You Might Be a Slave If…

Disclaimer: The following list is presented for entertainment purposes only. Reader assumes all risks and management makes no warranty of usefulness regarding the contents. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is not coincidental. This list should not be confused with the requirements for membership to the Intercontinental Slave Union. Check with your local chapter for eligibility guidelines.

Few creatures pose more puzzlement to scientists than the elusive homo sapien slavius or slave. In fact, our lack of understanding of this species and its close resemblance to the ordinary homo sapien make it almost impossible to identify with complete certainty. However, although slaves’ behavior can be erratic and contradictory, case studies reveal common, if not unifying, patterns and traits. The characteristics below are not exhaustive, but are offered as a starting point for those who suspect they may be a member of this rare species. This list can also be incorporated into the field guides of those who seek to track (and perhaps capture) one of these fascinating creatures.

You might be a slave if…
• The smell of cleaning supplies gets you horny.
• You’ve ever waited more than an hour for someone who said, “Stay here, I’ll be right back.”
• Your collection of etiquette books is larger than your porn collection.
• You include etiquette books in your porn collection.
• You were genuinely excited to get a new vacuum cleaner for your birthday.
• You constantly refer to others as “Sir” and “Ma’am”… and you’re not from the South.
• Your favorite song is “Someone To Watch Over Me”.
• When walking with other people, you continually find yourself a few paces behind.
• You always have to be “wanded” at the airport because your collar and/or body piercings set off the metal detector.
• You’ve ever given up your favorite foods when you’re partner is dieting.
• You really are more concerned about your partner’s orgasm than your own.
• You’ve ever “narked on yourself” when you broke a rule.
• You know at least 30 different uses for a spatula, and only three of them involve the kitchen.
• Your partner has forgotten how to make coffee.
• Watching The Remains of the Day makes you horny.
• You’ve ever found yourself waiting to hear someone give you permission to cum when you’re masturbating.
• You stop eating food that can interfere with your ability to fulfill your partner’s sexual appetites.
• Your favorite “chair” is a dog bed.
• You leave your job and they have to hire three people to replace you.
• You’ve ever packed a suitcase that wasn’t your own.
• The song “Father Figure” makes you so horny, whenever you hear it, you have to masturbate.
• You know there is a fine line between “arguing” and “offering an alternative opinion.”
• You thought Christine should have stayed with the Phantom—in spite of his nasty habit of killing people.
• You’ve ever received someone else’s birthday spankings.
• You can carry five drinks through a crowded bar without using a tray or spilling a drop.
• You’ve ever created a spreadsheet when organizing a dinner party.
• You’ve ever been envious of your dog’s crate.
• You take up martial arts because you want to be ordered to exercise by someone you call,“Master”
• Dobby and Kreature are your favorite Harry Potter characters.
• You’ve ever felt honored to sleep at the foot of someone’s bed.
• You know from experience how hard it is to eat without using your hands.
• Just hearing the words “bend over” is all the foreplay you need.
• You’ve ever cleaned up after someone else’s wax play scene.
• The last time you wore underwear was in the 20th Century.
• You’ve ever spent at least an hour swapping recipes at a dungeon party.
• You have to remind yourself to sit on the furniture when visiting other people.
• You’ve ever confused the barista at the coffee shop by saying, “If it pleases you, this one would like a double latte.”
• You carry a lighter with you at all times, even though you don’t smoke.
• You’ve ever stood in line for hours to get tickets to a concert you have no intention of attending.
• You’ve ever practiced so you could look sexy while crawling.
• You insist on including a promise “to obey” in your marriage vows.
• You’ve sat at the computer for hours waiting for a response to an IM.
• R2-D2 is your favorite Star Wars character.
• You’ve never served in the military, but you own one or more books on military protocols.
• You include books on military protocol in your porn collection.
• You’ve ever said “Yes” when your body was screaming “No way!”
• You own three leashes, but don’t have any pets.
• You have a safeword, but don’t remember what it is.
• You can name all of the players on your partner’s favorite baseball team, as well as their batting averages—and you’re not a sports fan.
• You feel guilty taking your partner’s shirts to the dry cleaners rather than doing them yourself.
• Hearing the words: “I’m proud of you,” make you feel like you can do anything.
• You go to a sex toy website and read the articles about being a slave.

And, finally, the most important clue that you might be a slave (drumroll please)…

• You’ve heard people say that you are not a “real” slave—and you’ve wondered if they were right.