The Hand-Job

No matter how good at it they are themselves, women can always, always do it better. We have something they don't, you see: sex appeal. They aren't really going to get themselves all hot and bothered at the thought or sight of jacking themselves off, but they damn sure will watching us, on our knees in that vulnerable position, face so close but oh-so far away, tits bouncing with every stroke.

Giving handjobs is like playing the piano: each is a fine art that must be crafted over time, and said performer must dedicate oneself wholly to the craft. It requires desire, passion, technique and skill. If you're lacking of any, the art will suffer. Sure, you can bang something out and probably impress most with what you're able to produce, but in order to actually make their knees weaken with your talents, you have to have nimble fingers, unflappable enthusiasm and a tireless work ethic.

I used to give handjobs for a living. And after performing hundreds, on hundreds of different men, I know a few things. While it's very true that practice does make perfect, it didn't take me long to become quite good. And there are different keys that can make it better immediately, for you both.


For The Guys:

Dudes, you seem to think that all you have to do to prepare for and participate in getting a hand job is show up, drop your pants and sit down. I'm here to tell you that this is not the case.

For Wet naps. Baby wipes. Soap and water. Any of the aforementioned will go a long way when you want a handjob. Don't just drop your pants and expect your sweaty, smelly member to get any attention just because it's erect. No, it's not a blowjob, but our noses are probably coming almost as close to it as if it were, and the scent of ass, sweat, urine and salt is not going to make us too eager to help you out. And I'm only half joking about this.

For If it's not being done right—tell her. Handjobs are hard work! You know that; you've done it a lot more than we have. Our arms get tired, our shoulders become sore and the elbows lock up. Before our knees start to bruise, if she's jerking too weakly or if her grip is too tight, let her know. She may be enjoying doing it for you, and it may not be that she's doing it wrong, but if something else would get you off harder and faster let her know. She's going to get tired after a while, and so will you, especially when that lube starts to dry up. Be polite (and sexy) and give her tips on how to do it. If you like it better with two hands in a corkscrew motion, let her know. If you'd rather it be short jerky motions than long forceful pumps, just say so. She's doing this for your pleasure, not her own—you might as well get all you can out of it. Besides, we like it when we make you shake and twitch.
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For Know what you’re getting and be satisfied with it. Let’s get something straight: a handjob is not a blowjob; and a proper handjob is not a precursor to a blowjob. We’re talking apples and oranges, guys. "Just lick it a little," and, "put it in your mouth," were things I'd hear frequently at work. Hey—if my hands were for lease, my lips probably were too—right? I expected it there, but it was just as common outside of work. The guys I dated seemed to all be convinced that a handjob was only a kiss away from head. If I'm working to get you off with my hand and you pester me for something else, it's going to make me want to get up and leave. You're going to get off, and I'm going to make sure of it—don't bug me for something different. That's just ungrateful. If your woman wants to blow you, she will. You're not going to have to beg for it, and doing so isn't going to do anything but ruin your handjob.

When you're about to blow, warn us. I once had a customer not warn me and ended up with cum splattered amongst my curls. Needless to say, I was not happy. Had he warned me, I could have prepared by having a towel ready to catch it, or by simply aiming his cock away from my face. Hell, if it didn't end up in my hair I may have been impressed with the force and distance with which it shot out. If we're in a car or the movies or anywhere else where cum stains aren't really convenient, having something in your hand, ready to catch it with—say, a tissue—would be really great. We'll think you're super considerate and thoughtful and won't be able to resist when you request the next one.


For The Gals:

Just reaching into his pants and pulling his cock up and down is not going to cut it. If you want to knock his socks off, you're going to have to do a bit more than that, and it’d help if you like it. Whether this is foreplay or the main event, your goal is the same—to make him feel as good as you can.

LUBE, WOMAN! Vaginal dryness is an issue, yes? No man wants to fuck a girl who's not wet; we all know this, and men don't want to fuck your hand if it's not wet either. Pulling the sensitive skin of his penis is not going to get him going unless your mutual goal is to mix a little pain with your pleasure. If it's convenient you could use a (water-based!) lubricant. You can also use your saliva, but it dries up pretty quickly, so make sure to pay attention to that. You could also start by rubbing your pussy against him if you’re turned on yourself; that’ll get you both going, as well as providing some lubrication.

Get into it. I'm sure that you can at least pretend to be interested. If you were to look at your partner's face as they were getting you off with their fingers, and they were completely expressionless or disinterested, it’d suck some of the fun out of it. So have a good time. Act like you're absolutely enamored with his dick—and even if you have no idea what you're doing down there, it won't matter. Bite and lick and purse your lips. Moan and look into his eyes seductively. Feel yourself up or encourage him to do it for you. Swing your hair around like Tawny Kitaen in that Whitesnake video. Turn up the sexy and throw yourself completely into the act, making him think this is definitely as good for you as it is for him.

Switch it up. No one wants to get bored. Move your hand in different ways, try new things. Grip him tightly, loosen your fingers. Use both hands, use one. Pay close attention to the head, focus on the shaft. Use your mouth sometimes to add extra lube or just provide a different sensation. Don't jump around like a hyperactive monkey, though—build a up a rhythm and stick with it for a few minutes before you go off to something new. Pay attention to what you're doing and what he responds to. If something makes him draw his breath in sharply, or something else makes his toes curl, work with that for a while. His body will normally let you know what he likes and doesn't.

Don't forget the rest of him. Stroke the balls. Let your fingertips run along the insides and tops of his thighs. Pinch and lick his nipples. Kiss his stomach and hips. If he's comfortable with it, play with his perineum—and if he's really adventurous, stimulate his prostate—but never without asking! The shocker is best for guys when it's not a complete shock.

Don’t stop. He may take a while; it may start to become a pain, but work through it for as long as you can. Switch hands or use your mouth for a bit to recover, but keep the momentum going. And when he’s coming, don’t stop jerking him as soon as the juices start flowing—keep going til the last drop is out, until he’s done writhing, gradually slowing down and eventually stopping when his orgasm is completely over. A guy doesn’t stop fucking as soon as he begins orgasming—you shouldn’t stop, either!

Most importantly: practice. Do it often, and try new things. The more handjobs, the more variety—the better they’ll be, which will make the experience more pleasurable for both of you.