soundtrack….)
Intimacy and human connection.
Yes, intimacy.
Because, at some level, SM demands participants to be true to their desires and hungers, vulnerabilities and savagery. Fully engaged kink insists on full presence without pretense and willingness to connect the raw humanity to another’s raw humanity. The elegant defenses and social rules of appropriate behavior are built up by civilization and maintained in culture to insulate ourselves from that dangerous primal state. SM, along with some sports, is one of the few remaining semi-sanctioned arenas where the raw emotions and connections are permitted and even celebrated. To engage in this behavior may lead to a flood of emotions, elation and even risk failure to achieve connection, with the added danger of feeling genuine loneliness. It takes guts, skill and personal risk to fly high with another person.
This is a mighty scary proposition to some people.
Excellent article! One of the main reasons I started playing with the big balloons doing climb-ins publicly, was because I wanted to see people smiling and laughing more when they play (dungeon atmosphere can be ever so SERIOUS), it is also an effective way to get the entire room involved (rather than just watching) and the intimacy that happens inside the balloons has been awesome (even between strangers)! I GET IT. I would love to see people really connecting a lot more! After all, there is amazing potential here, for personal growth that goes beyond people displaying themselves and whatever skills they might have with a flogger, ropes, etc. Of course I knew I liked Midori when I saw her inflatable sex doll piece on exhibit! haha.
Thank you, Midori, for a wonderful post. I completely agree: BDSM *can* include a substantial human-to-human connection that includes an amazing level of intimacy. From experience I know how deep that connection can feel. I vividly recall my first such connection with a beautiful sadist in an Arizona dungeon (bows in gratitude to Ms. Dyva). Although we only just met, and no conventional sexual contact occurred, the power exchange and base interaction that happened made me weep with joy. Since then my dominant wife and I enjoy pushing that deep, emotional and hedonistic connection in various shared and mutual ways that work for us both. We've even had people tell us they can see our connection in our (scene and non-scene) interactions, which is wonderfully validating. P.S. So many of us appreciate your service to the community, Midori. I had the pleasure of participating in a suspension demonstration in Chicago with you some years ago, and learned other skills from you in workshops. Thank you and best wishes.
One other thought. My wife can experience "Dom drop" (emptiness after a scene) when our connection isn't solid or when her intimacy needs during/after a scene are not met. We talk a lot about this, and I think it's important for bottoms to know what the intimacy needs are for their top. For us, for example, it's important for me to express gratitude and attend to her (following any immediate aftercare). And it's vital for me to postpone any "scene processing" (aka critique) until another day. Sounds simple, but after an intense scene, I'm in a different head-space, and me being clear beforehand about her needs helps to ensure that we both get what we want and need.
I agree with the sentiment of this article but there is a little part of me that feels not quite right about it. I love the intimacy that conscious kink can generate and I agree there is a palpable difference between a scene that is connected, present and authentic than there is with one that is about ego or uses "correct" forms of play as a form of escapism... escaping self and intimacy.
I would argue however that the difference is not intmacy. It is consciousness. This article is in danger of putting down solo erotic experiences or rites of passage as less valid than those that include the intimacy of more than one person being involved. Intimacy with another is not the measure of conscious kink and authenticity but is only one benefit of it.
One can indeed be that solo bungee jumper and get an incredible amount of self realisation, authentic personal connection to self and personal transformation out of the experience. It can be far from empty. Solo masturbation does not have to be empty or lacking of authentic raw encounters with real humanity outside of social constructs and niceties. So too can a solo journey into the self that is facilitated by a skilled Top.
Just because the intimacy is not between the players and each other, does not mean the experience is not authentic, potent and valid.
For me the difference between an empty scene and a potent one is consciousness, presence, intent and openness to the authenticity of the moment. That may or may not include intimacy with another human being.
Avika de Vine
Goddess of Conscious Kink
I am relatively new to play parties and BDSM. Your article, Midori, expresses so well a discussion I was having with a friend recently. I wondered at the lack of intimacy in many of the scening couples at play parties. I couldn't understand it. For me, if I use a crop on someone it will [italics|always] be a precursor to sex. So I don't play with anyone other than my lover. And when I pick up that crop the people watching cease to exist. It's all about my crop, his reactions, the two of us and the raw sensuality that is uncovered that way.
Thanks for putting this out there...so succinctly and eloquently. Nicely done.
In the Grand Scheme of things I'm relatively inexperienced regarding skills. However, I've caught myself on more than one 'play' occasion (both private and publicly) concentrating more on what I'm doing, than on who I am with. Which is more important? Well while the technical aspects are important for safety, your play partner needs to feel a connection with you, or you may find you're soon 'playing' alone. It's a Balance which I believe is the underlying core of passionate play.
While the article made a great deal of sense, and I agree with the lack of passionate connectivity, I suspect that playing publicly with folks we don't know very well has many of us hesitating. You don't have to have sex with a 'stranger' who happens to have an amazing skill level. However, by communicating, you can negotiate a kiss, a caress or two without becoming the Creep/pervert. The occasional kiss and skin-on-skin can achieve that connection when accompanied by eye contact (even if it's as you place/remove a blindfold). Only those involved can make a scene Hot. Change now~negotiate for a Kiss during play. Talk with your play partners about more than 'Limits'.
Interesting