The reality is that we call these relationships “Power Exchanges” for a reason. The reason is that there is a give and take from both sides of the equation. There is a sexiness to power, just as there is a sexiness to giving your power to another to use as they see fit. These things do not happen in a vacuum. They live and breathe in dynamic relationships.
I do believe that dominant and top type people get short shrift for the service that they provide. Yes, I said service. And I know some of you reading are bristling, and some are confused. The bristlers are those who think “I do not serve!! I am served!!’ and those who are confused are probably thinking “Well, that doesn’t make sense. Isn’t it the job of the submissive to serve?”
Yep, it can be. And plenty of people who are submissive get off on serving other people. Service simply means the act of helping. In kink parlance, being “in service” to someone often means that you have agreed, for some period of time, to be available to help to that person. It is akin to Bruce Wayne’s faithful servant, Alfred, showing up always with the right beverage or weapon just in time. But being “in service” isn’t the only way service happens.
Dominants and masters are, themselves, in service to the dynamic they wish to create. While they are nominally in command, that command has to be managed in order for a successful power exchange dynamic to grow and thrive. The dominant who does not see that their position as a steward of the relationship is service misses an opportunity for reflection and self-assessment.
“How am I doing in serving myself, my submissive / slave and this relationship?” is a great question to ask, and one that facilitates a healthy dose of humility.
I do believe that dominant and top type people get short shrift for the service that they provide. Yes, I said service. And I know some of you reading are bristling, and some are confused. The bristlers are those who think “I do not serve!! I am served!!’ and those who are confused are probably thinking “Well, that doesn’t make sense. Isn’t it the job of the submissive to serve?”
Yep, it can be. And plenty of people who are submissive get off on serving other people. Service simply means the act of helping. In kink parlance, being “in service” to someone often means that you have agreed, for some period of time, to be available to help to that person. It is akin to Bruce Wayne’s faithful servant, Alfred, showing up always with the right beverage or weapon just in time. But being “in service” isn’t the only way service happens.
Dominants and masters are, themselves, in service to the dynamic they wish to create. While they are nominally in command, that command has to be managed in order for a successful power exchange dynamic to grow and thrive. The dominant who does not see that their position as a steward of the relationship is service misses an opportunity for reflection and self-assessment.
“How am I doing in serving myself, my submissive / slave and this relationship?” is a great question to ask, and one that facilitates a healthy dose of humility.
Sometimes the scene serves us as an ordeal.
I have, as a submissive, asked my friend Graydancer to top me from a place of very hardline sadistic domination, and not stop the scene until I used my safeword to stop the scene myself. I asked for this because I was in a place in my journey where I felt I needed to know I would maintain my own boundaries. I was on shaky emotional ground, and wanted the reassurance that I was able to take care of myself.
Now, my friend, while capable of very intense play, prides himself on being able to play without pushing his partner’s beyond the brink. Most tops do love riding that edge. So my request for him to push me until I stopped – knowing that I would be doing everything not to “safeword” – was something that was a stretch for him, too.
In service to our friendship, and because who doesn’t like to beat the crap out of a masochistic friend once in a while, he accepted the challenging situation. I walked away knowing that while I can take a licking and keep on ticking? I was also able to call “Red” when it was too much. I embraced my limits. And that is an invaluable service.
Click image to enlarge.
images by Michele Serchuk
Now, my friend, while capable of very intense play, prides himself on being able to play without pushing his partner’s beyond the brink. Most tops do love riding that edge. So my request for him to push me until I stopped – knowing that I would be doing everything not to “safeword” – was something that was a stretch for him, too.
In service to our friendship, and because who doesn’t like to beat the crap out of a masochistic friend once in a while, he accepted the challenging situation. I walked away knowing that while I can take a licking and keep on ticking? I was also able to call “Red” when it was too much. I embraced my limits. And that is an invaluable service.
Click image to enlarge.
images by Michele Serchuk
The Dominant Protector
The “dominant as protector” is a lovely, chivalrous dynamic that provides a safe space wherein the submissive is permitted to live and breathe in their place and lose the fear of being vulnerable, open and … well, submissive!
That this is a two-way street is clear Hell, sometimes it’s a multi-lane highway, with off-ramps and clover-leafs. And while submission takes work, effort and focus, dominance does, too.
I loved the visual my friend Elaine Miller presented when describing the energy exchange between dominant and submissive.
“I visualize the D/s dynamic between two folks as an oscillating bucket of goodness shoved back and forth on a big fat line of communication. Each side’s gotta put in that push effort and aim the shit correctly or it all goes out of whack. Pun intended. What’s in the bucket? Lust, trust, safety, fear, scariness, excitement, planning, caring, caretaking, detail-oriented mango-just-the-way-I-like-it-slicing-thank-you-boi, trustworthiness, skillfulness, daring, don’t-worry-about-that-I-got-it-darling, and I-know-what-you-want-so-I’ll-do-it-until-you-faint...and so forth.”
As we romp in these erotic playgrounds and explore out inner landscapes, it is vital that we respect ourselves, and the work we do to make these glorious, shimmering, twisty, crazy-beautiful, complicated ecosystems that we call “power exchange relationships” nurturing places to be.
Assuming that the dominant does not work is a sure-fire way to foster resentment. Assuming that the submissive doesn’t have power is a sure-fire way to erode respect. But when we acknowledge the beauty in service, be it dominant or submissive, master or slave? We take a step into a wonderful intimacy and a new level or erotic exchange that can make work feel like fun and fun feel like ecstasy.
That this is a two-way street is clear Hell, sometimes it’s a multi-lane highway, with off-ramps and clover-leafs. And while submission takes work, effort and focus, dominance does, too.
I loved the visual my friend Elaine Miller presented when describing the energy exchange between dominant and submissive.
“I visualize the D/s dynamic between two folks as an oscillating bucket of goodness shoved back and forth on a big fat line of communication. Each side’s gotta put in that push effort and aim the shit correctly or it all goes out of whack. Pun intended. What’s in the bucket? Lust, trust, safety, fear, scariness, excitement, planning, caring, caretaking, detail-oriented mango-just-the-way-I-like-it-slicing-thank-you-boi, trustworthiness, skillfulness, daring, don’t-worry-about-that-I-got-it-darling, and I-know-what-you-want-so-I’ll-do-it-until-you-faint...and so forth.”
As we romp in these erotic playgrounds and explore out inner landscapes, it is vital that we respect ourselves, and the work we do to make these glorious, shimmering, twisty, crazy-beautiful, complicated ecosystems that we call “power exchange relationships” nurturing places to be.
Assuming that the dominant does not work is a sure-fire way to foster resentment. Assuming that the submissive doesn’t have power is a sure-fire way to erode respect. But when we acknowledge the beauty in service, be it dominant or submissive, master or slave? We take a step into a wonderful intimacy and a new level or erotic exchange that can make work feel like fun and fun feel like ecstasy.
I love your writing style! It's just lovely.
you rock so does your writing and so do your pictures thankyou. first article i read all the way through without skipping- motivates me to do it more
Interesting post, thank you