“What do you mean you’re working late tonight?” I snapped when my husband called from work. “You need to get home now.”
“But I have to…”
“Do you hear the words coming out of my mouth? NOW! The ovulation test says so!”
During the last several months, this is what passes for phone sex between my husband and me. It’s not that any love is lost between the two of us. On the contrary, our relationship is stronger than ever. However as we (and countless couples before us) discovered, when actively trying to conceive, a couple’s sexual dynamics change.
In our case, the spontaneous rendezvous has been replaced by scheduled appointments during the narrow fertility window. Contraception has been replaced by basal thermometers and ovulation test kits. And a negative pregnancy test no longer leaves me heaving sighs of relief, but rather, renders me speechless (save for a few choice profanities) and hurling anything within reach at the wall in complete and utter frustration.
In an earlier story written for SexIs, I noted my public school sex education curriculum grossly misinformed me with convoluted information. The fear-mongering tactics used to discuss pregnancy led me to believe that becoming pregnant was as effortless as contracting a highly contagious illness of epidemic proportions. Once we started trying, I found it wasn’t so straightforward: There were windows of opportunity, signs to look for and accoutrements that might improve your chances. My OB-GYN was less encouraging than I’d have liked. There was my age (just shy of 31) that he said had the potential to make things a little more difficult. (A little more difficult than what? Than if I were 15?)
My doctor recommended I determine when I was ovulating by adding and subtracting numbers corresponding with days in my cycle, even drawing a number line reminiscent of junior high algebra. When I noted that I was a) chronically irregular and b) not so handy with an abacus, he said ovulation predictor kits could aid someone as irregular as me, although they’re not always reliable and counting the days of one’s cycle to estimate ovulation works just fine.
He said he rarely advocates basal thermometers as it takes months to establish a pattern; the body’s temperature variations are extremely slight; and because they alert you to ovulation after it’s already happened.
Still, I made a beeline to the store to purchase the allegedly unnecessary products for my pregnancy arsenal. In the months that followed, my frustration grew incrementally with each unsuccessful go-round. And Frustration did not come alone: He was accompanied by his pals Desperation, Urgency and Aggravation, all of whom were responsible for making the sex I was having less than stellar.
Take A Conception-Moon
Sometimes all that’s needed for conception is a change of scenery. The hustle and bustle of daily routines coupled with the inherent stress of trying to conceive creates a veritable hotbed for negative pregnancy tests. A strategically planned romantic getaway, coinciding with ovulation, is a growing trend among couples hoping to get pregnant.
Dubbed “Conception-Moons” or “Procreation Vacations” these trips—which can be as nondescript as a few days in a local inn—aim to remove couples from everyday stressors, open the lines of communication and allow for more exciting (and hopefully fruitful) sex.
According to a 2006 survey conducted by BabyCenter.com, Procreation Vacations proved successful for a substantial percentage of those who tried them. More than 1,000 site members were surveyed and a formidable 40 percent of those who went on Conception-Moons conceived while away.
And the travel industry is capitalizing on the success of this trend. Concieve.com lists several notable vacation destinations, like the Five Gables Inn and Spa in St. Michaels, Md., which has a Birds and Bees romance package created exclusively for Conception-Mooners.
In talking to girlfriends in similar situations a pattern emerged. While we were all having more sex than ever, it wasn’t necessarily the most enjoyable sex. Sex had become a means to an end. There was pressure to perform. And our husbands and boyfriends—who initially enjoyed our newfound sexual aggression—were now becoming frustrated with the lack of intimacy.
“I’m your husband, not a sperm donor!” my friend claimed her spouse balked one night. When I relayed this to my husband and an empathetic expression crossed his face, I recognized something had to change.
I began researching ways to curtail the bedroom frustration, which I learned is a relatively common scenario. And so, to preserve your sanity, before embarking on the journey to parenthood I recommend familiarizing yourself with the all-too-common bedroom pitfalls couples experience while trying to conceive, and how experts recommend you avoid them.
“When couples are trying to conceive, it takes the spontaneity out of the act,” Beverly Whipple, Ph.D., R.N., FAAN, professor emerita at Rutgers University College of Nursing in Newark, N.J., said to Leslie Piper in an article for Conceive.com. This lack of impulse can quickly lead to boredom in the bedroom. But while conception may dictate the days you’re having sex, it need not dictate the other variables.
Making small changes to your sexual repertoire can work wonders. Try changing the location of your interludes: different rooms around the house or, for the more brazen, different destinations around your town (within reason … I’m certainly not encouraging any public indecency). Even changing the time of day can take the predictability out of the equation. Rather than going through the perfunctory motions after a long day, why not squeeze in a quickie before the alarm goes off in the morning?
By the time you and your partner are trying to conceive, you’ve likely been together awhile. As relationships progress and sex becomes more of a “given” than a conquest, seduction and foreplay often wane. Combined with an “I-am-ovulating-so-you-need-to-perform-NOW” mentality, the stage is set for rushed, resentful and disconnected intercourse.
In their book
italic], authors Patty Doyle Debano, Courtney Edgerton Menzel and Shelly Dicken Suthphen advise women not to underestimate the importance of seduction and foreplay during this time. While it’s perfectly acceptable to feel a sense of urgency during ovulation, both partners should remind themselves to slow down, relax and make the experience enjoyable.
Instead of the woman shrieking “It’s time” and lying spread-eagle on the bed, couples should recall the early days of their relationships when they couldn’t keep their hands off each other, drawing on those times for inspiration.
Women, try ditching that boxer/T-shirt combo and treat yourself to some new lingerie. Men, try giving your lady a sensual massage using scented oil. As Doyle, Menzel and Sutphen say: “While the goal of sex during your fertile window will always be the same, don’t lose sight of some sense of romance. You’re ultimately going to end up at the same destination. Why not enjoy the view along the way?”
They continually remind us that to get out of a rut—or sidestep it altogether—it’s crucial that you and your partner make your sessions vehicles for renewed intimacy, not merely exercises in reproduction.
Unfortunately, I cannot say my quest to conceive has ended. While, at four months of trying, we’re still within the average timetable for conception, I’m leaving nothing to chance. I’ve stocked up on this month’s supply of ovulation tests, downloaded an Iphone ovulation-tracker app and invested in a fertility bracelet which, if not actually powerful, will hopefully be effective on psychosomatic levels. What I can report, however, is that my husband and I have certainly found our way out of the rut we’d fallen into. And, with any luck, our next issue will be finding the time and inclination for sex amidst the pitter-patter of little feet.
It seems that the people who don't want to get pregnant end up pregnant quickly and those who want a baby have to almost stand on their heads to make it happen. I see myself in this same situation one day since my periods are beyond irregular smh. I loved reading this though and will file it away for future reference.
Good luck and keep having fun making that baby
Lady J,
You have hit a good number of points here, I would have to say that from my time on different women's health boards the act of getting pregnant when wanted isn't always a given.
I would hope that you and your hubby have gone through all the tests just to make sure that everything is working where it counts already. The funny thing is that 90% of the time, the male is the one that the not getting pregnant fact rests on. Low sperm counts, or no sperm count can be a killer. Look at differences in your bodies, PH tests of your vagina, as well as, hubby's sperm could lead to some possible problems as well. If your Ph test are on the opposite side of each other, there isn't any way that you will become pregnant, remember the vagina is a very picky place. If it don't like what is going on inside of it, it will reject it. And, if it ( your vagina ) decides that for what ever reason it doesn't like your hubby's sperm.... Well you get the idea! If your a regular squirter upon your orgasm, that fluid is possible to go back into the vagina and mess the Ph balances up even more.
Your best bet is to git rid of all the tests, the thermometer. Pay attention to your body, even though you have given the hinting that you are way unpredictable in your cycles, every female body gives clues to what is going on and when that time of the month is coming. Last ... RELAX, Often times the stress that is induced by the act of " We Have To Get Pregnant " will have the exact opposite affect on the couple, in women it throws off the Ph in the vagina...Big one... and in men, it is known to cause the shut down of sperm production. Pay attention to your body and start enjoying sex again... It will happen!!
I'm so sorry you are having a rough time getting pregnant. My husband and I were one of those couples who could conceive from a wink from across the room. Which is great the two or three times in your life you want to maybe get pregnant, but sucks the other 30,000 times you have sex.
Five pregnancies (three went to term, I lost two of them) as My Man says "Ain't but one of them planned." It's not easy on either side of the fence.
Good luck with the baby making. I actually got pregnant with the "Planned One" in a cycle of daily or twice daily sex, after My Man had just gotten out of a hot bath, in the Cowgirl position. And, I was supposed to be my "Safe Time" according to NFP (meaning I wasn't supposed to be fertile at that point). It was everything you are supposed to do to NOT get pregnant. We didn't know that. She's in college now.
I hope things work out for you.
Wow, so very true! I love your articles!! Well written and your personality shines right through. As someone who surrounds her life around children and intends to have children this is something to be aware of and conscious of when that time comes. I see many couples who fall into the "obligation" sex and that seems like a nightmare!! Great advice!
So True!!!!!!!