HANDS-SOLO (or, let the Wookiee win)

Traditionally speaking, men like to work with their hands. Whether they’re unearthing treasures or making a giant vat of mac ‘n cheese, chances are there’s a dirty hand somewhere close by. And hands are more than adequate for getting your randy rub-off on. So let’s set the mood with some Billy Squire and Clarence Carter, and take a look at a few of the many options out there.

Now, the basics of getting your jerk on are pretty straightforward – unsheathe penis; take penis in hand(s); stroke penis to your heart’s delight. And of course you can use the best male masturbator you can find. But here are a few tricks you may find useful in the course of your standard stroke:


1. The Gorge: Cinch your penis as if it was a writing instrument (in which case, the pen truly is mightier than the…), and slowly begin to move your hand up and down. This will allow your penis to slip-and-slide in and out of the dewy dell formed by your thumb and forefingers.

Concentrate not on your penis, but on whatever stimuli you’ve chosen, be it a video, book, or just whatever nasty wet dream is tickling your fancy of late – because if you’re a guy, you already know that your brain developed its own Video On Demand service long before the local cable company offered it up.

2. The Family Jeweler: This method requires a little ambidextrousness: while stroking yourself with one hand, cup your free hand around your balls. Gently squeeze them (I said GENTLY) as you vary your stroking rhythm. As your orgasm overcomes you, keep squeezing your balls, adding yet another wrinkle of sensation to your, well, nut.

3. The Lemon Song: Work the glans (the head) like it’s a lemon on a juicer. No, don’t mush and mangle it; hold it with one hand while applying pressure and rubbing with the other hand.

4. Rubber Banding It: Work on the frenulum area, rubbing and gently stretching it. For those of you not yet in the know, the frenulum, or frenulum of prepuce of penis, is an elastic-like band of tissue which connects the glans to the foreskin or prepuce. Repeated stimulation of the frenulum will, for many men, result in grade-A nutting. (Of course, if you have a circumcised penis, you may not have a whole lot of frenulum left – but it’s still got a superfluity of super-happy nerve receptors.)

5. The Pierced Brosnan: If you have a pierced cock, then try (gently) tugging or rolling the piercing while stroking. This is especially good for Prince Albert (PA) and Frenulum piercings, but if you’re sporting some heavy metal, you probably got it for a good reason – so they should put it to work!

6. The Pillow Talker: Hump a pillow – preferably a soft, downy one, and not anything rough (especially denim). Also keep in mind that, in general, penises love high thread counts. Just saying. Do be careful where you nut, though; otherwise you’ll be sleeping on a crusty pillow tonight.

7. Tainted Love: This modus cop-erandi is similar to the Family Jeweler, but instead of cupping your balls, use your other hand to apply pressure to and massage your perineum as you stroke your penis.

The perineum (or taint, if you prefer to keep your sexual lexicon as distinctly non-clinical as possible) is the small area of skin located between your scrotum and your anus. And like the anus and scrotum, it’s exceedingly rich in nerve endings, making it a fine candidate for erotic massaging. You may want to employ lubricant for this, as it will keep the perineum moist and more malleable – but be sure to stick with a water-soluble brand, as there’s always the chance of it leaking into your anus.

8. Counter-Cock-Wise: A.k.a. the Rock Around the Cock. Work it in one direction only – stroke up from the base with both hands, alternating for awhile. Then stroke down from the glans – up, up; down, down. The more you establish a steady rhythm, the more you’ll be able to control the sensations. The only risk with this method is with all the clockwise-/counter-clockwise actions, there is a slight chance of causing a fissure in the space-time continuum. But it’s totally worth it.

9. The Nippler: Your nipples, much like those of women, are also highly responsive erotogenics (erogenous zones, y’all). Give ‘em a little love both before, and especially during your personal playtime.

10. The Very Long Engagement; a.k.a. the Kama Sutra Jerk Extravaganza: This takes approximately an hour. So you might want to clear some space in your appointment calendar beforehand. Because nothing fucks up the well-intentioned fuckery of a good Kama Sutra application like the boss walking in on you.

First, as this is going to take awhile, apply lubrication to your penis. Because penile chafing is a really shitty gift, the kind that keeps giving. The trick here is to masturbate very slowly, building a series of high and low points – but not letting the highs get to the point of no turning back. The more you build up and ease back, the more intense your eventual orgasm is going to be. So essentially you’re teasing yourself – which goes to show that sometimes, delayed gratification is even better than the freeze-dried instant kind.


FROM THE HISTORICAL ACCURACY DEP’T: In the Kama Sutra version of this method, also known as the Yen and the Yang, the woman is usually doing the masturbation for you, with your end result occurring in her mouth. But you can still do it solo; besides – sex is not like a highway – on this road, there’s no wrong way to get off.