Sex and the Empty Nest

You know how when you have a 2-year-old who’s been throwing temper tantrums since dawn, and he won’t go to bed, and all you want is some peace and quiet and a good night’s sleep? Meanwhile, all your husband wants is just a little bit of your attention, but you don’t have anything left to give? You look at him and say: “Someday, they will leave.”

Or, you’ve both been working all day and come home to bratty kids who won’t listen to you or do their chores or homework, and there’s still so much to finish before you both plop down in bed, tired as hell, but maybe occasionally you fit a little quickie in before you pass out cold. You know it’s just not what it used to be, and you dream that, someday, they will leave.

Then the teen years arrive. Your home becomes a revolving door of adolescents with bad attitudes. They stay up all hours of the night, and you don’t have one shred of privacy left. God forbid you and your husband dare have sex or make even the slightest peep—not to mention the noise the bed makes—you are greeted with those annoying, “We know what you were doing” stares in the morning—which really kills the mood for next time...whenever that may be.

And you pray that Someday. Soon. They. Will. Leave.

Then that day finally comes. You pack off the last one. You think that someday is finally here? Think again. Because, if your sex life is alive at all, it’s probably been in a coma for so long, you’re not sure it can be revived. So you only have two choices. One is to leave it that way, pull the plug, and say R.I.P. Or, you can give it a good shot of of the paddles and CPR and revivify the would-be corpse.

My husband and I opted for the latter.

It would be great to be able to say we ripped off our clothes and had hours and hours of sex all over the house the insant our youngest daughter was out the door, but in reality, I sat in my bedroom crying because my baby was gone, while my husband just sat in front of the TV, as usual. We had become strangers, roommates, friends with occasional benefits. And we weren’t really sure how to get the spark back, or if it was even possible. When we were much younger, we had a very active sex life. But as it is with many parents, the responsibilities of raising those little ones had put all that on the back burner, and turned off the heat.

After a few months of life in libido limbo, which actually became quite depressing for both of us, I was at my wit’s end. Now, we don’t normally fight, and we especially don’t yell, but it was the only way I could break through the barrier of ice between us. “I love you, dammit!” I hollered. “This is the time of our lives we’ve been waiting for. It’s finally time for us. Someday is here!”

So after I got that off my chest, we talked...a lot.

One of our problems, he told me, was that he didn’t think there was anything left that we didn’t already know about one another, sexually or otherwise. Our love life had become predictable—there were no surprises, the fireworks were gone.

But I completely disagreed. I knew there were areas we hadn’t tapped into, if not ever, at least not in a very long time. Plus, in many ways I wasn’t the same girl I’d been when I was young, more uptight, reserved and inexperienced. We’d explored kinky things, but I wasn’t ready to fully embrace them then. Age, experience, and just life in general had given me a confidence I hadn’t had before. With that confidence, I was now much more uninhibited and aggressive. What I needed to do was show him that the woman I’d become was not the same girl he’d once known in bed—which is exactly what I set out to do.

Admittedly, it wasn’t always easy. I may be less inhibited than I once was, but I’m not completely off the hook. Every time we try something new, I have to push past my comfort zones. It’s like getting off the kiddie rides and hitting the big roller coaster—much scarier, but, oh so thrilling.

We have a standing date night every Saturday—not that it’s the only time we have sex. But no matter what else happens during the week, we definitely have an all-out, no-holds-barred, marathon sex night. I’m a natural planner, so I tend to plan these sessions well in advance (although, once in a while, he’ll surprise me and take over). Most of the time I do dress up. Like most men, my husband is very aroused by visual stimulation. I’ve also got different playlists on my iPod, which I select depending on what kind of night I’m trying to create. Another bonus, now that the kids are gone, is that we’re no longer limited by the confines of our bedroom. The whole house is up for grabs—and we take full advantage of it.

Unfortunately, my son and his fiancee didn’t know that. One night early in our empty-nest life, they showed up on a Saturday night and walked right in. We were on the couch. I was in something extremely skimpy, and my husband was au naturel. They turned beet red and walked right back out the door. We laughed our asses off. “That’ll teach them to just walk in unannounced,” I said. Now all the kids are fully aware of our new house rule: Don’t bother Mom and Dad on Saturday night.

Some of the other little things we’ve been doing to bring the fireworks back is trying new things: adding toys to our play time, role playing, trying a little BDSM. I’ve even gone 21st Century to keep up the heat. After an especially great night, I text him to say how hot what he did to me the night before was. I’ve texted him messages through the day, hinting at what was to come that night. Recently, I even sexted him wearing a cute little schoolgirl outfit I knew he had a real thing for. Not surprisingly, he called me shortly thereafter to tell me how hot I looked.

When you’ve been sleeping with the same person for a very long time, it can be a challenge to continue learning new things that turn yourself and each other on. But it’s amazing how creative your mind can be—if you really want it to be.

It’s so funny how we think we know everything when we’re younger. My husband and I had no idea what life would have to offer once we hit middle age, and the kids were finally gone. We’re having the best time of our lives sexually that we’ve ever had—actually the best time of our lives, period. I look forward to every day and wonder with anticipation: Where to from here? The possibilities are endless.