Of course I don’t mean all dominant women are frustrated. There are those who are fulfilled, actualized and satisfied—but seem to be just as many who aren’t. I know this because, in the process of exploring and teaching the art and pleasure of sensual dominance, I’m often privy to the women’s concerns and dissatisfactions. The ugly truth is that many don’t feel heard, understood, appreciated or pleased.
Surprised? You’d think that a woman who has found pleasure in taking charge erotically would get what she wants. Put on the outfit, throw on the attitude and she can just demand for what she wants, right?
No.
There’s a whole lot more that goes into the blossoming of the happy dominant—there are development stages and an art to the cultivation of the feminine dominant which can be as challenging as the most prickly roses.
Each of us harbors vast potential for erotic desires, pleasures and personae, like a mix of mystery seeds within us. As we begin our conscious adult sexual lives, most of us aren’t aware of what our ‘seed packs’ contain. They may be daisies, wild flowers, night blooming jasmine, or belladonna. Rarely do we come equipped with only a single type of seed or a singular sensual predisposition. Even the most dominant woman or man has sensual expressions beyond that. To assume that a woman must conform to one flora type, or that all dominant women have the same flora type in common, is to utterly disregard her uniqueness from the get go. Does her complexity baffle you? Does she not fit your image of a dominant? If so, congratulate her in her uniqueness, for you have a very special rose. To treat these as flaws and letdowns can lead to her frustration and dissatisfaction.
Sadly, most of us let the world around us—parents, religion, media and peers—stick a label on our seed packet, and we blindly accept that as truth of our content. The potential of our libidinous flora is vast, but only if we bother to plant them in fertile soil. If the history of sexual politics is any indication, San Francisco, Seattle and Berlin are among the places with some of the richest cultural ‘soil’ for these seeds to germinate and sprout. These cultural environments provide mulch rich in permission and low in toxic shame factor. Seeds left too long in cultural or domestic environments high in the toxic mix of shame, guilt, judgment and oppression, seem to stifle growth and encourage black mold of bigotry to flourish. Various corners of online cultures also provide conditions that may be sensually rich, or depressingly barren. Sadly, at times of our erotic potential goes unplanted, like seeds left in the bag and forgotten, so we never get the chance to see what might come to bloom.
Let’s say that a woman has the chance to plant her sensual seeds in a lush environment, and from that sprout a range of pleasures, from sweet and gentle to ravishing, or even demanding and commanding. She has her initial thrills with engaging her dominance. Perhaps her lover’s permission made this fruitful condition possible, or maybe it was something she read, or a workshop she attended. Permission to explore is the starts this growth, but this permission alone isn’t enough for a woman to find full joy in sensual dominance. The Dominant hasn’t blossomed yet.
If the lover does nothing more than give permission, but doesn’t continue to encourage, celebrate and honor her explorations, it’s akin to forgetting to water the plant after it starts to sprout. Don’t expect that simply finding the initial spark of dominance is all she needs to instantly gain the confidence to know and get what she wants. She may be facing an entire lifetime of labels and expectations to overcome. It’s a vulnerable time where the growth could be stunted, embittered, twisted with resentment or even killed off. These things will happen if you expect perfection, total confidence, and full delivery of your fantasy. She is not your FemBot fantasy machine. She is a real woman. Keep in mind that without the proper nurturing even the most enthusiastic seedling can wither and desires crumble.
The proper nourishment of the budding dominant depends also on her own efforts to truly understand what pleases her. If she let’s others tell her what she should enjoy, whether that’s her lover or her newfound kinky community, she’s fallen back into unexamined passivity, and that’s not any sort of empowered state of dominance. Even if a woman is being bitingly bitchy and domineering, she’s demurring into angry passivity if she’s behaving based on what she thinks she’s supposed to do. She’s now effectively stunted or twisted her dominant growth potential.
She needs to examine deeply what truly makes her happy. Her lover or bottom can be an integral part of this by genuinely caring about her joy and actively engaging in dialogue with her on what thrills her. It’s tragically common for a bottom to simply assume that what they want is also what the dominant wants. Listen to her and nourish her with what feeds her desires.
Yes, there may be thorns. Yes, there maybe brittle petals. Yes, there will be moments of drought or vulnerability. But care for this flower of dominance well, whether within yourself or in your partner, and you’ll both be rewarded with delicious scents of pleasure and glorious blooms of gracious power for a life time, long after the blush of the first tentative blossoms fade.